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Monday, September 05, 2005

Picking on Texas






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On a senior citizen bus tour, the driver was surprised.

While the passengers were unloading, to do some sightseeing,

one elderly lady stopped and whispered in his ear,

"Driver, I believe that I was sexually harassed!"
The driver didn't think much of this complaint, but promised he would check into it soon.
Later, that very same day, as the passengers were unloading again,

a second little old lady bent down and whispered in his ear,

"Sir, I believe I was sexually harassed!"
This time, he knew it had to be taken care of soon.

A few passengers had remained on the bus, and he decided to go back and question them,

to see if they had any knowledge of what was going on.
He found one little old man crawling along the bus floor underneath the seats

and stooped down to question him. "Excuse me, sir, could I help you?"
The elderly man looked up and said, "Well, sonny, you sure can.
I've lost my toupee and I'm trying to find it.

I thought I'd located it twice, but they were parted in the middle,

and mine's parted on the side!"

***********************************************************************************
Armadillos sleep in the middle of the road with all four feet in the air.

There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 live in Texas.

There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 live in Texas, plus a few no one has ever seen before.

Raccoons will test your melon crop and let you know when they are ripe.

If it grows, it will stick you. If it crawls, it will bite you!

Nothing will kill a mesquite tree.

There are valid reasons some people put razor wire around their house.

A tractor is NOT an all terrain vehicle. They do get stuck.

The wind blows at 90 mph from Oct 2 till June 25; then it stops totally until October 2.

Onced and twiced are words.

Coldbeer is one word.

People actually grow and eat okra.

Green grass DOES burn.

When you live in the country you don't have to buy a dog City people drop them off at your front gate in the middle of the night

The sound of coyotes howling at night only sounds good for the first few weeks.

When a buzzard sits on the fence and stares at you, it's time to see a doctor.

Fix-in-to is one word.

There ain't no such thing as "lunch". There is only dinner and then there's supper.

"Sweetened ice tea" is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you are two.

Backwards and forwards means I know everything about you.

"Jeet?" is actually a phrase meaning, "did you eat?"

You don't have to wear a watch because it doesn't matter what time it is.

You work until you're done or it's too dark to see.

You measure distance in minutes.

You can switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.

Stores don't have bags, they have sacks.

You see a car with the engine running in the Wal-mart parking lot with no one in it, no mater what time of the year.

All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit or a vegetable.

You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.

You carry jumper cables for your own car.

You know what "cow tipping" and "snipe hunting" are.

You only have four spices in your kitchen: Salt, Pepper, Catsup, and Tabasco.

You think everyone from north of Dallas has an accent.

Sexy underwear is a tee shirt and boxer shorts.

The local papers covers national and international news on one page but requires six pages to cover Friday night high school football.

The first day of deer season is a national holiday.

You know which leaves make good toilet paper.

You find 100 degrees a "tad" warm.

All four seasons are: Almost summer, summer, still summer and Christmas.

You know whether another Texan is from East, West, North, or South Texas as soon as he opens his mouth.

Going to Wal-mart is a favorite past-time known as "goin Wal-Martin" or "off to Wally-world."

You describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees) as good chili weather.

A carbonated soft drink isn't a soda, cola, or pop.... It's a Coke regardless of brand or flavor.

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