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Wednesday, February 14, 2007

marine tribute

Don't Forget


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marine tribute

Don't Forget


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Sunday, December 17, 2006

Lady


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Saturday, December 09, 2006

Redneck Christmas


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Sunday, December 03, 2006

MERRY CHRISTMAS



I have decided to start another
small blog for the remainder of this month.
This will get the run off from my blog.
I love this time of year.
I intend to post a little of everything there.
Anyone with something they would like to
Share something or lots of things.
Contact me and I will add you to the
contributor list.
This could be fun for everyone.


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Friday, December 01, 2006

The Night Before Christmas/Larry the Cable Guy


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Tuesday, November 14, 2006

Highway To Hell


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Saturday, November 11, 2006

United We Stand


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Sunday, September 17, 2006

Halabja Massacre


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Wednesday, September 13, 2006

Some one Help.

UPDATE: ON SUNDAY MORNING I RECIEVED THIS:
001 java.io.IOException: No space left on deviceblog/31/39/9/thisthatandfroghair
/archives/2006_09_10_
thisthatandfroghair_archive.html
No space left on deviceblog/31/39/9
I tried to to resolve this and gave up I then started moving my blog to
Now for what ever error on my part I have what appears to be limited space here to post. However it now shows my other blog here too, on my profile.
AAARRRRGGGGG....
I don't know how this will iron out.
For your daily jokes and such go to the #2 site.
Red Alert.
Notice I have apparently reached the End of Frog hair days here.
Any suggestions?
I have deleted a few posts to be able to post this.
At this point I am working on creating a new frog hair on blogger.
Until I can decide if I want to move to another blog
or go dot.com
UPDATE:
I have moved to this are on blogger.
Until I can sort out what is happening with my blog.
I have posted several of my last posts there and will be posting new posts.


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Monday, September 11, 2006

HEY WAIT Jokes will be posted





Over the next few days
I am leaving different
posts at the begining of this blog.
My regular laughes and grins will follow below.



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Have you Forgotten?


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TRIBUTE for the KIDS OF SEPT. 11th


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American Soldier Video...


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Courtsey of the Red White and Blue


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Sunday, September 10, 2006

9/11

Rated R lang.


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9/11 American Tribute


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Why We Fight...

Its 9-11-06 Remember 9-11-01


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john wayne tribute 2

The beginning of American Tributes


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Thursday, September 07, 2006

Reagan Tribute

This is the best 4 minutes of my day. If you do nothing else today watch this video.


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Monday, August 28, 2006

My Two Cents.


Well I wasn't going to do a personal post for a while. I have done plenty the last week or two.
But some man/person left a comment on my site that gave me pause. He broke the rule.


DO AS YOU WILL HARM NONE.

His comment would have offended my family members.
And buddy when you tread on my on my family. You walk on the fighten' side of me. Any comment from this day forward directed at any member of my family will be deleted should I find it an insult.

Very few people know me or my family. I am amazed to daily watch the world around me.


First: I do not claim to be a Christian. I am a believer.

Second: I follow the old traditions. Let me clarify that I am an American Indian/Euro mix. I can trace my ancestors back nearly to the days of Christ. I am a decendant of the the DAR proven fact that a direct ancestor was a body guard to George Washington. (By the way I didn't prove that.) Also a daughter of the Mayflower.
I have a pedigree that most would envy. When my daughter says she is a princess well start tracing my linage and you will find that is true.

The other side of the family is Mohawk this to is proven by lineage. So to any jackass out there that wants to tell me that I am not a Citizen of this nation I say this.
Its the damn Euro trash that started the problems here.
My Grand mothers walked the fucking trail of tears. Every damn step. They were married to the Euro trash.

I hear how the black man was a slave. Well folks lets look at the true history of this nation. Then come back and tell me how it was only the black man. When it was the white man that broke the food staff of my ancestors and left them to die with the pox or starvation. The white man that drove them like cattle and removed them from their lands. So that those same lands could be stolen. Every step any white person takes in this nation is a step on the lands shared by the Native peoples here. Land the Euro's stole.

You want to insult me well get in line. You want to insult my family well then you will come through me.
There has never been a war that a member of my family has not been there.
Ever since this nation was founded including the Revolution. There were decades that my people were oppressed and kept down. Generations of new religions and oppression. We survived. I will not allow any Euro trash to set me or mine back.

Once again to make my point. This is my nation and I am proud of it. Through the blood of all of my ancestors I have the right to voice my opinion.

Third: I have never claimed an initial after my name. I have mentioned that I am a democrat and in the center. On occasion I have stated that I believe my party was hi-jacked and like any hijacking it has gone to seed. We dems have no leaders. All we have is nuts.

GOT THAT NUTS. AS IN KOOKU FOR COACOA PUFFS.

I can not give you a name for 08 that I or mine would vote for if there is a D after the name.
This is because of the likes of Hillary, Kerry, Kennedy, Durbin and the list goes on. Zell Miller and Lieberman were the last of the true democrats.

Fourth: Before you take the liberty to assume anything about me then study yourself approved.

Fifth: Reguarding Islam General Curtis LaMay said when they get tired of dying we will quit killing them.

I consider myself and mine MAINSTREAM AMERICANS, we earned that title. We walked the walk. Have you?

Any questions? Email me.


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Thursday, August 24, 2006

Bet ya don't Fr**ckin Care


Do you know this Man? Have you ever seen him before? I don't know him personally. I have heard him once in a while on the radio and t.v. I have made an ass out of myself a time or two in his office, I would guess. Nudder story.

This man is John Sullivan.
http://sullivan.house.gov/
He is one of my reps. Yeppers he is. I have a reason for this posting. Bear with me. Gayle I emailed this to you so you know already.

Today the phone rang. I glanced at the caller id. It came up Capital U.S. 202-226-9928.
Well spank my butt. I.d. has shown Capital before and it was Capital One, one of the most, with out a doubt bar none, the most annoying credit card companies around.
In my state of don't freakin' mess with me today I am not in the mood I grabbed the phone and said "What?"
Caller asked for my husband or Patricia, me.
However he didn't pronunce my hubbies name correctly. I, mean come on its a simple name Miles just like it reads and sounds.
So I started out very mean you didn't pronunce his name right you have 30 seconds. If this is another credit card offer go......."
The caller was saying wait a minute then quickly stated he was calling for congressman Sullivan. He stated his business and wanted to know if I/we still felt the way we did when we emailed him. "
"I snapped which email I email often."
He told me the one of July 30th was the one he was dealing with.. He said that Congressman Sullivan had read it and wanted him to call.
Me thinking when pigs fly.
I still being in a rabid mood was not ready to believe any one from the U.S. gov was calling. Snapped back "yes we stand behind every email and everything we have stated before."
He said well you indicated you are not happy with money going to lebanon and you want money to go to Israel. You indicate that you believe Israel is an ally. (me thinking no shit sherlock)
"Uh huh? Well we want to let you know that Congressman understands."

Ha!!!!!! My opening!!!! Does he? Israel is the last defense and first defense we have against terrorism. I get it. We get it.
Well you indicate that you don't want to send money to the other country.
Me "No I dont' want to rebuild Lebanon. They harbor terrorists and I don't want my money funding a terrorist state. I have nothing against them except they harbor terrorists."" You guys in Washington announced through the State Department that you are going to rebuild Lebanon. Well screw that send the money to Israel. If you can't do that then here is a thought take my hard earned tax dollars and send Lebanon one billion and Israel 3 billon thats fair.

Lord knows who this poor man was but he got an ear full. God bless him. I am sure he wasn't ready for another rant. I explained to him. Well I demanded his attention and told him
"Look me and mine are democrats and we are not happy with the democrat party in fact we are convinced they couldn't save a piss ant from a mud puddle.". (that got a chuckel) I told him look we get it already. We understand why we are in Iraq. If we can not stabalize Iraq we will not have demoracy anywhere on the globe.
Now tell me why Sullivan isn't LOUD AND PROUD repeating what Bush is saying Why is our president the lone voice in the wilderness. Where the hell is his party? Why are they not getting this important point across?
He tried to tell me Sullivan backs the president.
I asked him when?
He said I can't tell you exactly when.
I told him yea well not with in my recent memory. Its time to stand up in an election year and be counted. Who the hell is going to vote against that? Who once they understand what the stakes are will vote any other way.
Hey I am a democrat and I speak for 12 you do the math. (120,000 we speak for Yea let me do your talking.)
This conversation covered illegal immigration, domestic fuels, world powers and many other topics.
Not excluding the war the military. By God you voted to send my troops to war stand behind them. It isn't politics.
We ended with him telling me that Sullivan will probably be contacting me again. ( Me think yea right) I told him when he gets ready to hear my take on the judges and making laws call me back.


Now remember my challenge???? Bet ya blew me off. Too bad I speak for you.........




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Wednesday, August 16, 2006




I am still a wee bit nervous posting here because of the thing Sunday. I hate it when blogger eats my post. Don't they ever feed the bitch? I have gotten where I cut and paste a copy of everything I do before a post because to the MIA posts.
My hubby claims someone is censoring me. He says it happens more when I open my mouth and bitch about the media. He is begining to wear on my nerves over that also. He has never adhered to a conspiracy in his. Between he and blogger I may just go to posting butterflies.


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Sunday, August 13, 2006

Sunday's Odds and Ends



+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you." The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
They say, 'Every year 138 million children are born around the world.' Damn, It looks to me like procreation is our only form of recreation.
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
With the break-up of the Soviet Union and the upheavals in Russia
leading to new found openness, some members of the government decided
to break with tradition and clean up some of the memorials and
exhibits around Red Square. When they opened the Lenin mausoleum for
the first time, they found him caked with filth from years of public
display, and it was extremely odiferous. This action caused such a
stir among the citizenry that some well-intentioned Russians found
themselves kicked out of office. It goes to show that even with the
new freedom in Russia, you can't air your dirty Lenin In public.

+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
One evening while playing the roulette table, a fly landed on number
17. Being influenced by any seeming sign, one of the players put his
money on number 17. After my wheel was spun and there were no
winners, another bettor turned to the disappointed loser and quipped,
"It must have been a house fly."
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
I had to go on a business trip the day after my honeymoon, so I decided
to purchase a gift for my new wife. At an airport gift shop, I found a
coffee mug imprinted with the words, "I love you" inside a beautiful red
heart. Confident the mug would please my wife, I asked to have it
wrapped. She beamed when I gave it to her at dinner that night, but her
face fell when she saw the writing on the back of the mug. It read,
"Grandpa."
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
A Texan is bragging to a Rhode Islander. "In Texas," he drawls, "you can
get on a train, ride all day long, and still be in Texas by nightfall."
"Yeah", replies the Yankee, "We have slow trains in Rhode Island too."
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
My wife Delores never quite got the hang of the 24-hour military clock.
One day she called the orderly room to speak with me. The person who
answered told her to call me at the extension in the band rehearsal
hall. "He can be reached at 4700, Ma'am," the soldier advised. With a
sigh of exasperation, my wife responded, "And just what time is that?"
~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
Co-workers sympathized as my mother complained that her back was really
sore from moving furniture. "Why don't you wait till your husband gets
home?" someone asked. "I could," my mother told the group," but the
couch is easier to move if he's not on it."
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
I had just moved to an address between Sunset Ave. and Sunset Blvd., one
of Sacramento's major streets, and was explaining to a clerk where my
home was located for billing purposes. "I live between Sunrise and
Sunset," I told her. "Oh, honey," she knowingly replied, "we all do."
~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
Lucky is in the midst of a long dry spell in Las Vegas. Eventually he
gambles away all his money and has to borrow a quarter from another
gambler just to use the men's room. He finds a stall that happens to be
open and pockets the quarter.

Believing that his luck has finally changed, he puts the quarter in a
slot machine and hits the jackpot. He takes his winnings and goes to
the blackjack table and turns his modest winnings into a million
dollars.

Wealthy beyond his wildest dreams, Izzy goes on the lecture circuit,
where he tells his incredible story. He tells his audiences that he
will always be eternally grateful to his benefactor, and if he ever
finds the man he will share his fortune with him.

After months of speaking, a man in the audience jumps up and says, "I'm
that man. I was the one who gave you the quarter."

"Yes, I remember you well, but you aren't the one I'm
looking for. I mean the guy who left the door open!"
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+




~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
Several proofreaders were working together on Bill Clinton's new book
when the topic turned to the title, MY LIFE.

One proofreader turned to the other and asked, "Isn't that an 'f' in
lie?"
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
SEX ... The only activity where you start at the top and work your way
to the bottom, while getting a raise.
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Weird Fact :
The colour blue has a calming effect. It causes the brain to release calming hormones.
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
An Old Italian Mafia Don is dying. He calls
his grandson to his bedside.
"Grandson, I wanna you lissina to me. I wanna for you to taka my chrome plated .38 revolver so you will always remember
me."
"But grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about
you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"
"You lissina me. Somma day you gonna be runna da
business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money,
a big home and maybe a couple of bambinos.
"Somma day you gonna coma home and maybe finda
your wife inna bed with another man.
"Whatta you gonna do then... pointa to your watch
and say, Times Up?"
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
Ya gotta love this principal
According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was
recently faced with a unique problem.

A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put
it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick
they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip
prints.

Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls
would put them back.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all
the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She
explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the
custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the
maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned
the mirror with it.
Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror



Weird Fact :
Americans on average use about 580 pounds of paper per year per person.
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
My nine year old girl became so enamored of adventure tales that she
neglected everything to concentrate on reading. She would read
anything she could get her hands on. Her room became an unholy mess,
and all of her mother's exhortations fell on deaf ears. One
afternoon, however, my wife returned home to find our daughter's room
as spic-and-span as the operating theatre of a big hospital. Not one
thing was out of place. "How wonderful!" she exclaimed. "What got
into you?" "I've realized how important housework is," my daughter
informed her. "I read in the paper where two ladies got a year apiece
in jail, just for keeping a disorderly house."
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
A telephone man joined the Army. As part of his basic training, he
went out on the rifle range. He fired 99 shots at the target, and
missed the target with every shot! His Drill Instructor tried to find
out why. "What's the matter with you?" asked the DI. "Why can't you
hit the target? What were you in civilian life?" "I was a telephone
man," replied the new recruit, "and I don't know why I can't hit the
target. Let me see..." The telephone man checked his rifle, checked
his rifle again, and checked his rifle a third time. He then put h is
finger in front of the muzzle, pulled the trigger, and blew the end
of his finger off! "Well," the phone man said, writhing in pain,
"the bullets are leaving here fine. The trouble must be on the other
end!"
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
"We have created a monster, Doktor Frankenstein!" screeched Igor, the
doctor's right and left hand man, his little body quivering with
delight, and before the good doctor could stop him Igor waved various
human limbs and organs in the patchwork face of the giant, howling,
"Tell me, stranger, are you from these parts?"
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Little Conor William

A new teacher was trying to make use of her

psychology courses. She started her class by

saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand

up!"

After a few seconds, Little Conor William stood up.

The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little

Conor William?"

"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all

by yourself!"




**************
Little Conor William watched, fascinated, as his

mother smoothed cold cream on her face. "Why do you

do that, mommy?" he asked.

"To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then

began removing the cream with a tissue.

"What's the matter?" asked Little Conor

William. "Giving up?"

***************

A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers was concerned

that his students might be a little confused about

Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis

on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood

that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago,

that He grew up, etc.

So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?"

Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven."

Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart."

Little Conor William, waving his hand furiously,

blurted out, "I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!"

The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very

long seconds. Finally, he gathered his wits and asked

Little Conor William how he knew this.

Little Conor William said, "Well... every morning, my

father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and

yells, "Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!"


****************

The math teacher saw that little Conor William wasn't

paying attention in class. She called on him and

said, "Conor William! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and

44?"

Little Conor William quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO

and the Cartoon Network!"


***************

Little Conor William's kindergarten class was on a

field trip to their local police station where they

saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10

most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed

to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of

a wanted person.

"Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want very

badly to capture him."


Little Conor William asked, "Why didn't you keep him

when you took his picture?"

***************

Little Conor William attended a horse auction with

his father. He watched as his father moved from horse

to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's

legs, rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Conor

William asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?"

His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses,

I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good

shape before I buy."

Conor William, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think

the UPS guy wants to buy Mom."

No trees were killed in the sending of this

message. However, a large number of

electrons were terribly inconvenienced.



Henry Sanchez-Leal, M.D. (Dr.S-L)








Stadiums of the NFL-Your Ticket to Every NFL Stadium
http://www.stadiumsofnfl.com/
Welcome to The Frank Lloyd Wright Foundation
http://www.franklloydwright.org/
The House of Dracula - Monster Model Museum
http://hometown.aol.com/houseofdracula/
Orange County Choppers
http://www.orangecountychoppers.com/
Star Trek Inspirational Posters
http://echosphere.net/star_trek_insp/star_trek_insp.html

Blinkies
http://d21c.com/moonbud/blinkies/myfav.html
PC Cleaning Info
http://www.computerhope.com/cleaning.htm
Caverns of Scary Stuff
http://cavernsofblood.com/scarystuff.html

Windows FAQ's
http://www.symantec.com/techsupp/sp2/faq.html
Windows XP Service Pack 2 (SP2) Support Center
http://support.microsoft.com/default.aspx?pr=windowsxpsp2
Alluvus's Celestial Images
http://members.tripod.com/~alluvus/celestial.html
Free Browsers
http://www.techsupportalert.com/firefox.htmhttp://www.opera.com/


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Sunday's Editions

START YOUR DAY THE AMERICAN WAY

I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America
and to the republic for which it stands
-------------One Nation Under God---------------
Indivisible with liberty and justice for all

After reading many blogs, comments and articles throughout the www and watching the slanted baised news I thought I would find the definitions in this pledge that most of us know by heart. I am sure there are many schools of thoughts on this. However no where with in those four lines do I see a democracy mentioned. I see republic.

We are a Republic if we can keep it. Those were some sage words by a founder. Some of the problems as I see them is the men and women in Washington are failing to keep in touch with we the people. We the people have become complacent in our nations's business. We depend entirely to much on what we have created.

Jokes will follow below



1.Pledge: A solemn binding promise to do, give, or refrain from doing something:


al·le·giance:
1. Loyalty or the obligation of loyalty, as to a nation, sovereign, or cause.

1. republic - a political system in which the supreme power lies in a body of citizens who can elect people to represent them

Adj. 1. indivisible - impossible of undergoing division; "an indivisible union of states"; "one nation indivisible"

lib·er·ty (lbr-t)
n. pl. lib·er·ties
1.
a. The condition of being free from restriction or control.
b. The right and power to act, believe, or express oneself in a manner of one's own choosing.
c. The condition of being physically and legally free from confinement, servitude, or forced labor.

jus·tice (jsts)
n.
1. The quality of being just; fairness.
2.
a. The principle of moral rightness; equity.
b. Conformity to moral rightness in action or attitude; righteousness.
3.
a. The upholding of what is just, especially fair treatment and due reward in accordance with honor, standards, or law.

http://www.thefreedictionary.com/




The Top 5 Web Acronyms We'd Like to See
(Part I)

5> SIYW: Surprise! I'm your *WIFE*!

4> GGMHWTV: Gotta go, Mom's here with the vacuum.

3> LOTSMKPFGM: Logging off to sell my kid's plasma for gas money.

2> AIIOMGSTV: "American Idol" is on -- must go shoot television.

and Topfive.com's Number 1 Web Acronym We'd Like to See...

1> MDSYMSCAMANHH2YHWALS: My dad saw your MySpace comment about me
and now he's headed to your house with a loaded shotgun.

------

The Top 5 Rejected Slogans Promoting Abstinence

5> Don't think of it as less sex -- think of it as more time to
watch "Babylon 5" reruns.

4> You've come a long way, Baby -- for nothing!

3> Abstinence: No f**kin' way!

2> Spend a little time away from the orifice.

and Topfive.com's Number 1 Rejected Slogan Promoting Abstinence...

1> "Hello, this is President Clinton with an important
message for young people...."


------

The Top 5 Positive Aspects of a Scorching Heat Wave

5> Between Starbucks and the bus stop, your Frappuccino turns
into a 20-ounce espresso.

4> Easier to understand why those Middle Easterners are
so darn cranky.

3> Hollywood starlets don't have to worry about an attack
of RCPNS: Red Carpet Pokey Nipple Syndrome.

2> Grab the stick up Ann Coulter's ass and -- BOOM! --
instant Bitchsicle!

and Topfive.com's Number 1
Positive Aspect of a Scorching Heat Wave...

1> Al Gore starts development on the World Wide Refrigerator.


------

Rumination of the Day

I've decided to create a new bracelet
that people can wear to raise awareness
on the overuse of awareness bracelets.

(Sebastian P.)



Wanting to find out if both his wife and his mistress were being faithful to him, Gary decided to send them on the same cruise and question each one later about the other's behavior. When his wife returned, he asked her about people on the trip, casually inquiring about the passenger who was his mistress when she mentioned the woman. "Oh, that woman slept with nearly every man on the ship!" his wife reported. Unhappy with this information, Gary planned a rendezvous with his cheating mistress and decided to question her about the trip before confronting her with what he knew. Once again, he carefully inquired about the woman who was his wife after ascertaining that they had met. "She was a real lady," his mistress said. Gary's spirits picked up. "Why do you say that?" he asked. "She came on board with her husband and never left his side."
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
The following letter from the family's solicitor is addressed to a member of the British aristocracy who has been spending much of the summer in his residence in the south of France leaving his wife in the United Kingdom to look after the ancestral home. Dear Sir Royston, I hope you are having a good time on your holiday. I say this with sincerity because I am afraid that I have some bad news for you, although there is good news too. First the bad news. I am sorry to tell you that your favorite dog, Honey, is dead. The vet says that she died instantly and could have felt no pain. She was kicked in the head by your horse, Sherbert, though I'm sure that no blame can be attached to Sherbert, frightened as he was by the fire in the barn. I'm afraid that Sherbert was in the barn along with your other horses when it burnt to the ground. The fire brigade had been called within a short time of the barn catching fire and would normally have been able to put the fire out. Had it had not been for the fact that the tender crashed into your Bentley in the lane. Your wife had taken it out for a spin with your brother. As it was, both the tender and your Bently were written off. No blame can be attached to your wife for the accident I'm sure. The Bentley was stationary at the time and your wife was in the back seat of the car. She managed to escape death only due to the fact that your brother was lying on top of her at the time of the collision. The doctors say that given time she will regain her sight but that she will never walk again. She has also lost her memory and cannot even remember you. Your brother, unfortunately, was killed. I should explain how the barn came to be on fire in the first place. You see a spark from the house blew over and set the roof alight. The fire started in the main hall of the house where, as you know, your Mattisse and your Picasso once hung. I say 'once' because they are not there now. Fortunately neither of these paintings were damaged in the conflagration as they were stolen beforehand by the burglar who started the fire. Although all of this may seem to you very serious it is not in fact the bad news that I wrote of. Your wife and brother had been visiting your Insurance agent in prison where he is serving a three year sentence for fraud. I'm afraid that none of your insurance policies are valid. As I said, there is some good news. The heat from the fire warmed your greenhouse and brought your flowers on.
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
Try that!
A lady on a commuter train was reading a newspaper article about life and death statistics. Fascinated, she turned to the man next to her and asked, "Did you know that every time I breathe somebody dies?" "Really," he said, "have you tried mouthwash?"

+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
A couple of old cowboys (Sam and Bubba) were sitting in a bar having a drink (or two or three), doing what most old cowboys do; complaining about the heat, the cows and their wives. They weren't exactly the brightest guys, and neither were their comments. Every day they said pretty much the same thing. And it always ended in a pissing contest over who had the worst wife. Today though something was different. There was a wise looking elderly Indian Chief sitting at the bar. They decided to ask him to decide, who had the worst wife. The first man (Sam) complained that his wife was always arguing with him. No matter what he said, she always said the opposite. She didn't just say it either, she said it so loud that the neighbors complained. The old Chief listened attentively and then said, "If your wife was Indian, we would name her Fire-Water." Sam asked "Why would you call her Fire-Water?" The Indian Chief replied, "Every time she opens her mouth she breathes fire and your knees turn to water." The second man (Bubba) said "My wife is so bad that we haven't hadn't had physical relations in darn near twenty years." The chief again listened attentively and pronounced Bubba's wife as "Sleeping-Dragon." When Bubba asked why, the chief replied, "If you try to touch her while she is sleeping, she will become a dragon and bite your head off." Sam and Bubba had a good laugh over their wives new names. Then Sam asked, "Okay, them Indian names are pretty cool, but.... Who has the worst wife?" The chief replied, "I do." Bubba asked what the chiefs wife name was. The chief replied something along the lines of "Whumpo Havo Noja" Both Sam and Bubba looked very confused, and so the chief explained, "That's my wife's Indian name, it translates in English to "Three-Old-Horses." More puzzled than ever before Bubba asked, "Yeah, but what does it (Three-Old-Horses) mean? The chief sighed, took a sip of his beer and said , "Nag, Nag, Nag."





When the power mower was broken and wouldn't run. I kept hinting to my husband that he ought to get it fixed, but somehow the message never sank in. Finally, though, I thought of a clever way to make my point. When my husband arrived home that day, he found me seated out in the yard in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. He watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. He was gone only a few moments, when he came out again he handed me a toothbrush. "When you finish cutting the grass," he said, "you might as well sweep the sidewalk too." The doctors say he will probably live, but I can guarantee you, it will be quite a while before those casts come off!"
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
There was a much married woman who walked into a bridal shop one day and told the sales clerk that she was looking for a wedding gown for her fourth wedding. "Well", replied the sales clerk, "exactly what type of dress are you looking for?" The bride to be said, "A long, frilly white dress with a veil." The sales clerk didn't know quite what to say but she finally said, "Frankly, madam, gowns of that nature are considered more appropriate for brides who are being married the first time -- for those who are a bit more innocent, if you know what I mean." "Well" replied the customer, more than a little put out. "I can assure you that I am as innocent as the rest of them. Believe it or not, despite all my marriages, I remain as innocent as any first time bride." "You see, my first husband was so excited about our wedding he died as we were checking into our hotel. My second husband and I got into a terrible fight in the limo on our way to the reception and have not spoken since. We had that wedding annulled immediately." "What about your third husband?" asked the sales clerk. "Well" said the woman, "he was a Democrat and every night for four years he just sat on the edge of the bed and told me how good it was going to be." " But this time I am marring an attorney, I KNOW I'll get screwed this time!!"
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
A fellow went to his doctor complaining that his asshole was feeling terribly sore. The doctor asked him to drop his drawers and bend over so he could take a look. "It's amazing!" the doctor said, as he pulled a $20 bill from the fellow's anus. Another $20 bill appeared behind the first one, so the doctor pulled it out, too. And then another! And another! And many more. Finally, the doctor had pulled the whole pile of $20 bills from the fellow's ass, and began to count it. (I sure hope that the doctor doesn't lick his thumb when he counts money) The doctor mentioned, "There was $1980 stuck in your anus!" And the fellow replied, "I knew I wasn't feeling two grand!"

+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Asian women have always been exotic. Two guys were arguing about the correct orientation of Japanese women's sex organs. One said that Japanese women have theirs going from side to side, while the other said it goes vertical just like everybody else. The argument went on like this for hours until they decided to settle it once and for all by going to another friend who has a Japanese wife. Surely, he should know! After being told the subject of the argument, the friend quickly said, "Vertical, just like everybody else, and I'll prove it!" Although suspecting that the duo would just feast their eyes on his wife's pussy, he called his wife anyway, and she appeared from the second-floor bedroom. "Honey, take off your panties and slide down the banister" Like a good, obedient wife, she obliged and mounted the banister. On the way down, there was a long screeeeeech, and she landed on the floor. "See? Didn't I tell you guys that its vertical just like everybody else?" The two scratched their heads in wonder. What did that prove? "If it were horizontal, the sound would have been, blub, blub, blub, blub..."
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#




Weird Fact :
By weight, the sun is 70% hydrogen, 28% helium, 1.5% carbon, nitrogen, and oxygen, and 0.5% all other elements.
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
Bubba, a furniture dealer from Princeton, West Virginia, decided to expand the line of furniture in His store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could find in good furrin' stuff. After arriving in Paris, he met with some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell very well back home in West Virginia. To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small Bistro and have a glass of that French wine that he had heard so much about. As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house. Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table, asked him something in French (which he did not understand), and motioned toward the chair. He gestured for her to sit down. He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language so, after a couple of minutes of trying to communicat e with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, and he ordered a glass of wine for her. After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. They left the Bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music. They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up. Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed. . . . . And, to this day, Bubba has no idea how she figured out that he was in the furniture business.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
A blonde is taking the driving portion of her driver's license exam. She handles most of the maneuvers quite well. However, she has a little trouble parallel parking, and winds up a about a foot from the curb. "Could you get a little closer?" the examiner asks. The blonde then unbuckles her seat belt and slides over toward the examiner and asks, "OK, sir... Now what?"
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
It was the finish line of the Boston marathon. A first time runner is hobbling away, having just finished. A grizzled old marathoner looks at him and says "You'll feel a lot worse tomorrow." He pauses and then says, "But the REALLY bad news is that in about 3 days, you're going to think you had fun today!"
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Working as a court reporter, I hear to a lot of testimony that you won't hear on LAW AND ORDER, including the following give-and-take between the judge and a mother during a paternity suit. Judge: "Was this child born out of wedlock?" Mother: "No, sir, just outside of Louisville."




~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
Bob had been married 25 years. He took a look at his wife one day
and said, "Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap
car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV,
but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25-year-old blond. Now, we
have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm
sleeping with a 50-year-old woman. It seems to me that you are not
holding up your side of things." His wife was a very reasonable
woman. She told him to go out and find a hot 25-year-old blond, and
she would make sure that he would once again be living in a cheap
apartment, driving a cheap car and sleeping on a sofa bed.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
The family had finally gotten their first dishwasher. The father
liked to inspect every new thing that cam into the house, so he
stayed in the kitchen and watched the display count down all forty-
four minutes of the dish washing cycle. Suddenly he called out for
his wife, shouting, "It's useless, the dishwasher is useless!" The
wife was amazed that the newest appliance could be broken after only
one use, but he insisted that because they had a water softener, the
dishwasher was useless. She decided to look for herself, and there it
was, on the inside door, next to the detergent dispenser: USE LESS
WITH SOFT WATER.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
The orchestra conductor was missing some players in his string
section and was desperate to fill the positions before the concert
began. Just before the last rehearsal he went out the back door and
into the alley behind the concert hall. There he "hooked up" with
some very strange women of the night. He returned with two hideous
creatures whose horrid faces and wings were very disturbing to the
other players, but they were musicians of obvious talon. Nobody knew
how he did it so quickly, but in that short time outside in the alley
he somehow had contracted harpies.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
A career military man, who had retired as a corporal, was telling the
younger men how he handled officers during his years of service. "It
didn't matter a hoot if he was a Major General, an Admiral, or the
Commander-in-Chief. I always told those guys exactly where to get
off." "Wow, you musta been something," the admiring young soldiers
remarked. "What was your job in the service?" "Elevator operator in
the Pentagon."



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Saturday, August 12, 2006

No Aide


I have been working on what I love to do and that is gather jokes to post. There are times when I can picture the faces of some dear bloggers as they sit with the morning cup and read the jokes. I actually have a goal of putting out a page that will make someone smile. Even if it is just one person its worth my time.

While working on my pages I found this: Yahoo-Pictures_war As I looked at the photos my heart sank. More of the same once you get into it. Doctored pictures. Even my untrained eye can catch the every so often fake.
As I looked at Pictures of protesters here. I thought "wonder why they don't go home to say these things." Then it was a redneck answer heres ya sign.
They dont' have ass enough to go back and say these things there.

But I have to say this. Every time you burn my flag I send a letter to my Reps saying no aide. NoAide. They have no respect for us. We don't need to support them. Do you understand me. Every time you are burning my flag and walking on the icons I love.
I am voicing my thoughts and encouraging my friends and family to do the same.
NO AIDE FOR TERRORIST NATIONS.
It is an easy thing. Contact my reps. Bush may ask they can say NO!!!


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Wierd News Round Up

Artic thawed in prehistoric global warming UUUhhhemmmmmmmm Hey Al what happenned 55 million years ago. Who polluted then?

What's the myth of the hanging Munchkin? Just Wierd.
Strange Russian Holes in the Ground
Penguins corralled on Texas highway
Hungry Ghosts Overrun China
Cypriots out searching for phantom monkey beggar
Mole Man of Hackney is ordered to stop digging
Evolution Reversed In Mice
Jon Ronson investigates the Indigo kids
Mexico pilots release 'UFO film'
Ancient Dagger found in Bulgaria


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JUDGE FLORO

I am not sure how to approach this one. JudgeFloro has made the news again.

Dismissed judge, elfin pals claim immortality
By Armand NocumInquirer

Last updated 02:42am (Mla time) 08/06/2006
Published on page A1 of the
August 6, 2006 issue of the Philippine Daily Inquirer

Judge Floro contacted me after I posted a link to a story in my WierdNewsRoundup back in May. At the time I posted it I made no comment on this story. Later after posting one of his many emails to me. I told him that I would give him equal time on my blog should he wish to write a post and/or wish to guest blog it here.
He sent other emails with tons of links to many publications on the net. However he has never sent anything to publish on this blog. He is very articulate in his emails. He seems very normal.

I live my life by the puddin test.
DO AS YOU WILL HARM NONE
I will not question several things that others study. As long as it meets the puddin test.
DO AS YOU WILL HARM NONE
Religion, Occult, Paranormal events, UfO people, Cryptozoology.

I will question anyone's intent when it does not meet the puddin test.
DO AS YOU WILL HARM NONE.
That includes politics, religion occult, paranormals, UfO stuff, and free speech that endangers a free people.

I do not live in the Philippines nor do I know this man. I have no clue how he ruled from the bench. Once again I am extending an invitation to him to contact me and publish his side of the story and not a bunch of links written by others.


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Think Snow

~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
Rules of Being a Guy

1.. Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed
and eaten by his fellow partygoers.
2.. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
3.. It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances: a. When a
heroic dog dies to save it's master b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts
unbuttoning her blouse c. After wrecking your boss' Ferrari
4.. Acceptable excuse for not helping a friend move: Your legs have been
severed in a freak accident.
5.. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits
forever, unless you actually marry her.
6.. Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out
of jail within 12 hours.
7.. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for a guy who's running
late is 5 minutes. Maximum.
8.. Complaining about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is
forbidden.
9.. Gripe at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
10.. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another
man. (in fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional).
11.. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may
always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's
playing.
12.. It is permissible to quaff a fruity chick drink only when you're
sunning on a tropical beach....and it's delivered by a topless
supermodel...and it's free.
13.. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
14.. Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
15.. If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem - you didn't see
nothing.
16.. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies
until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a
buffalo wing clean.
17.. You must offer heartfelt and public condolences over the death of a
girlfriend's cat, even if it was you who secretly set it on fire and threw
it into a ceiling fan.
18.. Never join your girlfriend or wife in dissing a buddy of yours,
except if she's withholding sex pending your response.
19.. Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing:
both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an
almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.
20.. You cannot rat out a coworker who shows up at work with a massive
hangover. You may however, hide the aspirin, smear his chair with limburger
cheese, turn the brightness dial all the way down so he thinks his monitor
is broken, and have him paged over the loudspeaker every seven minutes.

+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
One day while on patrol, a police officer pulled over a car for
speeding. He went up to the car and asked the driver to roll down her
window. The first thing he noticed, besides the nice red sports car, was
how hot the driver was! Drop dead blonde, the works.

"I've pulled you over for speeding, Ma'me.... could I see your drivers
license...?"

"...What's a license...???" replied the blonde, instantly giving away
the fact that she was as dumb as a stump..

"It's usually in your wallet..." replied the officer. After fumbling
for a few minutes, the driver managed to find it.

"Now may I see your registration..." asked the cop.

"Registration..... what's that.....?" asked the blonde. "It's usually
in your glove compartment..." said the cop impatiently.

After some more fumbling, she found the registration. "I'll
be back in a minute..." said the cop and walked back to his car. The
officer phoned into the dispatch to run a check on the woman's license
and registration. After a few moments, the dispatcher came back;

"Ummm.... is this woman driving a red sports car?"

"Yes...." replied the officer

"Is she a drop dead gorgeous blonde?" asked the dispatcher

"Uh... yes" replied the cop.

"Here's what you do...." said the dispatcher. "Give her the stuff back,
and drop your pants..."

"WHAT!!? I can't do that. Its..... inappropriate..." exclaimed the cop.

"Trust me..... just do it...." said the dispatcher.

So the cop goes back to the car, gives back the license and registration
and drops his pants, just as the dispatcher said.

The blonde looks down and sighs..... "Ohh no... not ANOTHER
breathalyzer.."
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
A guy was trying to console a friend who'd just found his wife in bed
with another man.

"Get over it, buddy," he said. "It's not the end of the world."

"That's all right for you to say," answered his buddy. "But what if you
came home one night and caught another man in bed with your wife?"

The fella ponders for a moment, then says, "I'd break his cane and kick
his seeing-eye dog in the ass."

Two car salesmen were sitting at the bar.

One complained to the other, "Boy, business sucks. If I don't sell more
cars this month, I'm going to lose my fucking ass."

Too late he noticed a beautiful blonde, sitting two stools away.
Immediately, he offered apologies for his use of bad language.

"That's okay," the blonde replied, "I have a very similar problem... If
I don't sell more ass this month, I'm going to lose my fucking car."
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+




Ski Season
----------

Ski season is here! Hence, the following list of exercises to get you
prepared:

16. Visit your local butcher and pay $30 to sit in the walk-in freezer
for a half an hour. Afterwards, burn two $50 dollar bills to warm up.

15. Soak your gloves and store them in the freezer after every use.

14. Fasten a small, wide rubber band around the top half of your head
before you go to bed each night.

13. If you wear glasses, begin wearing them with glue smeared on the
lenses.

12. Throw away a hundred dollar bill-now.

11. Find the nearest ice rink and walk across the ice 20 times in your
ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, accessory bag and poles. Pretend
you are looking for your car. Sporadically drop things.

10. Place a small but angular pebble in your shoes, line them with
crushed ice, and then tighten a C-clamp around your toes.

9. Buy a new pair of gloves and immediately throw one away.

8. Secure one of your ankles to a bedpost and ask a friend to run into
you at high speed.

7. Go to McDonald's and insist on paying $8.50 for a hamburger. Be sure
you are in the longest line.

6. Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride a motorcycle
fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face.

5. Drive slowly for five hours - anywhere - as long as it's in a
snowstorm and you're following an 18-wheeler.

4. Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray blast
your face. Leave the ice on your face until it melts. Let it drip into
your clothes.

3. Dress up in as many clothes as you can and then proceed to take them
off because you have to go to the bathroom.

2. Slam your thumb in a car door. Don't go see a doctor.

1. Repeat all of the above every Saturday and Sunday until it's time for
the real thing!
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
Redneck

How To Tell If You're A HIGH-TECH REDNECK

You take your net-connected cell phone to the outhouse to read your
eMail
Your eMail address ends in ".over.yonder.com"
Your computer is worth more than all your cars combined
Your presence on the World Wide Web is a "Down Home Page"
You tripled the value of your truck by installing a portable DVD You
trim the kudzu back from your trailer so it won't mess up your DSL You
ever refer to your computer as "Ole Bessy" Your screen saver is a bitmap
image of your favorite tractor You start all your eMails with the words
"Howdy!" You can fix a trolling motor with a set of PC tools You've ever
used a CD-ROM as a coaster to set your drink can on The bumper sticker
on your truck says "My other computer is a laptop" You know that a
'network' has nothing to do with fishin' Your baseball cap has an Intel
logo instead of "CAT" There's Bondo on your keyboard You keep inventory
of your truck parts, fishin' lures and country music
tapes in Excel
You've got every font ever made that looks like Old West signs or wood
plank
fencing installed on your computer
You have "Free Bird" and "Achy Breaky Heart" on the MP3 player in your
truck
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
ESP

Tired of having to balance his wife Cindy's checkbook,
Mike made a deal with her; he would look at it, but
only after she had spent a few hours trying to wrestle
it into shape.
The following night, after spending hours poring over
stubs and figures, Cindy said proudly, "I've done it!
I made it balance!"
Impressed, Mike came over to take a look. "Let's
see... mortgage 550.00, electricity 70.50, phone
35.00." His brow wrinkled as he read the last entry.
"It says here ESP, $615. What the heck is that?"
"Oh," she said, "That means, Error Some Place!"
*************************




~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
A Republican and a Democrat were walking down the street when they came
to a homeless person. The Republican gave the homeless person his
business card and told him to come to his business for a job. He then
took twenty dollars out of his pocket and gave it to the homeless
person.

The Democrat was very impressed, and when they came to another homeless
person, he decided to help. He walked over to the homeless person and
gave him directions to the welfare office. He then reached into the
Republican's pocket and got out twenty dollars. He kept $15 for
administrative fees and gave
the homeless person five.

+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
A fisherman's wife was sitting on the bank of a river when
along came the ranger and said "Excuse me madam
but I need to speak to your husband. Can you tell me where
he is?" She replied, pointing to a clump of reeds. "Go over
there and look for the pole with a worm on both ends."
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
After buying her kids a pet hamster, after
they PROMISED they would take care of it,
Mom, as usual, ended up with the
responsibility.

One evening, exasperated, she asked
them, "How many times do you think
that hamster would have died if I hadn't
looked after it?"

After a moment, her youngest 5 year old
son replied quizzically, "Er.... Once?"

A little sure fire kid wisdom:
Never tell your mom her diet's not
working.
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
WHERE DO REDHEAD BABIES COME FROM?


After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the obstetrician "Doctor," the man said, "I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine."

"Nonsense," the doctor said. "Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool."

"It isn't possible," the man insisted. "This can't be, our families on both sides had jet-black hair for generations."

"Well," said the doctor, "let me ask you this. How often do you have sex?"

The man seemed a bit ashamed. "I've been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice every few months."

"Well, there you have it!" The doctor said confidently. "It's rust.

~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
Am on the Computer, and it's only 12:15 WOW! Haven't been on enough to take care of all the Fwds, and I have a rather large list! Gotta go work, C.U.L. Friends.
This is from Sharon in OR
Here's a new idea . . .A win, win, win, solution:
1. Dig a moat the length of the Mexican border.
2. Take the dirt from the moat to fix and raise the levies in New Orleans.
3. Put the Florida alligators in the moat.
Are there any other problems you would like for me to solve?





A Simple Mistake

It is with regret and haste that I write this letter to you, regret that
such a small misunderstanding could lead to the following circumstances,
and haste in order that you will get this report before you form your
own pre-conceived opinions from reports in the world press, for I am
sure that they will tend to over dramatize the affair. We had just
picked up the pilot and the apprentice had returned from changing the G
flag for the H and, it being his first trip, was having difficulty
rolling the G flag up, I therefore proceeded to show him how. Coming to
the last part, I told him to ``let go'', the lad although willing is not
too bright, necessitating my having to repeat the order in a sharper
tone.

At this moment the chief officer appeared from the chart room, having
been plotting the vessel's progress and, thinking that it was the
anchors that were being referred to, repeated the ``let go'' to the
third officer on the fo'cstle. The port anchor having been cleared away
but not walked out, was promptly let go. The effect of letting the
anchor drop from the ``pipe'' while the vessel was proceeding at full
harbor speed proved too much for the windlass brake, and the entire
length of the port cable was pulled out ``by the roots''. I fear that
the damage to the chain locker may be extensive. The braking effect of
the port anchor naturally caused the vessel to sheer in that direction,
right towards the swing bridge that spans the tributary to the river up
which we were proceeding.

The swing bridge operator showed great presence of mind by opening the
bridge for my vessel. Unfortunately, he did not think to stop vehicular
traffic, the result being that the bridge partly opened and deposited a
Volkswagen, two cyclists, and a cattle truck on the foredeck. My ship's
company are at present rounding up the contents of the latter, which
from the noise I would say were pigs. In his efforts to stop the
progress of the vessel, the third officer dropped the starboard anchor,
too late to be of practical use, for it fell on the swing bridge
operator's control cabin.

After the port anchor was let go and the vessel started to sheer, I gave
a double ring full astern on the engine room telegraph and personally
rang the engine room to order maximum astern revolutions. I was
informed that the sea temperature was 53 degs and asked if there was a
film tonight. My reply would not add constructively to this report.

Up to now I have confined my report to the activities at the forward end
of the vessel. Down aft they were having their own problems. At the
moment the port anchor was let go, the second officer was supervising
the making fast of the after tug and was lowering the ship's towing
spring down onto the tug.

The sudden braking effect on the port anchor caused the tug to run in
under the stern of my vessel just at the moment when the propellers was
answering my double ring full astern. The prompt action of the second
officer in securing the inboard end of the towing spring delayed the
sinking of the tug by some minutes, and thereby the safe abandoning of
that vessel.

It is strange but at the very same moment of letting go the port anchor
there was a power cut ashore. The fact that we were passing over a
cable area at that time might suggest we may have touched something on
the riverbed. It is perhaps lucky that the high tension cables brought
down by the foremast were not live, possibly being replaced by the
underwater cable, but owing to the shore blackout, it is impossible to
say where the pylon fell.

It never fails to amaze me the actions and behavior of foreigners during
moments of minor crisis. The pilot for instance is at this moment
huddled in the corner of my day cabin alternately crooning to himself
and crying after having consumed a bottle of gin in a time that is
worthy of inclusion

in the Guinness Book of Records.

The tug captain on the other hand reacted violently and, had to be
forcibly restrained by the steward, who has him handcuffed in the ship's
hospital, where he is telling me to do impossible things with my ship
and my crew.

I enclose the names and addresses of the drivers and insurance companies
of the vehicles on my foredeck, which the third officer collected after
his somewhat hurried evacuation of the fo'cstle. These particulars will
enable us to claim for the damage that they did to the railing of the
no. 1 hold.

I am enclosing this preliminary report for I am finding it difficult to
concentrate with the sound of police sirens and their flashing lights.
It is sad to think that had the apprentice realized that there is no
need to fly pilot flags after dark, none of this would have happened.
For weekly accountability report I will assign the following casualty
numbers T/750101 to T/750119 inclusive.

Yours truly Master



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Some Funnies and well.......


Superior Health Insurance
ATTN: Claims Review
1423 W. 90th St.
New York, NY 05016

Dear Sir:

This letter is in response to your recent letter requesting a
more detailed explanation concerning my recent internment at
Methodist Hospital.

Specifically, you asked for an expansion in reference to Block
21(a)(3) of the claim form (reason for hospital visit). On the
original form, I put "Stupidity". I realize now that this answer
was somewhat vague and so I will attempt to more fully explain
the circumstances leading up to my hospitalization.

I had needed to use the restroom and had just finished a quick bite
to eat at the local burger joint. I entered the bathroom, took care
of my business, and just prior to the moment in which I had planned
to raise my trousers, the locked case that prevents theft of the
toilet paper in such places came undone and, feeling it striking
my knee, unthinkingly, I immediately, and with unnecessary force,
returned the lid back to its normal position.

Unfortunately, as I did this I also turned and certain parts of my
body, which were still exposed, were trapped between the device's
lid and its main body. Feeling such intense and immediate pain
caused me to jump back. It quickly came to my attention that,
when one's privates are firmly attached to an immovable object,
it is not a good idea to jump in the opposite direction.

Upon recovering some of my senses, I attempted to reopen the
lid. However, my slamming of it had been sufficient to allow the
locking mechanism to engage. I then proceeded to get a hold on
my pants and subsequently removed my keys from them. I intended
to try to force the lock of the device open with one of my keys;
thus extracting myself.

Unfortunately, when I attempted this, my key broke in the lock.

Embarrassment of someone seeing me in this unique position became
a minor concern, and I began to call for help in as much of a calm
and rational manner as I could. An employee from the restaurant
quickly arrived and decided that this was a problem requiring the
attention of the store manager.

Betty, the manager, came quickly. She attempted to unlock the
device with her keys. Since I had broken my key off in the device,
she could not get her key in. Seeing no other solution, she called
the EMS (as indicated on your form in block 21(b)(1)).

After approximately 15 minutes, the EMS arrived, along with
two police officers, a fire-rescue squad, and the channel 4
''On-the-Spot'' news team. The guys from the fire department
quickly took charge as this was obviously a rescue operation.

The senior member of the team discovered that the device was
attached with bolts to the cement wall that could only be reached
once the device was unlocked. (His discovery was by means of
tearing apart the device located in the stall next to the one
that I was in. (Since the value of the property destroyed in his
examination was less than $50 (my deductible) I did not include it
in my claim.) His partner, who seemed like an intelligent fellow
at the time, came up with the idea of cutting the device from the
wall with the propane torch that was in the rescue truck.

The fireman went to his truck, retrieved the torch, and commenced
to attempt to cut the device from the wall. Had I been in a state
to think of such things, I might have realized that in cutting the
device from the wall several things would also inevitably happen.

First, the air inside of the device would quickly heat up,
causing items inside the device to suffer the same effects that
are normally achieved by placing things in an oven. Second, the
metal in the device is a good conductor of heat causing items that
are in contact with the device to react as if thrown into a hot
skillet. And, third, molten metal would shower the inside of the
device as the torch cut through.

The one bright note of the propane torch was that it did manage to
cut, in the brief time that I allowed them to use it, a hole big
enough for a small pry bar to be placed inside of the device. The
EMS team then loaded me, along with the device, into the waiting
ambulance as stated on your form.

Due the small area of your block 21(a)(3), I was unable to give
a full explanation of these events, and thus used the word which
I thought best described my actions that led to my hospitalization.

Sincerely, (name withheld)
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#




Rumination of the Day

For me, the hardest part of breaking up
with a girl is convincing her we were
actually dating in the first place.

------

As you've probably heard by now, actor/director
Mel Gibson was charged with driving under the
influence for an incident in Malibu last Friday
in which he screamed obscenities and anti-Semitic
statements at the arresting officers, as
well as calling one female cop "sugar-tits."
We wonder what's next for Mel's showbiz career.


The Top 5 Proposed Movies Starring Mel Gibson
(Part I)

5> MADD Mel: Beyond Thunderbird

4> Malice & Vomit

3> Dude, Where's My Swastika?

2> Ten Things I Hate About Jews

and Topfive.com's Number 1 Proposed Movie Starring Mel Gibson...

1> Brainfart

------

The Top 5 Proposed Movies Starring Mel Gibson
(Part II)

5> An Inconvenient Vermouth

4> The Sixth Shot

3> 2006: A S'faced Odyssey

2> The Crashin' of the Chrysler

and Topfive.com's Number 1 Proposed Movie Starring Mel Gibson...

1> Jew, Me and Drambuie

------

Rumination of the Day

If I ever release an album, I'm going to
title it "10 Million German Hasselhoff Fans
Can't Be Wrong." You know those crazy Germans will buy
anything with that guy's name on it,
and then I'll have an even bigger laugh with
the leadoff single, "Oh Yes, They Freakin' *Can*!"

+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+





~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
Rumination of the Day

Following surgery I had a near-death
experience, but ultimately convinced my
raging wife the nurse was merely checking my blood
pressure "the old fashioned way."

(Tidewater Joe)

------

The Top 5 Bad Romance Novel Metaphors or Similes

5> He Beatty-ed her shamelessly, making her squeal like Ned
and hallucinate like Warren.

4> He awoke my slumbering womanhood with his double tall loin
latte. "Starbuck!" I cried.

3> His chest was her pillow, and oh, did she drool.

2> Claire felt swept away by this dark stranger, a helpless dust
bunny in the roaring cacophony of his gas-powered leaf blower.

and Topfive.com's Number 1 Bad Romance Novel Metaphor or Simile...

1> His finger, weathered and rough from years on the ranch,
danced in and out of his nose like a slimy ballerina.


------

Rumination of the Day

You had me at "filthy rich nymphomaniac
former Playmate daughter of a brewery owner."

(Lee Entrekin)


------

During our recent hiatus, I had a great time
attending my 75-year high school reunion
in Sugar Land, Texas. (Go Mighty Vikings!)

Sweet: I learned a girlfriend of mine was once arrested
for carving "I love Chris White" on a water tower.

Bizarre: *I* was also once arrested for carving
"I love Chris White" on a water tower.

The Top 5 Signs Your High School Reunion Is Going Badly

5> Although it sounds loftier, "Food Service Boiler Operations
Chief" is just Wendy's-speak for "French Fry Guy."

4> The bar is run by the lunch ladies and the only drinks are
Salisbury-steak coladas, sloppy Joe-tinis, and fish-stick sours.

3> Your toupee falls off while dancing to Foghat.

2> Your wife finds out from your former FFA buddies that your
"little problem playing the ponies" didn't have anything to do
with gambling after all.

and Topfive.com's Number 1 Sign Your
High School Reunion Is Going Badly...

1> All the guys keep hitting you up for lap dances -- on your
night off!

------

Rumination of the Day

You have to start stories off the right
way. Like, can you imagine how much funnier the bible
would have been if Eve had been made from Adam's butt?
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Weird Fact :
Airports that are at higher altitudes require a longer airstrip due to lower air density.
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#




A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings are the only animals that stutter", she says. A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered", she volunteered. The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident. "Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the rottweiler who lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!" "That must've been scary", said the teacher. "It sure was", said the little girl. "My kitty went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'... and before he could say "F88k," the rottweiler ate him!"

+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
A Chicano widower who never paid any attention to his wife while she was
alive now found himself missing her desperately. He went to a psychic to
see if he could contact his late wife.
The psychic went into a trance. A strange breeze wafted through
the darkened room, and suddenly, the man heard the unmistakable voice of
his dearly departed wife.
"Honey!" he cried. "Is that you?"
"Yes, my husband."
"Are you happy?"
"Yes, my husband."
"Happier than you were with me?"
"Yes, my husband."
"Then Heaven must be an amazing place!"
"It is! Trust me, it is!"
"I do have one question for you, my snookums."
"Yes, my love, what is it?"
"When did you learn to speak English so perfectly!?"
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
On an airplane, I overheard a stewardess talking to an elderly couple in
front of me. Learning that it was the couple's 50th wedding anniversary,
the flight attendant congratulated them and asked how they had done it.

"It all felt like five minutes..." the gentleman said slowly. The
stewardess had just begun to remark on what a sweet statement that was
when he finished his sentence with a word that earned him a sharp smack
on the head: "..underwater."

~~~~~

My friend's husband always teases her about her lack of interest in
household chores. One day he came home with a gag gift, a refrigerator
magnet that read: "Martha Stewart doesn't live here."

The next day he came home to find the magnet holding up a
slip of paper. The note read:
"Neither does Bob Vila."

~~~~~

Two trucks loaded with a thousand copies of Roget's Thesaurus collided
as they left a New York publishing house last Thursday, according to the
Associated Press.
Witnesses were stunned, startled, aghast, taken aback, stupefied,
astonished, astounded, mesmerized....
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
Flight fifty has a pretty rough time above the ocean. Suddenly a voice
comes over the intercom: "Ladies and gentlemen, please fasten your seat
belts and assume crash positions. We have lost our engines and we are
trying to put this baby as gentle as possible down on the water".

"Oh stewardess! Are there any sharks in the ocean below?" asks a little
old lady, terrified.

"Yes, I'm afraid there are some. But not to worry, we have a special gel
in the bottle next to your chair designed especially for emergencies
like this. Just rub the gel onto your arms and legs".

"And if I do this, the sharks won't eat me any more?" asks the little
lady.

"Oh, they will eat you all right, only they won't enjoy it so much".

*************************


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