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Sunday, March 26, 2006

A Dash of This



Laws (some are gross)
In many cultures, an unmarried woman is considered virgin, even if she's a prostitute. It's only after marriage that she loses her virginity.
When the ancient Chinese would have sex with a goose, as a climax they used to pull off its head to feel its death contractions.
As foreplay a Ponapean man may sometimes put a fish in the woman's vulva and gently lick it.
It's illegal to have sex with a corpse anywhere in the United States.
In Harrisburg, Pennsylvania, it's against the law to have sex with a truck driver in a toll booth.
There is a law in Kingsville, Texas, that forbids pigs to have sex on Kingsville airport property.
In 1709 it was believed that the widespread infertility of Spanish women was due to singing during sex.

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One day an 85-year-old man is taking a stroll around his hometown, which he has lived in for his whole life.As he sees the landmarks, homes, and streets from his youth, he starts reminiscing.... "I remember helping build that bridge when I was 25. I worked hard on that. But people won't call you 'the bridge builder' if you do that here. No, no, they don't!" "I remember building that house over there when I was 30. But people won't call you 'the house builder' if you do that. No, no they don't!" "I remember building that tavern that I still lounge at when I was 35. If you do that people won't call you 'the tavern builder' either. They sure won't!" "But if you fuck one goat......."
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A farmer asked a friend to recommend an attorney to defend him against a charge of bestiality. "I know a great trial lawyer," the fellow said, "but he's expensive and doesn't know how to pick a jury. I know another lawyer," he continued, "who's not a great trial lawyer, but he's cheap and really knows how to pick a jury." The farmer settled on the cheap attorney, but immediately had second thoughts when the key witness, a neighbor, began his testimony. "I saw Jed mount his goat from behind," he said, "and when he was finished, I saw the goat turn around and lick Jed's pecker." The accused farmer was devastated and had all but given up hope of acquittal when a juror in overalls whispered to the fellow next to him, "You know, a good goat will do that."
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3 dogs, a Doberman, a Boxer and a Labrador are sitting in a vets office and strike up a conversation. The Doberman turns to the Boxer and asks, what are you here for? "I'm a pisser", "I piss on everything", the sofa, the cat, the kid but the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owners bed. So, what is the vet gonna do? the Doberman asks. "Lethal injection" came the sad reply from the Boxer. The Doberman turns to the Lab and asked the same question. "I'm a digger", I dig under fences, I dig up flowers and trees. I dig for the hell of it. When inside I even dig up the carpets, but I went over the limit when I dug a hole in the middle of the owner's couch. So, what they gonna go to you? "Lethal injection," replied the Dejected Lab. The Lab asked the Doberman why he was there. "I'm a humper. I'll hump anything, I'll hump the cat, pillows, the table, fire hydrants. Whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just gotten out of the shower and bent down to dry her toes and I couldn't help myself and hopped on her back and started humping away. The Boxer and Lab exchanged a sad glance and said, "So, lethal injection for you too, huh?" No, No, the Doberman said. "I'm here to get my nails clipped."
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I ran in to Bill the other day and he clearly looked very distraught. I asked him what was wrong. Bill said, "As you know, I am looking for employment. I found an ad in the paper for a part in local dinner theater, Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet. I went and tried out for the part of Romeo. However, I failed my audition through a misunderstanding over a simple stage direction. My copy of the script clearly said, "Enter Juliet from the rear."
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This month will be the anniversary of Albert Einstein's birthday. He was born March 14, 1879. Few remember that the Nobel Prize winner married his cousin, Elsa Lowenthal, after his first marriage dissolved in 1919. He stated that he was attracted to Elsa because she was well endowed. He postulated that if you are attracted to women with large breasts, the attraction is stronger if there is a DNA connection. It was called Einstein's Theory of RelativeTitty.

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Here's to woman, that beautiful vine, she blooms once a month, and bears once in nine. She is the only creature this side of hell, that can take juice from a nut, without breaking the shell.
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A redneck, a sheep, and a dog were survivors of a terrible shipwreck. They found themselves stranded on a desert island. After being there a while, they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun set. One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle; a perfect night for romance. As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the redneck. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. But the dog got jealous, growling fiercely until the redneck took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling. A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the redneck had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her, and they slowly nursed her back to health. When the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening: red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze; perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the redneck started to get "those feelings" again. He fought them as long as he could, but he finally gave in and leaned over to the young woman, cautiously, and whispered in her ear... "Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"
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Q. How do you get your husband interested in oral sex?
A. Douche with beer.

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Bumper Snickers (Something to piss off everyone)
If Sex Is A Pain In The Ass, Then You're Doing It Wrong...
Fight Crime: Shoot Back!

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Weird Fact
Russian I.M. Chisov survived a 21,980ft plunge out of a plane with no parachute. He landed on the steep side of a snow-covered mountain with only a fractured pelvis and slight concussion.

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