A man calls his mother in Florida. "Mom, how are you?""Not too good," says the mother. "I've been very weak."The son says, "Why are you so weak?"She says, "Because I haven't eaten in38 days."The man says,"That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?"The mother answers,"Because I didn't want my mouth to be full of food if you should call."
Shortly after reporting to the 101st Airborne Division, we were ordered to fall out in our dress uniforms. Only problem was, I didn't know howto tie a necktie. So I asked the guy in the next bunk for help. "Sure," he said. "Lie down." Confused, I lay down on the bunk and he tied my tie. "Sorry, but this is the only way I know how," he said. "comes from practicing on my father's clients." "What does your father do?" "He's a mortician."