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Friday, March 24, 2006

Chicken Recipes? Or What?

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It's said that Abraham Lincoln once sized up the case of a prospective client as follows: "You have a good case, technically, but in terms of justice and equity, it's got problems. So you'll have to look for another lawyer to handle the case, because the whole time I was up there talking to the jury, I'd be thinking, 'Lincoln, you're a liar!' and I might just forget myself and say it out loud."
As long as I count the votes, what are you going to do about it? "Boss"
Tweed Defendant: Judge, I want you to appoint me another lawyer. Judge: And why is that? Defendant: Because the Public Defender isn't interested in my case. Judge (to Public Defender rem): Do you have any comments on the defendant's motion? Public Defender rem: What? I'm sorry, Your Honor. I wasn't listening.

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Lawyers only ask the wrong questions when they want the wrong answers, some are just plain stupid
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15th.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
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Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
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Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?


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Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

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The little sexy housewife was built so well that the TV repairman couldn't concentrate on his work. Whenever she came inside the room, he'd jerk his neck right out of joint to look at her cleavage. When he'd finished she paid him and said, "I'm going to make a . . .well . . . unusual request. But you have to first promise me you'll keep it a secret." The repairman quickly agreed and she went on. "Well, it's kind of embarrassing to talk about, my husband is a kind, decent man and he has a certain physical weakness, a certain disability, and now, I'm a woman and you're a man . . . " The repairman could hardly speak when he said, "Yes; yes!" "And I've been wanting to do it ever since you came in the door..." "Yes; yes!" She continued, "Would you help me move the refrigerator?"
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A carpenter was doing work for Johnny's folks. Every time the carpenter got out another tool to work with, little Johnny would say, "My pop has TWO of those." The carpenter finally had to use the bathroom, and Johnny followed him in there. "I'll bet your pop doesn't have two of THESE," said the carpenter. Johnny replied, "No, but he has ONE that will make TWO of yours!"
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A young private sought permission from his Commanding Officer to leave camp the following weekend. "You see," he explained, "my wife's expecting." "Oh," said the Officer, "I understand. Go ahead and tell your wife that I wish her luck." The following week the same soldier was back again with the same explanation, "My wife's expecting." The Officer looked surprised. "Still expecting?" he said, "Well, well, my boy, you must be pretty bothered. Of course you can have the weekend off." When the same soldier appeared again the third week, however, the Officer lost his temper. "Don't tell me your wife is still expecting!" he bellowed. "Yes, sir!" said the soldier resolutely, "She's still expecting." "What in the Hell is she expecting?" cried the Officer. "ME" said the soldier.

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General Joke "You and your husband don't seem to have an awful lot in common." said the new tenant's neighbour. "Why on earth did you get married?" "I suppose it was the old business of 'opposites attract'", was the reply. "He wasn't pregnant and I was."
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Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?" "Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex." "Social Security sex?" "Yeah, you know: I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"
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A wife went in to see a therapist and said,"I've got a big problem, doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell."
"My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is." "The problem is," she complained, "It wakes me up!"

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Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session, "How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?" She glanced at him casually and replied, "You're never home!"
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A man was in a terrible accident, and his"manhood" was mangled and tornfro m his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery, since it was considered cosmetic. The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for "small, $6,500 for "medium, $14,000 for "large."
The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision.
The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected. "Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked theDoctor. The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen".

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A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary. The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'."
"Yeah," she replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone reads:'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'"

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My husband came home with a tube of K Y jelly and said, "This will make you happy tonight." He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in.

A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world." The woman says..... "I'll miss you."
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In a tiny village lived an old maid. In spite ofher old age, she was still a virgin. She wasvery proud of it.She knew her last days were getting closer,so she told the local undertaker that shewanted the following inscription on hertombstone:"Born as a virgin, lived as a virgin, died as a virgin".Not long after, the old maid died peacefully,and the undertaker told his men what the ladyhad said. The men went to carve it in, but asthe lazy no-goods they were, they thought theinscription to be unnecessarily long.They simply wrote:"Returned unopened"
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A nurse was on duty in the emergency department, when a punkRocker entered. This young woman had purple hair styled into aMohawk, a variety of tattoos and strange clothing. It wasDetermined that the patient had acute appendicitis and wasScheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completelyDisrobed on the operating table, the staff found that her pubicHair had been dyed green, and above it was a tattoo reading,"Keep off the grass."After the prep and the surgery, the surgeon added a small note To the dressing which said, "Sorry, had to mow your lawn."
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An attorney went into a bar for a Martini and found himself beside a scruffy-looking drunk who kept mumbling and studying something in his hand. He leaned closer while the drunk held the tiny object up to the light, slurring, "Well, it looks plastic." Then he rolled it between his fingers, adding, "But it feels like rubber." Curious, the attorney asked, "What do you have there?" The drunk replied, "I don't know, but it looks like plastic and feels like rubber." The attorney responded, "Let me take a look." So the drunk handed it over and the lawyer rolled between his thumb and fingers, then examined it closely by sniffing and licking it. "Yeah, it does look like plastic and feel like rubber, has no significant smell or taste, I sure don't know what it is. Where did you get it?" The drunk replied, "Out of my nose!"
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There were two homos who shared a flat together, one called John and the other Harry. It was John's night to do the cooking but they decided to have a takeaway. John popped out to get some fish and chips.He returned to the flat to find Harry with his trousers around his ankles and his ass stuck in the fridge. "Harry why do you have your ass stuck in the fridge?" "Well, I thought you'd like something cool to slip into when you returned" replied Harry.
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Where do you get virgin wool from? Ugly sheep.
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A Woman's Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it. - Women's restroom Dick's Last Resort, Dallas, TX
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When Mike got arrested, they told him, "Anything you say will be held against you." Mike said, "Claudia Schiffer's boobs."
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