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Friday, February 17, 2006

Just a mess for Da morning coffee(Not PC)

Next time you have a bad day at work, think of this guy.Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana. Heperforms underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an e-mail he
sent to his sister. She then sent it to radio station 103.2 FM in Ft. Wayne, Indiana,
which was sponsoring a "worst job experience" contest. Needless to say, she won."Hi Sue, Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad
day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I
would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all. "Before I
can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job.
As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wetsuit.
This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have
a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water
out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver
through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a darn good plan,
and I've used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom andstart working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wetsuit. This floods my whole
suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi.
Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched
it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my butt started to burn. I pulled the hose out
from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened. "The hot water
machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now, since I don't have any hair on my
back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it. However, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate.When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of
my butt. I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator.
"His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all
laughing hysterically. Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make three
agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach
the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression. When I arrived at the surface,
I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet. As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with
tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on
my butt as soon as I got in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't poop fortwo days because my butt was swollen shut.
So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had
a jellyfish shoved up your butt. Now repeat to yourself, "I love my job, I love my job, I love my job.""And whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself: is this a "jellyfish bad" day?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Pierre, Marie, and their six children lived in a log cabin on the edge of a lake in
northern Quebec. One day, Pierre decided he had had enough and set out across the
lake in his canoe.Seeing this, Marie hollered out to him, "Pierre, what are you doing?"Pierre replied, "Woman, I'm leaving you!"Marie hollered, "But Pierre, what about our marriage?"Pierre replied, "To hell with the marriage. Woman, I'm leaving you!"
He kept paddling across the lake.Marie hollered, "But Pierre, what about our beautiful cabin?"Pierre replied, "To hell with the cabin. Woman, I'm leaving you!"
He kept paddling across the lake.Marie hollered, "But Pierre, what about our beautiful children?"Pierre replied, "To hell with the children. Woman, I'm leaving you!"
He kept paddling across the lake.Then Marie hikes up her skirt and hollers, "But Pierre, what about this?"As Pierre slowly turns the canoe around he mumbles,"Someday I'm going to leave that damn woman."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Friendship Between Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over
at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew about it.

~~~~~~#~~~~~#~~~~#~~~~#
Friendship Between Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a
friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he
had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there.

~~~~~~#~~~~~#~~~~#~~~~#
CAN you read this?
Olny srmat poelpe can.
I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor! of
the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr
the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae.
The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid
deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot
slpeling was ipmorantt!!
~~~~~~#~~~~~#~~~~#~~~~#
The young bride's mother had some old-fashioned ideas of marriage,and passed them on to her daughter. "Never let your husband seeyou in the nude," she advised. "You should always wear something.""Yes, mother," replied the obedient girl. Two weeks after the wedding, the girl and her brand-new husband were preparing to retire when the guy asked, "Dear, has there ever been any insanity in your family?""Not that I know of," she answered. "Why?" "Well, we've been married for two weeks now and every night you've worn that silly hat to bed."
********************
At dawn the telephone rings. "Hello, Master Yousef? This is Renaldoyour country house caretaker" "Ah yes, Mr. Renaldo. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?" "Um, I am just calling to advise you, sir, that your parrot died" "My parrot? Dead? The one that won the competition?""That's the one." "Darn! That's such a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. Oh well...what did he die from?" "From eating rotten meat.""Rotten meat? Who was so mean as to give him meat?" "Nobody. He ate the meat of one of the dead horses." "Dead horse? What dead horse Mr. Renaldo?" "Why those pure breed ones that you had, sir. They died from all that work pulling the water cart." Are you insane? What water cart?""The one we used to put out the fire." "Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?" "The one at your house! A candle fell and then the curtain caught on fire." "What the.....!!! But there's electricity at the house!!!! What was the candle for???" "For the funeral." "WHAT FUNERAL???!!!!!" "Your wife's! She showed up one night out of the blue and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Tiger WoodsNike Driver." SILENCE.......................... "Renaldo... if you broke that driver you are so fired!"
********************
According to Webster the difference between the definition of"guts" and "balls" is? Guts is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?" Balls is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say, "You're next."
*********************
guy walking down the street sees a woman with perfect breasts. He says toher, "Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100 dollars?"Are you nuts? !!" she replies, and keeps walking away. He turns around,runs around the block and gets to the cornerbefore she does."Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000 dollars?" he asks again."Listen you; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?" So the guy runs around thenext block and faces her again. "Would youlet me bite your breasts just once for $10,000 dollars?"She thinks about it for a while and says, "Hmmm, $10,000 dollars, eh? Ok,just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there."So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the mostperfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them, he grabs them andstarts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them,burying his face in them, but not biting them.The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, "Well? Are you gonna bite them ornot?""Nah", he replies. "Costs too much..."
*********************
Three old ladies are going to a baseball game and since they have never been to one before they are very excited. But just to make the game a little more interesting, they decide to bring along a fifth of Jack Daniels. The game is really good, the crowd is into it and everybody is having a good time. The little old ladies keep adding a little Jack Daniels to their colas drinks and now they are having a wonderful time. A little more than half way through the game the old ladies notice that they are just about out of Jack Daniels, "So," one of them ask "What inning is it?" And another replies, "But, of course, it's the bottom of the fifth and the bags are loaded!"
********************
For 3 years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn. The last time there, he'd finally managed to have an affair with the innkeeper's virgin daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap! "Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!" "Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin.' We decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer."
*********************
There were two old men sitting on a park bench. Tina, a blonde woman, walks by.One old man says to the other one, "Ever sleep with a blonde?" The other old man says, "Many a time. Many a time." Angie, a brunette, then walks by.The old man says to the other, "Ever sleep with a brunette?" The other old man says, "Many a time. Many a time." Amy, a redhead, walks by, and the old man says to the other, "Ever sleep with a redhead?" The other old man smiles and says, "Nope, not a wink."
*********************
YOU KNOW YOU'RE TRAILER PARK TRASH WHEN...
You think the last words of the Star Spangled Banner are, "Gentlemen start your engines."
You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

*********************


A nun is sitting with her Mother Superior chatting. "I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it." "When did you use this awful language?" asks the elder. "Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line that is hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards." "Is that when you swore?" "No, Mother," says the nun. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run away." "Is THAT when you swore?" asks the Mother Superior again. "Well, no." says the nun. "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!" "Is THAT when you swore?" asks the amazed elder nun. "No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws, it flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball." "Did you swear THEN?" asked Mother Superior, becoming impatient. "No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap, rolled onto the green, and stopped about six inches from the hole." The two nuns were silent for a moment. Then Mother Superior sighed and said, "YOU MISSED THE FUCKING PUTT, DIDN'T YOU?"


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