Coasting away from the News
IF YOU DON'T READ THIS TO THE VERY END, YOU HAVE LOST A DAY IN YOUR LIFE. AND WHEN YOU HAVE FINISHED,
George Carlin's Views on Aging
Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions. "How old are you?" "I'm four and a half!" You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key.
You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead. "How old are you?" "I'm gonna be 16!" You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16!
And then the greatest day of your life . . you become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony . . YOU BECOME 21. YESSSS!!!
But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're Just a sour-dumpling What's wrong? What's changed?
You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50 and your dreams are gone.
But wait!!! You MAKE i! t to 60. You didn't think you would!
So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60. You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70!
After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!
You get into your 80s and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime. And it doesn't end there. Into the 90s, you start going backwards; "I Was JUST 92." Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again.
"I'm 100 and a half!" May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!
HOW TO STAY YOUNG
1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctors worry about them. That is why you pay " them " .
2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.
3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain idle. "An idle mind is the devil's Workshop." And the devil's name is Alzheimer's.
4. Enjoy the simple things.
5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.
6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive.
7. Surround yourself with what you love, Whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.
8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what ! you can improve, get help.
9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county; to a foreign country but NOT to where the guilt is.
10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.
AND ALWAYS REMEMBER: Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.
Randy had seen one too many movies. A bow and arrow was a cool weapon. He decided to try to make some arrows. He found some oak dowels; a local fabric store provided decorative feathers; and, for his first effort, a push-pin provided a weighted tip. His friend Tommy had a bow-and-arrow set, so he went to Tommy's to try out his creation. Unfortunately, when he set it against the bowstring, it popped off. Not once; not twice; all eight times. Randy sat back and thought a few minutes. Then he took a knife and cut a little "V" in the back end of the arrow. "There," he said, "now, it should work. Nock on wood."
Robin Hood and his merry men were in Sherwood Forest one night celebrating, and imbibing. They all became inebriated, and then Friar Tuck began to sing. He became louder with each drink. Robin Hood, fearing that the Sheriff of Nottingham might hear the band, dragged the Friar deep into the woods. He then tucked him into the river, but the song lingered on. The moral of the story? You can lead a drunk to water but you can't make him hoarse.
Harry did like he always does, kissing his wife, crawling into bed and falling to sleep. All of a sudden, he wakes up with an elderly man dressed in a cowl standing in front of his bed."What are you doing in my bedroom?......and who are you?" he asked. "This is not your bedroom," the man replied, "I am St. Peter, and you are in heaven.""WHAT!?? Are you saying I'm dead? I don't want to die.....I'm too young." said Harry. "If I'm dead, I want you to send me back immediately.""It's not that easy", said St. Peter, "you can only return as a dog or a hen. You can choose on your own..."Harry thought about it for a while, and figured out that being a dog is too tiring, but a hen probably has a nice and relaxed life. Running around with a rooster can't be that bad."I want to return as a hen." Harry replied. And in the next second, he found himself in a chicken run, really nicely feathered. But man, now "he" felt like the rear end was gonna blow........then along came the rooster."Hey, you must be the new hen on the farm." he said. "How does it feel?""Well, it's OK I guess, but it feels like my rear end is blowing up.""Oh that!" said the rooster. "That's only the ovulation going on. Have you never laid an egg before??""No, how do I do that?" Harry asked."Cluck twice, and then you push all you can."Harry clucked twice, and pushed more than he was good for, and then 'Plop,' an egg was on the ground. "Wow" Harry said "that felt really good!" So he clucked again and squeezed. And you better believe that there was yet another egg onthe ground. The third time he clucked, he heard his wife shout:"Harry, for Gods sake wake up, you're shitting all over the bed!"
Waiting in the car at a traffic light with a woman and her husband
and three rambunctious boys, she glanced over at the car next to
them, noticing a blissfully happy mother with her baby daughter.
Looking at her husband she said, "As soon as I lose my weight from
the last baby, I want to try for a daughter."
The husbnad reached up to the dash, grabbed an open box of snacks,
and said, "Here, have another cookie."
The minister drove into a sand trap. He picked up his golf club,
broke it but didn't say a word.
Then he picked up the golf bag and tore it to shreds but didn't
say a word.
He then took out all the golf balls and flung them into the woods
but did not say one word.
Finally he muttered, "I'm going have to give it up."
"Golf?" asked the caddie.
"No" he replied. "The Ministry."
A guy walks up to a girl in a bar and says "Hey, baby...want to
sit on my face?"
She says "Why would I? Is your nose bigger then your dick?"
The little sexy housewife was built so well that the TV
repairman couldn't concentrate on his work. Whenever she
came inside the room, he'd jerk his neck right out of joint
to look at her cleavage.
When he'd finished she paid him and said, "I'm going to make
a . . .well . . . unusual request. But you have to first
promise me you'll keep it a secret."
The repairman quickly agreed and she went on. "Well, it's
kind of embarrassing to talk about, my husband is a kind,
decent man and he has a certain physical weakness, a certain
disability, and now, I'm a woman and you're a man . . . "
The repairman could hardly speak when he said, "Yes; yes!"
"And I've been wanting to do it ever since you came in the
She continued, "Would you help me move the refrigerator?"
One day a small boy was at school. In Social Studies class
his teacher was talking about peoples last names, about how
in the old days their last name used to be their occupation.
She gave examples like Baker, which meant they where a baker
for a living, Miller meant that person worked in a paper mill,
and so on.
Then the little boy raised his hand and the teacher said "Do
you have an example for the class?"
He said " Not really, more of a question."
"Well what's your question?" the teacher asked.
"Well," said the little boy, " What did John Hancock do for
A judge was instructing the jury that a witness was not necessarily to be regarded as untruthful because he changed his statement after he gave it to the police.
"For example," he said, "when I entered my chambers today, I was positive that I had my gold watch in my pocket. But then I remembered that I left in on my nightstand in my bedroom."
When the judge returned home that evening, his wife asked him "Why so much urgency for your watch? Isn't sending three men to pick it up for you a bit extreme?"
"What?" said the judge, "I didn't send anyone for my watch, let alone three people. What did you do?"
"I gave it to the first one," said the wife, "he knew exactly where it was."
A lady from Chicago was visiting New York City. Her hostess was determined to make the Midwesterner feel cheap and unimportant."My dear," said the New York matron snobbishly, "here in the East we think breeding is everything.""Oh, I don't know," the lady from the Midwest replied."Out where I come from we think it's fun, too, but we try to have a few outside interests as well."