Giggles (R)ated

TOP TEN MOST POLITE WAYS TO SAY YOUR ZIPPER IS DOWN
10 . The cucumber has left the salad.
9. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.
8. Please bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.
7 . Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson..
6. Elvis is leaving the building.
5. The Buick is not all the way in the garage.
4. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction.
3. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.
2. Men may be From Mars.....but I can see something that rhymes with Venus.
And the #1 way to tell someone his zipper is unzipped.... 1. I always knew you were crazy, but now I can see your nuts.
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I was in a bar in San Francisco during a vacation. They had this go- go girl on stage dancing. I was the only customer in the bar, so the bartender talked to me. He told me that he employed twin dancers ,named Shelly and Jan, who were working their way through college. He also said that they alternated. One day Shelly would be on the stage and Jan would be studying. And the next day Jan would be on the stage and Shelly would be studying. I asked him which girl was on the stage that day. He turned around, looked, and said, "It must be Shelly 'cause Jan don't shake like that."
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What should you do if you find your husband staggering in the back yard?
Shoot him again.
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Q. How Do You Make 5 Pounds Of Fat Look Good?
A. Put A Nipple On It
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Women vs. Men
1. Please don't talk to my breasts. You won't be meeting them.
2. If you want to control someone, sleep with your remote.
3. I always choose chocolate over men. ALWAYS
4. 51% love goddess...49% bitch. Care to push your luck?
5. My sexual preference is NO
6. My body is my temple, now get on your knees and pray.
7. It's not the size that counts, it's...no, wait, size does count.
8. Remember men, girls are made of sugar, spice and everything nice.
9. Men are like hardwood floors, lay them right the first time and you can walk all over them forever.
10. Save your breath for you inflatable date.
==============================
The wife coyly tried to explain her purchase of a new pair of expensive imported panties. "After all, dear," she said to her husband, "You wouldn't expect to find fine perfume in a cheap bottle, would you?" "No," her husband replied. "Nor would I expect to find gift wrapping on a dead beaver."
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Did you hear about the new all female delivery service? It's called UPMS. They deliver whenever the fuck they want to.
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A woman participating in a survey was asked how she felt about condoms. She said, "Depends on what's in it for me."

Happy New Years

Hows The War Going.

Hows the war going? I found this over at Musings of A Real Texas Cowgirl I thought it was pretty awesome Thanks Cowgirl.

http://www.logictimes.com/flowchart.htm

Signs That You Are Too Drunk
You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
Job interfering with your drinking.
Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
Career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.
The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence?? - I think not!
Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem!
You can focus better with one eye closed.
The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
You fall off the floor...
Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.
Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!
Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you
At AA meetings you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..."
Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed. - hmm.
The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in...
You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol, and [Women or Men].
Every night you're beginning to find your roommate's cat more and more attractive.
Roseanne looks good.
Don't recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass.
That damned pink elephant followed me home again.
Senators Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past you.
I'm as jober as a sudge.
The shrubbery's drunk from too frequent watering.
You wake up screaming "TORO TORO TORO!" in the middle of the night. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A pirate captain was on the look out for buried treasure. After months of hard sailing, day in and day out, his ship caught site of land, the land to which his treasure map had been leading. He and his first mate disembarked on the island to search out the buried treasure, which was supposed to lie hidden deep within a swamp at the center of the island. Sure enough, at the center of the island was a swamp, and the Captain and his first mate bravely entered the swamp. Soon the swamp began to get deeper, and the pirate's feet, then ankles, and finally entire leg below the knees was covered in swamp. It was at that time that the Captain banged his shin against something hard. He reached down, searched around, and pulled up a treasure chest. Prying the lock open, the chest revealed gold and jewels beyond imagination. The Captain turned to his first mate and said, "Arrrr, matey, that just goes to show ye, that booty is only shin deep!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Lawyer dies and goes to heaven. He knocks on the old pearly gates and out walks St. Peter. "Hello mate" says St. Peter, "I'm sorry, no Lawyers in heaven." "What?" exclaims the man, astonished. "You heard, no Lawyers." "But, but, but, I've been a good man", replies the Lawyer. "Oh really", says St. Peter. "What have you done, then ?" "Well" said the guy, "Three weeks before I died, I gave 10 dollars to the starving children in Africa". "Oh" says St.Peter. "anything else?" "Well, 2 weeks before I died I also gave 10 dollars to the homeless." "Hmmm. Anything else?" "Yeah. A week before I died I gave 10 dollars to the Albanian orphans." "Okay", said St. Peter, "You wait here a minute while I have a word with the boss." Ten minutes pass before St. Peter returns. He looks the bloke in the eye and says, "I've had a word with God and he agrees with me. Here's your thirty dollars back, now fuck off". ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An ugly man met an old woman while traveling through a forest. The old woman said, "You're the ugliest man I ever saw." "I can't help it," the ugly man said. "No, I guess not," the woman admitted, "but the least you could do is stay at home."
~~~~~
President Clinton looks up from his desk in the Oval Office to see one of his aides nervously approach him. "What is it?" exclaims the President. "It's this Abortion Bill Mr. President, what do you want to do about it?" the aide replies. "Just go ahead and pay it." responds the President.
~~~~~~
President Clinton wakes up to a beautiful winter morning. The sun is shining, the air is crisp, and there is a light blanket of snow on the ground. He stretches and goes to look out the window at the snow- covered White House lawn and sees the words "BILL CLINTON SUCKS" written in pee in the snow. Clinton gets all upset and calls White House Security. He tells them he doesn't care what it takes but he wants to know who did this. The Chief of Security returns in a couple of days to the President and tells him that he has good news, bad news, and real bad news. "OK," says Clinton "give me the good news first, then the bad news, and then the real bad news." The Chief says: "The good news is after taking analysis of the pee, we know who the culprit is." Clinton nods and the Chief continues: "The bad news is the culprit is Vice President Gore." This really upsets the President, but he controls his anger and asks the Chief to tell him the real bad news. The Chief of Security swallows and says, "It's in Hillary's hand writing"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A business man was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort with an extremely healthy sex drive, so he thought he'd buy her a little something to keep her occupied while he was gone. He went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation. The old man said, "Well, We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except---" and he stopped. "Except what?" the man asked. "Nothing, nothing." "C'mon, tell me! I need something!" "Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is The Voodoo Penis." "So what's up with this Voodoo Penis?" he asked. The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out a very old wooden box, carved with strange symbols and erotic images. He opened it, and there lay an ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said "Big damn deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!" The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet." He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo Penis, the door." The Voodoo Penis miraculously rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started pounding the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with the vibrations, so much so that a crack began to form down the middle. Before the door split, the old man said "Voodoo Penis, return to box!" The Voodoo Penis stopped, levitated back to the box and lay there quiet once more. "I'll take it!" said the businessman. The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo Penis, my crotch." After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny and remembered the Voodoo Penis. She undressed, opened the box and said "Voodoo Penis, my crotch!" The Voodoo Penis shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was absolutely incredible, like nothing she'd ever experienced before. After three mind-shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough. She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgotten to tell her how to shut it off. Worried, she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road. A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained, "I haven't had anything to drink, officer. You see, I've got this Voodoo Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won't stop screwing me!" The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and in an arrogant voice replied, "Yeah, right... Voodoo Penis, my ass." The rest is history.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
During a recent international sports meet, one of the Scottish track and field coaches was entertaining some friends and colleagues in his hotel room. As so often occurs the libations were used up before it was time to end the festivities. After receiving directions to the nearest wine/liquor store, the Scottish coach departed the party. Upon arriving at the store, he noticed that there were only three or four people waiting in the queue. Immediately ahead of him were two men dressed in military fatigues and heavily bearded. He overhead one of them ordering several bottles of Scotch and rum. Upon being told the value of his purchases, this fatigue dressed individual told the clerk that he was with Fidel. Immediately the clerk produced a book and had the individual sign for his purchases. To say that the Scotsman was intrigued would be an understatement. The other individual in front of the Scotsman proceeded to order at least twice what his companion had ordered. Upon receipt of his total he also told the clerk that he was with Fidel. Same book, same procedure as the first fatigue clad individual. By this time the Scotsman had figured he was on to a good thing. He ordered bottles of this, that, cigars, cigarettes etc. Upon being presented with his bill he told the clerk that he was with Fidel. The clerk told him that he could not be with Fidel. "Why not?" said the indignant Scotsman. "Because you do not have the beard and the big cigar." the clerk replied. Pausing for only a moment, the Scotsman reached down, lifted up his kilt and proudly announced, "SECRET SERVICE!!!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There was once a hat-seller who passed by a forest on his way back from the market. The weather was very hot and so he decided to take a nap under one of the trees, so he left his whole basket of hats by the side. A few hours later, he woke up by some sounds. The next thing he realized was that all his hats was gone. He heard some monkeys on the tree and so he looked up. To his surprise, the tree was full of monkeys and they had taken all his hats. The hat-seller sits down and think of how he can get the hats down. He think and think and start scratching his head. The next moment, he realized that the monkeys were doing the same action. Next, he took down his own hat and saw the monkeys do exactly the same. An idea came to him,he took his hat and throw it on the floor and the monkeys do that too. So he finally managed to get all his hats back. If you think you have read this before....., read on!!! Fifty years later, his grandson, Jack, also became a hat-seller and had heard this monkey story from his grandfather. One day, just like his grandfather, he passed by the same forest, it was very hot, and he took a nap under the same tree and left the hats on the floor. He woke up and realized that all his hats were gone. He looked up and realized that the monkeys had taken all the hats. He remembered his grand father's words, started scratching his head and the monkeys follows. He took down his hat and fanned himself and again the monkeys followed. Now, very convinced of his grandfather's idea, JACK threw his hat on the floor but to his surprise, the monkeys still hold on to all the hats. Then one monkey climbed down the tree, grabbed the hat on the floor, gave him a slap and said "You think only you have a grandfather".
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
John, Greg and Paul made a competition to see who would make a girl scream louder in bed. John one went in, while Greg and Paul stayed out and listened to the girl moan for a bit. Then Greg went in and the girl screamed a little bit harder. When Paul went in, the girl screamed! About an hour later the girl came out moaning. John asked "Wow, how did you do that?" Paul, all tired and wet replied "I simply used my head".
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Just Jokin"

Little Johnny had been bringing his drawings home from kindergarten everyday since he started a month ago. Each day his mother admires the pictures and hangs them on the refrigerator. One thing starts bothering her though. Little Johnny only uses black and browns for his drawings. Fearing a problem with her young son and not wanting to make it worse, she decides to take him to a child psychologist. The psychologist delicately goes to work. He gives Johnny a battery of psychological tests. He chats with Johnny. Everything seems perfectly normal. Everyday for two weeks, the tests continue. Yet everyday, little Johnny continues to bring home drawings in only black and brown. Frustrated at not being able to get to the root of the problem and fearful that something is terrible wrong, the child psychologist decides to give little Johnny some paper and a box of crayons and observe what happens. Little Johnny opens the box of crayons and says, "Oh boy! A new box of crayons! At school we only have old boxes. The only ones left in mine are always black and brown!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A car full of ladies from the Temple Beth Israel fund raising committee is in a terrible accident. They arrive at the Pearly Gates where Saint Peter is waiting. The women want to get into Heaven, so Saint Peter looks through the book, but can't find them listed in the New Arrivals section. "I'm sorry,"Saint Peter there must be some mistake." With that, he sends them down to Hell. A week later, God asks Saint Peter, "What happened to those Jewish ladies who were supposed to be here?" "You mean the ones from Temple Beth Israel?" Saint Peter asks. "I didn't see them listed, so I sent them to Hell." "You what?" God asks outraged, "I wanted them here. If you want to keep your job Saint Peter, you better call Satan and get them back up here ASAP," St. Peter gets on the phone and calls Hell. Satan answers. St. Peter says, "Satan you know those Jewish ladies I sent down there last week? Well, I really need them up here. Could you please send them back? "No way,"Satan replies. "They're here two days and they've already raised $100,000 for an air conditioning system,"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When Kevin came home, his wife, Liz, was crying. "Your mother insulted me," Liz sobbed. "My mother? How could she do that when she is on vacation on the other side of the world?" Kevin asked. "I know. But this morning a letter addressed to you arrived. I opened it because I was curious." "And?" "At the end of the letter it said, 'PS. Dear Liz, when you have finished reading this letter, don't forget to give it to my son.'"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A traveling salesman was passing through a rural town in Vermont and decided to take a little time out in order to have some clothes cleaned in a hurry. The town only had three streets so he was able to quickly locate a shop with a sign that read, "Cleaning and Pressing, 24-Hour Service". After explaining his needs, he said, "I'll be back for my suit tomorrow." "Won't be ready til Saturday," replied the proprietor. "But I thought you had 24-hour service," the customer protested. "I do, son," the proprietor said. "But I only work eight hours a day. Today's Thursday....... eight hours today, eight hours Friday, eight on Saturday. That's 24-hour service."
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The rules at a particular university were such that if the professor were not present in the classroom by 15 minutes past the hour, the class was considered a "walk" and the students were free to leave - with no penalties for missing a class. The rooms were equipped with the type wall clocks that "jumped" ahead each minute, in a very noticeable fashion. As it were, these clocks were also not of the most sophis- ticated construction. Some enterprising student discovered that if one were to hit the clock with chalkboard erasers, it would cause the clock to "jump" ahead 1 minute. It became almost daily practice for these students to take target practice at the clock (as it would have it, this particular professor was not the most punctual, and the students considered him severely "absent-minded"). A few well aimed erasers, and lo, 15 minutes were passed, and class dismissed itself. Well, when the day for the next exam rolled around, the professor strolled into the room, passed out the exams, and told them "You have 1 hour to complete". The professor then proceeded to collect the erasers from around the room, gleefully taking aim at the clock. When he had successfully "jumped" the clock forward 1 hour, he closed the class and collected the exam papers.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Three old men are at the doctor for a memory test. The doctor says to the first old man, "What is three times three?" "274" was his reply. The doctor worriedly says to the second man, "It's your turn. What is three times three?" "Tuesday" replies the second man. The doctor sadly says to the third man, "Okay, your turn. What's three times three"? "Nine" says the third man. "That's great!" exclaims the doctor. "How did you get that"? "Jeez, Doc, it's pretty simple," says the third man. "I just subtracted 274 from Tuesday."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A medieval astrologer prophesied to a king that his favorite mistress would soon die. Sure enough, the woman died a short time later. The king was outraged at the astrologer, certain that his prophecy had brought about the woman's death. He summoned the astrologer and commanded him: "Tell me when you will die!" The astrologer realized that the king was planning to kill him immediately, no matter what answer he gave. "I do not know when I will die," he answered finally. "I only know that whenever I die, the king will die three days later...." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Amanpreet had told all of his friends about the great steak he'd eaten downtown the day before. A group of them decided to head down and see if was really as large and delicious as he was making it out to be. The group was seated in the back of the restaurant. After looking over the menu, they ordered and waited, hungrily, for their large, delicious pieces of dead cow. To their collective disappointment, the waiter brought out some of the smallest steaks they'd ever seen. "Now see here," a very embarrassed Preet said to the waiter. "Yesterday when I came down here you served me a BIG, juicy, steak. Today, though,when I have my friends about, you serve small steaks! What is the meaning of this???" "Yes, sir," replied the waiter, "yesterday you were sitting by the window...."
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The Iraqui General had grown increasingly anxious over rumors of an impending air strike by the Americans from neighboring Saudi Arabia. "Ahkmed," he ordered his aide-de-camp, "I want you to climb that mountain and report any signs of American military activity." "Yes, General," replied Ahkmed. He trudged up the mountain, and as soon as he crossed the ridge he saw a squadron of planes heading their way. "There are many planes coming, General," he promptly radioed back. "Friends or enemies?" the General demanded urgently. Ahkmed again lifted his binoculars to the sky. "They're flying very closely together, General," he replied. "I think they must be friends."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

AND ANOTHER THING

I have been browsing blogs from all over the place. One thing most have in common. Click profile and there is nothing. You know that's ok. However I find it irritating. What the hell are you a ghost. Don't you have anything about yourself worth talking about. Hell by today's standards most folks are quirky I am being nice here you know you are dysfunctional. Hell I put the fun in being dysfunctional . My family is five golden stars for this award. I would bet you would not ever hold a candle to the sh*t my family does to maintain this award


dysfunctional - (of a trait or condition) failing to serve an adjustive purpose; "dysfunctional behavior"

'Twas the Month After Christmas"
Twas the month after Christmas, and all through the house
Nothing fit me, not even a blouse.
The cookies I'd nibbled, the eggnog I'd taste
As the holiday parties had gone to my waist.
When I got on the scales there arose such a number!
When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber).
I'd remember the marvelous meals I'd prepared;
The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared.
The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese
And the way I'd never said, 'No thank you, please.'
As I dressed myself, in my husband's old shirt
And prepared once again to do battle with dirt--.
I said to myself, only as I can
'You can't spend a winter disguised as a man!
So-away with the last of the sour cream dip
,Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip.
Every last bit of food that I like must be banished
'Till all the additional ounces have vanished.
'I won't have a cookie - not even a lick.
I'll want only to chew on a long celery stick..
I won't have hot biscuits, or corn bread pie,
I'll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.
I'm hungry, I'm lonesome, and life is a bore--
But isn't that what January is for?
Unable to giggle, no longer a riot
Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet!Diet?
? Did I say 'Diet'?? What Diet!?? (heh hehe...)

Ranting From The Rocking Chair

Well I did have a rant all ready sitting in the rocker about those leeches that are the ACLU. Then the old timers set in and I found something else that caught my eye and I began to wonder through some blogs ( http://tinyurl.com/dsdlo) that were talking about an opinion at Townhall.com well I had to see what all the hoopla was about. Boy did it piss me off. This columinst is the most arrogant self seving pompus piece of work since Betty Davis or who ever I forget.


http://tinyurl.com/8nquc Lord of the blogs
Dec 28, 2005by Kathleen Parker Located At http://www.TownHall.com

Read this if ya need the ole B.P. to rise a few points. I first had to decided to comment on the blog I had been reading. http://elephantinmycoffee.com or to send town hall a little piece of my mind. So I struck up on the idea of multi-tasking. I did both.
I informed T.H. that since they did publish that piece of clap trap they must endorse a part of it therefore they should plow the blog-o-sphere and find out just how us lowly bloggers feel about what she had to say. I further told them the next time they wanted money from me a lowly blogger to forget it they would not get one red cent.
All of this said I realize that TownHall only uses well educated opinions and that they pay good money for those opinions. That money comes from us the consumer. So in my capitalistic world that means I will not support them until they change their position or apoligize for that arrogant selfish piece of garbage from "Ms.Parker"

I also understand that my one little opinion will not rock their boat. So No lectures please. I still have the right to my opinion until Ms. Parker takes over the world.

Death Toll Rises in Egyptian Raid on Camp

Dec 30, 1:06 PM (ET)
By BEN CURTIS

CAIRO, Egypt (AP) - Egyptian police turned water cannons on Sudanese war refugees and beat them with sticks Friday, seeking to end a three-month protest at the ramshackle squatters camp in a small city park. At least a dozen people were killed, according to government figures, and one of the protest leaders estimated the deaths at more than double that.
Hundreds of Sudanese have been living in the park since September to protest the U.N. refugee agency's refusal to consider them for refugee status. They want to be resettled in a third country, such as the United States or Britain, rather than go home after a peace deal ended the 21-year-long civil war in Sudan.
For The Rest of this Story http://tinyurl.com/dxeog

Now let me get this straight. The U.N has some agency that is supposed to help these folks and they are not going to so they are living in a squatters camp in a park and the Egyptians are tired of it more or less and want them gone. The U.N. is sorry but oh well? What the hell is the U.N.'s roll in any damn thing pray tell?

Odds and Ends

Anyone See the squished kid in the middle?

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

Beating High Gas Prices

For many years The Brown Derby was Hollywood's most famous restaurant. Visitors came from all over the world to get a glimpse of their favorite movie stars dining. Even when the celebrities were not there, diners had the opportunity to feast on favorite dishes of the stars. The menu items were named for the star that inspired the dish. One of the all time favorite desserts at The Brown Derby was the Fred Astaire. When you ordered the Fred Astaire you would be served chocolate Puddin' on the Ritz crackers. (Stan Kegel)

Q: How do Greeks separate the men from the boys?

A: With a crowbar.

Two nuns, Sister Marilyn and Sister Helen, are traveling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield. "Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Marilyn, the younger of the two nuns. "What shall we do?" "Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says the older & wiser Sister Helen. Sister Marilyn switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns. "What shall I do now?" she shouts. "Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at theVatican," says Sister Helen. Sister Marilyn turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns. "Now what?" shouts Sister Marilyn? "Show him your cross," says Sister Helen. "Now you're talking," says Sister Marilyn. She opens the window and shouts, "Get the fuck off our car!"

# # THINGS PRISON GUARDS HATE ! # # Inmates who don't flush after eating Chili for lunch. Inmates who look like the sperm used to conceive them was 100%steroids. Coming up with two too many after a head count. Having to break up a gang bang in the shower. Being asked to be the bridesmaid when two inmates tie the knot. Recognizing the newest inmate as your proctologist. The fact that the inmates get more cable channels than you do at home. Having a new neighbor move in next door that looks wa-a-a-y tofamiliar. Being on a first name basis with a serial sex killer. Finding a hole in your glove after completing a body cavity search. Learning that your mother just announced her engagement to #93A44274.

ACLU Files Domestic Violence Complaint

Friday, December 30, 2005 :: infoZine Staff
ACLU Files Domestic Violence Complaint
First-Ever Complaint With Inter-American Commission on Human Rights

New York, N.Y. - infoZine - The American Civil Liberties Union yesterday filed a petition with the Inter-American Commission on Human Rights (IACHR) on behalf of Jessica Gonzales, the mother of three girls killed by her estranged husband whose domestic violence protection claims were rejected by the U.S. Supreme Court. The petition, the first of its kind, asserts that domestic violence victims have the right to be protected by the state from the violent acts of their abusers.
For The Rest Of This Story http://tinyurl.com/cvq6o

As sad as this story is the saddest part is all the money in the world won't bring her children back. TheACLU will make some headlines and try to drag our court system into the global legal community. In the end the mother will have nothing and those leeches will find some one else's blood to suck, and for get all about her. Its all about mugging for MSM and money.

Instructions for Life

Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.

Memorize your favorite poem.

Don't believe all you hear.

When you say, "I love you", mean it.

When you say, "I'm sorry", look the person in the eye.

Be engaged at least six months before you get married.

Believe in love at first sight.

Never laugh at anyone's dreams.

Love deeply and passionately...
You might get hurt but it's the only way to live life completely.

In disagreements, fight fairly, No name calling.

When someone asks you a question you don't
want to answer, smile and ask,
"Why do you want to know?"

Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk.
Call your mom.
Say "bless you" when you hear someone sneeze.
When you lose, don't lose the lesson.

Remember the three R's:
Respect for self;
Respect for others;
Responsibility for all your actions.

Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.

When you realize you've made a mistake,
take immediate steps to correct it.

Smile when picking up the phone,
The caller will hear it in your voice.

Marry a man/woman you love to talk to.
As you get older, their conversational
skills will be as important as any other.

Tell your signifigant other
once a day, how much they mean to you.

Treat other's the way you want to be treated!

Giggles (R)ated

What's the difference between snowmen and snowladies ?
Snowballs.

A man in Tarritville, Connecticut, filed for divorce because his wife left him a note on the refrigerator that read: "I have gone to the bridge club. There'll be a recipe for your dinner at 7 o'clock onChannel 2

Why did the snowman have a smile on his face ?
Because the snowblower was coming down the block.

Sign in the Men's Room: "We aim to please. You aim too, Please.

"Q: What's a polygon? -
A: A dead parrot.

1. When we were looking to buy property I had this over zealous realtor show us what can only be described as a totally worn-out old farm. I mean the land had just been worked to death.The weeds were hardly even growing.The smiling super salesman said, "Now really, all this land needs is a little water, a nice cool breeze and some good people."I replied, "Yeah, I agree, but couldn't the same be said of Hell?"
2. According to a new article in 'Cosmopolitan'magazine, they say the position you sleep in says a lot about you.They say women who sleep on their sides are sensitive, women who sleep on their stomachs are competent, and women who sleep on their backs with their ankles behind their ears are very popular.
3. The preacher was preaching with all his might. The subject was SIN, and he was most certainly 'against' sin.A girl, with a wonderful figure, and not nearly enough clothes to hide much skin, came in late. She strode down the center aisle, close to the front, and sat down.It was plain to the preacher that he had lost the men in his audience to this voluptuous sex-object.He shook a fist at her and said, "You are the Jezebel the good book tells us about. You have got the mind of every man in this building on evil thoughts and not good thoughts. But I am a man of God! You don't affect me, and right now up in Heaven,you fallen woman.....Saint Finger is shaking his Peter at you!!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"My fiancee told me the rule of thumb on how much to spendon an engagement ring was two months' salary. So I moved toHaiti for a couple months, made a buck eighty. Nice plywood ring - no knots. I sanded it myself." - Barry Kennedy

"I had a hard time at the bank today. I tried to take out a loan and they pulled a real attitude with me. Apparently, they won'taccept the voices in my head as references." - Steve Altman

People are like tea bags. You never know how strong they are until you drop them in hot water. (Nancy Reagan)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Killin Time

To kill some time I have a list of links. Check them out at your own risk.

http://www.menshealth.com/eyechart/index.html#

Football
http://www.lablaughs.com/adult_toon.php?id=A19980626

Free stuff Go to:http://www.theunlocker.co.uk/

Back2zip: Free ware Go to:http://free-backup.info/

Image crop http://www.imagecrop.com/

Another place to blog http://theblogs.net/

Free muscle creme http://www.sorenomore.com/sample.html

Counters http://www.coolcounters.com/

Just Wanted to Share This

• December 15, 2005 3:13 p.m. ET
P.C. police endanger Americans (Joe Scarborough)

Memo to Norm Mineta, Secretary of Transportation
Cc: George W. Bush, Bill Frist, Denny Hastert,
Hillary Clinton, John McCain

Dear Norm,

I enjoyed serving with you in Congress and was pleased when the President selected you to be Secretary of Transportation. I know the chaos that followed shortly after your nomination made your last five years challenging, but you have done your best.
That being said, you have got to get a grip on the P.C. police running your airports. They are putting Americans at risk by dumbing down our airport screening process.
Right now, airport security seems more focused being politically correct than engaging in good police work. Every time I go to a checkpoint, I see grandmoms, kindergarten kids, fat old guys and senior citizens with walkers being hauled in for random screening.
And I just love when my wife, teenage boys and two-year-old daughter are pulled out of line to get extra security attention. The TSA agents who select us know who I am, know I am not planning to blow up an airplane and know my 2 year old girl is not packed with explosives.
It would be laughable if you weren't wasting money and resources that could be used preventing the next terror attack.
Have you ever noticed how cops investigating bank robberies usually keep girl scouts and grandmoms out of interrogation rooms? You know why that is, Norm? Because they are only interested in solving a crime.
What are you interested in, Norm?
Let me make your job a little easier. When it comes to profiling terrorists intent on blowing planes out of the sky, the code ain't hard to crack. Don't tell anyone I told you this. Wouldn't be prudent. But if I were you, I would focus on young, Arab males.
All nineteen 9/11 hijackers were young Arab males. The terrorists who killed over 200 marines in Beirut were young Arab males. The thugs who killed Americans on planes and cruiseliners in the 1980s were young Arab males. The terrorists who tried to blow up the World Trade Center in 1993 were young Arab males. The people who killed American troops in 1997 by blowing up Khobar Towers were young Arab males. And the terrorists who killed soldiers on the USS Cole in 2000 were young Arab males.
And get this. Most terrorists blowing our people up across the globe since 9/11 have been young Arab males. Besides, do your people really think my 2 year old girl and an 85 year old grandmom from Scranton are going to take down a 757 jetliner?
Come on, Norm. Your agency's stupidity is really starting to tick me off because when the next jet goes down, you and the President will have blood on your hands.
We're in a war here. It's time to get serious. http://tinyurl.com/d8zvt

giggle overload

Joke of the day:
Late one night, a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs. "Give me your money," he demanded.Indignant, the affluent man replied, "You can't do this - I'm a United States Congressman!" "In that case," replied the mugger, "give me MY money."

Church
A rich man went to his pastor and said, "I want you and your wife to take a three-month trip to the Holy Land at my expense. When you come back, I'll have a surprise for you." The pastor accepted the offer, and he and his wife went off to the Middle East. Three months later they returned home and were met by the wealthy member, who told them that while they were gone, he had had a new church built. "It's the finest building money can buy, pastor," said the man. "No expense was spared." And he was right. It was a magnificent edifice both inside and out. But there was one striking difference. There was only one pew, and it was at the very back. "A church with only one pew?" asked the pastor. "You just wait until Sunday," the rich man said. When the time came for the Sunday service, the early arrivals entered the church, filed onto the one pew and sat down. When the pew was full, a switch clicked silently, a circuit closed, the gears meshed, a belt moved and, automatically, the rear pew began to move forward. When it reached the front of the church, it came to a stop. At the same time, another empty pew came up from below at the back and more people sat down. And so it continued, pews filling and moving forwards until finally the church was full, from front to back. "Wonderful!" said the pastor, "Marvelous!" The service began, and the pastor started to preach his sermon. He launched into his text, and when 12 o'clock came, he was still going strong, with no end in sight. Suddenly a bell rang, and a trap door in the floor behind the pulpit dropped open. "Wonderful!" said the congregation, "Marvelous!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A young Technician and his General Manager board a train headed through the mountains on its way to Wichita. They can find no place to sit except for two seats right across the aisle from a young woman and her grandmother. After a while, it is obvious that the young woman and the young tech are interested in each because they are giving each other "looks." Soon the train passes into a tunnel and it is pitch black. There is a sound of the smack of a kiss followed by the sound of the smack of a slap. When the train emerges from the tunnel, the four sit there without saying a word. The grandmother is thinking to herself: "It was very brash for that young man to kiss my granddaughter, but I'm glad she slapped him." The General manager is sitting there thinking: "I didn't know the young tech was brave enough to kiss the girl, but I sure wish she hadn't missed him when she slapped and hit me!" The young woman was sitting and thinking: "I'm glad the guy kissed me, but I wish my grandmother had not slapped him!" The young tech sat there with a satisfied smile on his face. He thought to himself: "Life at Boeing is good. How often does a guy have the chance to kiss a beautiful girl and slap his General manager all at the same time!!!!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde were on their way to Heaven. God told them that the stairway to Heaven was 1000 steps, and that on every 5th step He would tell them a joke. He told them not to laugh at any of the jokes along the way or else they would not be able to enter Heaven. The brunette went first and started laughing on the 45th step, so she could not enter Heaven. The redhead went next and started laughing on the 200th step, so she could not enter Heaven either. Then, it was the blonde's turn. When she got to the 999th step, she started laughing. "Why are you laughing?" God asked. "I didn't tell a joke." "I know," the blonde replied. "I just got the first joke."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Groan
A local policeman had just finished his shift one cold December evening and was at home with his wife. "You just won't believe what happened this evening, in all my years on the force I've never seen anything like it." "Oh yes dear, what happened ?" "I came across two guys down by the canal, one of them was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks." "Drinking battery acid and eating fireworks!! What did you do with them?" "Oh that was easy. I charged one and let the other off."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

On the Sober Side

Congress Should Investigate the United Nations
Tsunami Relief Effort
by Nile Gardiner, Ph.D.WebMemo #952


December 28, 2005

This week marks the anniversary of the tsunami disaster which struck large sections of Southeast Asia, South Asia, and East Africa on December 26, 2004. The tsunami claimed some 231,000 lives and displaced 2 million people. The disaster prompted an outpouring of humanitarian help from around the world, with an estimated total of $13.6 billion in aid pledged, including $6.16 billion in government assistance, $2.3 billion from international financial institutions, and $5.1 billion from individuals and companies.[1]

The huge international relief effort is being co-coordinated by the United Nations, and involves an astonishing 39 U.N. agencies, from the United Nations Children’s Fund (UNICEF) and United Nations Educational, Scientific and Cultural Organization (UNESCO), to the World Health Organization (WHO) and the International Labour Organization (ILO).

The Financial Times Inquiry

When the U.N. took over the tsunami relief operation in early 2005, the world body pledged full transparency, in light of its disastrous handling of the Iraq Oil-for-Food Program. The U.N.’s under-secretary general for humanitarian affairs, Jan Egeland, boasted in an opinion editorial that “only the UN has the universal legitimacy, capacity, and credibility to lead in a truly global humanitarian emergency.”[2] Egeland had earlier criticized the U.S. contribution to the tsunami relief effort as “stingy.”[3]
For The Rest of this Story http://tinyurl.com/a7mws

I found this little article from The Heritage Foundation. I realize that in the area of gray matter I can not compete with these folks. However sitting here in my rocker I can see where the track record of the U.N. and money is a very bad bet. Just a few snippets come to mind Oil for Food, the world bank Rape and pillage in Africa. None of the transgressions of the U.N. is ever investigated there for no one is ever accountable. I for one say charge the bastards rent in N.Y. Stop footing over 70% of the bill to have that bunch of cut throats in our country. Get us the hell out of there and KEEP OUR MONEY HERE FOR US TO PISS OFF.

Giggle Over Dose

During the summers in the early 1940's, my uncle Harry, a young man working his way through college, was working as an ice man and drove an ice truck up and down the streets and alleys on the north side Chicago looking for the "ice cards" hung on the screen doors and windows of the residents who wished to purchase ice for their ice boxes. - The cards usually had 3 settings; 25 lbs, 50 lbs and 100 lbs. It was a poor time, the country just coming out of the depression and facing the start of WW ii. - There were two spinster sisters that lived alone on the second floor of a frame wooden house on our block and they sometimes would display their ice card in the window for 25 lbs. - My uncle, knew they could never scrape together the money to pay their bill but he always stopped and took all the broken ice pieces off his truck and carried it up to their place and packed it in their small wooden ice box. - One day, towards the end of summer, after he had packed their box one of the sisters, the younger one, stepped out on the back porch and asked to speak to him. She seemed a bit shy and seemed flushed in embarrassment, - "Young man my sister and I know you have helped us this summer with the ice, even when knowing we could not pay. We've read in books recently that sometimes women offer their bodies for sex in exchange for favors. Well since we have not been able to raise any money we decided to do that for you and since I am the youngest I am offering myself." - Well my uncle always claimed that he tried to convince her that it wasn't necessary, but knowing him, that's highly doubtful, but he said after she insisted, he finally gave in and said, "Okay" and then they supposedly went at it with youthful fervor. - Afterwards, he thanked the woman and dressed, took out his receipt book and wrote "PAID IN FULL" and handed it to the sister. - The women looked at the bill for only a second and blurted out, - "Now, look here, young man, we got that ice a little piece at a time and we damn well intend paying for it the same way!"
***************************************************************
A 60 year old man went to a doctor for a check-up. The doctor told him, "You're in terrific shape. There's nothing wrong with you. Why, you might live forever; you have the body of a 35 year old. By the way, how old was your father when he died?" The 60 year old responded, "Did I say he was dead?" The doctor was surprised and asked, "How old is he and is he very active?" The 60 year old responded, "Well, he is 82 years old and he still goes skiing three times a season and surfing three times a week during the summer." The doctor couldn't believe it! So he said, "Well, how old was your grandfather when he died?" The 60 year old responded again, "Did I say he was dead?" The doctor was astonished. He said, "You mean to tell me you are 60 years old and both your father and your grandfather are alive? Is your grandfather very active?" The 60 year old said, "He goes skiing at least once a season and surfing once a week during the summer. Not only that," said the patient, "my grandfather is 106 years old, and next week he is getting married again." The doctor said, "At 106 years why on earth would your grandfather wants to get married?" His patient looked up at the doctor and said, "Did I say he wanted to?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man walked into a bar, sat down at the far end and had a drink. He noticed there was a horse in the back of the bar room with a big pot of money on the floor in front of it. "What's up with that?" He asked the bartender, pointing at the horse. "You gotta put a dollar in the pot," explained the bartender,"if you can make the horse laugh, you collect the pot." The man walked over to the horse, dropped a dollar into the pot, and whispered into it's ear. The horse cracked up, fell over, and rolled on the floor in laughter. So the man picked up the pot and walked out. Five years later the same man came into the bar, and saw the same horse, with another big pot of money in front of it. The bartender recognized the man and noticed him looking at the horse in anticipation. "It's not so easy now...this time you gotta make him cry." he said. The man walked over to the horse and whispered in its ear, and from behind, in the shadows, appeared to pull something out of his pocket and showed the horse. The horse fell to its knees sobbing as though its heart was breaking. The man picked up the pot and was walking out the door when the bartender stopped him. "Hey! At least you can tell us what you told him!" "Easy," said the man. "The last time, I told him my thingy is bigger than his. This time I showed him."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Panasonic developed a complete Japanese Web browser, and to make the system user-friendly, licensed the cartoon character Woody Woodpecker as the "Internet guide." Panasonic eventually planned on a world version of the product. The day before the ads were to be released, Panasonic decided to delay the product launch indefinately. The reason: an American staff member at the internal product launch explained to the stunned and embarrassed Japanese what the ad's slogan, "Touch Woody - The Internet Pecker", might mean to English speakers. In a Tokyo bar: Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts. In a Tokyo hotel: Is forbitten to steal hotel toweles please. If you are not person to do such thing is please not to read this notice. Mistranslations When Gerber first started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the USA - the cute baby on the label. Later, when investigating lower than expected sales figures, they found out that it is common practice in Africa to put pictures of the contents on food package labels. Coors slogan, "Turn it Loose," translated into Spanish as "Suffer From Diarrhea." Puffs tissues had a bad name in Germany since "Puff" is a colloquial term for whorehouse. Jolly Green Giant translated into Arabic means "Intimidating Green Ogre." Chicken-man Frank Perdue's slogan, "It takes a tough man to make a tender chicken," got terribly mangled in another Spanish translation. A photo of Perdue with one of his birds appeared on billboards all over Mexico with a caption that explained "It takes a hard man to make a chicken aroused." Hunt-Wesson introduced its Big John products in French Canada as Gros Jos before finding out that the phrase, in slang, means "big breasts." In this case, however, the name problem did not have a noticeable effect on sales. Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno mag.
=======================================
A "modern" Islamic couple, preparing for a religious wedding meets with their Mullah for counseling. The Mullah asks if they have any last questions before they leave. The man asks, "We realize it's a tradition in Islam for men to dance with men, and women to dance with women. But, at our wedding reception, we'd like your permission to dance together." "Absolutely not," says the Mullah. "It's immoral. Men and women always dance separately." "So after the ceremony I can't even dance with my own wife?" "No," answered the Mullah, "It's forbidden in Islam." "Well, okay," says the man, "What about sex? Can we finally have sex?" "Of course!" replies the Mullah, "Allah ho Akbar! Sex is OK within marriage, to have children!" "What about different positions?" asks the man. "Allah ho Akbar! No problem," says the Mullah. "Woman on top?" the man asks. "Sure," says the Mullah. "Allah ho Akbar. Go for it!" "Doggy style?" "Sure! Allah ho Akbar!" "On the kitchen table?" "Yes, yes! Allah ho Akbar!" "Can we do it with all my four wives together on rubber sheets with a bottle of hot oil, a couple of vibrators, leather harnesses, a bucket of honey and a porno video?" "You may indeed. Allah ho Akbar!" "Can we do it standing up?" "No." says the Mullah." "Why not?" asks the man. "Because that could lead to dancing."
===============================
What's the difference between a Northern fairytale and a Southern fairytale?
A Northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time."
A Southern fairytale begins "'Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit."
===============================
We could balance the Federal Budget if we taxed sex. Everyone would pay their share. Young people would pay more taxes and your tax liability would decrease as you got older. The tax would also promote family values. How would you like to come home to your wife and have her ask, "Honey, why is your tax bill larger than mine?" Or be a teenager and come home to find your dad with your tax bill in his hand. We wouldn't have to pay people to work for the IRS, they would be paying to work there just so they could review peoples returns. Locker room conversations would change... "Get a load of this Hollywood tax bill!" The forms would change a little also. We would now have a 1040Quickee. And it would give a whole new meaning to the phrase, "Substantial penalty for early withdrawal"...and deductions for mastubation.
=================================
In Spain, a priest upset over the ringing of cell phones during his masses has installed an electronic jammer in his church to prevent the distraction ... ...I can just see God now walking around saying, "Can you hear me now? Can you hear me now? Can you hear me now?"...
=================================
FAVORITE FANTASY
17 getting to third
25 airplane sex
35 menage a trois
48 taking the company public
66 Swiss maid/Nazi love slave
HOUSE PET
17 roaches
25 stoned-out college roommate
35 German Shepherd
48 children from his first marriage
66 Barbi
====================================
Why don't chickens wear underwear?
Because their peckers are on their faces.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sassy
Little BILLY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the 6th one, a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat." Little BILLY replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old." "Oh?" replied the man. " Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?" "No" replied Little Billy, "he minded his own fucking business!!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
1. The famous sex therapist was on the radio taking questions when a caller asked, "Doctor, I want to know, why do men always want to marry a virgin? To which the doctor handily responded, "To avoid criticism."
2. Morris went to his lawyer Birnbaum and told him, "My neighbor owes me $500 and he doesn't want to pay up. What should I do?" "Do you have any proof?" asked the lawyer. "Nope," Morris replied. "Okay, then write him a nasty letter asking him for the $1000 he owes you," said the lawyer Birnbaum. "But it's only $500," Morris insisted. "Precisely. That's what he will reply and we will then have the proof we need to nail him."
3. Two sisters had been given parts in a Christmas pageant at their Church. At dinner that night, they got into an argument as to who had the most important role. Finally the 12-year-old said to her 8-year-old younger sister, "Well, you just ask Mom. She'll tell you it's much harder to be a virgin than it is to be an angel!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Love Terms...
EYE CONTACT - a method utilized by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is interested in him. Despite being advised to do so, many woman have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to the shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman's eyes are not located in her chest.
FRIEND - a member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.
INDIFFERENCE - a woman's feeling towards a man, which is interpreted by the man as "playing hard to get."

R)ated Giggle

========================

Are you male or female?"
1. Aside from getting sterilized, your birth control options are: a. one b. almost a dozen
2. When parking your car in a public garage you: a. toss your keys jauntily to the attendant b. hand your keys over politely
3. You haven't shaved in 4 days. The resulting stubble can be construed as: a. sexy b. gross
4. At the doctor's, a common request would be: a. "Cough." b. "Would you like to scoot down just a little more dear?"
5. As a sporty person, you need athletic support with: a. one cup b. two cups
6. When you're feeling insecure, what you say to your best friend is: a. nothing b. "Do I look fat?"
7. You've slept with several hundred people, one term used to describe you would be: a. sports legend b. tramp
8. The age it hits home that junk food will devastate your body is: a. 35 b. 14
9. When you hear the words "hand wash," the first thing that comes to your mind is: a. your car b. panty hose
10. It`s the seventh game of the playoffs, bottom of the ninth, score tied. Bases are loaded with 2 outs. The man at bat has a .311 average against southpaws, and the pitcher is a lefty. Your mate turns to you and says, "Do you want a back rub?" You are: a. too busy screaming at the TV to even hear the question b. daydreaming
11. Your idea of basic pump is: a. an athletic shoe made by Nike b. a heeled shoe made by Fayva
12. Multiple Orgasms are something you: a. give b. get
SCORING a = 1 point b = 2 points 0-12 Congratulations, you are a male. This means you have a greater lean-muscle-to-fat ratio, earn most of the money, and a select few of your sex can look forward to being president someday. 13-24 Congratulations, you are a female. This means you will live longer, have your choice of wearing either pants or a skirt in polite company and a select few of your sex can look forward to being president someday. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The cowhand got paid on Friday and immediately rode into town and proceeded to get thoroughly shitfaced. A couple of pals decided to play a trick on him. They snuck out, turned his horse around, and went back to join the hapless for a few more rounds. The next morning, when the alarm clock and a glass of cold water in the face failed to have the slightest effect, the cowhand's wife started shaking him by the shoulders and screaming, "Tex, get up! You have to hit the goddamn trail, you've got work to do." "Can't," mumbled Tex. "Too beat. Too tired. Can't even lift my head." "Get the hell up!" she screamed in his ear. "I've seen you this hungover a thousand times." "Last night was different," said the wretched fellow. "Some son of a bitch cut my horse's head off, and I had to pull him all the way home with my finger in his windpipe!"

Bored kill some time here http://www.triptrivia.com/

Q: Did you hear about the new blonde paint?
A: It's not real bright, but it's cheap, and spreads easy.

===========================================
The 12 Days, Deconstructed On the
12th day of the Eurocentrically imposed midwinter festival, my
potential-acquaintance-rape-survivor gave to me,
TWELVE males reclaiming their inner warrior through ritual drumming.
ELEVEN pipers piping (plus the 18-member pit orchestra made up of
members in good standing of the Musicians Equity Union as called for
in their union contract even though they will not be asked to play a note...)
TEN melanin-deprived testosterone-poisoned scions of the patriarchal
ruling class system leaping,
NINE persons engaged in rhythmic self-expression,
EIGHT economically disadvantaged female persons stealing
milk-products from enslaved Bovine-Americans,
SEVEN endangered swans swimming on federally protected wetlands,
SIX enslaved fowl-Americans producing stolen nonhuman animal products,
FIVE golden symbols of culturally sanctioned enforced
domestic incarceration, (NOTE: after member of the
Animal Liberation Front threatened to throw red paint
at my computer, the calling birds, French hens and partridge
have been reintroduced to their native habitat. To avoid further
animal-American enslavement, the remaining gift package has been revised.)
FOUR hours of recorded whale songs,
THREE deconstructionist poets,
TWO Sierra Club calendars printed on recycled processed tree carcasses
And a Spotted Owl activist chained to an old-growth pear tree.
========================================
Are people who work at Holiday Inn ... inn experienced?--G. S. Angel
Why do men get married?
So they don't have to hold their stomachs in anymore.
Q: Why does the Easter Bunny hide her eggs???
A: She doesn't want anyone to know that she's doing a chicken!
============================================
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
John woke up one morning immensely aroused so he turned over
to his wife's side of the bed. His wife, Heather, had already awakened
though, and she was downstairs preparing breakfast in the kitchen.
Afraid that he might spoil things by getting up, John called his little
boy into the room and asked him to deliver a note which he wrote to her.
The note read:
The Tent Pole Is Up,
The Canvas Is Spread,
Hell With Breakfast,
Come Back To Bed.
Heather, grinning, answered the note through their son.
The note read:
Take The Tent Pole Down,
Put The Canvas Away,
The Monkey Had A Hemorrhage,
No Circus Today.
John read the note and quickly scribbled a reply.
The note read:
The Tent Pole's Still Up,
And The Canvas Still Spread,
So Drop What You're Doing,
And Come Give Me Some Head.
Laughing, Heather answered the note.
The note read:
I'm Sure That Your Pole's The Best In The Land.
But I'm Busy Right Now, So Do It By Hand!
===========================================

Let the Giggles Begin

Weird Fact of the Day
In an average lifetime, a person will spend 4 years
travelling in an automobile and six months waiting at a red light.

With their wedding date finally set, the bride-to-be snuggled up to her fiancee and said, "Darling, I want to make love before we get married." "But it's not long until June, dear," he replied. Oh," she exclaimed. "And how long will it be then?"
===============
Eager to make full use of his new computer's capabilities, the old man asked a customer service representative at his bank if they offered on-line banking. "Certainly," she stated matter-of-factly, pointing to a crowd of people near the windows. "The line starts over there."
=========================
"When my husband finally gave in and began to clean out his bureau, he discovered a bunch of socks that didn't match. As I looked at them, I noted that most of them had holes in them. "Land's sakes, man!" I exclaimed. "How long have you had these things?" "Since before we were married," he admitted. "I guess you could say that I had a lot of premarital socks !" (Brenda Coffin)
----------------------------------------------------------

An American businessman in Glasgow walked into a restaurant and asked the waitress what the special was. "Roast and rice," the Scottish miss replied in a heavy brogue. "You certainly do roll your R's," the businessman observed. "I suppose," she giggled, beginning to blush, "but only when I wear high heels."
====================================
Have you heard of the new coffee drink that's sweeping the country? It's called the Osama bin Latte. You take a half cup of strong, black coffee Add 2 double shots of bourbon Mix in three squares of ex-lax After consuming it you will be bombed and run like hell.
===================================
Scientists have discovered a new gene that they say proves that some people are just not wired for exercising. They say it was very hard to find the non-exercising gene because it was almost completely covered up by the fat ass gene. (Jay Leno)====================================
The worst thing about getting your penis caught in the bicycle chain isn't the overwhelming pain, but that long, sickening moment, when you're stuck there in that awkward position, and you suddenly realize that you're going to have to describe the entire event on an insurance claim form. (Haust Javeri)
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
NEW HALLMARK CARDS
OUTSIDE: As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...
INSIDE: That you're not here to ruin it for me.
OUTSIDE: If I get only one thing for Christmas...
INSIDE: I hope it's your sister.
OUTSIDE: I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love.
INSIDE: After having met you, I've changed my mind.
OUTSIDE: I must admit, you brought religion into my life.
INSIDE: I never believed in hell 'til I met you.
OUTSIDE: Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can'thelpbut wonder...
INSIDE: What the fuck was I thinking?
OUTSIDE: I always wanted to be rich, powerful and well-respected.
INSIDE: And while I'm dreaming, I wish you weren't so damn ugly.
OUTSIDE: Sex with you is like using drugs:I
NSIDE: Lots of people do it, but nobody's stupid enough to admit it.
OUTSIDE: When we were together, you always said you'd die for me.
INSIDE: Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept yourpromise.
OUTSIDE: The holidays are a great time to be with family.
INSIDE: Of course, your family won't be with you, since I'm taking thekidsand moving in with my sister, you cheating bastard!
OUTSIDE: I'm so miserable without you...
INSIDE: It's almost like you're here.
OUTSIDE: If you ever need a friend...
INSIDE: Buy a dog.
OUTSIDE: Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
INSIDE: Did you ever find out who the father was?
=====================================

Well Now

Updated: 10:20 AM EST
Airport Security Uses Talk as Tactic
By Thomas Frank, USA TODAY

(Dec. 28) -- The Transportation Security Administration plans to train screeners at 40 major airports next year to pick out possible terrorists by engaging travelers in a casual conversation to detect whether a person appears nervous or evasive and needs extra scrutiny.
The new security technique, already in use at some airports, adds a psychological dimension to screening by trying to find high-risk passengers based on how they act at checkpoints or boarding gates.
Passengers who raise suspicions will undergo extra physical screening and could face police questioning.
Airports in New York, Los Angeles, Chicago, Houston, Detroit and Miami recently began using the technique.
For The Rest Of This Story http://tinyurl.com/brokh

This puzzles me as to what the big deal is. Go to any place the post office the market, the mall, and yes the air port and you will have someone chat to you. Yep they are everywhere talking and talking. When was the last time you flew on a plane coach that someone didn't chat at you? Huh. Everywhere you go yaka yaka yaka. Have a book or ear phones and they zoom in on you like a fly to a cowpie. Now how are you gonna know if they are working or being annoying?
As for profiling. Well now if the shoe fits lets make em wear it. Everyone has seen or heard of the list of terrorist acts that were committed. In all honesty now folks there were not too many white black yellow or red, skinned folks fighting this jihad against the West. WShat is the problem with profiling the folks that are members of that peace loving religion..............(Oh and there is a poll with the article love those polls.)

Well Well Well the Truth May Emerge

Updated: 09:40 PM EST
Judge Orders Accused Nazi Guard Deported
By M.R. KROPKO, AP

CLEVELAND (Dec. 28) - An immigration judge Wednesday ordered John Demjanjuk, a retired auto worker accused of being a Nazi concentration camp guard, deported to his native Ukraine, bringing him a step closer to being removed from the U.S. after a 30-year legal battle.
Demjanjuk, 85, has been fighting to stay in the United States since the 1970s. He was suspected for a time of being the notoriously brutal guard known as Ivan the Terrible and was nearly executed in Israel.
Chief U.S. Immigration Judge Michael Creppy ruled that there was no evidence to substantiate Demjanjuk's claim that he would be tortured if deported to his homeland. He said Demjanjuk should be deported to Germany or Poland if Ukraine does not accept him.

For The Rest of This Story http://tinyurl.com/d7nbd

Rather interesting in my mind anyway. This man has fought for the last 30 something years to stay here in this Country? Here where the average citizens in less than an ape in manners and thought? If we are so damn bad then why do folks like this try to hang around here? Ha!!

Maybe Mr. Demonerat aka Libby they know something you don't. Maybe just maybe this aint such a bad place to be.

Redneck Granny Rides Again

My Year in Review that Interest Me.

This has been an interesting year in animal sciences and the search for mystery animals. Even National Geographic got in on it. Check it out.
http://tinyurl.com/cf9jc









More interesting places in cryptozoology can be located here http://tinyurl.com/aq44n.
I must admit that I take everything I come across with a grain or cup of salt. However I know that there are many things under heavan and on earth man can't know.

Things That Just Can't Be Explained

'Crow Whisperer' Chases Off Unwanted Birds
Monday, December 26, 2005


DECATUR, Ill. — Dense flocks of starlings, crows and blackbirds have proven little match over the decades for James Soules, a bird-control specialist who rids cities of winged invaders.
The birdman of central Illinois may be even better, though, at fending off humans who want to know his secrets.
The 83-year-old Soules has been chasing away birds from Bloomington, Springfield, Joliet and dozens of other towns for a half-century. The mystery surrounding his tactics has made him a local legend around Decatur, where he has been called a shaman and even the "crow whisperer."
Whether it's communicating with the birds or some other strategy, Soules isn't talking about his techniques — at least to people. The owner of Bird Repellent Co. says only that he does not shoot, poison or trap the birds or use lights, sounds or smells.
Decatur officials hired Soules years ago after failed attempts to drive off the annual hordes of aggressive starlings by lobbing firecrackers and blasting propane cannons. First, they had agree to his demand for complete secrecy.
The starlings began to vanish after a few weeks.
For The Rest Of This Story http://tinyurl.com/94h5x

Wonder if they have a whisper that could drive away the loonies??????? I for one would be willing to break open my piggy bank for that one.

God sees embryos as full and
complete humans - Pope
VATICAN CITY (Reuters) - God sees embryos as "full and complete" humans, Pope Benedict said on Wednesday in an address that firmly underlined the Roman Catholic Church's stance against abortion and scientific research on embryos.
"The loving eyes of God look on the human being, considered full and complete at its beginning," Benedict said in his weekly address to the faithful gathered in St. Peter's Square.
Quoting Psalm 139, Benedict said the Bible teaches that God already recognises the embryo as a complete human. That view is the basis for the Church teaching that aborting or manipulating these embryos amounts to murder.
For the Rest of This Story http://tinyurl.com/8gn8c

Loony History

I would guess that I am one of the last to see this article. However I found it very wierd. Interesting but wierd. How far will the loonies go. This is a look at loony history

Stalin's Breeding Plan
Updated: 09:37, Tuesday December 20, 2005
Soviet dictator Josef Stalin tried to create an invincible army by crossing humans with apes, according to secret documents.
The Kremlin chief ordered his scientists to create the mutant species that would be "resilient and resistant to hunger".
Archive papers quote him demanding the breed should be of "immense strength but with an underdeveloped brain".
Part of his terrifying plan was use the mutants to work on railway construction, according to The Sun.
Secret laboratories and ape skeletons have been found in the Black Sea town of Suchumi in Georgia, by workmen building a playground for children.
The bones are thought to come from apes captured in the 1920s and paid for by Stalin, who ordered scientist Ilia Ivanov to carry out the research.
The leader used a French research station in Guinea for the work, where African women were seized to be impregnated with ape sperm.
No pregnancies resulted but the next stage was to implant human sperm in female gorillas.
Ivanov was arrested in 1930 after his project failed and he died in a labour camp two years later.
http://www.sky.com/skynews/article/0,,30000-13482528,00.html

One question how do they know there were no pregnancies?

Think About It

http://www.thankyoutony.com/thanktony.php3

A Little Laughter For The Soul

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour. Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry.""No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I get to work, late. My boss fires me. When I leave the building, I find out my car was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I get out, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there but it's too late because the cab driver has already driven away.""I get home, and find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave, and come to this bar. Just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."


Eddy went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there's somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under. "You gotta help me, I'm going crazy!""Just put yourself in my hands for two years," said the shrink. "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears.""How much do you charge?""A hundred dollars per visit.""I'll sleep on it," said Eddy. Six months later the doctor met Eddy on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist. "For a hundred buck's a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars." "Is that so! How?""He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"


Things To Never Say To A Cop
I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (ok in Texas)
Sorry, officer, i didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
Aren't you the guy from the village people?
Hey, you must've been doing about 125 mph to keep up with me.
Are you Andy or Barney?
I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
I pay your salary!
Gee, officer, that's terrific! the last officer only gave me a warning, too!
Do you know why you pulled me over? okay, just so one of us does.
I was trying to keep up with traffic. yes, i know there are no other cars around,
that's how far ahead of me they are.


Why did Tigger stick his head in a toilet?.......
Because He was looking for Pooh!!!


I decided that I needed a few days off and I realized that I was out of vacation time. I figured the best way to get the boss to send me home was to act a little crazy --- he'd think I was burning out and give me some time off. I came in to work early the next day and began hanging upside down from the ceiling. Just then one of my co-workers (she's blonde ... it'll be important later) came in and asked me what I was doing. "Shh," I said, "I'm acting crazy to get a few days off. I'm a light bulb." A minute later the boss walked by and asked me what I was doing. "I'm a light bulb!" I exclaimed. "You're going crazy," he said. "Take a few days off." With that, I jumped down and started walking out. My co-worker (the blonde) started following me, and the boss asked where she was going. "I can't work in the dark," she said.


Sven was looking for a job and heard that there was an opening for a janitor at the local Babtist church. He applied for the job and the interview went very well. "You have the job," he was told, "just sign this paper." Sven made a big "X" on the paper. "What's that?" he was asked. "That's my mark." "You're supposed to sign your name." "That's my mark," Sven replied, "I cannot read or write." "What? We're sorry but you can't work here. You have to be able to sign your name." Well, Sven finally got himself a job as a mate on a tugboat, and eventually he became captain of his own tugboat. He did well for himself and eventually had a fleet of ships of his own and became one of the wealthiest men in the community.One day the mayor decided to honor him for setting such a good example for other immigrants, and what they can accomplish with hard work and ingenuity.
The mayor says, "Sven, we want to give you the key to the city! Just sign this form."
Sven made a big "X" on the paper.
"What's that?" he was asked.
"That's my mark."
"Your mark?" The mayor asked.
"Aih, I cannot read or write, so that's my mark."
"You accomplished all of this not being able to read or write?" The mayor exclaimed. "Just think what you could have done if you could read and write!"
"Yes," Sven said. "I could have been a church janitor."

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, " What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".
****************************************
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill..."

**************************************************
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.
The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples.
**************************************************
There was a man who was always late for work because of the rush hour traffic. On this particular day, he comes up to a stop sign, slows down, and then goes though it. A cop pulls him over.. "What are you stopping me for?" the man asked.The cop said, " You did not come to a stop at that stop sign." "I did to, I slowed down, and that is the same thing as stopping," the man retorted."No it isn't and here is a ticket to prove it," the cop responded.The next day, the same man rolls up to the stop sign, slows down, and then goes through it. Again the same cop pulls him over."You just ran that stop sign!" he barked."I did not," the man shouted," I slowed down and that is the same thing as stopping!""No it isn't," the cop shouted back, "And here is a second ticket to prove it!"The very next day, same man rolls up to the stop sign, slows down, then goes through it. The same cop pulls him over."You again, you just ran that stop sign!" he roared."I did not!" the man shouted back," I SLOWED DOWN and that is the same thing as STOPPING!""No it isn't, and here is a third ticket to prove it!"On his way back home from work that night, he rolls up to the stop sign, slows down and then goes through it.The same cop has had it. He grabs the man through the drivers window, and starts hitting him with his billy club."Now do you want me to STOP or SLOW DOWN?!!"