During the summers in the early 1940's, my uncle Harry, a young man working his way through college, was working as an ice man and drove an ice truck up and down the streets and alleys on the north side Chicago looking for the "ice cards" hung on the screen doors and windows of the residents who wished to purchase ice for their ice boxes. - The cards usually had 3 settings; 25 lbs, 50 lbs and 100 lbs. It was a poor time, the country just coming out of the depression and facing the start of WW ii. - There were two spinster sisters that lived alone on the second floor of a frame wooden house on our block and they sometimes would display their ice card in the window for 25 lbs. - My uncle, knew they could never scrape together the money to pay their bill but he always stopped and took all the broken ice pieces off his truck and carried it up to their place and packed it in their small wooden ice box. - One day, towards the end of summer, after he had packed their box one of the sisters, the younger one, stepped out on the back porch and asked to speak to him. She seemed a bit shy and seemed flushed in embarrassment, - "Young man my sister and I know you have helped us this summer with the ice, even when knowing we could not pay. We've read in books recently that sometimes women offer their bodies for sex in exchange for favors. Well since we have not been able to raise any money we decided to do that for you and since I am the youngest I am offering myself." - Well my uncle always claimed that he tried to convince her that it wasn't necessary, but knowing him, that's highly doubtful, but he said after she insisted, he finally gave in and said, "Okay" and then they supposedly went at it with youthful fervor. - Afterwards, he thanked the woman and dressed, took out his receipt book and wrote "PAID IN FULL" and handed it to the sister. - The women looked at the bill for only a second and blurted out, - "Now, look here, young man, we got that ice a little piece at a time and we damn well intend paying for it the same way!"
A 60 year old man went to a doctor for a check-up. The doctor told him, "You're in terrific shape. There's nothing wrong with you. Why, you might live forever; you have the body of a 35 year old. By the way, how old was your father when he died?" The 60 year old responded, "Did I say he was dead?" The doctor was surprised and asked, "How old is he and is he very active?" The 60 year old responded, "Well, he is 82 years old and he still goes skiing three times a season and surfing three times a week during the summer." The doctor couldn't believe it! So he said, "Well, how old was your grandfather when he died?" The 60 year old responded again, "Did I say he was dead?" The doctor was astonished. He said, "You mean to tell me you are 60 years old and both your father and your grandfather are alive? Is your grandfather very active?" The 60 year old said, "He goes skiing at least once a season and surfing once a week during the summer. Not only that," said the patient, "my grandfather is 106 years old, and next week he is getting married again." The doctor said, "At 106 years why on earth would your grandfather wants to get married?" His patient looked up at the doctor and said, "Did I say he wanted to?"
A man walked into a bar, sat down at the far end and had a drink. He noticed there was a horse in the back of the bar room with a big pot of money on the floor in front of it. "What's up with that?" He asked the bartender, pointing at the horse. "You gotta put a dollar in the pot," explained the bartender,"if you can make the horse laugh, you collect the pot." The man walked over to the horse, dropped a dollar into the pot, and whispered into it's ear. The horse cracked up, fell over, and rolled on the floor in laughter. So the man picked up the pot and walked out. Five years later the same man came into the bar, and saw the same horse, with another big pot of money in front of it. The bartender recognized the man and noticed him looking at the horse in anticipation. "It's not so easy now...this time you gotta make him cry." he said. The man walked over to the horse and whispered in its ear, and from behind, in the shadows, appeared to pull something out of his pocket and showed the horse. The horse fell to its knees sobbing as though its heart was breaking. The man picked up the pot and was walking out the door when the bartender stopped him. "Hey! At least you can tell us what you told him!" "Easy," said the man. "The last time, I told him my thingy is bigger than his. This time I showed him."
Panasonic developed a complete Japanese Web browser, and to make the system user-friendly, licensed the cartoon character Woody Woodpecker as the "Internet guide." Panasonic eventually planned on a world version of the product. The day before the ads were to be released, Panasonic decided to delay the product launch indefinately. The reason: an American staff member at the internal product launch explained to the stunned and embarrassed Japanese what the ad's slogan, "Touch Woody - The Internet Pecker", might mean to English speakers. In a Tokyo bar: Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts. In a Tokyo hotel: Is forbitten to steal hotel toweles please. If you are not person to do such thing is please not to read this notice. Mistranslations When Gerber first started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the USA - the cute baby on the label. Later, when investigating lower than expected sales figures, they found out that it is common practice in Africa to put pictures of the contents on food package labels. Coors slogan, "Turn it Loose," translated into Spanish as "Suffer From Diarrhea." Puffs tissues had a bad name in Germany since "Puff" is a colloquial term for whorehouse. Jolly Green Giant translated into Arabic means "Intimidating Green Ogre." Chicken-man Frank Perdue's slogan, "It takes a tough man to make a tender chicken," got terribly mangled in another Spanish translation. A photo of Perdue with one of his birds appeared on billboards all over Mexico with a caption that explained "It takes a hard man to make a chicken aroused." Hunt-Wesson introduced its Big John products in French Canada as Gros Jos before finding out that the phrase, in slang, means "big breasts." In this case, however, the name problem did not have a noticeable effect on sales. Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno mag.
A "modern" Islamic couple, preparing for a religious wedding meets with their Mullah for counseling. The Mullah asks if they have any last questions before they leave. The man asks, "We realize it's a tradition in Islam for men to dance with men, and women to dance with women. But, at our wedding reception, we'd like your permission to dance together." "Absolutely not," says the Mullah. "It's immoral. Men and women always dance separately." "So after the ceremony I can't even dance with my own wife?" "No," answered the Mullah, "It's forbidden in Islam." "Well, okay," says the man, "What about sex? Can we finally have sex?" "Of course!" replies the Mullah, "Allah ho Akbar! Sex is OK within marriage, to have children!" "What about different positions?" asks the man. "Allah ho Akbar! No problem," says the Mullah. "Woman on top?" the man asks. "Sure," says the Mullah. "Allah ho Akbar. Go for it!" "Doggy style?" "Sure! Allah ho Akbar!" "On the kitchen table?" "Yes, yes! Allah ho Akbar!" "Can we do it with all my four wives together on rubber sheets with a bottle of hot oil, a couple of vibrators, leather harnesses, a bucket of honey and a porno video?" "You may indeed. Allah ho Akbar!" "Can we do it standing up?" "No." says the Mullah." "Why not?" asks the man. "Because that could lead to dancing."
What's the difference between a Northern fairytale and a Southern fairytale?
A Northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time."
A Southern fairytale begins "'Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit."
We could balance the Federal Budget if we taxed sex. Everyone would pay their share. Young people would pay more taxes and your tax liability would decrease as you got older. The tax would also promote family values. How would you like to come home to your wife and have her ask, "Honey, why is your tax bill larger than mine?" Or be a teenager and come home to find your dad with your tax bill in his hand. We wouldn't have to pay people to work for the IRS, they would be paying to work there just so they could review peoples returns. Locker room conversations would change... "Get a load of this Hollywood tax bill!" The forms would change a little also. We would now have a 1040Quickee. And it would give a whole new meaning to the phrase, "Substantial penalty for early withdrawal"...and deductions for mastubation.
In Spain, a priest upset over the ringing of cell phones during his masses has installed an electronic jammer in his church to prevent the distraction ... ...I can just see God now walking around saying, "Can you hear me now? Can you hear me now? Can you hear me now?"...
17 getting to third
25 airplane sex
35 menage a trois
48 taking the company public
66 Swiss maid/Nazi love slave
25 stoned-out college roommate
35 German Shepherd
48 children from his first marriage
Why don't chickens wear underwear?
Because their peckers are on their faces.
Little BILLY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the 6th one, a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat." Little BILLY replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old." "Oh?" replied the man. " Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?" "No" replied Little Billy, "he minded his own fucking business!!"
1. The famous sex therapist was on the radio taking questions when a caller asked, "Doctor, I want to know, why do men always want to marry a virgin? To which the doctor handily responded, "To avoid criticism."
2. Morris went to his lawyer Birnbaum and told him, "My neighbor owes me $500 and he doesn't want to pay up. What should I do?" "Do you have any proof?" asked the lawyer. "Nope," Morris replied. "Okay, then write him a nasty letter asking him for the $1000 he owes you," said the lawyer Birnbaum. "But it's only $500," Morris insisted. "Precisely. That's what he will reply and we will then have the proof we need to nail him."
3. Two sisters had been given parts in a Christmas pageant at their Church. At dinner that night, they got into an argument as to who had the most important role. Finally the 12-year-old said to her 8-year-old younger sister, "Well, you just ask Mom. She'll tell you it's much harder to be a virgin than it is to be an angel!"
EYE CONTACT - a method utilized by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is interested in him. Despite being advised to do so, many woman have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to the shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman's eyes are not located in her chest.
FRIEND - a member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.
INDIFFERENCE - a woman's feeling towards a man, which is interpreted by the man as "playing hard to get."