I have been watching you very closely to see if you've behaved this year and since you have I will be telling my elves, if I can find them, tomake some goodies for me to leave under your tree at Christmas if I can get there - I intended to bring you all gifts from the 12 days of Christmas, but were having a bit of a problem with that plan as the 12 fiddlers fiddling have all come down with VD apparently from fiddling with the 10 ladies dancing. - And we just discovered while we were distracted attending to the fiddlers and their no longer dancing ladies. the damn 11 lords leaping were instead stealthfully tip-toeing around and have now knocked up the 8 maids a-milking. - And I just got off the phone with the police department, who asked me if I'd care to come down and make bail for the 9 pipers piping who were arrested in the park for doing weird things to the 7 swans a-swimming in broad daylight. - The 6 geese a-laying, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtledoves and the partridge in a pear tree have me up in deep bird doodoo up to the top of my boots and I doubt I can get my sled runners movin' out of all that frozen bird shit. - On top of all this! Mrs. Claus is going through menopause and refuses to make me any cookies or let me anywhere near her milk jugs. - To top it off, 8 of my reindeer are in heat and have somehow gotten completely entangled in the harnesses and rheins attempting some articorgy last night and it's going to take forever to free them. - The crazy elves have joined the gay liberation army in England that was started by some retired dwarfs that had been used for bowling balls in the pubs a few times too often and have been left with deminished sexual abilities, so they practice oral sex ... they talk about it - And some nuts, people who obviously can't read a calendar have scheduled Christmas for the 5th of January. - Maybe next year I'll be able to get my act together and bring you someof the things you want. This year I suggest you get your ass down to Walmart before everything is gone.
-Love, Santana ( Crazy ) Claus