marine tribute

Don't Forget

marine tribute

Don't Forget

Lady

Dorks.com Funny Video
Ask the Fruitcake Lady

Redneck Christmas

MERRY CHRISTMAS

I have decided to start another

small blog for the remainder of this month.

All_About_Christmas

This will get the run off from my blog.

I love this time of year.

I intend to post a little of everything there.

Anyone with something they would like to

Share something or lots of things.

Contact me and I will add you to the

contributor list.

This could be fun for everyone.

FROG_HAIR2

The Night Before Christmas/Larry the Cable Guy

Highway To Hell

United We Stand

Halabja Massacre

Some one Help.

UPDATE: ON SUNDAY MORNING I RECIEVED THIS:

001 java.io.IOException: No space left on deviceblog/31/39/9/thisthatandfroghair

/archives/2006_09_10_

thisthatandfroghair_archive.html
No space left on deviceblog/31/39/9

I tried to to resolve this and gave up I then started moving my blog to

http://thisthatandfroghair2.blogspot.com/

Now for what ever error on my part I have what appears to be limited space here to post. However it now shows my other blog here too, on my profile.

AAARRRRGGGGG....

I don't know how this will iron out.

For your daily jokes and such go to the #2 site.

Red Alert.

Notice I have apparently reached the End of Frog hair days here.

Any suggestions?

I have deleted a few posts to be able to post this.

At this point I am working on creating a new frog hair on blogger.

Until I can decide if I want to move to another blog

or go dot.com

UPDATE:

http://thisthatandfroghair2.blogspot.com/

I have moved to this are on blogger.

Until I can sort out what is happening with my blog.

I have posted several of my last posts there and will be posting new posts.

HEY WAIT Jokes will be posted

Over the next few days

I am leaving different

posts at the begining of this blog.

My regular laughes and grins will follow below.

Have you Forgotten?

TRIBUTE for the KIDS OF SEPT. 11th

American Soldier Video...

Courtsey of the Red White and Blue

9/11

Rated R lang.

9/11 American Tribute

Why We Fight...

Its 9-11-06 Remember 9-11-01

john wayne tribute 2

The beginning of American Tributes

Reagan Tribute

This is the best 4 minutes of my day. If you do nothing else today watch this video.

My Two Cents.

Well I wasn't going to do a personal post for a while. I have done plenty the last week or two.
But some man/person left a comment on my site that gave me pause. He broke the rule.

DO AS YOU WILL HARM NONE.

His comment would have offended my family members.
And buddy when you tread on my on my family. You walk on the fighten' side of me. Any comment from this day forward directed at any member of my family will be deleted should I find it an insult.

Very few people know me or my family. I am amazed to daily watch the world around me.

First: I do not claim to be a Christian. I am a believer.

Second: I follow the old traditions. Let me clarify that I am an American Indian/Euro mix. I can trace my ancestors back nearly to the days of Christ. I am a decendant of the the DAR proven fact that a direct ancestor was a body guard to George Washington. (By the way I didn't prove that.) Also a daughter of the Mayflower.
I have a pedigree that most would envy. When my daughter says she is a princess well start tracing my linage and you will find that is true.

The other side of the family is Mohawk this to is proven by lineage. So to any jackass out there that wants to tell me that I am not a Citizen of this nation I say this.
Its the damn Euro trash that started the problems here.
My Grand mothers walked the fucking trail of tears. Every damn step. They were married to the Euro trash.

I hear how the black man was a slave. Well folks lets look at the true history of this nation. Then come back and tell me how it was only the black man. When it was the white man that broke the food staff of my ancestors and left them to die with the pox or starvation. The white man that drove them like cattle and removed them from their lands. So that those same lands could be stolen. Every step any white person takes in this nation is a step on the lands shared by the Native peoples here. Land the Euro's stole.

You want to insult me well get in line. You want to insult my family well then you will come through me.
There has never been a war that a member of my family has not been there.
Ever since this nation was founded including the Revolution. There were decades that my people were oppressed and kept down. Generations of new religions and oppression. We survived. I will not allow any Euro trash to set me or mine back.

Once again to make my point. This is my nation and I am proud of it. Through the blood of all of my ancestors I have the right to voice my opinion.

Third: I have never claimed an initial after my name. I have mentioned that I am a democrat and in the center. On occasion I have stated that I believe my party was hi-jacked and like any hijacking it has gone to seed. We dems have no leaders. All we have is nuts.

GOT THAT NUTS. AS IN KOOKU FOR COACOA PUFFS.

I can not give you a name for 08 that I or mine would vote for if there is a D after the name.
This is because of the likes of Hillary, Kerry, Kennedy, Durbin and the list goes on. Zell Miller and Lieberman were the last of the true democrats.

Fourth: Before you take the liberty to assume anything about me then study yourself approved.

Fifth: Reguarding Islam General Curtis LaMay said when they get tired of dying we will quit killing them.

I consider myself and mine MAINSTREAM AMERICANS, we earned that title. We walked the walk. Have you?

Any questions? Email me.

Bet ya don't Fr**ckin Care

Do you know this Man? Have you ever seen him before? I don't know him personally. I have heard him once in a while on the radio and t.v. I have made an ass out of myself a time or two in his office, I would guess. Nudder story.

This man is John Sullivan. http://sullivan.house.gov/
He is one of my reps. Yeppers he is. I have a reason for this posting. Bear with me. Gayle I emailed this to you so you know already.

Today the phone rang. I glanced at the caller id. It came up Capital U.S. 202-226-9928.
Well spank my butt. I.d. has shown Capital before and it was Capital One, one of the most, with out a doubt bar none, the most annoying credit card companies around.
In my state of don't freakin' mess with me today I am not in the mood I grabbed the phone and said "What?"
Caller asked for my husband or Patricia, me.
However he didn't pronunce my hubbies name correctly. I, mean come on its a simple name Miles just like it reads and sounds.
So I started out very mean you didn't pronunce his name right you have 30 seconds. If this is another credit card offer go......."
The caller was saying wait a minute then quickly stated he was calling for congressman Sullivan. He stated his business and wanted to know if I/we still felt the way we did when we emailed him. "
"I snapped which email I email often."
He told me the one of July 30th was the one he was dealing with.. He said that Congressman Sullivan had read it and wanted him to call.
Me thinking when pigs fly.
I still being in a rabid mood was not ready to believe any one from the U.S. gov was calling. Snapped back "yes we stand behind every email and everything we have stated before."
He said well you indicated you are not happy with money going to lebanon and you want money to go to Israel. You indicate that you believe Israel is an ally. (me thinking no shit sherlock)
"Uh huh? Well we want to let you know that Congressman understands."

Ha!!!!!! My opening!!!! Does he? Israel is the last defense and first defense we have against terrorism. I get it. We get it.
Well you indicate that you don't want to send money to the other country.
Me "No I dont' want to rebuild Lebanon. They harbor terrorists and I don't want my money funding a terrorist state. I have nothing against them except they harbor terrorists."" You guys in Washington announced through the State Department that you are going to rebuild Lebanon. Well screw that send the money to Israel. If you can't do that then here is a thought take my hard earned tax dollars and send Lebanon one billion and Israel 3 billon thats fair.

Lord knows who this poor man was but he got an ear full. God bless him. I am sure he wasn't ready for another rant. I explained to him. Well I demanded his attention and told him
"Look me and mine are democrats and we are not happy with the democrat party in fact we are convinced they couldn't save a piss ant from a mud puddle.". (that got a chuckel) I told him look we get it already. We understand why we are in Iraq. If we can not stabalize Iraq we will not have demoracy anywhere on the globe.
Now tell me why Sullivan isn't LOUD AND PROUD repeating what Bush is saying Why is our president the lone voice in the wilderness. Where the hell is his party? Why are they not getting this important point across?
He tried to tell me Sullivan backs the president.
I asked him when?
He said I can't tell you exactly when.
I told him yea well not with in my recent memory. Its time to stand up in an election year and be counted. Who the hell is going to vote against that? Who once they understand what the stakes are will vote any other way.
Hey I am a democrat and I speak for 12 you do the math. (120,000 we speak for Yea let me do your talking.)
This conversation covered illegal immigration, domestic fuels, world powers and many other topics.
Not excluding the war the military. By God you voted to send my troops to war stand behind them. It isn't politics.
We ended with him telling me that Sullivan will probably be contacting me again. ( Me think yea right) I told him when he gets ready to hear my take on the judges and making laws call me back.


Now remember my challenge???? Bet ya blew me off. Too bad I speak for you.........

I am still a wee bit nervous posting here because of the thing Sunday. I hate it when blogger eats my post. Don't they ever feed the bitch? I have gotten where I cut and paste a copy of everything I do before a post because to the MIA posts.
My hubby claims someone is censoring me. He says it happens more when I open my mouth and bitch about the media. He is begining to wear on my nerves over that also. He has never adhered to a conspiracy in his. Between he and blogger I may just go to posting butterflies.

Sunday's Odds and Ends

+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you." The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
They say, 'Every year 138 million children are born around the world.' Damn, It looks to me like procreation is our only form of recreation.
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
With the break-up of the Soviet Union and the upheavals in Russia
leading to new found openness, some members of the government decided
to break with tradition and clean up some of the memorials and
exhibits around Red Square. When they opened the Lenin mausoleum for
the first time, they found him caked with filth from years of public
display, and it was extremely odiferous. This action caused such a
stir among the citizenry that some well-intentioned Russians found
themselves kicked out of office. It goes to show that even with the
new freedom in Russia, you can't air your dirty Lenin In public.

+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
One evening while playing the roulette table, a fly landed on number
17. Being influenced by any seeming sign, one of the players put his
money on number 17. After my wheel was spun and there were no
winners, another bettor turned to the disappointed loser and quipped,
"It must have been a house fly."
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
I had to go on a business trip the day after my honeymoon, so I decided
to purchase a gift for my new wife. At an airport gift shop, I found a
coffee mug imprinted with the words, "I love you" inside a beautiful red
heart. Confident the mug would please my wife, I asked to have it
wrapped. She beamed when I gave it to her at dinner that night, but her
face fell when she saw the writing on the back of the mug. It read,
"Grandpa."
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
A Texan is bragging to a Rhode Islander. "In Texas," he drawls, "you can
get on a train, ride all day long, and still be in Texas by nightfall."
"Yeah", replies the Yankee, "We have slow trains in Rhode Island too."
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
My wife Delores never quite got the hang of the 24-hour military clock.
One day she called the orderly room to speak with me. The person who
answered told her to call me at the extension in the band rehearsal
hall. "He can be reached at 4700, Ma'am," the soldier advised. With a
sigh of exasperation, my wife responded, "And just what time is that?"
~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
Co-workers sympathized as my mother complained that her back was really
sore from moving furniture. "Why don't you wait till your husband gets
home?" someone asked. "I could," my mother told the group," but the
couch is easier to move if he's not on it."
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
I had just moved to an address between Sunset Ave. and Sunset Blvd., one
of Sacramento's major streets, and was explaining to a clerk where my
home was located for billing purposes. "I live between Sunrise and
Sunset," I told her. "Oh, honey," she knowingly replied, "we all do."
~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
Lucky is in the midst of a long dry spell in Las Vegas. Eventually he
gambles away all his money and has to borrow a quarter from another
gambler just to use the men's room. He finds a stall that happens to be
open and pockets the quarter.

Believing that his luck has finally changed, he puts the quarter in a
slot machine and hits the jackpot. He takes his winnings and goes to
the blackjack table and turns his modest winnings into a million
dollars.

Wealthy beyond his wildest dreams, Izzy goes on the lecture circuit,
where he tells his incredible story. He tells his audiences that he
will always be eternally grateful to his benefactor, and if he ever
finds the man he will share his fortune with him.

After months of speaking, a man in the audience jumps up and says, "I'm
that man. I was the one who gave you the quarter."

"Yes, I remember you well, but you aren't the one I'm
looking for. I mean the guy who left the door open!"
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+




~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
Several proofreaders were working together on Bill Clinton's new book
when the topic turned to the title, MY LIFE.

One proofreader turned to the other and asked, "Isn't that an 'f' in
lie?"
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
SEX ... The only activity where you start at the top and work your way
to the bottom, while getting a raise.
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Weird Fact :
The colour blue has a calming effect. It causes the brain to release calming hormones.
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
An Old Italian Mafia Don is dying. He calls
his grandson to his bedside.
"Grandson, I wanna you lissina to me. I wanna for you to taka my chrome plated .38 revolver so you will always remember
me."
"But grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about
you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"
"You lissina me. Somma day you gonna be runna da
business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money,
a big home and maybe a couple of bambinos.
"Somma day you gonna coma home and maybe finda
your wife inna bed with another man.
"Whatta you gonna do then... pointa to your watch
and say, Times Up?"
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
Ya gotta love this principal
According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was
recently faced with a unique problem.

A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put
it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick
they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip
prints.

Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls
would put them back.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all
the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She
explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the
custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the
maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned
the mirror with it.
Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror



Weird Fact :
Americans on average use about 580 pounds of paper per year per person.
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
My nine year old girl became so enamored of adventure tales that she
neglected everything to concentrate on reading. She would read
anything she could get her hands on. Her room became an unholy mess,
and all of her mother's exhortations fell on deaf ears. One
afternoon, however, my wife returned home to find our daughter's room
as spic-and-span as the operating theatre of a big hospital. Not one
thing was out of place. "How wonderful!" she exclaimed. "What got
into you?" "I've realized how important housework is," my daughter
informed her. "I read in the paper where two ladies got a year apiece
in jail, just for keeping a disorderly house."
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
A telephone man joined the Army. As part of his basic training, he
went out on the rifle range. He fired 99 shots at the target, and
missed the target with every shot! His Drill Instructor tried to find
out why. "What's the matter with you?" asked the DI. "Why can't you
hit the target? What were you in civilian life?" "I was a telephone
man," replied the new recruit, "and I don't know why I can't hit the
target. Let me see..." The telephone man checked his rifle, checked
his rifle again, and checked his rifle a third time. He then put h is
finger in front of the muzzle, pulled the trigger, and blew the end
of his finger off! "Well," the phone man said, writhing in pain,
"the bullets are leaving here fine. The trouble must be on the other
end!"
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
"We have created a monster, Doktor Frankenstein!" screeched Igor, the
doctor's right and left hand man, his little body quivering with
delight, and before the good doctor could stop him Igor waved various
human limbs and organs in the patchwork face of the giant, howling,
"Tell me, stranger, are you from these parts?"
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Little Conor William

A new teacher was trying to make use of her

psychology courses. She started her class by

saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand

up!"

After a few seconds, Little Conor William stood up.

The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little

Conor William?"

"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all

by yourself!"




**************
Little Conor William watched, fascinated, as his

mother smoothed cold cream on her face. "Why do you

do that, mommy?" he asked.

"To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then

began removing the cream with a tissue.

"What's the matter?" asked Little Conor

William. "Giving up?"
***************

A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers was concerned

that his students might be a little confused about

Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis

on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood

that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago,

that He grew up, etc.

So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?"

Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven."

Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart."

Little Conor William, waving his hand furiously,

blurted out, "I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!"

The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very

long seconds. Finally, he gathered his wits and asked

Little Conor William how he knew this.

Little Conor William said, "Well... every morning, my

father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and

yells, "Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!"

****************

The math teacher saw that little Conor William wasn't

paying attention in class. She called on him and

said, "Conor William! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and

44?"

Little Conor William quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO

and the Cartoon Network!"

***************

Little Conor William's kindergarten class was on a

field trip to their local police station where they

saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10

most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed

to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of

a wanted person.

"Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want very

badly to capture him."


Little Conor William asked, "Why didn't you keep him

when you took his picture?"

***************

Little Conor William attended a horse auction with

his father. He watched as his father moved from horse

to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's

legs, rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Conor

William asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?"

His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses,

I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good

shape before I buy."

Conor William, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think

the UPS guy wants to buy Mom."

No trees were killed in the sending of this

message. However, a large number of

electrons were terribly inconvenienced.



Henry Sanchez-Leal, M.D. (Dr.S-L)







Stadiums of the NFL-Your Ticket to Every NFL Stadium
http://www.stadiumsofnfl.com/
Welcome to The Frank Lloyd Wright Foundation
http://www.franklloydwright.org/
The House of Dracula - Monster Model Museum
http://hometown.aol.com/houseofdracula/
Orange County Choppers
http://www.orangecountychoppers.com/
Star Trek Inspirational Posters
http://echosphere.net/star_trek_insp/star_trek_insp.html

Blinkies
http://d21c.com/moonbud/blinkies/myfav.html
PC Cleaning Info
http://www.computerhope.com/cleaning.htm
Caverns of Scary Stuff
http://cavernsofblood.com/scarystuff.html

Windows FAQ's
http://www.symantec.com/techsupp/sp2/faq.html
Windows XP Service Pack 2 (SP2) Support Center
http://support.microsoft.com/default.aspx?pr=windowsxpsp2
Alluvus's Celestial Images
http://members.tripod.com/~alluvus/celestial.html
Free Browsers
http://www.techsupportalert.com/firefox.htmhttp://www.opera.com/

Sunday's Editions

START YOUR DAY THE AMERICAN WAY

I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America
and to the republic for which it stands
-------------One Nation Under God---------------
Indivisible with liberty and justice for all

After reading many blogs, comments and articles throughout the www and watching the slanted baised news I thought I would find the definitions in this pledge that most of us know by heart. I am sure there are many schools of thoughts on this. However no where with in those four lines do I see a democracy mentioned. I see republic.

We are a Republic if we can keep it. Those were some sage words by a founder. Some of the problems as I see them is the men and women in Washington are failing to keep in touch with we the people. We the people have become complacent in our nations's business. We depend entirely to much on what we have created.

Jokes will follow below

1.Pledge: A solemn binding promise to do, give, or refrain from doing something:

al·le·giance:
1. Loyalty or the obligation of loyalty, as to a nation, sovereign, or cause.

1. republic - a political system in which the supreme power lies in a body of citizens who can elect people to represent them

Adj. 1. indivisible - impossible of undergoing division; "an indivisible union of states"; "one nation indivisible"

lib·er·ty (lbr-t)
n. pl. lib·er·ties
1.
a. The condition of being free from restriction or control.
b. The right and power to act, believe, or express oneself in a manner of one's own choosing.
c. The condition of being physically and legally free from confinement, servitude, or forced labor.

jus·tice (jsts)
n.
1. The quality of being just; fairness.
2.
a. The principle of moral rightness; equity.
b. Conformity to moral rightness in action or attitude; righteousness.
3.
a. The upholding of what is just, especially fair treatment and due reward in accordance with honor, standards, or law.
http://www.thefreedictionary.com/




The Top 5 Web Acronyms We'd Like to See
(Part I)

5> SIYW: Surprise! I'm your *WIFE*!

4> GGMHWTV: Gotta go, Mom's here with the vacuum.

3> LOTSMKPFGM: Logging off to sell my kid's plasma for gas money.

2> AIIOMGSTV: "American Idol" is on -- must go shoot television.

and Topfive.com's Number 1 Web Acronym We'd Like to See...

1> MDSYMSCAMANHH2YHWALS: My dad saw your MySpace comment about me
and now he's headed to your house with a loaded shotgun.

------

The Top 5 Rejected Slogans Promoting Abstinence

5> Don't think of it as less sex -- think of it as more time to
watch "Babylon 5" reruns.

4> You've come a long way, Baby -- for nothing!

3> Abstinence: No f**kin' way!

2> Spend a little time away from the orifice.

and Topfive.com's Number 1 Rejected Slogan Promoting Abstinence...

1> "Hello, this is President Clinton with an important
message for young people...."

------

The Top 5 Positive Aspects of a Scorching Heat Wave

5> Between Starbucks and the bus stop, your Frappuccino turns
into a 20-ounce espresso.

4> Easier to understand why those Middle Easterners are
so darn cranky.

3> Hollywood starlets don't have to worry about an attack
of RCPNS: Red Carpet Pokey Nipple Syndrome.

2> Grab the stick up Ann Coulter's ass and -- BOOM! --
instant Bitchsicle!

and Topfive.com's Number 1
Positive Aspect of a Scorching Heat Wave...

1> Al Gore starts development on the World Wide Refrigerator.

------

Rumination of the Day

I've decided to create a new bracelet
that people can wear to raise awareness
on the overuse of awareness bracelets.

(Sebastian P.)



Wanting to find out if both his wife and his mistress were being faithful to him, Gary decided to send them on the same cruise and question each one later about the other's behavior. When his wife returned, he asked her about people on the trip, casually inquiring about the passenger who was his mistress when she mentioned the woman. "Oh, that woman slept with nearly every man on the ship!" his wife reported. Unhappy with this information, Gary planned a rendezvous with his cheating mistress and decided to question her about the trip before confronting her with what he knew. Once again, he carefully inquired about the woman who was his wife after ascertaining that they had met. "She was a real lady," his mistress said. Gary's spirits picked up. "Why do you say that?" he asked. "She came on board with her husband and never left his side."
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
The following letter from the family's solicitor is addressed to a member of the British aristocracy who has been spending much of the summer in his residence in the south of France leaving his wife in the United Kingdom to look after the ancestral home. Dear Sir Royston, I hope you are having a good time on your holiday. I say this with sincerity because I am afraid that I have some bad news for you, although there is good news too. First the bad news. I am sorry to tell you that your favorite dog, Honey, is dead. The vet says that she died instantly and could have felt no pain. She was kicked in the head by your horse, Sherbert, though I'm sure that no blame can be attached to Sherbert, frightened as he was by the fire in the barn. I'm afraid that Sherbert was in the barn along with your other horses when it burnt to the ground. The fire brigade had been called within a short time of the barn catching fire and would normally have been able to put the fire out. Had it had not been for the fact that the tender crashed into your Bentley in the lane. Your wife had taken it out for a spin with your brother. As it was, both the tender and your Bently were written off. No blame can be attached to your wife for the accident I'm sure. The Bentley was stationary at the time and your wife was in the back seat of the car. She managed to escape death only due to the fact that your brother was lying on top of her at the time of the collision. The doctors say that given time she will regain her sight but that she will never walk again. She has also lost her memory and cannot even remember you. Your brother, unfortunately, was killed. I should explain how the barn came to be on fire in the first place. You see a spark from the house blew over and set the roof alight. The fire started in the main hall of the house where, as you know, your Mattisse and your Picasso once hung. I say 'once' because they are not there now. Fortunately neither of these paintings were damaged in the conflagration as they were stolen beforehand by the burglar who started the fire. Although all of this may seem to you very serious it is not in fact the bad news that I wrote of. Your wife and brother had been visiting your Insurance agent in prison where he is serving a three year sentence for fraud. I'm afraid that none of your insurance policies are valid. As I said, there is some good news. The heat from the fire warmed your greenhouse and brought your flowers on.
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
Try that!
A lady on a commuter train was reading a newspaper article about life and death statistics. Fascinated, she turned to the man next to her and asked, "Did you know that every time I breathe somebody dies?" "Really," he said, "have you tried mouthwash?"
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
A couple of old cowboys (Sam and Bubba) were sitting in a bar having a drink (or two or three), doing what most old cowboys do; complaining about the heat, the cows and their wives. They weren't exactly the brightest guys, and neither were their comments. Every day they said pretty much the same thing. And it always ended in a pissing contest over who had the worst wife. Today though something was different. There was a wise looking elderly Indian Chief sitting at the bar. They decided to ask him to decide, who had the worst wife. The first man (Sam) complained that his wife was always arguing with him. No matter what he said, she always said the opposite. She didn't just say it either, she said it so loud that the neighbors complained. The old Chief listened attentively and then said, "If your wife was Indian, we would name her Fire-Water." Sam asked "Why would you call her Fire-Water?" The Indian Chief replied, "Every time she opens her mouth she breathes fire and your knees turn to water." The second man (Bubba) said "My wife is so bad that we haven't hadn't had physical relations in darn near twenty years." The chief again listened attentively and pronounced Bubba's wife as "Sleeping-Dragon." When Bubba asked why, the chief replied, "If you try to touch her while she is sleeping, she will become a dragon and bite your head off." Sam and Bubba had a good laugh over their wives new names. Then Sam asked, "Okay, them Indian names are pretty cool, but.... Who has the worst wife?" The chief replied, "I do." Bubba asked what the chiefs wife name was. The chief replied something along the lines of "Whumpo Havo Noja" Both Sam and Bubba looked very confused, and so the chief explained, "That's my wife's Indian name, it translates in English to "Three-Old-Horses." More puzzled than ever before Bubba asked, "Yeah, but what does it (Three-Old-Horses) mean? The chief sighed, took a sip of his beer and said , "Nag, Nag, Nag."





When the power mower was broken and wouldn't run. I kept hinting to my husband that he ought to get it fixed, but somehow the message never sank in. Finally, though, I thought of a clever way to make my point. When my husband arrived home that day, he found me seated out in the yard in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. He watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. He was gone only a few moments, when he came out again he handed me a toothbrush. "When you finish cutting the grass," he said, "you might as well sweep the sidewalk too." The doctors say he will probably live, but I can guarantee you, it will be quite a while before those casts come off!"
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
There was a much married woman who walked into a bridal shop one day and told the sales clerk that she was looking for a wedding gown for her fourth wedding. "Well", replied the sales clerk, "exactly what type of dress are you looking for?" The bride to be said, "A long, frilly white dress with a veil." The sales clerk didn't know quite what to say but she finally said, "Frankly, madam, gowns of that nature are considered more appropriate for brides who are being married the first time -- for those who are a bit more innocent, if you know what I mean." "Well" replied the customer, more than a little put out. "I can assure you that I am as innocent as the rest of them. Believe it or not, despite all my marriages, I remain as innocent as any first time bride." "You see, my first husband was so excited about our wedding he died as we were checking into our hotel. My second husband and I got into a terrible fight in the limo on our way to the reception and have not spoken since. We had that wedding annulled immediately." "What about your third husband?" asked the sales clerk. "Well" said the woman, "he was a Democrat and every night for four years he just sat on the edge of the bed and told me how good it was going to be." " But this time I am marring an attorney, I KNOW I'll get screwed this time!!"
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
A fellow went to his doctor complaining that his asshole was feeling terribly sore. The doctor asked him to drop his drawers and bend over so he could take a look. "It's amazing!" the doctor said, as he pulled a $20 bill from the fellow's anus. Another $20 bill appeared behind the first one, so the doctor pulled it out, too. And then another! And another! And many more. Finally, the doctor had pulled the whole pile of $20 bills from the fellow's ass, and began to count it. (I sure hope that the doctor doesn't lick his thumb when he counts money) The doctor mentioned, "There was $1980 stuck in your anus!" And the fellow replied, "I knew I wasn't feeling two grand!"
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Asian women have always been exotic. Two guys were arguing about the correct orientation of Japanese women's sex organs. One said that Japanese women have theirs going from side to side, while the other said it goes vertical just like everybody else. The argument went on like this for hours until they decided to settle it once and for all by going to another friend who has a Japanese wife. Surely, he should know! After being told the subject of the argument, the friend quickly said, "Vertical, just like everybody else, and I'll prove it!" Although suspecting that the duo would just feast their eyes on his wife's pussy, he called his wife anyway, and she appeared from the second-floor bedroom. "Honey, take off your panties and slide down the banister" Like a good, obedient wife, she obliged and mounted the banister. On the way down, there was a long screeeeeech, and she landed on the floor. "See? Didn't I tell you guys that its vertical just like everybody else?" The two scratched their heads in wonder. What did that prove? "If it were horizontal, the sound would have been, blub, blub, blub, blub..."
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#




Weird Fact :
By weight, the sun is 70% hydrogen, 28% helium, 1.5% carbon, nitrogen, and oxygen, and 0.5% all other elements.
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
Bubba, a furniture dealer from Princeton, West Virginia, decided to expand the line of furniture in His store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could find in good furrin' stuff. After arriving in Paris, he met with some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell very well back home in West Virginia. To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small Bistro and have a glass of that French wine that he had heard so much about. As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house. Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table, asked him something in French (which he did not understand), and motioned toward the chair. He gestured for her to sit down. He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language so, after a couple of minutes of trying to communicat e with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, and he ordered a glass of wine for her. After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. They left the Bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music. They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up. Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed. . . . . And, to this day, Bubba has no idea how she figured out that he was in the furniture business.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
A blonde is taking the driving portion of her driver's license exam. She handles most of the maneuvers quite well. However, she has a little trouble parallel parking, and winds up a about a foot from the curb. "Could you get a little closer?" the examiner asks. The blonde then unbuckles her seat belt and slides over toward the examiner and asks, "OK, sir... Now what?"
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
It was the finish line of the Boston marathon. A first time runner is hobbling away, having just finished. A grizzled old marathoner looks at him and says "You'll feel a lot worse tomorrow." He pauses and then says, "But the REALLY bad news is that in about 3 days, you're going to think you had fun today!"
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Working as a court reporter, I hear to a lot of testimony that you won't hear on LAW AND ORDER, including the following give-and-take between the judge and a mother during a paternity suit. Judge: "Was this child born out of wedlock?" Mother: "No, sir, just outside of Louisville."




~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
Bob had been married 25 years. He took a look at his wife one day
and said, "Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap
car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV,
but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25-year-old blond. Now, we
have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm
sleeping with a 50-year-old woman. It seems to me that you are not
holding up your side of things." His wife was a very reasonable
woman. She told him to go out and find a hot 25-year-old blond, and
she would make sure that he would once again be living in a cheap
apartment, driving a cheap car and sleeping on a sofa bed.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
The family had finally gotten their first dishwasher. The father
liked to inspect every new thing that cam into the house, so he
stayed in the kitchen and watched the display count down all forty-
four minutes of the dish washing cycle. Suddenly he called out for
his wife, shouting, "It's useless, the dishwasher is useless!" The
wife was amazed that the newest appliance could be broken after only
one use, but he insisted that because they had a water softener, the
dishwasher was useless. She decided to look for herself, and there it
was, on the inside door, next to the detergent dispenser: USE LESS
WITH SOFT WATER.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
The orchestra conductor was missing some players in his string
section and was desperate to fill the positions before the concert
began. Just before the last rehearsal he went out the back door and
into the alley behind the concert hall. There he "hooked up" with
some very strange women of the night. He returned with two hideous
creatures whose horrid faces and wings were very disturbing to the
other players, but they were musicians of obvious talon. Nobody knew
how he did it so quickly, but in that short time outside in the alley
he somehow had contracted harpies.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
A career military man, who had retired as a corporal, was telling the
younger men how he handled officers during his years of service. "It
didn't matter a hoot if he was a Major General, an Admiral, or the
Commander-in-Chief. I always told those guys exactly where to get
off." "Wow, you musta been something," the admiring young soldiers
remarked. "What was your job in the service?" "Elevator operator in
the Pentagon."

No Aide

I have been working on what I love to do and that is gather jokes to post. There are times when I can picture the faces of some dear bloggers as they sit with the morning cup and read the jokes. I actually have a goal of putting out a page that will make someone smile. Even if it is just one person its worth my time.

While working on my pages I found this: Yahoo-Pictures_war As I looked at the photos my heart sank. More of the same once you get into it. Doctored pictures. Even my untrained eye can catch the every so often fake.
As I looked at Pictures of protesters here. I thought "wonder why they don't go home to say these things." Then it was a redneck answer heres ya sign.
They dont' have ass enough to go back and say these things there.

But I have to say this. Every time you burn my flag I send a letter to my Reps saying no aide. NoAide. They have no respect for us. We don't need to support them. Do you understand me. Every time you are burning my flag and walking on the icons I love.
I am voicing my thoughts and encouraging my friends and family to do the same.
NO AIDE FOR TERRORIST NATIONS.
It is an easy thing. Contact my reps. Bush may ask they can say NO!!!

Wierd News Round Up

Artic thawed in prehistoric global warming UUUhhhemmmmmmmm Hey Al what happenned 55 million years ago. Who polluted then?

What's the myth of the hanging Munchkin? Just Wierd.
Strange Russian Holes in the Ground
Penguins corralled on Texas highway
Hungry Ghosts Overrun China
Cypriots out searching for phantom monkey beggar
Mole Man of Hackney is ordered to stop digging
Evolution Reversed In Mice
Jon Ronson investigates the Indigo kids
Mexico pilots release 'UFO film'
Ancient Dagger found in Bulgaria

JUDGE FLORO

I am not sure how to approach this one. JudgeFloro has made the news again.

Dismissed judge, elfin pals claim immortality
By Armand NocumInquirer
Last updated 02:42am (Mla time) 08/06/2006
Published on page A1 of the
August 6, 2006 issue of the Philippine Daily Inquirer

Judge Floro contacted me after I posted a link to a story in my WierdNewsRoundup back in May. At the time I posted it I made no comment on this story. Later after posting one of his many emails to me. I told him that I would give him equal time on my blog should he wish to write a post and/or wish to guest blog it here.
He sent other emails with tons of links to many publications on the net. However he has never sent anything to publish on this blog. He is very articulate in his emails. He seems very normal.

I live my life by the puddin test.
DO AS YOU WILL HARM NONE
I will not question several things that others study. As long as it meets the puddin test.
DO AS YOU WILL HARM NONE
Religion, Occult, Paranormal events, UfO people, Cryptozoology.

I will question anyone's intent when it does not meet the puddin test.
DO AS YOU WILL HARM NONE.
That includes politics, religion occult, paranormals, UfO stuff, and free speech that endangers a free people.

I do not live in the Philippines nor do I know this man. I have no clue how he ruled from the bench. Once again I am extending an invitation to him to contact me and publish his side of the story and not a bunch of links written by others.

Think Snow

~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
Rules of Being a Guy

1.. Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed
and eaten by his fellow partygoers.
2.. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
3.. It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances: a. When a
heroic dog dies to save it's master b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts
unbuttoning her blouse c. After wrecking your boss' Ferrari
4.. Acceptable excuse for not helping a friend move: Your legs have been
severed in a freak accident.
5.. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits
forever, unless you actually marry her.
6.. Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out
of jail within 12 hours.
7.. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for a guy who's running
late is 5 minutes. Maximum.
8.. Complaining about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is
forbidden.
9.. Gripe at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
10.. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another
man. (in fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional).
11.. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may
always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's
playing.
12.. It is permissible to quaff a fruity chick drink only when you're
sunning on a tropical beach....and it's delivered by a topless
supermodel...and it's free.
13.. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
14.. Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
15.. If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem - you didn't see
nothing.
16.. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies
until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a
buffalo wing clean.
17.. You must offer heartfelt and public condolences over the death of a
girlfriend's cat, even if it was you who secretly set it on fire and threw
it into a ceiling fan.
18.. Never join your girlfriend or wife in dissing a buddy of yours,
except if she's withholding sex pending your response.
19.. Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing:
both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an
almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.
20.. You cannot rat out a coworker who shows up at work with a massive
hangover. You may however, hide the aspirin, smear his chair with limburger
cheese, turn the brightness dial all the way down so he thinks his monitor
is broken, and have him paged over the loudspeaker every seven minutes.

+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
One day while on patrol, a police officer pulled over a car for
speeding. He went up to the car and asked the driver to roll down her
window. The first thing he noticed, besides the nice red sports car, was
how hot the driver was! Drop dead blonde, the works.

"I've pulled you over for speeding, Ma'me.... could I see your drivers
license...?"

"...What's a license...???" replied the blonde, instantly giving away
the fact that she was as dumb as a stump..

"It's usually in your wallet..." replied the officer. After fumbling
for a few minutes, the driver managed to find it.

"Now may I see your registration..." asked the cop.

"Registration..... what's that.....?" asked the blonde. "It's usually
in your glove compartment..." said the cop impatiently.

After some more fumbling, she found the registration. "I'll
be back in a minute..." said the cop and walked back to his car. The
officer phoned into the dispatch to run a check on the woman's license
and registration. After a few moments, the dispatcher came back;

"Ummm.... is this woman driving a red sports car?"

"Yes...." replied the officer

"Is she a drop dead gorgeous blonde?" asked the dispatcher

"Uh... yes" replied the cop.

"Here's what you do...." said the dispatcher. "Give her the stuff back,
and drop your pants..."

"WHAT!!? I can't do that. Its..... inappropriate..." exclaimed the cop.

"Trust me..... just do it...." said the dispatcher.

So the cop goes back to the car, gives back the license and registration
and drops his pants, just as the dispatcher said.

The blonde looks down and sighs..... "Ohh no... not ANOTHER
breathalyzer.."
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
A guy was trying to console a friend who'd just found his wife in bed
with another man.

"Get over it, buddy," he said. "It's not the end of the world."

"That's all right for you to say," answered his buddy. "But what if you
came home one night and caught another man in bed with your wife?"

The fella ponders for a moment, then says, "I'd break his cane and kick
his seeing-eye dog in the ass."

Two car salesmen were sitting at the bar.

One complained to the other, "Boy, business sucks. If I don't sell more
cars this month, I'm going to lose my fucking ass."

Too late he noticed a beautiful blonde, sitting two stools away.
Immediately, he offered apologies for his use of bad language.

"That's okay," the blonde replied, "I have a very similar problem... If
I don't sell more ass this month, I'm going to lose my fucking car."
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+



Ski Season
----------

Ski season is here! Hence, the following list of exercises to get you
prepared:

16. Visit your local butcher and pay $30 to sit in the walk-in freezer
for a half an hour. Afterwards, burn two $50 dollar bills to warm up.

15. Soak your gloves and store them in the freezer after every use.

14. Fasten a small, wide rubber band around the top half of your head
before you go to bed each night.

13. If you wear glasses, begin wearing them with glue smeared on the
lenses.

12. Throw away a hundred dollar bill-now.

11. Find the nearest ice rink and walk across the ice 20 times in your
ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, accessory bag and poles. Pretend
you are looking for your car. Sporadically drop things.

10. Place a small but angular pebble in your shoes, line them with
crushed ice, and then tighten a C-clamp around your toes.

9. Buy a new pair of gloves and immediately throw one away.

8. Secure one of your ankles to a bedpost and ask a friend to run into
you at high speed.

7. Go to McDonald's and insist on paying $8.50 for a hamburger. Be sure
you are in the longest line.

6. Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride a motorcycle
fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face.

5. Drive slowly for five hours - anywhere - as long as it's in a
snowstorm and you're following an 18-wheeler.

4. Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray blast
your face. Leave the ice on your face until it melts. Let it drip into
your clothes.

3. Dress up in as many clothes as you can and then proceed to take them
off because you have to go to the bathroom.

2. Slam your thumb in a car door. Don't go see a doctor.

1. Repeat all of the above every Saturday and Sunday until it's time for
the real thing!
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
Redneck

How To Tell If You're A HIGH-TECH REDNECK

You take your net-connected cell phone to the outhouse to read your
eMail
Your eMail address ends in ".over.yonder.com"
Your computer is worth more than all your cars combined
Your presence on the World Wide Web is a "Down Home Page"
You tripled the value of your truck by installing a portable DVD You
trim the kudzu back from your trailer so it won't mess up your DSL You
ever refer to your computer as "Ole Bessy" Your screen saver is a bitmap
image of your favorite tractor You start all your eMails with the words
"Howdy!" You can fix a trolling motor with a set of PC tools You've ever
used a CD-ROM as a coaster to set your drink can on The bumper sticker
on your truck says "My other computer is a laptop" You know that a
'network' has nothing to do with fishin' Your baseball cap has an Intel
logo instead of "CAT" There's Bondo on your keyboard You keep inventory
of your truck parts, fishin' lures and country music
tapes in Excel
You've got every font ever made that looks like Old West signs or wood
plank
fencing installed on your computer
You have "Free Bird" and "Achy Breaky Heart" on the MP3 player in your
truck
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
ESP

Tired of having to balance his wife Cindy's checkbook,
Mike made a deal with her; he would look at it, but
only after she had spent a few hours trying to wrestle
it into shape.
The following night, after spending hours poring over
stubs and figures, Cindy said proudly, "I've done it!
I made it balance!"
Impressed, Mike came over to take a look. "Let's
see... mortgage 550.00, electricity 70.50, phone
35.00." His brow wrinkled as he read the last entry.
"It says here ESP, $615. What the heck is that?"
"Oh," she said, "That means, Error Some Place!"
*************************




~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
A Republican and a Democrat were walking down the street when they came
to a homeless person. The Republican gave the homeless person his
business card and told him to come to his business for a job. He then
took twenty dollars out of his pocket and gave it to the homeless
person.

The Democrat was very impressed, and when they came to another homeless
person, he decided to help. He walked over to the homeless person and
gave him directions to the welfare office. He then reached into the
Republican's pocket and got out twenty dollars. He kept $15 for
administrative fees and gave
the homeless person five.
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
A fisherman's wife was sitting on the bank of a river when
along came the ranger and said "Excuse me madam
but I need to speak to your husband. Can you tell me where
he is?" She replied, pointing to a clump of reeds. "Go over
there and look for the pole with a worm on both ends."
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
After buying her kids a pet hamster, after
they PROMISED they would take care of it,
Mom, as usual, ended up with the
responsibility.

One evening, exasperated, she asked
them, "How many times do you think
that hamster would have died if I hadn't
looked after it?"

After a moment, her youngest 5 year old
son replied quizzically, "Er.... Once?"

A little sure fire kid wisdom:
Never tell your mom her diet's not
working.
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
WHERE DO REDHEAD BABIES COME FROM?


After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the obstetrician "Doctor," the man said, "I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine."

"Nonsense," the doctor said. "Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool."

"It isn't possible," the man insisted. "This can't be, our families on both sides had jet-black hair for generations."

"Well," said the doctor, "let me ask you this. How often do you have sex?"

The man seemed a bit ashamed. "I've been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice every few months."

"Well, there you have it!" The doctor said confidently. "It's rust.

~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
Am on the Computer, and it's only 12:15 WOW! Haven't been on enough to take care of all the Fwds, and I have a rather large list! Gotta go work, C.U.L. Friends.
This is from Sharon in OR
Here's a new idea . . .A win, win, win, solution:
1. Dig a moat the length of the Mexican border.
2. Take the dirt from the moat to fix and raise the levies in New Orleans.
3. Put the Florida alligators in the moat.
Are there any other problems you would like for me to solve?





A Simple Mistake

It is with regret and haste that I write this letter to you, regret that
such a small misunderstanding could lead to the following circumstances,
and haste in order that you will get this report before you form your
own pre-conceived opinions from reports in the world press, for I am
sure that they will tend to over dramatize the affair. We had just
picked up the pilot and the apprentice had returned from changing the G
flag for the H and, it being his first trip, was having difficulty
rolling the G flag up, I therefore proceeded to show him how. Coming to
the last part, I told him to ``let go'', the lad although willing is not
too bright, necessitating my having to repeat the order in a sharper
tone.

At this moment the chief officer appeared from the chart room, having
been plotting the vessel's progress and, thinking that it was the
anchors that were being referred to, repeated the ``let go'' to the
third officer on the fo'cstle. The port anchor having been cleared away
but not walked out, was promptly let go. The effect of letting the
anchor drop from the ``pipe'' while the vessel was proceeding at full
harbor speed proved too much for the windlass brake, and the entire
length of the port cable was pulled out ``by the roots''. I fear that
the damage to the chain locker may be extensive. The braking effect of
the port anchor naturally caused the vessel to sheer in that direction,
right towards the swing bridge that spans the tributary to the river up
which we were proceeding.

The swing bridge operator showed great presence of mind by opening the
bridge for my vessel. Unfortunately, he did not think to stop vehicular
traffic, the result being that the bridge partly opened and deposited a
Volkswagen, two cyclists, and a cattle truck on the foredeck. My ship's
company are at present rounding up the contents of the latter, which
from the noise I would say were pigs. In his efforts to stop the
progress of the vessel, the third officer dropped the starboard anchor,
too late to be of practical use, for it fell on the swing bridge
operator's control cabin.

After the port anchor was let go and the vessel started to sheer, I gave
a double ring full astern on the engine room telegraph and personally
rang the engine room to order maximum astern revolutions. I was
informed that the sea temperature was 53 degs and asked if there was a
film tonight. My reply would not add constructively to this report.

Up to now I have confined my report to the activities at the forward end
of the vessel. Down aft they were having their own problems. At the
moment the port anchor was let go, the second officer was supervising
the making fast of the after tug and was lowering the ship's towing
spring down onto the tug.

The sudden braking effect on the port anchor caused the tug to run in
under the stern of my vessel just at the moment when the propellers was
answering my double ring full astern. The prompt action of the second
officer in securing the inboard end of the towing spring delayed the
sinking of the tug by some minutes, and thereby the safe abandoning of
that vessel.

It is strange but at the very same moment of letting go the port anchor
there was a power cut ashore. The fact that we were passing over a
cable area at that time might suggest we may have touched something on
the riverbed. It is perhaps lucky that the high tension cables brought
down by the foremast were not live, possibly being replaced by the
underwater cable, but owing to the shore blackout, it is impossible to
say where the pylon fell.

It never fails to amaze me the actions and behavior of foreigners during
moments of minor crisis. The pilot for instance is at this moment
huddled in the corner of my day cabin alternately crooning to himself
and crying after having consumed a bottle of gin in a time that is
worthy of inclusion

in the Guinness Book of Records.

The tug captain on the other hand reacted violently and, had to be
forcibly restrained by the steward, who has him handcuffed in the ship's
hospital, where he is telling me to do impossible things with my ship
and my crew.

I enclose the names and addresses of the drivers and insurance companies
of the vehicles on my foredeck, which the third officer collected after
his somewhat hurried evacuation of the fo'cstle. These particulars will
enable us to claim for the damage that they did to the railing of the
no. 1 hold.

I am enclosing this preliminary report for I am finding it difficult to
concentrate with the sound of police sirens and their flashing lights.
It is sad to think that had the apprentice realized that there is no
need to fly pilot flags after dark, none of this would have happened.
For weekly accountability report I will assign the following casualty
numbers T/750101 to T/750119 inclusive.

Yours truly Master

Some Funnies and well.......

Superior Health Insurance
ATTN: Claims Review
1423 W. 90th St.
New York, NY 05016

Dear Sir:

This letter is in response to your recent letter requesting a
more detailed explanation concerning my recent internment at
Methodist Hospital.

Specifically, you asked for an expansion in reference to Block
21(a)(3) of the claim form (reason for hospital visit). On the
original form, I put "Stupidity". I realize now that this answer
was somewhat vague and so I will attempt to more fully explain
the circumstances leading up to my hospitalization.

I had needed to use the restroom and had just finished a quick bite
to eat at the local burger joint. I entered the bathroom, took care
of my business, and just prior to the moment in which I had planned
to raise my trousers, the locked case that prevents theft of the
toilet paper in such places came undone and, feeling it striking
my knee, unthinkingly, I immediately, and with unnecessary force,
returned the lid back to its normal position.

Unfortunately, as I did this I also turned and certain parts of my
body, which were still exposed, were trapped between the device's
lid and its main body. Feeling such intense and immediate pain
caused me to jump back. It quickly came to my attention that,
when one's privates are firmly attached to an immovable object,
it is not a good idea to jump in the opposite direction.

Upon recovering some of my senses, I attempted to reopen the
lid. However, my slamming of it had been sufficient to allow the
locking mechanism to engage. I then proceeded to get a hold on
my pants and subsequently removed my keys from them. I intended
to try to force the lock of the device open with one of my keys;
thus extracting myself.

Unfortunately, when I attempted this, my key broke in the lock.

Embarrassment of someone seeing me in this unique position became
a minor concern, and I began to call for help in as much of a calm
and rational manner as I could. An employee from the restaurant
quickly arrived and decided that this was a problem requiring the
attention of the store manager.

Betty, the manager, came quickly. She attempted to unlock the
device with her keys. Since I had broken my key off in the device,
she could not get her key in. Seeing no other solution, she called
the EMS (as indicated on your form in block 21(b)(1)).

After approximately 15 minutes, the EMS arrived, along with
two police officers, a fire-rescue squad, and the channel 4
''On-the-Spot'' news team. The guys from the fire department
quickly took charge as this was obviously a rescue operation.

The senior member of the team discovered that the device was
attached with bolts to the cement wall that could only be reached
once the device was unlocked. (His discovery was by means of
tearing apart the device located in the stall next to the one
that I was in. (Since the value of the property destroyed in his
examination was less than $50 (my deductible) I did not include it
in my claim.) His partner, who seemed like an intelligent fellow
at the time, came up with the idea of cutting the device from the
wall with the propane torch that was in the rescue truck.

The fireman went to his truck, retrieved the torch, and commenced
to attempt to cut the device from the wall. Had I been in a state
to think of such things, I might have realized that in cutting the
device from the wall several things would also inevitably happen.

First, the air inside of the device would quickly heat up,
causing items inside the device to suffer the same effects that
are normally achieved by placing things in an oven. Second, the
metal in the device is a good conductor of heat causing items that
are in contact with the device to react as if thrown into a hot
skillet. And, third, molten metal would shower the inside of the
device as the torch cut through.

The one bright note of the propane torch was that it did manage to
cut, in the brief time that I allowed them to use it, a hole big
enough for a small pry bar to be placed inside of the device. The
EMS team then loaded me, along with the device, into the waiting
ambulance as stated on your form.

Due the small area of your block 21(a)(3), I was unable to give
a full explanation of these events, and thus used the word which
I thought best described my actions that led to my hospitalization.

Sincerely, (name withheld)
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#




Rumination of the Day

For me, the hardest part of breaking up
with a girl is convincing her we were
actually dating in the first place.
------

As you've probably heard by now, actor/director
Mel Gibson was charged with driving under the
influence for an incident in Malibu last Friday
in which he screamed obscenities and anti-Semitic
statements at the arresting officers, as
well as calling one female cop "sugar-tits."
We wonder what's next for Mel's showbiz career.

The Top 5 Proposed Movies Starring Mel Gibson
(Part I)

5> MADD Mel: Beyond Thunderbird

4> Malice & Vomit

3> Dude, Where's My Swastika?

2> Ten Things I Hate About Jews

and Topfive.com's Number 1 Proposed Movie Starring Mel Gibson...

1> Brainfart

------

The Top 5 Proposed Movies Starring Mel Gibson
(Part II)

5> An Inconvenient Vermouth

4> The Sixth Shot

3> 2006: A S'faced Odyssey

2> The Crashin' of the Chrysler

and Topfive.com's Number 1 Proposed Movie Starring Mel Gibson...

1> Jew, Me and Drambuie

------

Rumination of the Day

If I ever release an album, I'm going to
title it "10 Million German Hasselhoff Fans
Can't Be Wrong." You know those crazy Germans will buy
anything with that guy's name on it,
and then I'll have an even bigger laugh with
the leadoff single, "Oh Yes, They Freakin' *Can*!"
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+





~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
Rumination of the Day

Following surgery I had a near-death
experience, but ultimately convinced my
raging wife the nurse was merely checking my blood
pressure "the old fashioned way."

(Tidewater Joe)
------

The Top 5 Bad Romance Novel Metaphors or Similes

5> He Beatty-ed her shamelessly, making her squeal like Ned
and hallucinate like Warren.

4> He awoke my slumbering womanhood with his double tall loin
latte. "Starbuck!" I cried.

3> His chest was her pillow, and oh, did she drool.

2> Claire felt swept away by this dark stranger, a helpless dust
bunny in the roaring cacophony of his gas-powered leaf blower.

and Topfive.com's Number 1 Bad Romance Novel Metaphor or Simile...

1> His finger, weathered and rough from years on the ranch,
danced in and out of his nose like a slimy ballerina.

------

Rumination of the Day

You had me at "filthy rich nymphomaniac
former Playmate daughter of a brewery owner."

(Lee Entrekin)

------

During our recent hiatus, I had a great time
attending my 75-year high school reunion
in Sugar Land, Texas. (Go Mighty Vikings!)

Sweet: I learned a girlfriend of mine was once arrested
for carving "I love Chris White" on a water tower.

Bizarre: *I* was also once arrested for carving
"I love Chris White" on a water tower.

The Top 5 Signs Your High School Reunion Is Going Badly

5> Although it sounds loftier, "Food Service Boiler Operations
Chief" is just Wendy's-speak for "French Fry Guy."

4> The bar is run by the lunch ladies and the only drinks are
Salisbury-steak coladas, sloppy Joe-tinis, and fish-stick sours.

3> Your toupee falls off while dancing to Foghat.

2> Your wife finds out from your former FFA buddies that your
"little problem playing the ponies" didn't have anything to do
with gambling after all.

and Topfive.com's Number 1 Sign Your
High School Reunion Is Going Badly...

1> All the guys keep hitting you up for lap dances -- on your
night off!

------

Rumination of the Day

You have to start stories off the right
way. Like, can you imagine how much funnier the bible
would have been if Eve had been made from Adam's butt?
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Weird Fact :
Airports that are at higher altitudes require a longer airstrip due to lower air density.
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#




A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings are the only animals that stutter", she says. A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered", she volunteered. The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident. "Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the rottweiler who lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!" "That must've been scary", said the teacher. "It sure was", said the little girl. "My kitty went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'... and before he could say "F88k," the rottweiler ate him!"

+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
A Chicano widower who never paid any attention to his wife while she was
alive now found himself missing her desperately. He went to a psychic to
see if he could contact his late wife.
The psychic went into a trance. A strange breeze wafted through
the darkened room, and suddenly, the man heard the unmistakable voice of
his dearly departed wife.
"Honey!" he cried. "Is that you?"
"Yes, my husband."
"Are you happy?"
"Yes, my husband."
"Happier than you were with me?"
"Yes, my husband."
"Then Heaven must be an amazing place!"
"It is! Trust me, it is!"
"I do have one question for you, my snookums."
"Yes, my love, what is it?"
"When did you learn to speak English so perfectly!?"
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
On an airplane, I overheard a stewardess talking to an elderly couple in
front of me. Learning that it was the couple's 50th wedding anniversary,
the flight attendant congratulated them and asked how they had done it.

"It all felt like five minutes..." the gentleman said slowly. The
stewardess had just begun to remark on what a sweet statement that was
when he finished his sentence with a word that earned him a sharp smack
on the head: "..underwater."

~~~~~

My friend's husband always teases her about her lack of interest in
household chores. One day he came home with a gag gift, a refrigerator
magnet that read: "Martha Stewart doesn't live here."

The next day he came home to find the magnet holding up a
slip of paper. The note read:
"Neither does Bob Vila."

~~~~~

Two trucks loaded with a thousand copies of Roget's Thesaurus collided
as they left a New York publishing house last Thursday, according to the
Associated Press.
Witnesses were stunned, startled, aghast, taken aback, stupefied,
astonished, astounded, mesmerized....
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
Flight fifty has a pretty rough time above the ocean. Suddenly a voice
comes over the intercom: "Ladies and gentlemen, please fasten your seat
belts and assume crash positions. We have lost our engines and we are
trying to put this baby as gentle as possible down on the water".

"Oh stewardess! Are there any sharks in the ocean below?" asks a little
old lady, terrified.

"Yes, I'm afraid there are some. But not to worry, we have a special gel
in the bottle next to your chair designed especially for emergencies
like this. Just rub the gel onto your arms and legs".

"And if I do this, the sharks won't eat me any more?" asks the little
lady.

"Oh, they will eat you all right, only they won't enjoy it so much".

*************************

Saturday' Early Laugh Edition

START YOUR DAY THE AMERICAN WAY
I pledge alligiance to the flag of the United States of America
and to the republic for which it stands
-------------One Nation Under God---------------
Indivisible with liberty and justice for all





~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
A bar in eastern China allows it's customers to beat up the
staff. The Rising Sun Anger Release Bar in Nanjing lets customers
smash glasses and even hit specially trained workers reports
China Daily. The owner, Wu Gong, says he was inspired to open the
bar by his experiences as a migrant worker. The bar employs 20
men who have been given protective gear and physical training to
prepare them for the job. Clients can ask the men to dress as the
character they wish to attack. Customer Chen Liang said: "The idea
of beating someone decorated as your boss seems attractive." But
another man, Liu Yuanyuan, said violence was not the answer. "If
people really feel angry, they should adjust their lifestyles or
seek psychological treatment."

------

In Romania, a man had to go to the hospital to have his wedding
ring removed from his penis after his mistress got so mad at him
and stuck it on him while he was asleep.

I don't know what's more embarrassing --

Getting caught cheating or finding out your penis fits through
your wedding ring.

------

Police called out to investigate reports of a young child left
home alone found a talking parrot instead. Police were called to
the house in Koblenz, Germany, by an elderly lady who said she
could hear a child next door constantly screaming "Mama, Mama". The
woman felt the child must have been left home alone as nobody was
answering the cries. But when officers broke into the house they
found the cries were coming from a 25-year- old talking parrot.


+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Wife: And another thing I want to tell you. I've noticed every
time you talk, you say my house, my automobile, my chair, my shoes;
everything's yours. You never say ours. I'm your partner. I'm your
wife. It should be ours.

The husband paid no attention to his wife and just kept looking
around the room for something.

Wife: What are you looking for?

Husband: Our pants!

~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#




It was so hot today that my cab driver said, 'If I used deodorant
this would have been the day I would use it.'" --David Letterman
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
I filled out a rental application that asked, 'Do you own
any liquid-filled furniture?' Couldn't they just have said
'waterbed'? How many other forms of liquid-filled furniture are
there? 'Yeah, I have a beer couch, will that be a problem?'" --Lisa
Goich
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
"Police in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, have arrested an 80- year-old
man and charged him with selling crack. It's so sad to see what's
happened to Dan Rather." ~Jay Leno

------

"Michael Jackson is going to move to Ireland. He's already found a
cottage in a small village known as Glenn Creepy." ~David Letterman

------

"A lot of military experts are wondering how the U.S can stop
Israel from getting bombed. Israel? We can't even stop Pete Coors
from getting bombed." ~Jay Leno

------

On Friday, President Bush held a press conference with British Prime
Minister Tony Blair and then he met with "American Idol" Taylor
Hicks. Those are our last two remaining allies. ~Jay Leno

+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Floyd Landis, winner of the Tour de France, was supposed to be on
our show last week and cancelled. Then yesterday he was supposed
to be on the show and cancelled again. That's pretty sad, when
you don't even think you can pass the tonight show drug test. Come
on! The band got in. - Jay Leno

------

The new "Superman movie opened up recently. Superman has
been everywhere. A lot of photo shoots, interviews, movie
premieres. Shouldn't he be out fighting crime! - Dave Letterman

------

The report showed that president bush had no history of disease
including no sexually transmitted diseases. President Bush was
relieved to hear that. He's always worried that he might have
caught something from Clinton's old office chair. - Jay Leno

------

"People keep asking me, 'What evil lurks in you to play such bad
characters? There is no evil in me, I just wear tight underwear."

-Dennis Hopper

------

"The state of Nevada said it is considering legalizing small
amounts of marijuana, but opponents of the measure say they
are concerned that marijuana might attract the wrong element
to Nevada. You wouldn't want anybody smoking a joint in front of
the whorehouse." --Jay Leno
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+




"Just try to relax, this won't take long," said the gynecologist
trying to calm the obviously nervous young blonde patient.
"Haven't you ever been examined like this before?" he asked.

"Yeah, sure," she replied, "but not by a doctor!"
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
When a man says, "We've got to talk,"
the woman hears, "We're going to have a nice conversation."

When a woman says, "We've got to talk,"
the man hears, "Will the defendant please rise?"

------

A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance
to get its pants on.

-- Sir Winston Churchill

------

I've been trying to get my stool specimen to the lab for weeks now.
I'm going to have to start getting my shit together.

-- Jerry L. Embry from Ruminations

------

An elderly gentleman was reading his recovery-room record at the
hospital where I work.

He looked quite concerned at one notation. "I know I was in a bit
of a muddle, but I didn't realize I was that bad," he said to me
apologetically. "I hope I didn't offend anyone."

He was greatly relieved when I explained the acronym in question
meant "short of breath" and not what he thought.

------

After noticing a beautiful young woman sat on her own in a pub,
a suave, sophisticated young man confidently strolled over
to the table where she was sat and said: "What can I get you,
gorgeous?" The woman, blushed and replied: "If you're sure you
don't mind, I'll have a large stiff one please."

The man smiled, casually leaned over the table, and whispered
into the woman's ear: "Would that be before or after I've got
the drinks?"

------

Mary: I'm having some sexual problems lately.

Jill: Oh, Dear! What's wrong?

Mary: I'm not getting any!

------

Kurt was going out with a nice girl and finally popped the
question. "Will you marry me, darling?" he asked.

Lisa smiled coyly and said, "Yes, if you'll buy me a mink."

Kurt thought for a moment and then replied, "Okay, it's a deal,
on one condition."

"What is that?" Lisa asked.

"You'll have to clean the cage," Kurt replied.

------

A man sued his ex-wife for $1,000,000 for allegedly causing him
to become impotent. He lost the case because the evidence did
not stand up in court.

------

Jill meets Nadine for lunch. "You're looking very tired today,
Jill. Did you have a late night?"

"Yes," replies Jill, "but it was all very strange. While doing
some gardening yesterday, I found a lamp, so I rubbed it and out
popped a genie. He gave me a choice of two wishes."

"Wow," says Nadine, "so what were the choices he gave you, Jill?"

"He said he could either give me an excellent, sharp, 100% memory
or else he could give my boyfriend a bigger penis."

"So tell me already, Jill, what did you choose?"

"I can't remember," replies Jill.

------

I'm forty and single. Don't you think it's a generalization that
you should be married at forty?

That's like looking at somebody who's seventy and saying, "Hey,
when are you gonna break your hip? All your friends are breaking
their hips, what are you waiting for?"

------

Good:Your wife meets you at the door nude.

Bad: She's coming home.

------

Blogs to Check out

My list for this weeks peeks.

This is some old some new.

Have fun reading and leave em a comment and tell em granny sent ya.

For those of ya that don't blog I know ya hang around.

I see ya thanks to site meter. Start a blog and send me your link.

Leilouta

This is my Show case for the week

Liguid Life Hacker

Bornagain Redneck

Patrick delivers a variety

*Old Soldier

Always on the Top of his Game

Mini-Obs

her Life

Wasted Days Wasted Days

Junebugg always cheers me up

Tel Chai Nation

He is there we aren't

Pea Patch

Check 'er out

Hillbilly Whitetrash

Vote for yer hillbilly

I.R.I.S.

This is very serious

Joshua Pundit

News of the day broke down

Assorted Babble

Critical news of the day

RIGHT WING NEWS

the name says it all

Oges'View

He has a fun photo game.

Para Normal Experience

Joanna is a busy bee

Oh Hell Lieberman: Lamont doesn't understand

Oh my poor Conserative Gir!!!
She is, in a poli-sci class. Her professor asked the first night to see their voter registration OOOOwwwwww. I fear her ideas and debates are gonna be a lot rougher than when we discuss them. I fear there goes that 4. grade average.
She emailed me this article. She had to write a brief comment on. I put it on the bottom.
Oh my stars and bars. She believes if the dems moved back this direction they would have a viable party.
Well. she is right however its never gonna happen as long as we have the far left.


Lieberman: Lamont doesn't understand terror threat
Senator says rival's Iraq policy would give terrorists a victory
Thursday, August 10, 2006; Posted: 4:23 p.m. EDT (20:23 GMT)

WATERBURY, Connecticut (AP) -- Sen. Joe Lieberman set out on his go-it-alone re-election campaign Thursday and seized on the terror arrests in Britain to argue that his Democratic opponent, Ned Lamont, does not fully understand the danger facing the nation.
Lieberman's stop in Waterbury was his first public event since losing Tuesday's Democratic primary, dismissing his campaign staff and launching his independent bid.
He seized on the terror plot in Britain to criticize Lamont's opposition to the war in Iraq.
"I'm worried that too many people, both in politics and out, don't appreciate the seriousness of the threat to American security and the evil of the enemy that faces us -- more evil or as evil as Nazism and probably more dangerous than the Soviet communists we fought during the long Cold War," Lieberman said.
"If we just pick up like Ned Lamont wants us to do, get out by a date certain, it will be taken as a tremendous victory by the same people who wanted to blow up these planes in this plot hatched in England. It will strengthen them and they will strike again."
British authorities on Thursday arrested 21 people and said they thwarted a terrorist plot to simultaneously blow up several aircraft heading to the U.S. using explosives smuggled in hand luggage.
"We are at war with a brutal enemy," Lieberman said while visiting a pizza parlor. "How the heck can we be in a battle in which we are fighting as Democrats and Republicans against each other when these terrorists certainly don't distinguish based on party affiliation? They want to kill any and all of us."CNNArticle


Conserative Girls Thoughts:

This is negative publicity about his opponent running for Senate. I really liked his second quote, it basically says 'united we stand, devided we fall.' People have always disagreed with the Government, they tend to forget war is ugly. I think that the people that disagree and have negatives things to say right now are getting more publicity than the people that support it. I have to disagree with the book, recontruction has not turned out badly, it couldn't have, we're not done yet! Everyone focuses on the negative. What about all the free people over there that like us. The Iraqi good guys are sacrificing their lives too. I don't like how the book uses past tense.

Terror Plot Uncovered

I have one comment about the terror plot

that has just been uncovered by the Brits.

This is to the Loony Lefties and the terrorist.

To me that line is blurring between the two of you.

That includes the jack asses

that cannot make up their minds

if they are for the war or against it.

If a picture if worth a thousand words.

Then the following is a blanket statement.

Friday Funnies

START YOUR DAY THE AMERICAN WAY
I pledge alligiance to the flag of the United States of America
and to the republic for which it stands
-------------One Nation Under God---------------
Indivisible with liberty and justice for all



+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Dear Abby,
A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is social worker in her mid twenties. These two women go everywhere together, and I've never seen a man go into their apartment or come out. Do you think they could be Lebanese?
Dear Abby, What can I do about all the sex, nudity, language and violence on my VCR?
Dear Abby, I have a man I never could trust. He cheats so much I'm not even sure this baby I'm carrying is his.
Dear Abby, I am a twenty-three-year-old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive, and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.
Dear Abby, I suspected that my husband had been fooling around, and when I confronted him with the evidence he denied everything and said it would never happen again. Should I believe him?
Dear Abby, Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own religion?
Dear Abby, I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now, how do I get out?
Dear Abby, My 40-year-old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50 an hour every week for two-and-a-half years. He must be crazy.
Dear Abby, Do you think it would be all right if I gave my doctor a little gift? I tried for years to get pregnant and couldn't, but he finally did it.
Dear Abby, My mother is mean and short-tempered. Do you think she is going through her mental pause?
Dear Abby, You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex years ago and he IS a doctor. What now?





~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
SOCIAL SECURITY SEX

Two men were talking. So, how's your sex life?"
"Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex."
"Social Security sex?"
"Yeah, you know; I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"

+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
LOUD SEX
A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem,
doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this
ear splitting yell."
"My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what
the problem is." "The problem is," she complained, "it wakes me up!"
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
QUIET SEX

Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife
during a recent lovemaking session, "How come you never tell me when you
have an orgasm?"
She glanced at him casually and replied, "You're never home!"
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
CONFOUNDED SEX

A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn
from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him
back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery since
it was considered cosmetic. The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for
"small, $6,500 for "medium, $14,000 for "large." The man was sure he would
want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his
wife before he made any decision. The man called his wife on the phone and
explained their options. The doctor came back into the room, and found the
man looking dejected.
"Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor.
The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen."
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
WEDDING ANNIVERSARY SEX
A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th
wedding anniversary. The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a
headstone that reads:

'Here Lies My Wife-Cold As Ever'."
"Yeah," she replies, "when you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads:

Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'"
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
WOMEN'S HUMOROUS SEX

My husband came home with a tube of K Y jelly and said, "This will make you
happy tonight." He was right.
When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He
couldn't get back in.
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#

There is a family gathering, with all the
generations around the table.
The teenagers smuggle in a Viagra tablet and put
it in Grandpa's drink.
After a while, Grandpa excused himself because he
has to go to the bathroom.
When he returned, however, his trousers were wet
all over.
"What happened, Grandpa," asked his concerned
children?
"Well," he answered, "I had to go to the bathroom.
So I took it out, but then I saw that it wasn't
mine, so I put it back.
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
*A potato baked in the coals for one hour makes an excellent side dish.
A
potato baked in the coals for three hours makes an excellent hockey
puck.

*You can start a fire without matches by eating Mexican food, then
breathing on a pile of dry sticks.

*In emergency situations, you can survive in the wilderness by shooting
small game with a slingshot made from the elastic waistband of
your underwear.

*The guitar of the noisy teenager at the next campsite makes excellent
kindling.

*A large carp can be used for a pillow.

*Check the washing instructions before purchasing any apparel to be worn

camping. Buy only those that read "Beat on a rock in stream."

*The sight of a bald eagle has thrilled campers for generations. The
sight
of a bald man, however, does absolutely nothing for the eagle.

*It's entirely possible to spend your whole vacation on a winding
mountain road behind a large motor home.

*Effective January 1, 2000, you will actually have to enlist in the
Swiss Army to get a Swiss Army Knife.

*Bear bells provide an element of safety for hikers in grizzly country.
The tricky part is getting them on the bears.

*In an emergency, a drawstring from a parka hood can be used to strangle
a
snoring tent mate.
*************************
"Dating" A sweet little old lady surprised the young social worker that was interviewing her when she volunteered, " I do believe in sex on the first date you know. " - "That's pretty modern thinking for an 80 year old woman." the social worker commented. - "Well honey, you know one can never be sure of havin' a 2nd date with these old guys....

~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
Female

I'm the only female in a house full of guys.
Four sons and a husband. Toilet seat is never down...etc.
I'm the only one who would be using Female products.....correct?
A peculiar thing was happening at my house.

Tampons were disappearing! A few months ago I went to my
cupboard to get out a tampon,and there was only one left.
I could have sworn I had just bought a box the month before.
So, I go back to the store, buy a new box and forget about it.
The next month I go back to the cupboard.....
and again....there is only one tampon left again.
What's going on here? Gremlins?

I go to the store and buy another box, and forget about it. I
decided to clean out my two youngest sons closet and at the bottom
of their closet are the wrappers, applicators and the tampons
themselves.
I am starting to freak! What are they doing with them?I get a hold of
myself
and tell myself that I am an adult and can handle this, despite the
bizarre
thoughts running through my mind. I'm thinking,
"Do I have enough money saved up in the bank for major therapy?" I go to

the top of the stairs and yell for my two youngest sons to "come here!"

They march up the stairs and find me in their
room staring into the bottom of their closet.
I said "What are you doing with those? Those are mine!"
My 12 year old looks like a deer caught in the headlights and is silent.

My 10 year old looks at me all innocent and says.
"Well, Mom, we were playing with our G.I. Joes
and stuff... and those make really good scud missiles...
What do you use them for?" To which I replied:
"Never Mind! Go Play!"
*************************




Optimist

A group of elderly Jewish men meet every Wednesday for
a coffee and a chat. They drink their coffee and then sit
for hours discussing the world situation. Usually, their discussion is
very negative.

One day, Moishe surprises his friends by announcing, loud
and clear, "You know what? I've now become an optimist."

Everyone is totally shocked and all conversation dries up.

But then Sam notices something isn't quite right and he
says to Moishe, "Hold on a minute, if you're an optimist,
why are you looking so worried?"

Moishe replies, "Do you think it's easy being an optimist?"
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Student

Our college just completed a new three-story building. While
walking down a hall on the 2nd floor, I overheard two students say, "I
really like the skylights on the 3rd floor." "Me too," remarked the
second student. "I don't know why they didn't just put some on the 2nd
floor too."

My fiddle teacher was teaching a large group class. She showed them
her violin and said, "This violin was made in the early 1800s." Someone
in the audience raised their hand and asked, "So you got it used?"

A few years back, I was in high school and we were celebrating Holy
Week (the week before Easter) and we were watching a presentation on the
last few days of Jesus. The teacher used a clip from the movie "Jesus of
Nazareth" to make his point. As we were watching Jesus carry his cross,
a girl in my class asked, "Is this live footage?"

I work as a computer technician for a large retail chain, servicing
customer's computers. One day I answer the phone, and the Induhvidual
asks, "Do you guys sell Ethernet cables?" I said that we do, and he
asks, "How much is it?" I asked, "How long do you want it?" He
responded, "Um, a while I guess. I want to buy it." I said, "No, I mean
how long as in the length of the cable." This elicited total silence on
his end, so I informed him that we sell a 7-foot cable for $24.99. He
asked, "When do I have to return it?" I told him to keep it as long as
he likes.

My Kentuckian sister-in-law's young daughter recently married a
Mexican immigrant. They promptly had their first child. Sometime after
the birth, a doctor walked into the recovering mom's hospital room and
mentioned that the baby's white blood cell count was high. My
sister-in-law asked, "Does that mean she will be more white than
Mexican?"

While waiting in line at the Delta Gate to get my seat assignment,
I overheard an elderly lady in front of me trying to get a seat
assignment. When the clerk asked if she wanted a window or aisle seat
the old lady exclaimed "OH! Please don't put me by the window! I just
had my hair done!"

While visiting relatives in Oregon I commented to my cousin how
much later sunset was compared to my home in California. She said she
was surprised, since we both lived the same distance from the ocean. I
asked her what the distance from the ocean had to do with it. She said
it was because that's where the sun sets.

A newly hired manager confessed that he was considering getting a
second job in order to pay off his wife's huge cell phone bill. When
asked why she went so far over her monthly time allocation, his response
was that when she bought her cell phone, they told her that weekends and
evening time was free. Since she works an odd schedule -- Sunday through
Thursday -- she assumed that Fridays counted as her 'weekend day.' So
she used the phone the entire time as she drove to and from Las Vegas.
(4 hours, each direction, at 45 cents per minute.)
*************************
Gulf
You know you live on the Gulf Coast when. . .

*You have FEMA's number on your speed dialer.
*You have more than 300 C and D batteries in your kitchen drawer.
*Your pantry contains more than 20 cans of Spaghetti Os.
*You are thinking of repainting your house to match the plywood covering
your windows.
*When describing your house to a prospective buyer, you say it has three
bedrooms, two baths and one safe hallway.
*Your SSN isn't a secret, it's written in Sharpie on your arms.
*You are on a first-name basis with the cashier at Home Depot.
*You are delighted to pay $3 for a gallon of regular unleaded.
*The road leading to your house has been declared a No-Wake Zone.
*You decide that your patio furniture looks better on the bottom of the
pool.
*You own more than three large coolers.
*You wish that other people would get hit by a hurricane and not feel
the least bit guilty about it.
*You rationalize helping a friend board up by thinking "It'll only take
gallon of gas to get there and back"
*You have 2-liter coke bottles and milk jugs filled with water in your
freezer
*Three months ago you couldn't hang a shower curtain; today you can
assemble a portable generator by candlelight.
*You catch a 13-pound redfish. In your driveway.
*You can recite from memory whole portions of your homeowner's insurance
policy.
*You consider a "vacation" to stunning Tupelo, Mississippi.
*At cocktail parties, women are attracted to the guy with the biggest
chainsaw.
*You have had tuna fish more than 5 days in a row.
*There is a roll of tar paper in your garage.
*You can rattle off the names of three or more meteorologists who work
at the Weather Channel.
*Someone comes to your door to tell you they found your roof.
*Ice is a valid topic of conversation.
*Your "drive-thru" meal consists of MRE's and bottled water.
*Relocating to South Dakota does not seem like such a crazy idea.
*You spend more time on your roof then in your living room.
*You've been laughed at over the phone by a roofer, fence builder or a
tree worker.
*A battery powered TV is considered a home entertainment center.
*You don't worry about relatives wanting to visit during the summer.
*Your child's first words, "hunker down" and you didn't go to UGA!
*Having a tree in your living room does not necessarily mean it's
Christmas.
*Toilet Paper is elevated to coin of the realm at the shelters.
*You know the difference between the "good side" of a storm and the "bad
side."
*Your kids start school in August and finish in July.
*You go to work early and stay late just to enjoy the air conditioning.




+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Driving

Finally - a man's reasoning I can understand ! lol

My mother-in-law is not known for her driving skills. So it came as no
surprise when she was in another accident a couple of months back.
She came out of a side street and ran slam-bang into the town
doctor's
car.

"Oh Doc!" she exclaimed, "I'm so awfully sorry!"

"That's perfectly all right," he said, "It was all my fault."

"I don't know how you can say that. I'm sure it was entirely my
fault."

"No, no, ma'am it was my fault. I'll take the entire blame."

"But why is it your fault? I ran into you, didn't I?"

"Yes, you did. But I saw you driving downtown half an hour ago, and I
had
plenty of time to take my car home and put it in the garage, but like
a damn
fool, I didn't do it!"
*************************
After four years of separation, my wife and
I finally divorced amicably. I wanted to date
again, but I had no idea of how to start, so
I decided to look in the personals column
of the local newspaper. After reading through
all the listings, I circled three that seemed
possible in terms of age and interest, but I
put off calling them.

Two days later, there was a message on
my answering machine from my ex-wife.

"I came over to your house to borrow some
tools today and saw the ads you circled in
the paper. Don't call the one in the second
column. It's me."
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
When Nathan Radlich's house was burgled, thieves left his TV, his VCR, and
even his watch. What they did take was a "generic white cardboard box
filled with grayish-white powder." (That at least is the way the police
described it.) A spokesman for the Fort Lauderdale police said, "that it
looked similar to cocaine, and they'd probably thought they'd hit the big
time."
Then Nathan stood in front of the TV cameras and pleaded with the burglars,
"Please return the cremated remains of my sister, Gertrude. She died three
years ago."

Well, the next morning the bullet-riddled corpse of a drug dealer known as
Hoochie Pevens was found on Nathan's doorstep. The cardboard box was there,
too - with about half of Gertrude's ashes remaining and there was this note
which read:

"Hoochie sold us the bogus blow, so we wasted Hoochie. Sorry we snorted
your sister. No hard feelings. Have a nice day."






+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+

Robinson Crusoe style, the shipwrecked golfer made the best of
his tiny island. When a cruise liner spotted his distress signals and
sent a boat to investigate, the landing party was amazed to find a crude
but recognizable nine-hole course which the castaway had played with
driftwood woods, whalebone and coral putter and balls carved out of
pumice stone.
"Quite a layout," said the officer to in charge of the rescuers.
"Too kind, it's very rough and ready," the goatskin-clad golfer
responded. Then he smiled slyly: "I am however, quite proud of the water
hazard."
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Politically correct terms for cat owners

- My cat does not barf hairballs, he is a floor/rug redecorator.
- My cat does not break things, she helps gravity do its job.
- My cat does not fear dogs, they are merely sprint practice tools.
- My cat does not gobble, she eats with alacrity.
- My cat does not scratch, he is a furniture/rug/skin ventilator.
- My cat does not yowl, he is singing off-key.
- My cat is not a "shedding machine", she is a hair relocation stylist.
- My cat is not a "treat-seeking missile", she enjoys the proximity of
food.
- My cat is not a bed hog, he is a mattress appreciator.
- My cat is not a chatterbox, she is advising me on what to do next.
- My cat is not a dope addict, she is catnip appreciative.
- My cat is not a lap fungus, he is bed selective.
- My cat is not a pest, she is attention deprived.
- My cat is not a ruthless hunter, she is a wildlife control expert.
- My cat is not evil, she is badness enhanced.
- My cat is not fat, he is mass enhanced.
- My cat is not hydrophobic, she has an inability to appreciate
moisture.
- My cat is not lazy, he is motivationally challenged.
- My cat is not underfoot, she is shepherding me to my next destination
(which should always be the food dish).
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
At his request, each morning three-year-old Ray's
mother pinned a bath towel to the back shoulders
of his size two T-shirt.

Immediately in his young imaginative mind the towel
became a brilliant magic blue and red cape.

And he became Superman.

Outfitted each day in his "cape," Ray's days were
packed with adventure and daring escapades.
He was Superman.

This fact was clearly pointed out last fall when his
mother enrolled him in kindergarten class. During the
course of the interview, the teacher asked Ray his name.

"Superman," he answered politely and without pause.

The teacher smiled, cast an appreciative glance at his
mother, and asked again, "Your real name, please."

Again, Ray answered, "Superman."

Realizing the situation demanded more authority, or
maybe to hide amusement, the teacher closed her
eyes for a moment, then in a voice quite stern, said,
"I will have to have your real name for the records."

Sensing he'd have to play straight with the teacher,
Ray slid his eyes around the room, hunched closer to her,
and patting a corner of frayed towel at his shoulder,
answered in a voice hushed with conspiracy,
"Clark Kent."

Friday Follies

START YOUR DAY THE AMERICAN WAY
I pledge alligiance to the flag of the United States of America
and to the republic for which it stands
-------------One Nation Under God---------------
Indivisible with liberty and justice for all





~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
The pilot was sitting in his seat and pulled out a .38 revolver.
He placed it on top of the instrument panel, and then asked the
navigator, "Do you know what I use this for?"
The navigator replied timidly, "No, what's it for?"
The pilot responded, "I use this on navigators who get
me lost!"
The navigator proceeded to pull out a .45 and place it on his
chart table. The pilot asked, "What's that for?"
"To be honest sir," the navigator replied, "I'll know we're lost
before you will."
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to
hold short of the runway while a MD80 landed The MD80 landed, rolled
out, turned around and taxied back past the Cherokee.
Some quick-witted comedian in the MD80 crew got on the radio and
said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
Our hero the Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by,
came back with: "I made it out of MD80 parts. Another landing like that
and I'll have enough parts for another one."
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
The Michaels family owned a small farm in Canada, just yards away from
the North Dakota border. Their land had been the subject of a minor
dispute between the United States and Canada for generations. Mrs.
Michaels, who had just celebrated her ninetieth birthday, lived on the
farm with her son and three grandchildren.

One day, her son came into her room holding a letter. "I just got some
news, Mom," he said. "The government has come to an agreement with the
people in Washington. They've decided that our land is really part of
the United States. We have the right to approve or disapprove of the
agreement. What do you think?"

"What do I think?" his mother said. "Jump at it! Call them right now and
tell them we accept! I don't think I could stand another one of them
Canadian winters!"
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one
day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.
As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the
beast out and headed home. Driving back up his driveway, there was the
cat! The man kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would
always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn
right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right
until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and
left the cat there.

Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"

"Yes," the wife answers, "why do you ask?"

Frustrated, the man answered, "Put him on the phone, I'm lost and need
directions."
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Bill Clinton started jogging near his new home in Chappaqua. But on each
run, he happened to jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner,
day after day. With some apprehension he would brace himself as he
approached her for what was most certainly to follow.

"Fifty dollars!" she would shout from the curb.

"No. Five dollars!" fired back Clinton.

This ritual between Bill and the hooker continued for days.

He'd run by and she'd yell, "Fifty dollars!"

And he'd yell back, "Five dollars!"

One day however, Hillary decided that she wanted to accompany her husband on
his jog. As the jogging couple neared the problematic street corner, Bill
realized the "pro" would bark her $50 offer and Hillary would wonder what
he'd really been doing on all his past outings. He realized he should have a
darn good explanation for the junior Senator.

As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, Bill
became even more apprehensive than usual.

Sure enough, there was the hooker. Bill tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes
as she watched the pair jog past.

Then, from the sidewalk, the hooker yelled, "See what you get for five
bucks?"
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+



Little Johnny's teacher has had it with his behavior, so she goes to the
principal and pleads for something to be done. The principle asks for
Little Johnny to be sent to his office. When Little Johnny arrives the
principle tries to play with his mind so he asks him something that
Little Johnny will think is rude.

"Tell me Johnny, do you know how to put a hole into another hole?" asks
the principle.

"No sir I don't" replies Little Johnny.

"I'm giving you to the end of the month to come back with the answer to
this question," says the principle.

The whole month passes and Little Johnny is quiet as a mouse, thinking
about the question, which he thinks must have a rude answer, day and
night. After a month Little Johnny starts with his bad behavior again
and the teacher pleads to the principle again, so Little Johnny is
called in.

"Tell me Johnny, did you figure out how to put a hole into another
hole?" asked the principle.

"No sir I didn't, but do you know how to put 8 holes in to another
hole?" asked Little Johnny.

"No" was the answer from the now dizzy principle.

"Well" said Little Johnny with a smile, "Come home with me after school
today and I'll show you. You see my dad has this flute with 8 holes in
it and if I shove it up your fucking ass, you'll see how it's done."
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
A skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this
HUGE African American guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the
little guy staring at him, looks down and
says: "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3
pound right testicle, Turner Brown."

The small guy faints dead away and falls to the floor. The big dude
kneels down and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him. When
the little guy finally comes around, the big guy asks him, "What's wrong
with you?" In a very weak voice the little guy says, "Excuse me, but
what EXACTLY did you say to me?" The big dude said, "I saw the curious
look on your face and figured I'd just give you the answers to the
questions everyone always asks me. I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds,
I have a 20 inch penis, my left testicle weighs 3 pounds, my right
testicle weighs 3 pounds and my name is Turner Brown." The small guy
says, "Thank God! I thought you said 'Turn around.
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
Broadcast Bloopers

MICHAEL Buerk watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle a male astronomer for
warmth during BBC1's eclipse coverage remarked: "They seem cold out
there, they're rubbing each other and he's come in his shorts."

HERE is Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny

Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks Nick likes to
use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."

ULRIKA Jonsson was a humble GMTV weathergirl talking about snowfall when
she revealed: "I had a good eight inches last night."

LORRAINE Kelly on GMTV: "This year's hairstyle is called a shag and our
resident stylist is here to give our model one."

MIKE Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: "Stephen
Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."

RICHARD Whiteley asking Carol Vorderman to display a word on Countdown:
"Ah, 'erection', let's see it up please Carol."

DAVID Dickinson, talking about an antique door-knocker on Bargain Hunt,
said to expert Nigel Smith: "You're a bit of a knockers man." "Yes,"
he replied. "I've come across quite a few in my time."

HERE is Chris Tarrant discussing the first Millionaire winner Judith
Keppel on This Morning: "She was practising fastest finger first by
herself in bed last night."

ROSS King discussing relays with champion runner Phil Redmond: "Well
Phil, tell us about your amazing third leg."

BEATRICE Hillyer was discussing the availability of fresh water in
Baghdad when she informed TVam viewers: "Just after the liberation, I
was getting it twice a day in my hotel room."

CRICKETER Neil Fairbrother hit a single during a Durham v Lancashire
match, inspiring Bobby Simpson to observe: "With his lovely soft hands
he just tossed it off."

JAMES Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand Prix, asked: "What
does it feel like being rammed up the backside by Barrichello?"

STEVE Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros felt much better today

after a 69."

STEVE Cram covering the men's 200 metres at the World Athletics
Championships: "Pumping away, Marlon Devonish has got the Olympic
champion inside him."

CHAIN Letters host Allan Stewart was discussing a 6ft 5in contestant
called Richard when he told two women competitors: "That's enough Dick
for both of you."

EXPERT David Batty was examining a bowl with a pineapple-shaped lid on
Antiques Roadshow when he exclaimed: "This is the most magical,
wonderful knob I have ever seen."

BEST TILL LAST
CARENZA Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on Time Team Live
said: "You'd eat beaver if you could get it."




Animals

What Do They Think of Us?

Dog: "Oh, God, not again. Let's turn the hose on them."

Dog: "Great, there goes the urge to drink out of the toilet."

Cat: "Y'know, if I didn't have a tail, I'd try that."

Dog: "I've heard about that position -- it's called 'human style.'"

Sheep: "It's just a phase. He'll be back."

Dog: "How strange -- why would you want
someone else to lick it for you?"

Rabbits: "Amateurs!"

Dog: "Geez, they have to look at each other's *faces*
while they're doing that??"

Dog: "Let's hop on and make it a conga line!"
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
George went to his friend's house and asked to be put up for the night
because he had a fight with his wife.

"What happened?" the friend asked.

"When I got home tonight I was really beat, tired as a dog. So when she
asked me for fifty bucks for a new dress, I guess I must have been half
asleep or something, because I said, 'All right, but let's finish the
dictation first.'"

+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+

The tensions of life were threatening to get a strangle hold on Bob, and
after he'd finished a good dinner, he relaxed mindlessly in a soft chair
next to the stereo, with a stiff drink in his hand. His wife knew
nothing of his nervous state, and she climbed onto his lap with the
thought of trying to wheedle a fur coat out of him, and snuggled and
murmured and fondled.

"Good heavens, Ethel," he exploded, "get off of me! I get enough of this
at the office."
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Three gay guys find a brass lamp.
They rub it and a genie comes out.
The genie says, "Okay you guys get one wish apiece."

The first guy says, "I want to be really butch."

The genie says, "Okay," and turns him into a cowboy.

The second guy says, "Well, I want to be so butch
that it makes him look femme."

"Okay," says the genie, and turns him into a leatherman.

The third guy says, "Well, I want to be the biggest
butch on the block. I want to be so butch that these guys
will look like drag queens."

The genie says, "Okay," and turns him into a lesbian.




~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it.
One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table three objects:
a Bible a silver dollar, and a bottle of whiskey.
"I'll just hide behind the door," the old preacher said to himself, "and when he comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which object he picks up. If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a businessman, and that would be okay, too. But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no- good drunkard, and, Lord, what a shame that would be."
The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room. He tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.
Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink.
"Lord, have mercy," the old man whispered, "he's gonna be a Congressman!"

~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
A man suspected his wife of seeing another man. So, he hired a famous Chinese detective, Ram Pam Sim Wimm, to watch and report any activities that might develop. A few days later, he received this report:
Most honorable sir:
You leave house.
I watch.
He and she leave house.
I follow.
He and she get on train.
I follow.
He and she go in hotel.
I climb tree-look in window.
He kiss she.
She kiss he.
He strip she.
She strip he.
He play with she.
She play with he.
I play with me.
Fall out of tree, not see.
No Fee.
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
A big city corporate lawyer runs a stop sign in a small town in Tennessee, and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than this hicktown deputy because he is a lawyer and is certain that he has a better education. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the deputy's expense. Deputy says, "License and registration, please."
Lawyer says, "What for?"
Deputy says, "Y'all didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."
Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Deputy says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration, please."
Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
Deputy says, "The difference is, y'all have to come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!"
Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."
Deputy says, "sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."
At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the ever-loving crap out of the lawyer and says, "Do y'all want me to stop or just slow down?"


+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+

Early Edition. Its Early somewhere

Saturday morning: Barry and his wife have been sleeping soundly all
night. A small alarm by his side of the bed sounds a wake-up trill
and he shuts it off immediately.

He then pushes the sheet back carefully so as not to disturb his
wife. Then, he showers, shaves, and combs and brushes his hair.

As he's tiptoeing to the closet to select his golf clothes, his wife
stirs and wakens.

"And, just what do you think you're doing?" she asks.

"Um," he answers, "just getting dressed to meet the guys at the club
for a big round of golf this morning, hon."

"No way! You know we have far too many things to do around the house
today," she barked back at him.

"I know, I know," he replies. "We're going to tee off at 8, play 18
holes, probably have one or two drinks together in the bar, then I'll
jump in the car and head straight home around 12:45. Even if I'm
delayed for some odd reason, I swear that I'll be back here no later
than 1 o'clock."

His wife shrugs her best shrug and says, "O.K., but you'd better be
back at or before 1! Do NOT! DO NOT play 36 holes, as you often do!"

SOOO, Barry is relieved. He grabs his cap and clubs and heads out
the door.

Just as planned, he and three buddies meet at the club, attach their
bags to the carts and then drive off toward the first tee. To
everyone's credit, all four guys played very, very well the whole round.

During a couple of drinks each in the club's bar, they rehashed the
round, hole by hole.

Remembering his promise to his wife, Barry looked at the clock
behind the bar , "12:45" it read. So up he jumps, and with spirited
words of goodbye to his friends, he rushes to his car, throws his
clubs into the back seat, and zooms off - homeward bound.

"I can get there in 3 minutes," he said to himself.

By the side of the curb about 8 blocks from the club, he sees a
beautiful red-haired woman standing at the rear of her car, and he
immediately notices that her left-rear tire is quite flat. "I can
change that tire for her in a jiffy," he thinks, "and make it home
perhaps five minutes later than promised."

So, always the gentleman his mother had taught him to be, he stopped
behind her car, got out, introduced himself, then pulled his own tire
tools out of his trunk. He then put on the spare and tightened the
last lug nut, finishing the job at precisely 1 p.m.

"I can still make it home by 1:05," he thought.

However! Slow down there, big fella! This story isn't nearly over.

The redhead walks toward him to thank him over and over for his
help. "I live just around the corner here," she then half whispers to
him. "I want to thank you by buying you a drink at my house. Please
follow me! Please!"

Barry mulled her proposition for a whole second, then agreed.

After parking in her driveway, she leads him inside to her den,
where she sits in the middle of the couch and pats the cushion next
to her.

He sits, pushover that he is. She then mixes two drinks for them;
hers goes to the coffee table, his into his hand.

They each take a single sip,

She then tells him to relax while she does a few things to make them
more comfortable - she closes the blinds and drapes, turns on the CD
player, and then drifts out of sight with "I'm going to find more
comfortable clothes" dripping from her lips.

She wasn't gone three minutes when she returned in all of her glory.
That's ALL of her glory! And, she was a TRUE redhead!

To finally end this tale, let it be understood that they made mad,
passionate love for three solid hours.

THEN came "OH, MY GOD!" says Barry. It's 4 o'clock! I promised my
wife that I'd be home by 1 to do yard work. I'm leaving, beautiful
lady, leaving now!"

So, up he jumps, to the door and to his car he runs, climbs in and
races home, there to see his wife standing in the driveway to greet him!

"WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN!" she bellowed. "It's 5 minutes after 4! You
promised to be home by 1! I want ANSWERS!"

"Ok, dear," he said. "Here's what happened, so help me God. I met
the guys at the course; we played 18 holes; then we had a couple of
drinks in the bar. I said goodbye to them at 12:45 and jumped in the
car. A few blocks from the club, I saw a woman with a flat tire, so I
stopped to change it for her. She was so greatful, she invited me to
her house, which was just around the corner, so that she could fix a
drink for me. I followed her there. We sat on the couch with our
drinks, then she stood and walked around to close the drapes and turn
on the CD player. That done, she said she wanted to put on more
comfortable clothes. When she returned, she was hardly wearing
anything. What could I do? So we made love on her couch for nearly
three hours!! I finally came to my senses, put my clothes back on and
almost flew home to apologize for being three hours late. I'm sorry,
honey! I'M REALLY SORRY!"

His wife said back to him when he'd finished his speech: "You lying
son of a bitch! YOU PLAYED 36 HOLES!"

There IS a God!
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
A group of nuns were travelling in a car when it had a flat tire. They
got out and attempted to change it, but being rather unworldly, they had
no idea how to go about it. Fortunately, a truck came along and the
driver offered to change it for them. They gratefully accepted.

As the trucker jacked up the car, it slipped from the jack.
"Son-of-a-bitch!" he screamed.

"Sir, that is inappropriate language," the eldest nun said. "We
understand you're upset, but must you use such language?"

"My apologies, Sister," he replied, and tried again. It slipped again
and nearly smashed his fingers. "Son-of-a-bitch!" he screamed.

"Please, sir, we would ask you again to not use such language," the nun
scolded. "If changing our tire is causing you to do so, perhaps it would
be best if you didn't help us."

"I'm sorry, Sister, but I get so upset that it just comes out," the
trucker replied.

"Well," said the nun, "say something else when you get upset. Say
something like 'Dear Lord, help me'."

Once more, the trucker attempted to jack up the car and again it
slipped. He began to blurt out "Son..." but quickly caught himself and
said, "Dear Lord, help me."

At that, the car miraculously rose into the air all by itself.

Staring in amazement, the nuns exclaimed, "Son-of-a-bitch!"
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+



Weird Fact :
David Rice Atchinson was President of the United States for exactly one day. This happened due to a glitch in American law at the time.
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
An Ipswich girl walks into the local dry cleaners.
She places a garment on the counter. "I'll be back tomorrow afternoon to
pick up my dress." she says.
"Come again?" says the worker, cupping his ear.
"No" she replies. "This time it's mayonnaise."

Another Ipswich girl was involved in a serious crash, there's blood
everywhere.
The paramedics arrive and drag the girl out of the car till she's lying
flat out on the road. Medic: "OK, I'm going to check if you're
concussed."
Sharon: "Ok."
Medic: "How many fingers am I putting up?"
Sharon: "Oh my god I'm paralysed from the waist down!"

An Ipswich girl goes to Centrelink to register for child benefit.
"How many children?" asks the assessor.
"Ten" replies the Ipswich girl,
"Ten?"says the Centrelink worker.
"What are their names?"
"Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan and
Nathan"
"Doesn't that get confusing?"
"Naah..." says the Ipswich girl.
"Its great because if they are out playing in the street I just have to
shout NATHAN, YER DINNER'S READY or NATHAN GO TO BED NOW and they all do
it..."
"What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the perturbed
Centrelink worker.
"That's easy," says the Ipswich girl... "I just use their surnames"

An Ipswich Girl enters a sex shop & asks for a vibrator.
The man says: "Choose one from our range on the wall." She says
"I'll take the red one."
The man replies: "That's a fire extinguisher."
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
Two farmhands went to a country dance. One of the hands, Joe,
had a wooden eye and was very self-conscious about it.
Joe told the other guy, Bill, that he was worried about someone
saying something about his wooden eye. Bill told him not to
worry because it was a good eye and most people couldn't tell
it from a real eye.

Bill danced nearly every dance as there was a lot of farm girls
there. Joe just didn't dance at all. Finally, Bill went over to
Joe and asked if he had danced with any of the girls.

Joe told him that he had not because he was concerned about
them saying something about his wooden eye. Bill told him
again not to be concerned about it. Bill pointed to a girl
sitting across the room and told Joe,

"See that good-looking girl over there? She's got a hair-
lip and hasn't danced but once or twice. I danced with her
once and she's an excellent dancer and real polite. Go over
there and ask her to dance. She won't say anything about
your wooden eye."

So Joe had a couple of more snorts of courage and went over
to the hair-lipped girl and asked,
"Do you want to dance?"

To which she replied in a high pitched hair-lipped voice,
"Would I, Would I!"

To which Joe replied,
"Hair-lip, Hair-lip!!"
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+




There was this young couple who had a terrific argument one morning
before leaving for work. The wife couldn't get her dress zipped up in
back, so she backed up to her husband and motioned for him to zip up her
zipper. "I'll show you zipping", he thought, and briskly whipped it up
and down the slide till it broke. He had to cut her out of her favorite
dress, which didn't make her happier with him. They went their separate
ways to work, both boiling mad at each other.

The wife did a slow burn all day. When she got home that evening, she
walked through the garage and saw her husband under the car fixing
something, with only his legs sticking out. She decided her moment of
REVENGE had come. She leaned over, grabbed his pants zipper, and whipped
it up and down. Quite contented, she walked into the kitchen, where she
found her husband standing by the sink. Sheepishly, she asked him, "Who
is in the garage, under the car?" She was told it was a neighbor who had
come over to help work on the car.

The acutely embarrassed wife asked her husband to help explain the
situation to the neighbor, and they both returned to the garage. They
asked him to come out from under the car, but he didn't respond.

When they finally dragged him out, he was unconscious and bleeding, from
slamming his head into the underside of the car each time he got zipped
by surprise!!
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a
branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into
the river. When he cried out, the Lord appeared
and asked, "Why are you crying?" The woodcutter
replied that his axe has fallen into water. The Lord
went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe.

"Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.
The woodcutter replied, "No."

The Lord again went down and came up with a
silver axe. "Is this your axe?" The Lord asked.
Again, the woodcutter replied, "No."

The Lord went down again and came up with
an iron axe. "Is this your axe?" The Lord asked.
The woodcutter replied, "Yes."

The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty
and gave him three axes to keep, and the
woodcutter went home happily.

One day while he was walking with his wife along
the riverbank, the woodcutter's wife fell into the river.
When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked
him, "Why are you crying?"

"Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water."

The Lord went down into the water and came up
with Jennifer Lopez. "Is this your wife?" the Lord
asked.
"Yes," replied the woodcutter.

The Lord was furious. "You cheat! That is an untruth,"
the Lord scolded. The woodcutter replied, "Oh, forgive
me my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I said
'no' to Jennifer Lopez, You will come up with Catherine
Zeta Jones. Then if I also say 'no' to her, You will thirdly come up
with my wife, and I will say 'yes,' and then all three will be given to
me. But Lord, I am a poor man and I will not be able to take care of all
three wives, so that's why I said 'yes' this time."
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
After school one day Todd, an eager second-grader, came up to his mother
and asked, "Mom, what's a pussy?" Somewhat startled by the question, but
directing her answer away from the adult definition, the mother replied,
"Son, sometimes people say the word pussy, for short, when they really
mean pussycat. You know like Boots, the cat that lives next door. Boots
could be called a pussy or better yet, pussycat." That didn't compute
with what Tod heard on the playground that day, but he continued, "Mom,
what about a bitch? What is a bitch?" She pursued her puritanical theme
by answering, "Todd, an adult female dog is commonly referred to as a
bitch. But Son, where did you hear such words?" "From the fourth-graders
on the playground, Mom," he replied. "I think you should play with your
second-grade friends and stay away from those fourth-graders," the
mother stated. Later, Todd found his dad working in the garage. He went
up to his dad and asked, "Dad, what's a pussy?" The dad contemplated how
he should answer this delicate question. Then resolving that an honest
question deserves and honest answer, he reached up on the top shelf of
his tool bench and took down a copy of the Playboy magazine. He pulled
out the centerfold and laid it on the workbench. With a felt-tip pen the
dad drew a very tight circle around the vulva of the nude
playmate-of-the- month. Pointing to the centerfold and looking his son
square in the eye, the dad said, "Todd, Son, everything inside that
little circle is called a pussy!" "WOW," said Todd as his eyes bugged at
the small circle. Now that made more sense about what he heard on the
playground that day. "Dad, what's a bitch" Todd asked? "Well, Son, a
bitch is everything outside that circle."
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
A crusty Scot went into a whorehouse and announced he could spend no
more than ten 'poonds'.

The madam told him that the cheapest rate was twenty pounds. After a
monumental argument, the madam coaxed the money out of the tight-fisted
Scotsman and sent him upstairs with a hoary old 'girl'.

She undressed, ripped the Scotsman's kilt off, threw her legs apart and
pulled him down on her. However, to her utter disgust the silly old
bugger started to fuck her navel. "That's not the right place," the old
bitch barked at him. "My fuckhole is farther down, you idiot!"

"Listen you hoary bitch," shouted the Scot, 'for twenty poonds I want a
hole of my own!"
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Weird Fact :
When Scott Paper Co. first started manufacturing toilet paper they did not put their name on the product because of embarrassment
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#





~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#

God and Moses were out golfing. They were both doing well. Then they
came up to the 5th hole.

It was a dogleg to the left, with a lake to the right. Moses got up and
hit a long shot with a little hook. Right in the middle of the fairway.
Then God got up and pulled out his driver.

Then Moses said,"God, everytime you use you driver you always slice it."

So God said, "If Arnold Palmer can do it, I can do it." So he approched
the ball. Got ready, then hit a long one. It drifted to the right,
SPLISH! Right in the middle of the lake.

So Moses said, "See God, I told you that would happen. I'll get it this
time but you'll have to get it next time." So Moses went out to the
lake, held up his club, and parted the lake. Then he went down, picked
up the ball, and came back. After that, everything was going fine.

Until the 18th hole, straight away, with a long lake on the right. Moses
hit a nice straight shot down the fairway. Then God took out his driver.

Moses said, "God, last time you used your driver you sliced it. You
always slice it."

And God repeated, "If Arnold Palmer can do it, I can do it." So he got
up, and hit the ball. Long hard shot, sliced, PLUNK!

Moses said, "I got the last one." So God walked on the water, bent over,
picked up the ball. About this time there was a foursome coming up
behind them. One if the guys saw what God was doing and asked Moses,
"Who does that guy think he is, Jesus?"

Moses replied, "No. He thinks he's Arnold Palmer."
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
A little prospector wearing clean new shoes walked
into a saloon. A big Texan standing at the bar said
to his friend, "Watch me make this dude dance."

He walked over to the prospector and said,
"You're a foreigner, aren't you? From the East?"

"You might say that," said the prospector, "I'm
from Boston and I'm here prospecting for gold."

"Now tell me something," said the Texan,

"Can you dance?"

"Well I'm going to teach you," said the Texan. And
with that the Texan took out his gun and started
shooting at the prospectors feet.

Hopping, skipping, and jumping the little prospector
made it to the door shaking like a leaf.

About an hour later the Texan left the saloon.
As soon as he stepped outside the door he heard
a click. He looked around and there, four feet from
his head was the biggest shotgun he had ever seen.

The little prospector said, "Mr. Texan, have you
ever kissed a mule?"

"No," said the quick thinking Texan,
"but I've always wanted to."
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+

Visit Beth

I tried to link to this earlier but blogger

ate my post, for whatever reason.

So I am a tryin' it again.

Michael Moore attempts Coup

Its a must read.

Words fail me here.

Orgre's News Game

Over at Ogre's Politics and Views

theres this http://ogresview.mu.nu/#190137

Its a little Game sounds like fun.

So I thought I would play. Its really easy and

I slipped our ot the blog-o-sphere and

into the deep dark recess of my dry humor.

Take the gnome and paste him onto the doctored pictures.

I had to add a little something extra to one of them. hehehehehe.

Mad Dog Mean

Sorry had to steal that from Phil.

MyRepublicanBlog Thanks Gayle for the heads up on this issue from Jihad Watch & Times On Line does. Go to this link if you want the entire story.

Iran's plot to mine
uranium in Africa

The Sunday Times
August 06, 2006
Jon Swain, David Leppard and Brian Johnson-Thomas
IRAN is seeking to import large consignments of bomb-making uranium from the African mining area that produced the Hiroshima bomb, an investigation has revealed.
A United Nations report, dated July 18, said there was “no doubt” that a huge shipment of smuggled uranium 238, uncovered by customs officials in Tanzania, was transported from the Lubumbashi mines in the Congo.

Tanzanian customs officials told The Sunday Times it was destined for the Iranian port of Bandar Abbas, and was stopped on October 22 last year during a routine check.

The disclosure will heighten western fears about the extent of Iran’s presumed nuclear weapons programme and the strategic implications of Iran ’s continuing support for Hezbollah during the war with Israel.

It has also emerged that terror cells backed by Iran may be prepared to mount attacks against nuclear power plants in Britain. Intelligence circulating in Whitehall suggests that sleeper cells linked to Tehran have been conducting reconnaissance at some nuclear sites in preparation for a possible attack.



My thoughts on this one are many as I read the rest of that story.
First
Does anyone remember Yellow Cake?
Huh?
Do ya?
Hark!! Stomp that cricket so I can hear the answer.

Another quote that popped into my mine was from True Grit.
When the bad guy told Rooster he was gonna kill him.
Rooster yells "fill your hands you son of a bitch."
Puts the reigns in his mouth and was armed in each hand. Then he charged head forward shooting.

We are about to see this what sceniaro playes out. If you think that these sleeper cell are only in the other part of the world well God bless ya. Oh and I have utopia for sale $2.00 a lot. This is very critical, for everyone to understand. There won't being any turning back. Once that mad man has his bombs build he won't stop at Israel.


Girls and boys the fact is we are coming to a cross roads. As Phil said on a comment a day or two ago. "Mad dog mean". If we want to live to see the sunset and ride off to our future we got to support our President and Troops.
This division I see in the conseratives will not allow us to reach that goal. The fact that everyone wants to piss and moan cuz G.W. Bush is in office makes me wanta bitch slap them and scream don't you recall who ran against President Bush.
Does anyone recall Al Gore? The crazed tree hugger? He still can't get over the fact if he had of won his home state he would have been president.
Or how about John F*ckin Kerry? That idiot still don't know which side of Nam he was on. Someone has to tell him prior to him speaking.

Look at where we are. As I see we are standing on the back side of Israel between the lefties's and the terrorist. That folks would be considered a rock and a hard place.

Short Stories

------

Attack of the killer otters. Don't be fooled by the cute, little,
curious faces, folks, these vicious little monsters are on the
prowl and they are hungry for dog meat.

That's right. I just read a story about a woman in West Boca,
Florida who was out walking her labrador retriever and her fox
terrier along a canal. The lab trotted down to the water's edge
to sniff something when a large otter burst from the water and
clamped onto the dog's nose, attempting to pull it under.

"Before I knew it she ran up the embankment and grabbed Jasmine
the lab by the snout and pulled her down into the canal," dog-owner
Leah Vanon said.

Wildlife experts say otters are very curious but would only
attack if they felt threatened. They also say a mother with pups
is extremely protective.

Pups or no, Ms. Vanon wasn't going to let her precious become the
victim of an otter attack.

"The otter immediately starts going after him and starts flipping
him and dunking him and to drown him like they do to a fish. I
started punching the otter in the face which I felt really bad
about because it's cute and I didn't want to hurt it but it was
killing my dog," Vanon said.

The otter wisely backed off. The dogs had some cuts on their snouts
but they'll recover. The otter was not apprehended.

------

Go Directly To Jail; Do Not Ask Why

A man spent two months in jail wondering why he was there and
trying desperately to get somebody to set him free. The man,
known as Odd, was jailed at the request of a Philadelphia assistant
district attorney to ensure his testimony as a witness in a murder
case. But even after the case ended, Odd still sat in prison with
nobody coming to release him. Odd finally obtained his freedom
after he sent a written plea to a public defender, and is now
suing the district attorney who jailed him, Tom Malone. "He was
the only one in the entire system who knew why he was in jail,"
Odd's attorney Daniel Silverman said of Malone. "I can finally
use the _expression 'Kafka-esque.'

------

Luck Be Two Winning Lottery Tickets

BEAUFORT, S.C. - A Beaufort, S.C., man who used to live on a
street called Lottery Lane has won a second major prize from
scratch-off lottery tickets in 20 days. Harold Gray, a self-
employed contractor, buys one scratch ticket every day, and last
month won $250,000. Tuesday, his wife's 39th birthday, he bought a
ticket worth $100,000, the Beaufort Gazette reported. "I had to go
home and take a little medication to calm me down," Gray said. "I
feel like I have a horseshoe stuck up my behind." He and his wife
had already booked a cruise to the Bahamas later this month after
their first win, but neither said they would quit their jobs. Gray
said he would pay off his bills, buy a house and invest the rest
for retirement.




Woman dies after alleged home liposuction -

FRAMINGHAM, Mass. - A Brazilian man was charged with practicing
medicine without a license after a woman died during liposuction
performed in a private home in Massachusetts. Luis Carlos
Ribeiro and his wife also face drug charges, the Boston Herald
reported. The victim, Fabiola de Paula, died at MetroWest
Medical Center in Framingham after Ribeiro brought her to the
hospital unconscious. Middlesex County Prosecutor Lee Hettinger
told the newspaper that Ribeiro could face more charges after an
autopsy. Ribeiro was being held on $250,000 bail while a judge
set $50,000 bail on his wife. Another patient was hospitalized
when she developed a serious infection following liposuction,
the newspaper said. The Herald said Ribeiro told police that he
is a licensed plastic surgeon in Brazil and that he and his wife
had come to the United States on short work visas.

------
Seals take over San Diego beach

SAN DIEGO - Harbor seals and humans are disputing possession
of a San Diego beach. The seals have their human proxies, the
Save-Our-Seals Coalition, which wants to have the Children's
Pool designated for seals only, the New York Times reports. The
area gets its name from a breakwater built with money donated in
1931 by Ellen Browning Scripps, an heir to the Scripps newspaper
fortune. She wanted the area to be a good place for children to swim
in calm water. But in the mid-1990s, seals started hauling out on
the beach in large numbers. They give birth, raise their young,
eat, squabble and defecate. While the seals have become a popular
tourist attraction, locals who want to swim and sunbathe are less
thrilled. The anti-seal faction argues there are plenty of places
along the coast for seals and few good beaches close to San Diego
for people. The Save-Our-Seals group argues the animals, almost
exterminated by hunting, have simply returned to a longtime haunt.

------
Woman out-sleuths police in TP prank

NORCO, Calif. - Six California teens face felony charges of
maliciously toilet-papering the home of a woman who out-sleuthed
police in tracking them down over six months. In February, Katja
Base, her husband and children awoke to find their front yard and
vehicles covered in streams of toilet paper in Norco, Calif.,
east of Long Beach. At first amused, they discovered the paper
hid smeared dog food and flour, which had damaged the paint on
two vehicles. Base told the Riverside Press-Enterprise it took 13
people three hours to clean up the mess, and that's when she decided
to launch her own investigation. She began by canvassing area stores
asking them to look through records for unusually large purchases
of toilet paper. She had luck at one store, where two days before
the vandalism, someone bought 144 rolls of toilet paper, cheese,
dog food, and flour. Using the store's security videos and a high
school yearbook, she came up with names and went to police last
week. The Riverside County district attorney's office will now
decide whether to formally charge the teens and one adult with
felony vandalism, the report said.

------



Poetic justice? Or the fish story of all time? Maybe both.
58-year-old Alan Card and his son, 32-year-old Ian Card, were
on a deep sea fishing expedition in the Atlantic, 15 miles off
of Bermuda.

Things were just getting exciting when one member of the group
hooked what felt like a huge game fish. Ian recalled being delighted
with the success.

Standing on the back of the boat to watch the action, his delight
was short-lived when the fish changed direction and leaped out of
the water.

It turned out to be a 14-foot, 800 pound blue marlin. This
particular species is notable for the razor-sharp spike sticking
out of its nose. On a specimen this size the spike was about three
feet...half of which impaled the younger Card right in the chest,
carrying him overboard.

Struggling for his life, Card miraculously was able to pull himself
off of the violently thrashing fish and make it to the surface of
the water. The senior Card told how his son surfaced with blood
pumping from his wound. 'He put his hand up to his chest and his
fingers disappeared,' he said. 'He had a wound about as big as
your fist.'

Truly, a million in one accident. His would staunched with towels,
Mr. Card was rushed to the hospital, where surgeons carried out
an emergency operation and yesterday he was in a stable condition.

And yes, the fish got away.

------

Friends Don't Let Their Passengers Drive Drunk

CARLISLE, Pa. - A lawyer for a Pennsylvania man who was charged
with DUI while he was the front seat passenger says he expects the
case to be thrown out. Last Dec. 26, a state trooper in Carlisle,
in southern Pennsylvania, spotted a car swerving, and pulled the
car over. The driver was holding a sandwich with two hands, and
Derek Pittman was sitting in the passenger seat. Pittman told
the trooper he had been steering while his friend was eating
his sandwich, and admitted he had been drinking, the Harrisburg
Patriot-News reported. He blew 0.225 percent blood alcohol. The
legal limit is 0.08. The report says the trooper spotted the car
swerving. Records say the trooper felt a strong alcohol odor coming
from the vehicle and saw the driver holding a large sandwich with
two hands. The driver was neither tested nor arrested, but Pittman
was charged with driving under the influence.

------

-Firefighter's Attempt To Light Cigarette Goes Up In Flames-

MISHAWAKA, Ind. - Firefighter Bob Hunter forced the evacuation
of a Mishawaka, Ind. restaurant this week after he mistook
a Mace dispenser as a lighter for his cigarette. The South
Bend (Ind.) Tribune reported that 20 customers and employees
at the American Pancake House evacuated the establishment and
were made nauseous by the Mace's fumes that Hunter allegedly
released. Hunter allegedly was attempt- ing to light a cigarette
with a Mace container he had taken from his mother's purse when
customers began complaining they felt ill. To make the incident
more unusual, Hunter has been involved in three Mace-related
incidents during his time with the local fire department and the
Pancake House is a no smoking establishment.


-----
Ain't Nothing But A Teddy Bear-Eating Hound Dog

Elvis Presley's teddy bear, valued more than $75,000, met an
untimely end in the jaws of a British hound dog charged with
guarding the treasure in England. The rare 1909 Steiff bear named
Mabel was bought at a Memphis auction by British aristocrat Benjamin
Slade, who in turn loaned it to Wookey Hole Caves near Wells in
Somerset, for an exhibition, the Sun reported Wednesday. No one
knows what caused security guard Greg West's Doberman, Barney, to
go "berserk," but when the carnage ended Tuesday night, more than
100 bears were scattered throughout the exhibit area and Mabel had
lost her head, a Wookie Hole spokesman told the newspaper. "It's a
disaster," he said. "The scene is just a horrific mess, with bits
of teddy bear everywhere."

HAVE A LAUGH

START YOUR DAY THE AMERICAN WAY
I pledge alligiance to the flag of the United States of America
and to the republic for which it stands
-------------One Nation Under God---------------
Indivisible with liberty and justice for all

A newspaper editor announces that there's
enough money in the budget to install a
newsroom chandelier. The reporters
huddle and send a spokesman to say
they're against it.

"Against it? Why?" the editor asks.

"First," the reporter says, "no one on the
staff can spell 'chandelier' well enough
to put it on an order form. Second, I don't
believe that anybody here can play one if
we had it. And third, if you got that much
money, we think you should get a hanging
light instead, to brighten up the office!"
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
Jim was telling his buddy Dave about his experiences the last few weeks.
He said "Dave I was down at the beach waxin my boat, just waxin my boat
Dave and this knockout redhead came by, tits out to here Dave, tits out
to here!!" She said "can I ride in your boat?" and I said sure, we got
in in the lake and I said "screw or swim" and she couldn't swim, Dave,
she couldn't swim.

The next week I was back just waxin my boat and this blonde came by, I
had more wood than my boat when i looked at her. She asked to ride in my
boat and I said sure. Out in the lake I said "screw or swim, and she
couldn't swim, Dave she couldn't swim"

Next week this tall brunette came by and asked to ride in my boat. I had
her out in the lake and told her to screw or swim. She started sheddin
her clothes and she had a DICK Dave, she had a Dick and I can't swim,
Dave I can't swim!!!!!!!
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Dave returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife Alma that the
doctor said he only had 24 hours to live. Wiping away her tears, he asked
her to make love with him. Of course she agreed and they made passionate
love.

Six hours later, Dave went to her again, and said, "Honey, now I only have
18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?" Alma agreed and
again they made love.

Later, Dave was getting into bed when he realized he now had only eight
hours of life left. He touched Alma's shoulder and said, "Honey? Please?
Just one more time before I die."
She agreed, then afterward she rolled over and fell asleep.

Dave, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and turned
until he was down to only four more hours. He tapped his wife on the
shoulder to wake her up. "Honey, I only have four hours left! Could we...?"

His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said,
"Listen Dave, I have to get up in the morning! You don't."
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
A little old lady on vacation took a stroll through the woods. Suddenly a
little white duck, all covered with poop, crossed her path. "Oh,
dear," the lady said, "come on, I'll clean you!"

She took a Kleenex from her purse and whipped the duck clean. After
finishing, she urged the duck away saying, "Be careful next time!"

She walked on and another duck with poop all over it crossed her way. Again
she took out a Kleenex and cleaned the little duck. She warned this one as
well and the duck took off. Soon after, she encountered a third duck with
the same problem. "Now I've had it!" she whined, "What
have you all been doing?" And for the third time she played Florence
Nightingale and tended to the duck.

She continued her stroll when suddenly she heard a voice from the bushes.

"Hey, you, lady!" shouted Little Johnny, sounding in some distress.

"Yes?" she replied.

"Do you have a Kleenex?" Little Johnny asked.

"No, not anymore," she answered, "I've just used them all."

"Too bad. I guess I'll just have to find another duck," replied Little
Johnny.
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+




When my youngest daughter was three, she begged to be allowed to attend
a concert with her older sister and brother. She assured me she was a
big girl and would behave herself. As we took our seats in the orchestra
hall, I handed programs to the kids. Following the lead of her older
siblings, my three-year-old opened her program, and in her most grown-up
voice said, "Mommy, I'll have the chicken, please."

------------------------------------

Q. Who is more satisfied, a man with a million dollars, or a man with
six children? A. The man with six children. The man with a million
dollars wants more.

-----------------------------------

What do you get when you play country music backwards?
The guy gets his girl back. He gets his pickup back.
He stops drinking!
-----------------------------------
A mother was showing her son how to zip up his coat. "The secret," she
said, "is to get the left part of the zipper to fit in the other side
before you try to zip it up." The boy looked at her quizzically... "Why
does it have to be a secret?"
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Deja vu

....milked this cow before: deja moo
....seen this strange animal before: deja gnu
....smelled this bad odor before: deja phew
....visited this menagerie before: deja zoo
....scared this person away before: deja boo
....read this mystery book before: deja clue
....been in this courtroom before: deja sue
....felt this bad before: deja rue
....felt this sad before: deja blue
....expanded this way before: deja grew
....seen this slime before: deja goo
....learned this stuff before: deja knew
....waited in this line before: deja queue
....eaten this dinner before: deja stew
....pursued this person before: deja woo
....forgotten your name before: deja who
....had this feeling of deja vu before: deja too
....seen these twins before: deja two
....used this beer recipe before: deja brew
....been on this airplane before: deja flew
....came up with this innovation before: deja new
....fed these pigeons before: deja coo
....sketched this portrait before: deja drew
....ended this relationship before: deja through
....felt this ill before: deja flu
....sheared this sheep before: deja ewe
....munched on this gum ball before: deja chew
....sat through this sermon before: deja pew
....played in this wet grass before: deja dew
....admired this scenery before: deja ooo
....lost it under the bed before: deja shoo
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+




"Writing Home the Easy Way"
(If you're in college, make countless copies -- use as needed, and fill
in appropriate blanks)

Date: ___________

Dear Parent(s),

I am too busy to write, but this checklist covers most of the topics
of interest to both of us.

Please send:

__ Money (Cash)! Amount: $_______
__ Food (Cookies)! Dozens: ________
__ Clean clothes!

Relationships:

__ What?
__ I am in love with myself
__ I am in love!
__ I am engaged
__ I got married last weekend

My Roommate:

__ Worships the ground I walk on
__ Gave me a black eye
__ Committed suicide and left a note saying I was the reason
__ Is afraid of the dark and wants to sleep with me in my bed ???
__ Has fleas

My Professors are:

__ Sadistic water walkers
__ Mental institution escapees
__ Brain dead nerds
__ Super oxygen thieves

Latest News:

__ I wrecked the car
__ I can't use your credit card because I have exceeded the credit
limit __ You are going to have a grandchild __ False alarm - you are NOT
going to have a grandchild

Food:

__ Is great!
__ Even makes me appreciate your cooking
__ I have had pizzas for the last eleven meals

Grades:

__ I am making all A's
__ I am not being properly challenged
__ I will be home after this semester

I study:

__ Night and day
__ All the time
__ 80 hours a week
__ Only on Sunday afternoon
__ None of the above

Your loving _______


+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
A woman was at work when she received a phone call that her
daughter was very sick with a fever. She left her work and
stopped by the pharmacy to get some medication for her
daughter. When returning to her car she found that she had
locked her keys in the car.

She was in a hurry to get home to her sick daughter. She
didn't know what to do, so she called her home and told the
baby sitter what had happened, and that she did not know
what to do. The baby sitter told her that her daughter was
getting worse.

She said, "You might find a coat hanger and use that to open
the door."

The woman looked around and luckily found an old rusty coat
hanger that had been thrown down on the ground, possibly by
someone else who at so me time or other had locked their keys
in their car. Then she looked at the hanger and said, "I
don't know how to use this." She bowed her head and asked God
to send her some help.

Within five minutes an old rusty car pulled up, with a dirty,
greasy, bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag
on his head. The woman thought, "Great, God. This is what you
sent to help me?" But, she was desperate, so she was also very
thankful.

The man got out of his car and asked her if he could help.
She said, "Yes, my daughter is very sick. I stopped to get her
some medication, and I locked my keys in my car. I must get
home to her. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?"

He said, "Sure."

He walked over to the car, and in less than one minute the car
was opened. She hugged the man and through her tears she said,
"Thank You So Much! You are a very nice man."

The man replied, "Lady, I am not a nice man. I just got out of
prison today. I was in prison for car theft and have only been
out for about an hour."

The woman hugged the man again, and with sobbing tears cried
out loud, "Oh, Thank You God! You even sent me a Professional!"

+*+*+*+*+*+*+
A little woman called During the "rush hour" at Houston Airport, a flight was delayed due to a
mechanical problem. Since they needed the gate for another flight, the
aircraft was backed away from the gate while the maintenance crew worked
on it. The passengers were then told the new gate number, which was some
distance away. Everyone moved to the new gate, only to find a third
gate had been designated for them.
After some further shuffling, everyone got on board, and as they were
settling in, the flight attendant made the standard announcement, "We
apologize for the inconvenience of this last-minute gate change. This
flight is going to Washington, D.C. If your destination is not
Washington, D.C. you should 'deplane' at this time." A very
confused-looking and red-faced pilot emerged from the cockpit, carrying
his bags. "Sorry," hesaid, wrong plane."

Mount Sinai Hospital. She said, "Mount Sinai
Hospital? Hello. Darling, I'd like to talk with the person who gives the
information about the patients. But I don't want to know if the patient
is better or doing like expected, or worse, I want all the information
from top to bottom, from A to Z."

The voice on the other end of the line said, "Would you hold the line,
please, that's a very unusual request."Then a very authoritative voice
came on and said, "Are you the lady who is calling about one of the
patients?"

She said, "Yes, darling! I'd like to know the information about Sarah
Finkel, in Room 302."

He said, "Finkel. Finkel. Let me see. Feinberg, Farber--Finkel.Oh yes.
Mrs.Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she's had two full meals, her
blood pressure is fine, all her tests have come back in the normal range
and if she continues this way, her doctor is going to sign her up for
therapy at a nearby facility and send her h
ome on Tuesday at twelve
o'clock."

The woman said, "Thank God! That's wonderful! She's going home at
twelve o'clock! I'm so happy to hear that. That's wonderful news."

The guy on the other end said, "From your enthusiasm, I take it you
must be one of the close family."

She said, "What close family? I'm Sarah Finkel! My doctor doesn't tell
me anything."
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#



+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Notoriously tight with his money, a Scotsman goes to the dentist and
asks how much it is for a tooth extraction. "£85 for an extraction sir"
was the dentist's reply. "Och huv yer no got anythin' cheaper" replies
the Scotsman getting agitated. "But that's the normal charge for an
extraction sir" said the dentist. "What about if yer din't use any
anesthetic?" asked the Scotsman hopefully. "Well it's highly unusual
sir, but if that's what you want, I suppose I can do it for £70" said
the dentist. "Hmmmm, what about if yer used one of your dentist trainees
and still without anaesthetic" said the Scotsman. "Well it's possible
but they are only training and I can't guarantee their level of
professionalism and it'll be a lot more painful. I suppose in that case
we can bring the price down to say £40" said the dentist. "Och that's
still a bit much, how about if yer make it a trainin' session and have
yer student do the extraction and the other students watchin' and
learnin" said the Scotsman hopefully. "Hmmmmm, well OK it'll be good for
the students I suppose, I'll charge you only £5 in that case" said the
dentist. "Och now yer talkin' laddie! It's a deal" said the Scotsman.
"Can yer confirm an appointment for the wife next Tuesday?"
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
A husband is someone who takes out the trash and gives the impression he
just cleaned the whole house....
------------

Little Billy, and his grandfather entered the vacation cabin, and kept
the lights off until they were inside to keep

from attracting pesky insects.

Still, a few fireflies followed them in.

Noticing them before his grandfather did, Little Billy whispered, "It's
no use, Grandpa. The mosquitoes are coming

after us with flashlights...."

-------------

Cream And Strawberries

Man goes to the doc, with a strawberry growing out of his head.

Doc says 'I'll give you some cream to put on it'

------------

Two men walk into a lumber yard to buy some 2x4's. the clerk asks them
"how long do you need them?"

The dark haired guy doesn't answer
right away, so the blonde guy pipes up "a very long time we're building
a house with them!!"..



Q. How do you know a blonde has been using a dishwasher?

A. It's clogged up with paper plates
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#

Response to Me

The following is a reponse to my emailed rant to Sen Inholfe. Somebody did read and reply. I don't know if it was Mr. Inholfe himself or not but it is a reply. I anticipate a more detailed reply from Dr. Coburn.
See My Challenge


Subject: Responding to your message
From: Jim_Inhofe@inhofe.senate.gov
Date: Tue, August 8, 2006 11:55 am
To: patricia_hughes@valornet.com
Priority: Normal


Dear Mr. and Mrs. Hughes:

Thank you for contact me about the fighting between Israel and Hezbollah. As your voice in Washington , I appreciate being made aware of your views.

As you may know, on July 12 th , 2006 Hezbollah attacked Israel launching rockets and send ing terrorists across the border. Eight Israeli Defense Force (IDF) soldiers were killed and two were kidnapped. Israel responded by attacking Hezbollah in southern Lebanon . When reports surfaced that the two kidnapped IDF soldiers would be transported to Iran , Israel widened their attacks to establish a blockade around Lebanon to prevent their soldiers from being turned over to another hostile country. Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Olmert has stated that Israel will continue to fight until its soldiers are returned , Hezbollah is disarmed in accordance with United Nations Resolution 1559 , and Lebanon patrols the border between Israel and Lebanon .

Hezbollah has long had the backing of Syria and Iran and has sought to destroy Israel . These recent attacks have been launched from land unilaterally ceded by Israel to Lebanon . Furthermore, the Palestinian terrorist group Hamas also kidnapped an IDF soldier after an attack on Israel launched from land unilaterally ceded by Israel to Palestine . Israel has already attempted the diplomatic measures some are calling for right now . Those attempts ultimately failed because Israel was seen by their enemies as being weak. Israel is also being asked to restrain themselves, but how much restraint should be asked of a country that lives under the threat of terrorist attacks daily and is surrounded by neighbors who do not believe in their right to exist? Finally, some are criticizing Israel for overacting and acting disproportionately. Again, Israel is dealing with neighbors who seek their destruction and is upholding the old military tradition of "leave no man behind."

I opposed the unilateral transfers of land from Israel to their enemies . The land for peace solution can only work if their neighbors recognize Israel 's right to exist, which they don't. It should be noted, that the attacks that started the current fighting were launched from the land that Israel gave away. I also strongly believe in Israel 's right to defend themselves. Americans would be asking for no less than what Israel is doing if we were in the same position. I strongly feel that we should not ask the Israeli government to do what we would not do, refrain from protecting the security of its people. Israel is our one reliable friend in the entire Middle East and we should remain solidly behind them. I will continue to monitor this situation closely.

Again, thank you for your comments. Please do not hesitate to contact me again.

Again With Wednesday

START YOUR DAY THE AMERICAN WAY
I pledge alligiance to the flag of the United States of America
and to the republic for which it stands
-------------One Nation Under God---------------
Indivisible with liberty and justice for all

Little Johnny was having problems in English class, so his teacher
decided to stop by on her way home to speak with his parents. When she
rang the bell, Little Johnny opened the door. The teacher said, "Hello,
Johnny. I would like to talk to your mother or your father."

Little Johnny said, "Sorry, but they ain't here."

The teacher said, "Johnny, what is it with your grammar?"

"Beats me," said Little Johnny, "but dad sure was mad that
they had t'go bail her out again."
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
A man is waiting in a hospital to get a vaccination, and he's very
uncomfortable with the idea of being stabbed with a long needle. After a
while, the nurse calls him in to receive the injection. He nervously
walks into the office and sits down where the nurse indicated, eyes
bulging slightly at what seems to be an array of torture devices on the
bench beside him. As the nurse prepares the needle, he tries to think of
the most pleasurable things he can, to try and dull the pain he is
expecting. The nurse turns to him with the filled needle, noticing his
obvious nervously, tries to comfort him with the words, "Don't worry,
it'll just be a small prick." The man jumps up, obviously upset. The
nurse looks startled, but before she can say anything, the man yells
out, "Just how many people has my wife been talking to?!"
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
I dropped off my wife at the hair stylist and she was supposed to call
me when she was ready to be picked up. She must have dialed a wrong
number, she reported later.
She called, and a man said "Hello," to which she cheerfully said,
"Come and get me!"
The man said, "Are you SURE? This is Mitchell's Funeral Home."
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
I called a wrong number recently, and realized my mistake when no one
answered after several rings. That afternoon I received a call from a
woman that went as follows: "I'm Mrs. Jones. Did you call me today?"
"I don't remember calling you. But I dialed a wrong number today
and that might have been yours."
"How could you dial my number by mistake? It's unlisted!"
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
When my older brother was very young, he always walked up to the church
altar with my mother when she took communion.
On one occasion, he tugged at her arm and asked, "What does the
priest say when he gives you the bread?"
Mom whispered something in his ear. Imagine his shock many years
later when he learned that the priest doesn't say, "Be quiet until you
get to your seat."
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+

Weird Fact of the Day:
Weatherman Willard Scott was the first Ronald McDonald.




A man walked into a supermarket with his zipper down. A lady
cashier walked up to him and said, "Your barracks door is open."

Not a phrase that men normally use, he went on his way looking a bit
puzzled. When he was about done shopping, a man came up and said, "Your fly
is open."

He zipped up and finished his shopping.

At the checkout, he intentionally got in the line where the lady
was that told him about his "barracks door." He was planning to have a
little fun with her, so when he reached the counter he said, "When you saw
my barracks door open, did you see a Marine standing in there at attention?"

The lady (naturally smarter than the man) thought for a moment and said "No,
no I didn't. All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on a couple of old
duffel bags.
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
Two farmers, Joe and Bob, lived as neighbors, but didn't like each other
much. In 1989, there was a period of -30 degree centigrade cold and Bob
and Joe had nothing to do because of it. So they bet a bottle of vodka
that can sit out on the window ledge the longest with a bare ass.

After two hours Bob's wife came home and asked Bob, "What are you
doing?"

Bob explained and she said, "Come on, you will only freeze your ass
off."

Bob refused as he wanted to win the bet.

Then his wife got an idea. "Lets change places when Joe is looking the
other way." Bob's wife put on the same kind of pullover and cap and
traded places with Bob.

Half an hour later Joe's wife came home and asked him, "What are you
doing?"

Joe told her and said, "I am determined to win the bottle!"

"You are crazy. Come on in."

"Certainly not, I am already on the winning side. Bob lost his balls
half an hour ago!"
*************************
The impotent bus driver goes to see his doctor. He wants some Viagra,
but he doesn't want his wife to know about it. The doc prescribes it
for him, he heads to the pharmacist, who fills the prescription. Home
is a good hour away so the bus driver quickly downs one of the little
blue pills.

When he gets home, he doesn't even have to tell his wife with words.
That twinkle in his eye speaks volumes. They tear off each other's
clothes and are quickly in bed.

He manages to "rise to the occasion" three times.

*Three times!*

He expects his wife to be delighted, but instead, she seems rather sad.

"What's wrong, dear?" he asks

"I think your job is taking over every aspect of your life and it's
doing you in," she sighs.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, even our sex life is like the bus service. Nothing for ages,
and then -- three come all at once!"
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
A group of children is playing outdoors: "I have
a sister and each of us has her own room," one
girl says. "I have two sisters and one brother,
and each of us has a bike," a boy brags.

"Well, there are eight children in my family,"
another girl says, "and each one of us has his or
her own father!"





While I was driving through a seedy area of San
Diego, I noticed a shop sandwiched between a
strip bar and a liquor store. All of the windows
were blacked out, and over the door was a sign
that proudly declared: "Welcome to Kink-o's. We
have NOTHING to do with office supplies."

*************************

During a museum tour the guide explains, "Here
you can see the beautiful statue of Athena...".

"Excuse me, Madam," a visitor interjects. "Who is
that man behind her? Is he her husband?"

"No, Athena wasn't married. She was the goddess of wisdom."
*************************
A couple was watching a Discovery Channel special about an African bush
tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long. When a male reaches a
certain age, a string is tied around his penis and on the other end is a
weight.

After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 24 inches.

Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife
looked down at him and said, "How about we try the African string-and-weight
procedure?"

The husband agreed and they tied a string and weight to his penis. A few
days later, the wife asked the husband, "How is our little tribal experiment
coming along?"

"Well, it looks like we're about half way there," he replied.

"Wow, you mean it's grown to 12 inches?"

"No, it's turned black."
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
A woman gave birth to twin boys, and she and her husband decided to
name the two babies "Adolph" and "Rudolph." The husband and wife were happy
but decided to try again to see if they could produce a daughter.

The woman gave birth to a second set of twins--once again, boys.

"What shall we name them?" asked the husband, to which his wife
replied, "How about 'Get Off' and 'Stay Off'?"



Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly
widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98," she replied. "Two years
older than me." "So you're 96," the undertaker commented. She responded,
"Hardly worth going home, isn't it?

Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the
best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure."

The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.

I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees Fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear
anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if
I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.

These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."

Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old because
you stop laughing.
*************************
A Columbia Doctor's secretary called an old farmer out my way and said:
"Your check came back."
The old man replied, "So did my arthritis."
----------------------------------
Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?"
Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night."
--------------------------------
The wife chewed out her husband at the company picnic awhile back.
"Doesn't
it embarrass you that people have seen you go up to the buffet table
five
times???"
"Not a bit," the husband replied. "I just tell them I'm filling up the
plate for you!"
--------------------------------
A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th
wedding anniversary. On their special day, a good fairy came to them and

said that because they had been such a devoted couple, she would grant
each
of them a very special wish. The wife wished for a trip around the world

with her husband. Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in
her
hands. The man wished for a female companion thirty years younger....
Whoosh....immediately he turned ninety!!!
Gotta love that fairy!

White Trash Wednesday

START YOUR DAY THE AMERICAN WAY
I pledge alligiance to the flag of the United States of America
and to the republic for which it stands
-------------One Nation Under God---------------
Indivisible with liberty and justice for all

~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
I Miss Bill Clinton (no Really I do)


It doesn't matter what party you belong to -- this is hilarious.


From a show on Canadian TV there was a black comedian
who said he misses Bill Clinton.

"Yep, that's right - I miss Bill Clinton! He was the
closest thing we ever got to having a black man as
President.

Number 1 - He played the sax.
Number 2 - He smoked weed.
Number 3 - He had his way with ugly white women.
;
Even now? Look at him ... his wife works, and he
don't! And, he gets a check from the government every
month.

Manufacturers announced today that they will be
stocking America 's shelves this week with " Clinton
Soup," in honor of one of the nations' most
distinguished men. It consists primarily of a weenie
in hot water.

Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its line
to honor Bill Clinton. The Dodge Drafter will be built
in Canada .

When asked what he thought about foreign affairs,
Clinton replied, "I don't know, I never had one."

Clinton revised the judicial oath: "I solemnly swear
to tell the truth as I know it, the whole truth as I
believe it to be, and nothing but what I think you
need to know."

Clinton will be recorded in history as the only
President to do Hanky Panky between Bushes."

---ya gotta love it.
(Now see why I miss him)




+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Stupid people should have to wear signs that just say, "I'm
Stupid". That way you wouldn't rely on them, would you? You
wouldn't ask them anything. It would be like, "Excuse
me...oops, never mind. I didn't see your sign."

It's like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of
boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway. My friend
comes over and says "Hey, you moving?"

"Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see
how many boxes it takes. Here's your sign."

A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we
pulled his boat into the dock, I lifted up this big 'ol
stringer of bass and this idiot on the dock goes, "Hey, y'all
catch all them fish?" "No - We talked 'em into giving up.
Here's your sign."

I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery
Channel. There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. And
there's only one way to test it. "Alright Jimmy, you got that
shark suit on, it looks good... They want you to jump into this
pool of sharks, and you tell us if it hurts when they bite
you." "Well, all right, but hold my sign. I don't wanna lose
it!"

Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of
those side-of-the-road gas stations. The attendant walks out,
looks at my truck, looks at me, and I SWEAR he said, "Tire go
flat?" I couldn't resist. said, "Nope. I was driving around
and those other three just swelled right up on me! Here's your
sign."

We were trying to sell our car about a year ago. A guy came
over to the house and drove the car around for about 45
minutes. We get back to the house, he gets out of the car,
reaches down and grabs the exhaust pipe, then says, "Darn
that's hot!" See? If he'd been wearing his sign, I could have
stopped him.

I learned to drive an 18 wheeler in my days of adventure.
Wouldn't ya know I misjudged the height of a bridge. The truck got stuck and I couldn't get it out no matter how I tried. I radioed in for help and eventually a local cop shows up to take
the report. He went through his basic questioning..ok..no
problem. I thought sure he was clear of needing a sign...until
he asked "So.. is your truck stuck?" I couldn't help myself! I
looked at him, looked back at the rig and then back to him and
said "no I'm delivering' a bridge...here's your sign."
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
It has been scientifically proven that if we drink one liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than one kilo of Escherichia Coli Bacteria found in water that contains feces.

In other words, we are consuming one kilo of crap. However, we do not run that risk when drinking beer or other liquors because alcohol has to go through a distillation process of boiling, filtering and fermentation.

It is my duty to communicate to all of you people who are drinking water, to stop doing so. It has been scientifically proven that it is unhealthy and bad for you.

THEREFORE - It is better to drink beer and talk crap than to drink water and be full of it !!

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
In 1875 a Danish couple converted to became Mormons and moved to Cache
Valley Utah. They set up a farm in Rural Providence, Utah, and were
self-sufficient for a couple of years. By the third year, the husband
decided to take a second wife, as Mormons of the time did. His wife was
not too keen on the idea, so he convinced a Swedish neighbor to help in
a plan to convince her.
"Let us go to the barn, and pray for guidance on this major
decision," said the husband. "Whatever God tells us, that's what we'll
do."
They went to the barn, got on their knees, and old farmer Madsen
started with the usual openings to Mormon prayers. After a few minutes
of this, he posed the question: "Heavenly Father, should I take another
wife?"
Farmer Olson was in the rafters, as previously had been
arranged, and in the most booming, deep voice he could muster, said
"Brother Madsen, I command thee to take another wife."
After a moment, farmer Madsen looked over to his wife, and saw
that she was sobbing uncontrollably. He put his arm around her, and
said, "There there, a second wife will be an addition to the family, but
she will never be a replacement for you. I'll still love you just as
much."
Mrs. Madsen said "I have no problem with you taking a second
wife, I've been resigned to that for a year now. But in my worst
nightmare, I NEVER imagined that God was a Swede!"
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
The summer band class was just getting under way when a large
insect flew into the room. The sixth-graders, eager to play their shiny
new instruments, tried to ignore the buzzing intruder, but eventually
one student could stand it no more.
He rolled up his music book and swatted the insect, then he
stomped on it to ensure its fate. "Is it a bee?" another student asked.
"Nope," he replied. "It's a bee flat."

~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#



Police have nabbed two Japanese men for siphoning off electricity in
heists worth less than 1 cent each.
A 28-year-old man was caught red-handed by a patrolling police
officer last month after unplugging a business's neon sign and using the
electricity to recharge his mobile phone.
The other culprit, a 22-year-old university student, was giving
a street performance when he unplugged a vending machine in order to
power his portable stereo. A police officer was alerted after local
residents complained about the noise.
Police said they could not let the incidents slide, even though
the men are believed to have stolen $0.0094 worth of electricity.
Both men confessed and have gotten off with reprimands.
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
A German has been jailed for declaring his parents dead 40 times
in order to get charity hand-outs. The 31-year-old prevailed upon
churches and individuals to part with (about $7,300) in total to ease
the pain of his mother's or father's "passing," a court spokesman told
reporters.
He was sentenced to three years in jail for 40 successful acts
of fraud. The litany of faked deaths came to an end when a woman he
approached for a hand-out was his parents' attorney.

---------------------

At Sea World, our grandson absolutely refused to see the show
featuring Shamu the killer whale, but he wouldn't tell us why. No
amount of discussion could get him to change his mind.
Later, when we got home, we discovered the reason for his
reluctance. An aunt had told him how exciting the show would be because
"...they choose children from the audience to feed Shamu."
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
And now a word from our legal department:.....

This is a test. It is only a test. If this were not a test, it would not
be called test. Therefore, it is still a test and only a test. This test
is not to be confused with an emergency test. For that is an old test.
Those who created this test need no embellishment for they have already
passed this test and you need to pass this test as well.

If you received this test with prior notification that you were about to
receive this test, then it would be safe to say that you too are part of
this test. However, if you were not part of this test and received it,
then you could pass this test to the person or persons who should have
received this test on their behalf.

If you want to take this test, then you are most welcome to take this
test as long as you too pass this test. The pathway to the success of
this test leads the way to two kinds of constraints, those that pass the
test and those that do not pass the test. However, if you fail this test
it will go on record that you to have not succeeded in passing this
test.

Please note, that anyone not authorized to take this test, will be in
violation of test requirements and therefore their participation in this
test will be known as an invalid test. It is in the judgment of the test
committee, that, test management immediately disqualifies all invalid
tests. Empowered with this new understanding we could create more
assertive tests.

For those of you who have any questions about this test they should
write them down and send them to the test committee whereby they will
have a meeting to discuss the further possibilities of having still
another test.

In the meantime, Thank you for taking part in this test. This concludes
this test.

Signed,
Test Management

P.S. A warning is hereby given to those who have been granted permission
to take this test, they should never seek council after taking this
test.
~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
This older musician only had
moderate success in his field,
but he was a wonderful music teacher.
One day he had an inspiration and
decided he could teach white mice to
play classical music.

He assembled 16 mice and hand
fashioned various instruments for
each mouse.

He worked hard teaching the mice
to play the 1812 Overture.

After three years he was ready to
expose his symphony orchestra to
the world.

He was granted an appointment with
a famous talent agency, and appeared
at their conference room of the
Madison Avenue agency.

The mice assembled, picked up their
little instruments, and
proceeded to play the best
1812 Overture ever heard.

The conductor mouse took three bows,
as did the 1st violinist.

The man, seeing his life's greatest achievement,
turned to the head of the talent agency,
and asked, "So, what do you think
of my orchestra, sir?"

The agency boss said, "They are the greatest
act I've ever seen. You are to be congratulated,
but I can't book them, and that's final."

The man, with his heart broken asked,
"But.. but, WHY can't you book them?"

The agency boss said in a whisper,
"Because the drummer looks Jewish!"




With all the new technology regarding fertility, a 65 year old woman
gave birth to a baby.

When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, her relatives
came to visit.

"May we see the new baby?" one asked. "Not yet" said the 65 year old
mother, "but soon."

Thirty minutes passed, and another relative asked, "May we see the new
baby now?" "Not yet" said the mother.

After another few minutes had elapsed, they again asked, "May we see the
baby now?" "No", replied the mother.

Growing very impatient, they asked, "Well, when CAN we see the baby?"

"WHEN IT CRIES", she told them. "WHEN IT CRIES??", they demanded. "Why
do we have to wait until it CRIES??."

"BECAUSE, I forgot where I put it...
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Caught on the Job

The new army recruit was given guard duty at 2 a.m. He did his best for
a while, but at about 4 a.m. he went to sleep. He awakened to find the
officer of the day standing before him.

Remembering the heavy penalty for being asleep on guard duty, this smart
young man kept his head bowed for another moment and looked upward and
reverently said, "A-a-a-men!"

+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+

My friend wanted a boat more than anything. His wife kept refusing, but
he bought one anyway. "I'll tell you what," he told her. "In the spirit
of compromise, why don't you name the boat?" Being a good sport, she
accepted. When her husband went to the dock for his maiden voyage, this
is the name he saw painted on the side: "For Sale."

Blue and White

I made the decision to attempt to post the Blue Star Blog Roll and Icons. The reason for this is simple Conserative Girl's husband, my son-in-law is USAF. Although he is not in Iraq. I believe his job is just as important as anyone's. He is an AWAC mechanic. He is on duty at wierd times. Goes to strange places for extended periods of time.

He also keeps my high maintence drama queen daughter Conserative Girl in check. For that alone he needs a medal of some sort.

He plans on remaining in the USAF as a lifer unless God forbid Hillary is elected. At which time he intends to leave the service. This is a seniment I have heard from all the young folks that are in the military.

However I have strayed from this post. My son-in-law came into our lives 21 years ago as a small child. He is the son of my best friend and used to be partner when I was a cop. His mother past on after battling breast cancer. I was in and out of his life for years. Ya might say on the side lines and just being there.
At seven years old Conserative girl and G.I. Man swore they would marry someday. When they were teenagers they hated each other. At about 20 Conserative Girl called said Mom I had a dream I need G.I.'s address. I gotta talk to him. The rest as they say is history.

I think of G.I. as my son. I am proud to call him Son.

Have a laugh

Divorce Letter:
Dear Connie,

I know the counselor said we shouldn't contact each other during our
"cooling off" period, but I couldn't wait anymore. The day you left, I
swore I'd never talk to you again. But that was just the wounded little
boy in me talking. Still, I never wanted to be the first one to make
contact.

In my fantasies, it was always you who would come crawling back to me.
I guess my pride needed that. But now I see that my pride's cost me a
lot of things. I'm tired of pretending I don't miss you. I don't care
about looking bad anymore. I don't care who makes the first move as
long as one of us does.

Maybe it's time we let our hearts speak as loudly as our hurt. And this
is what my heart says: "There's no one like you, Connie." I look for you
in the eyes and breasts of every woman I see, but they're not you.
They're not even close. Two weeks ago, I met this girl at Flamingos and
brought her home with me. I don't say this to hurt you, but just to
illustrate the depth of my desperation.

She was young, maybe 19, with one of those perfect bodies that only
youth and maybe a childhood spent ice skating can give you. I mean,
just a perfect body. Tits like you wouldn't believe and an ass that
just wouldn't quit. Every man's dream, right? But as I sat on the
couch being blown by this stunner, I thought, look at the stuff we've
made important in our lives. It's all so superficial.

What does a perfect body mean? Does it make her better in bed? Well, in
this case, yes, but you see what I'm getting at. Does it make her a
better person? Does she have a better heart than my moderately
attractive Connie? I doubt it. And I'd never really thought of that
before.

I don't know, maybe I'm just growing up a little. Later, after I'd
tossed her about a half a pint of throat yogurt, I found myself
thinking, "Why do I feel so drained and empty?" It wasn't just her
flawless technique or her slutty, shameless hunger, but something else.
Some nagging feeling of loss.

Why did it feel so incomplete? And then it hit me. It didn't feel the
same because you weren't there to watch. Do you know what I mean?
Nothing feels the same without you. Jesus, Connie, I'm just going crazy
without you. And everything I do just reminds me of you.

Do you remember Carol, that single mom we met at the Holiday Inn lounge
last year? Well, she dropped by last week with a pan of lasagna. She
said she figured I wasn't eating right without a woman around. I didn't
know what she meant till later, but that's not the real story.

Anyway, we had a few glasses of wine and the next thing you know, we're
banging away in our old bedroom. And this tart's a total monster in the
sack. She's giving me everything, you know, like a real woman does when
she's not hung up about her weight or her career and whether the kids
can hear us. And all of a sudden, she spots that tilting mirror on your
grandmother's old vanity. So she puts it on the floor and we straddle
it, right, so we can watch ourselves. And it's totally hot, but it
makes me sad, too. Cause I can't help thinking, "Why didn't Connie ever
put the mirror on the floor? We've had this old vanity for what, 14
years, and we never used it as a sex toy."

Saturday, your sister drops by with my copy of the restraining order. I
mean, Vicky's just a kid and all, but she's got a pretty good head on
her shoulders and she's been a real friend to me during this painful
time. She's given me lots of good advice about you and about women in
general.She's pulling for us to get back together, Connie, she really
is. So we're doing Jell-O shots in a hot bubble bath and talking about
happier times.

Here's this teenage girl with the same DNA as you and all I can do is
think of how much she looked like you when you were 18. And that just
about makes me cry.

And then it turns out Vicky's really into the whole anal thing, that
gets me to thinking about how many times I pressured you about trying it
and how that probably fueled some of the bitterness between us. But do
you see how even then, when I'm thrusting inside your baby sister's
cinnamon ring, all I can do is think of you? It's true, Connie. In
your heart you must know it. Don't you think we could start over? Just
wipe out all the grievances away and start fresh? I think we can.

If you feel the same please, please, please let me know. Otherwise, can
you let me know where the Damn remote is.

Love, Dan.




+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
A girl ( blonde ) had devised a device to cause any car that passed in
front of her house to suddenly break down but couldn't find any
practical way to profit from it. So, thinking clearly, she set up the
device, and as the cars passed the house and broke down, she'd offer the
man in the car a place to stay for the night. Then as soon as the man
was asleep, he'd be jarred awake by her with his penis in her mouth, and
she'd hold a sign up saying "$50 or I'll bite hard!".

Of course usually the guy would pay and she'd let him go. Well one day
Buffalo broke down, and had to stay the night. Sure enough, he felt
something between his legs at night, and there she is with him in her
mouth and holding the sign "$50 or I'll bite."

Buffalo just smiled and said "$100 or I'll piss!"
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
A little boy walks into his parents room to see his mom on top of his
dad bouncing up and down. The mom see's her son and quickly dismounts,
worried about what her son has seen. She dress's quickly and goes to
find him. The son see's his mom and asks' "What were you and dad doing?"

The mother replies "Well you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes
I have to get on top of it to help flatten it."

"You're wasting your time." says the boy.

"Why is that?" asked him mom, puzzled.

"Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her
knees and blows it right back up."
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
One evening a man drove his secretary home after she had worked late at the
office and wasn't feeling well enough to drive herself. Although this was an
innocent gesture, he decided not to mention it to his wife, who tended to
get jealous easily.
Later that night the man and his wife were driving to a restaurant. Suddenly
he looked down and spotted a high-heeled shoe half hidden under the
passenger seat.
Not wanting to be conspicuous, he waited until his wife was looking out her
window before he scooped up the shoe and tossed it out of the car. With a
sigh of relief, he pulled into the restaurant parking lot.
That's when he noticed his wife squirming around in her seat. "Honey," she
asked, "have you seen my other shoe?"
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
Weird Fact :
A baby octopus is about the size of a flea when it is born.
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
"Nice threads, man," commented Donald when his buddy showed up one day in a snappy new suit. "Where'd you pick 'em up?" Richard beamed. "My old lady got them for me. Pretty sharp, huh?" "I'll say. What was the occasion?" "Got me," admitted Richard with a cheerful shrug. "I came home from work early the other day and there they were, hanging over the chair in the bedroom."
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#





A woman had gained a few pounds. It was most noticeable to her when she squeezed into a pair of her old blue jeans. Wondering if the added weight was noticeable to everyone else, she asked her husband, "Honey, do these jeans make me look like the side of the house?" "No, dear, not at all," he replied. "Our house isn't blue."
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
In a train compartment, there are 3 men and a ravishing young girl. The four passengers join in conversation, which very soon turns to the erotic. Then, the young girl proposes, "If each of you will give me $1.00, I will show you my legs." The men, charmed by this young girl, all pull a buck out of their wallet. And then the girl pulls us her dress a bit to show her legs. Then she says, "If each of you gentlemen will give me $10.00, I'll show you my thighs," and men being what they are, they all pull out a ten dollar bill. The girl pulls up her dress all the way to her legs in full. Conversation continues, and the men, a bit excited, have all taken off their coats. Then the young girl says, "If you will give me $100, I will show you where I was operated on for appendicitis." All three fork over the money. The girl then turned to the window and points outside at a building they're passing. "See there in the distance. That's the hospital where I had it done!"
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
A n t i b o y o t i c s
When administered to teenage girls, is highly effective in improving grades, freeing up phone lines, and reducing money spent on make-up.
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
This American golf fanatic always dreamed of playing at St.
Andrews, and finally got the chance. Going with his wife, they
teed off andhe proceeded to play the best game of his life.
After 9 holes, he was 5 strokes under par,and was on cloud nine.
On the back nine, he started playing even better, even getting
an Eagle on the 16th hole.

He was so excited that he ended up slicing the shot on the 17th
tee, and as he walked up to it, saw that his ball was behind a
small shack for the groundskeepers.

Now he started to worry that his score would go up, but his caddy
came up to him and said "Sir, this may sound like a tough shot,
but if you put it through that window, the ball should go through
the window on the other side, and if you're lucky, the ball will
roll onto the green. The way you've played today, I think you can
make it."

So the guy takes a look and sees that it's a tough shot, but
possible, so he tries it. But his shot just misses the window, hit
the window frame, and struck his wife right in the head, killing her
instantly.

Years go by and the man can't forget that horrible day. People he
tells the story to all sympathize with him, but he just has no will
to live. But then he realizes what he must do - Face his nightmare!

He travels back to Scotland and plays another round at St. Andrews,
and miraculously, he is playing another stellar game. He starts to
feel better about himself as the round goes on, but when he
approaches the 17th hole, he gets so nervous that he slices his
shot to the same damned spot.

As at his ball lying there behind the shack, his caddy says "Sir,
the way you've been playing, why not try a trick shot. Some of the
other caddies say if you can get it through that window, it will
follow through the one opposite it and roll onto the green."

The guy says "Are you out of your fuckin' mind? The last time I
tried that I double-bogied."





+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Your joke about Bubba in Paris reminds me of an
amusing incident when I crossed the channel to Le Havre
a few years ago.

I was sat at a table in one of those pavement cafes
when a rather attractive French Filly came and sat
opposite me. She said something I couldn't understand
so I asked her if she spoke English.

"A leetle...", she answered.

"How much...", I asked.

"Two hundred francs, Monsieur."
~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
On their wedding night, the young bride
approached her new husband and asked for
$20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter.
In his highly aroused state, her husband
readily agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they
made love, for more than 30 years, with him
thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford
new clothes and other incidentals that she
needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was
surprised to find her husband in a very drunken
state. During the next few minutes, he explained
that his employer was going through a process
of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go.

It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able
to find another position that paid anywhere near
what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were
financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bankbook which
showed more than thirty years of steady deposits
and interest totaling nearly $1 million.Then she
showed him certificates of deposits issued by
the bank which were worth over $2 million, and
informed him that they were one of the largest
depositors in the bank.

She explained that for the more than three
decades she had "charged" him for sex, these
holdings had multiplied and these were the
results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments
worth over $3 million, her husband was so
astounded he could barely speak, but finally
he found his voice and blurted out, "If I'd had
any idea what you were doing, I would have
given you all my business!"


~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
My ten-year-old son informed us that part of his tooth had come out.
We checked and, sure enough, a piece had broken off. Trying to
lighten the moment, I asked my husband, "What do you suppose the
tooth fairy gives for half a tooth?" "Nothing," he replied, "She
wants the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth."

Tuesday Morning Edition

START YOUR DAY THE AMERICAN WAY
I pledge alligiance to the flag of the United States of America
and to the republic for which it stands
-------------One Nation Under God---------------
Indivisible with liberty and justice for all

During the recent blackout in New York City, my sister's phone at the ferry
company rang nonstop.
Many callers asked if the service was still running.
"How?" asked one. "There's a power failure in New York."
"Don't worry," my sister replied.
"Our ferry's plugged into the New Jersey side."
*************************
In order to make it possible for everyone to attend church next week, we are
planning a
Special no-excuse Sunday.

1. Cots will be placed in the Chapel for those who say, "Sunday is my only
day for
Sleeping in."

2. Eye drops will be available for those whose eyes are tired from watching
TV too late on
Saturday night.

3. We will have steel helmets for those who believe the roof will cave in if
they show up
At church.

4. Blankets will be furnished for those who complain that the church is too
cold. Fans
Will be on hand for those who say the church is too hot.

5. We will have hearing aids for those members who say, "the speakers don't
talk loud
Enough." There will be cotton for those who say, "the speakers talk too
loud."

6. Score cards will be available for those who wish to count the hypocrites.

7. We guarantee that some relatives will be present for those who like to go
visiting on
Sunday.

8. There will be TV dinners available for those who claim they can't go to
church and cook
Dinner, too.

9. One section of the church will have some trees and grass for those who
see God in
Nature, especially on the golf course.

10. The chapel will be decorated with both Christmas poinsettias and Easter
lilies to
Create a familiar environment for those who have never seen the church
without them.
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Throughout the pitch-black night, the captain sees a light dead ahead on a
Collision course with his ship. He sends a signal: "Change your course ten
Degrees east."

The light signals back: "Change yours, ten degrees west."

Angry, the captain sends: "I'm a Navy captain! Change your course sir."

"I'm a seaman, second class," comes the reply. "Change your course sir."

Now the captain is furious. "I'm a battleship! I'm not changing course!"

There's one last reply. "I'm a lighthouse. Your call."
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#




At ROTC (Reserve Officers' Training
Corps) summer camp at an Air Force Base in Florida, we were nervous about
our approaching survival training, for we would be pitching our tents in a
snake-infested swamp.Our instructor, advising us on the treatment of snake
bites, explained that the venom of rattlesnakes, copperheads and water
moccasins affected the circulatory system. Their bites were to be treated
with tourniquets, incisions and suction. The poison of the coral snake, on
the other hand, affected the nervous system. At this point he closed his
manual."Sir," asked a cadet, "what do we do if a coral snake bites one of
us?""Turn to page A1-7 in your manuals."There was a flurry of activity as we
flipped through the guides. When we looked up, our smiles were sickly. Page
A1-7 consisted entirely of interdenominational
prayers.

*************************
Weird Fact :
In a study that was done by the University of Chicago in 1907, it was concluded that the easiest color to spot is yellow. This is why John Hertz, who is the founder of the Yellow Cab Company picked cabs to be yellow.
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
A 75 year old lady says to her husband, "You know what, I think
I'll go to the doctor and get a checkup."
Her husband says, "Sure, thats a good idea dear."
So she makes an appointment to see Dr. Levine, a gynecologist,
and explains that she has not had a checkup in 25 years.
Dr Levine tells her to get undressed and put on a gown so he can
check everything out.
The Doctor puts his hand under her gown, lifts her right breast
and tells her to say, "99"
She says "99"
"I see nothing wrong there," says the Doctor. He then puts his
hand under her gown, lifts her left breast and repeats, "Say 99"
She says "99"
Dr. Levine says everything seems ok with this one also.
"We might as well check your other vitals, lay down on the table
and put your feet in the stirrups."
He puts on the rubber glove and some KY on the glove and is
checking her private parts for any signs of lumps, etc.
Once more he tells her, "Say 99"
She says, "one, two, three.........."

*************************
It's a sunny morning in the Big Forest, and the Bear family is just
waking up.
Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table, he
looks into his small bowl. It is empty. "Who's been eating my
porridge?!!" he squeaks
Papa Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks
into his big bowl, and it is also empty. "Who's been eating my
porridge?" he roared.
Momma Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and
yells. "For Pete's sake, how many times do we have to go through this?"
"It was Momma Bear, who got up first."
"It was Momma Bear, who woke up everyone in the house."
"It was Momma Bear, who made the coffee."
"It was Momma Bear, who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put
everything away."
"It was Momma Bear, who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch
the newspaper."
"It was Momma Bear, who set the table. " "It was Momma Bear, who put
the cat out, cleaned the litter box and filled the cat's water and food
dishes."
"And now that you've decided to drag your asses downstairs and grace
Momma Bear's kitchen with your grumpy presence ...
Listen good, 'cause I'm only going to say this one more time ..."
"I haven't made the fucking porridge yet!!"

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A kiss is a upper preparation for a lower invasion that will lead to
further penetration with fast acceleration that will build the next
generation

*************************




ADVICE FOR GOLFERS
1. Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.
2. Form a loose grip.
3. Keep your head down.
4. Avoid a quick back swing.
5. Stay out of the water.
6. Try not to hit anyone.
7. If you are taking too long, please let others go
ahead of you.
8. Don't stand directly in front of others.
9. Quiet please!... while others are preparing to go.
10. Don't take extra strokes.
Very good. Flush the urinal, go outside and tee off.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
A fellow is standing in a bar and another guy walks up to him and says,
"Are you Joe Smith?"
The fellow says, "Yes, I'm Joe Smith."
He says, "Were you in Chicago in early June?"
The fellow takes out a little notebook and rifles through the pages, and says, "Yeah, I was in Chicago in early June."

"Did you stay at the Hyatt?"

The guy looks through his notebook again and says,
"Yes, I stayed at the Hyatt."

"Were you in room 1368?"

The fellow checks his notebook and says, "Yes, I was in room 1368."

The guy says, "Did you know a Mrs. Wentworth who stayed in room 1369?"

The guy looks in his book again and says, "Yes, I knew Mrs. Wentworth who stayed in 1369."
The guy says, "Tell me, did you have an affair with Mrs. Wentworth?"

The fellow scans his notebook and says, "Yes, I had an affair with Mrs.
Wentworth."

The guy says, "Well, I'm Mr. Wentworth and I don't like it!"
Again the fellow looks in his notebook and says, "You know, you're
right. I didn't like it either."

~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
Weird Fact :
African Baobab tree's circumference can reach 180 feet. If the trunk is hollow, 20 people would be able to fit inside of it.

*************************




+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Bastard

GIRL: I have sinned a great sin. I called my boyfriend a BASTARD.

PSYCHIATRIST: Well now, that's not a nice thing to call anyone, so what did
he do to deserve that?

GIRL: Well, he kissed me.

PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this?

GIRL: ...Yes!

PSYCHIATRIST: Well that's no reason to call him a BASTARD.

GIRL: But, he put his hand in my bra.

PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this?

GIRL: Yes!

PSYCHIATRIST: Well that's no reason to call him a BASTARD.

GIRL: But, he took my clothes off.

PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this?

GIRL: ...Yes!

PSYCHIATRIST: Well that's no reason to call him a BASTARD.

GIRL: But, he had sex with me!

PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this?

GIRL: ...Yes!

PSYCHIATRIST: Well that's no reason to call him a BASTARD.

GIRL: But... he told me he has AIDS.

PSYCHIATRIST: What a BASTARD!
*************************
A young wife, who was becoming frustrated with her young husbands constant
demands for sex, decides to make a schedule for him, to cut down on the
amount of times that they will have to make love for the rest of their
marriage.

While getting ready for work, she writes on a piece of paper, "Honey, you
know I love you, but your never ending requests for sex are leaving me
drained and really tired. So I propose that we only have sex on days that
start with the letter 'T', to minimise the frequency of our lovemaking
sessions. Don't be mad at me honey, just understand where I am coming from,
and let me know if my request is too demanding of you."

On her way out the door, she uses a refrigerator magnet and sticks the note
to the fridge door, hoping that her sex craved husband will be understanding
and accepting of her proposal when he reads it.

Upon returning home, she glances at the refrigerator and notices that her
note has been replaced with a note from her husband that reads, "Baby, I
didn't' realise that I was putting you under so much pressure and I'm sorry.

I accept your proposal and have even taken the extra step of listing at the
bottom of this letter, those days starting with the letter 'T' to make sure
that we are on the same page.

1. TUESDAY

2. THURSDAY

3. TODAY

4. TOMORROW

P.S. I love you too, and remember it's still TODAY, I am waiting for you
upstairs."
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+

A Challenge

I have a challenge/suggestion to all the bloggers out there.
A few days ago on CNN and HNN they were talking , actually bemoaning the bloggers and how we have 39% of the population in this nation listening, writing and reading blogs. We are starting to change politics. And Oh My the Media. The Media is beginning to fear us. Whoo Hoo!!
If this is true then there is another way to get the attention of the beltway and support our Military.

So here is my idea. A new type of meme if you will. We all say prayers for our Troops and Military. Our President. We have our likes and dislikes of everything.

Pick something with substance on your mind blog about it. Your point of view on the state of the world, politics why you support or not the troops. then send it to your reps with your blog address.
Send it to the President Send it to everyone, Fox News, ABC, CBS,CNN, NBC. Anyone that will listen. It only takes a few minutes of your time. An example of this is the previous post I wrote I add a different Header found the addies for my reps the President Vice-President and sent it. It took me about 30 minutes to do this. It made me feel better. I included my blog address with it.

On the lighter Side

START YOUR DAY THE AMERICAN WAY
I pledge alligiance to the flag of the United States of America
and to the republic for which it stands
-------------One Nation Under God---------------
Indivisible with liberty and justice for all

*************************
Retired

I worked years for someone else
So that I could retire.
I dreamed of sleeping late
And sitting by the fire.

I dreamed of long vacations,
Enjoying stage and song.
But, let me set you straight on that concept,
It is simply wrong.

I did junk my safety glasses
And the work boots that cramped my toes.
But, the rest of it had a mind of it's own
And this is how it goes.

My wife had been thinking of retirement
And had plans of her own.
She had spent much time with the kids
But, now they are grown and gone.

We sold our cattle and horses
So we wouldn't have that chore.
I poured concrete over my alarm clock
But, I still wake up at four.

I get my eyes checked on Monday.
Maggie gets hers checked the next day.
I go for a colon check on Wednesday
And pass my wife going the other way.

I have a dental appointment on Thursday.
Ann goes for a test on her heart.
Friday we go get prescriptions filled
And browse a while at Wal-mart.

Saturdays we just stay home
And try to get the paper work right.
We can't take any overnight trips
'Cause we can't see to drive at night.

Restroom confusion keeps us out of church on Sunday
And we really do hate that.
There's nothing wrong with the restrooms,
We just can't remember where they're at.

We don't need to plan next week,
Just make sure we can drive.
And not forget where the hospitals and clinics are.
We'll need them to survive.

So, don't build your castles too high, my friend,
While strolling through the clover.
This is a typical week in retirement
And on Monday we start all over!






+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Lazy

A visitor from Buffalo was strolling along the
California surf one morning.

During his walk he came upon a fellow, fishing pole
clutched in his hands, sound asleep against the
side of a huge coastal rock.

Just then the pole began to jerk violently.
"Hey, there!" cried the visitor as he roused the
fisherman.

"Look out there! You have a bite."

"So I do," yawned the drowsy one glancing out at the water.

"If you don't mind, will you pull in the line for me?"

The visitor, somewhat surprised, did as he was requested.

"Now, mister," continued the fisherman, "put some fresh
bait on the hook and cast the line out for me."

Again the visitor complied. After doing so he turned to
the lazy angler.

"You know," he declared, "anyone as lazy as you ought
to get married and have a son to do these things for him."

"That's a good idea," beamed the fisherman. "Know where
I could find a pregnant woman?"


~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
Rabbi

Rabbi who's been leading a congregation for many years is upset by the
fact that he's never been able to eat pork. So he devises a plan
whereby he flies to a remote tropical island and checks into a hotel.

He immediately gets himself a table at the finest restaurant and orders
the most expensive pork dish on the menu. As he's eagerly waiting for
it to be served, he hears his name called from across the restaurant.

He looks up to see 10 of his loyal congregants approaching.
His luck, they'd chosen the same time to visit the same remote location!

Just at that moment, the waiter comes out with a huge silver tray
carrying a whole roasted pig with an apple in its mouth. The Rabbi looks
up sheepishly at his congregants and says, "Wow - you order an apple in
this place and look how it's served!"




*************************
Phone

I was at home the other night in the middle of my dinner when the phone
rang. This is kinda long and quite funny...

ME: Hello.

AT&T: Hello, this is AT&T ...

ME: Is this AT&T?

AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T ...

ME: This is AT&T?

AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T ...

ME: Is this AT&T?

AT&T: Yes! This is AT&T, may I speak to Mr. Davis, please?

ME: May I ask who is calling.

AT&T: This is AT&T.

ME: Ok, hold on.

At this point I put the phone down for a solid 5 minutes thinking that,
surely, this person would have hung up the phone. I ate my salad. Much
to my surprise, when I picked up the receiver, they were still waiting.

ME: Hello?

AT&T: Is this Mr. Davis?

ME: May I ask who is calling, please?

AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T ...

ME: This is AT&T.?

AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T .

ME: The phone company?

AT&T: Yes, sir.

ME: I thought you said this was AT&T.

AT&T: Yes, sir, we are a phone company.

ME: I already have a phone.

AT&T: We aren't selling phones today, Mr. Davis. We would like to
offer you 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a
year.

ME: Now, that's 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day?

AT&T: (getting a little excited at this point by my interest) Yes, sir,
that's right! 24 hours a day!

ME: 7 days a week.?

AT&T: That's right.

ME: 365 days a year.?

AT&T: Yes, sir.

ME: I am definitely interested in that! Wow!!! That's amazing!

AT&T: We think so!

ME: That's quite a sum of money!

AT&T: Yes, sir, it's amazing how it adds up.

ME: Ok, so will you send me checks weekly, monthly or just one big one
at the end of the year for the full $52,560; and if you send an annual
check, can I get a cash advance?

AT&T: Excuse me.

ME: You know, the 10 cents a minute.

AT&T: What are you talking about.

ME: You said you'd give me 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day,
7 days a week, 365 days a year. That comes to $144 per day, $1008 per
week and $52,560 per year. I'm just interested in knowing how you will
be making payment.

AT&T: Oh, no, sir. I didn't mean we'd be paying you. You pay us 10
cents a minute.

ME: Wait a minute, how do you figure that by saying that you'll give me
10 cents a minute, that I'll give YOU 10 cents a minute? Is this some
kind of subliminal telemarketing scheme? I've read about things like
this in the Enquirer, you know.

AT&T: No, sir, we are offering 10 cents a minute for...

ME: THERE YOU GO AGAIN! Can I speak to a supervisor please.

AT&T: Sir, I don't think that is necessary.

ME: I insist on speaking to a supervisor!

AT&T: Yes, Mr. Davis. Please hold.
At this point, I begin trying to finish my dinner.

SUPERVISOR: Mr. Davis?

ME: Yeth?

SUPERVISOR: I understand you are not quite understanding our 10 cents a
minute program.

ME: Id thish Ath Teeth &Teeth?

SUPERVISOR: Yes, sir, it sure is.

ME: (I had to swallow before I choked on my food. It was all I could do
to suppress my laughter and I had to be careful not to produce a snort).
No, actually, I was just waiting for someone to get back to me so that I
could sign up for the plan.

SUPERVISOR: Ok, no problem, I'll transfer you back to the person who was
helping you.

ME: Thank you.

I was on hold once again and managed a few more mouthfuls. I need to
end this conversation. Suddenly, there was an aggravated but polite
voice at the other end of the phone.

AT&T: Hello, Mr. Davis, I understand that you are interested in signing
up for our plan.

ME: No, but I was wondering - do you have that "Friends and Family"
thing, because I'm an only child and I'd really like to have a little
brother...

AT&T: click........

+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+