3. A woman was walking along pushing her newborn baby in the carriage when an old friend approached her. The friend leaned over, peering into the carriage said, "What a beautiful baby boy, and he looks JUST like his father." "I know", replied the woman, "I just wish he looked more like my husband!"
2. Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98," she replied. "Two years older than me." "So you're 96," the undertaker commented. She responded, "Hardly worth going home is it?"
My husband posted a sign in our front yard. "Forget the guard dog. Beware of PMS."
A young engaged couple were getting some prenuptial counseling from their Rabbi. The guy asked, "Is it okay to have sex before the wedding?" The Rabbi replied, "Not if it delays the ceremony."
A Minister had gotten about two-thirds through his sermon when he found an unexpected shortage of manuscript. After fumbling it a moment he said, "My good friends, I find the last pages of my discourse have gone. I think my favorite dog must have gotten some of them yesterday and eaten them. You must excuse me from the remainder of the discourse."After Service, a meek little woman from another parish introduced herself and said, "I was much interested in that dog of yours and its performance yesterday, and might I ask a question?" "Certainly, madam." "I want to know if it has any puppies, for I should like to take one home to my minister."
Trivia of theDay:William Goldman’s screenplay writing credits read like a formidable "Who’s Who" entry. Not only did he write the film classic The Stepford Wives (1975), but the novel and screenplay for The Princess Bride (1987). Other film writing credits include Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid (1969), The Great Waldo Pepper (1975), All the President’s Men (1976), Marathon Man (1976), Misery (1990), Maverick (1994), The General’s Daughter (1999), and Jurassic Park 3 (2001). Goldman won two screenplay Oscars for Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid and All the President’s Men.
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There was a job opening in the country's most prestigious law firm and it finally comes down to Robert and Paul. Both graduated magna cum laude from law school. Both came from good families. Both are equally attractive and well spoken. It's up to the senior partner to choose one, so he takes each aside and asks, "Why did you become a lawyer?" In seconds, he chooses Paul. Baffled, Robert takes Paul aside. "I don't understand why I was rejected. When Mr. Armstrong asked me why I became a lawyer, I said that I had the greatest respect for the law, that I'd lay down my life for the Constitution and that all I wanted was to do right by my clients. What in the world did you tell him?" "I said I became a lawyer because of my hands," Robert replies. "Your hands? What do you mean?" "Well, I took a look one day and there wasn't any money in either of them!"
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A Czechoslovakian scientist and a Polish scientist had both spent their professional lives studying the grizzly bear. Each year they petitioned their respective governments to allow them to go to Yellowstone National Park, in America to study the bears. Finally, one year, both their requests were granted, and they immediately flew to New York and onward west to Yellowstone. They reported to the ranger station at Yellowstone, and were told that it was grizzly mating season, and it was too dangerous to go out and study the animals. The scientists pleaded that this was their only chance, and finally the ranger relented. The Czech and the Pole were given portable phones and were told to report in every day. For several days they called in, but then nothing was heard from either one of them. The rangers mounted a search party and found the camp from where they last reported in, completely ravaged with no sign of the missing men. The rangers then followed the trail of the male and female bear. The found the female and decided they must kill the animal to find out if she had eaten the scientists, because they feared an international incident. So they killed the female animal and opened the stomach to find the remains of the Polish scientist. One ranger turned to the other and said "of course, you know what this means? The other ranger responded" of course.....
the Czech is in the male.
Joe and Frank were in the office, and noticed that someone had put up a suggestion box with some 3x5 cards next to it. Both decided that this was a great idea, and each took a card to fill out. Joe wrote, "The office workers should all be given raises!" When he looked at Frank's card, it said "Can we all have raises, and keys to the executive washroom, and personal secretaries, and new company cars, and new coffee cups, and longer lunch breaks, and an extra three weeks vacation each year, and a holiday on St. Patrick's Day, and Columbus Day and Martin Luther King's Birthday?" Joe said, "Frank, that isn't the right way of getting things changed around here. . . . You shouldn't put all of your begs in one ask-it." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The judge was in a benevolent mood as he questioned the prisoner. "What are you charged with?" he asked. "Doing my Christmas shopping early," replied the defendant. "That's no offense," replied the judge. "How early were you doing this shopping?" "Before the store opened," countered the prisoner.
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TOP TEN REASONS TO ASK YOUR BOSS FOR A RAISE:
10. You take your paycheck to the bank and the teller bursts out in hysterical laughter.
9. The Red Cross calls and offers you emergency assistance.
8. Your only charge cards are for the Salvation Army, ARC, and DAV thrift stores.
7. You work full time and you still qualify for food stamps.
6. You empty out your piggy bank and then cook the bank and serve it for your Easter ham.
5. All you can think about morning, noon and night is clipping grocery coupons.
4. You file your income taxes and the IRS returns them stamped, "Charity Case -- Return To Sender."
3. You set the world record for mailing $1.00 rebate requests to Young America, Minnesota. 2. You pay all your bills, put your remaining $1 bill into your billfold and it goes into shock.
1. You get arrested for taking the coins out of the fountain in the mall.
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In Pennsylvania Station in New york the gateman was having difficulty with a pair of soldiers. Hearing the commotion, a young lieutenant hastened to the scene. "What's the matter here?" he asked. "These two soldiers," complained the railroad employee, "insist on going through the gate without tickets." "I'll handle this, said officer. Turning to the soldiers, he commanded, "Forward march!" he led them through the gate and onto the train. "All right," he advised the G.I's, "at ease!" "Say, Lieutenant, thanks a lot," said one of the soldiers. He shrugged, "Don't mention it. I don't have a ticket either.
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At the Boeing Museum of Flight in Seattle, there is a full-size mockup of an F/A-18 fighter. A ramp allows visitors to climb into the cockpit and get a sense of what the pilot sees and feels. A guide at the top of the ramp points out the various controls and gauges in the cockpit and gives information about the aircraft's capabilities to each visitor who gets in. When my two-year-old son sat down in the plane, he seemed fascinated by all he saw and heard. Then he looked out at us and said, "Grandma, could I have a quarter?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Banks have long printed checks in a wide spectrum of colors; some have offered checks with floral or scenic backgrounds. The modest-sized Bank of Marion in Marion, California has gone one step further. A customer can simply bring in a personal photograph or drawing and have it printed onto a standard check form. Undeterred by the higher cost, more than five hundred customers signed for the illustrated checks. But perhaps the most imaginative and vindictive customer is the one who ordered special checks to be used solely for making his alimony payments. They show him kissing his new-and beautiful-wife. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
