This was too cute not to share
1. When I say move, it means go someplace else. It does not mean
switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way.
2. The dishes on the floor are yours and contain your food. All other
dishes are mine and contain my food. (Please note: placing a paw print
in the middle of my dinner does not stake your claim on it, nor do I find it
aesthetically pleasing in any way.)
3. The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack.
Beating me to the bottom is not the objective. Tripping me doesn't help
because I fall faster than you can run.
4. I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. Locate your inner
beast and remember that sleeping animals can actually curl up in a ball,
so it is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out
to the fullest extent possible.
5. My CD's are not miniature Frisbees.
6. For the last time, humans like to use the bathroom alone. If by some
miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it won't help
to claw, whine, meow, bite the knob, or get your paw under the edge and
try to pull the door open. (Trust me. I have been using the bathroom for
years... canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.)
7. When you see me asleep on the couch, it is not funny to make a sudden
leap onto my stomach and drop a chew toy, bone or jingle ball on my crotch,
no matter how much that makes other family members laugh.
8. Dog: Don't think for a minute that making a sad face and whimpering
pathetically will get you out of trouble when I find a puddle of
pee on the carpet. The face and the whimpering only validate that you knew
it was wrong when you did it.
9. Cat: My sitting down to bite into a juicy sandwich is not a signal for
you to begin gagging loudly and then hocking up the most disgusting
hairball in history.
10. Dog and Cat: The proper order is kiss me, then go lick yourself. I
cannot stress this enough.
Finally, to pacify you both, I have posted the following message on our
Rules for Non Pet Owners Who Visit and Complain About Our Pets:
1. They live here; you don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
3. I like my pet better than I like most people.
4. To you it's an animal. To me, it's is an adopted child who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and is speech challenged.
5. Dogs and cats are better than kids.
They eat less, are easier to train, usually come when called, don't ask for money, never drive your car, don't hang out with losers, don't drink or smoke, don't worry about the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, and don't need a gazillion dollars for college. And if they get pregnant, you can sell the results.