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Friday, March 17, 2006

Democrats and Irishmen



Links:
http://www.mxpie.com/downloads.html
http://www.royal.gov.uk/output/Page4817.asp
http://www.royal.gov.uk/output/Page1.asp
http://www.eagle-sports.com/oz/products/store.html
http://heavens-gates.com/ifiknew.html

The coolest of the lot
http://www.squirrelcam.com/


Weird Fact An eagle can kill a young deer and fly away with it.
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"Well, Mrs. O'Connor, so you want a divorce?" the solicitor questioned his client. "Tell me about it. Do you have a grudge?" "Oh, no," replied Mrs. O'Connor. "Shure now, we have a carport." The solicitor tried again. "Well, does the man beat you up?" "No, no," said Mrs. O'Connor, looking puzzled. "Oi'm always first out of bed." Still hopeful, the solicitor tried once again. "Well, does he go in for unnatural connubial practices?" "Shure now, he plays the flute, but I don't think he knows anything about the connubial." Now desperate, the solicitor pushed on. "What I'm trying to find out are what grounds you have." "Bless ye, sor. We live in a flat -- not even a window box, let alone grounds." "Mrs. O'Connor," the solicitor said in considerable exasperation, "you need a reason that the court can consider. What is the reason for you seeking this divorce?" "Ah, well now," said the lady, "Shure it's because the man can't hold an intelligent conversation."
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Did you hear about the guy who went to the races and while there he observed a Roman Catholic priest who went over to a horse and sprinkled it with holy water and the horse went on to win the race, streaks ahead of the opposition, then at before the next race he saw the priest go over to another horse and sprinkle it with holy water, and like the first horse it went on to win it's race, so the guy said to him self if the priest sprinkles another horse with holy water I am going to bet every penny I have on that horse, and sure enough the priest went over to another horse and sprinkled it with holy water, and the other guy went to a bookie and bet every penny he had on this horse. Then the race started and the horse that the priest sprinkled with holy water dropped dead about 100 yards after the start of the race, and the guy was devastated, so he went over to the priest and said what are you playing at, the last two horses you sprinkled with holy water went on to win their races, and this last one you sprinkled drop dead after only 100 yards, and I had put every penny I had on it's nose what are you playing at. The priest replied you are a protestant aren't you and the guy admitted that he was, and said but how do you know that, the priest said because you don't know the difference between giving a blessing and administering the last rights.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
It was Paddy and Seamus giving the motorcycle a ride on a brisk autumn day. After a wee bit, Paddy who was sitt'n behind Seamus on the bike began to holler ..."Seamus ... Seamus ... the wind is cutt'n me chest out!" "Well, Paddy my lad," said Seamus, "why don't you take your jacket off and turn it from front to back ... that'll block the wind for you." So Paddy took Seamus' advice and turned his jacket from front to back and got back on the bike and the two of them were off down the road again. After a bit, Seamus turned to talk to Paddy and was horrified to see that Paddy was not there. Seamus immediately turned the bike around and retraced their route. When after a short time he came to a turn and saw a bunch of farmers standing around Paddy who was sitting on the ground. "T'anks be to heaven, is he alright?" Seamus hailed to the farmers. "Well," said one of the farmers, " he was alright when we found him here .. but since we turned his head back to front .. he hasn't said a word since!"
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Two Irish friends greeted each other while waiting their turn at the bank window. "This reminds me of Finnegan," remarked one. "What about Finnegan?" inquired the other. "'Tis a story that Finnegan died, and when he greeted St. Peter, he said, 'It's a fine job you've had here for a long time.' 'Well, Finnegan,' said St. Peter, 'here we count a million years as a minute and a million dollars as a cent.' 'Ah!' said Finnegan, 'I'm needing cash. Lend me a cent.' 'Sure,' said St. Peter, 'just wait a minute.'"
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Casey and Riley agreed to settle their dispute by a fight, and it was understood that whoever wanted to quit should say "Enough!" Casey got Riley down and was hammering him unmercifully when Riley called out several times, "Enough!" Casey paid no attention, but kept on administering punishment. A bystander said, "Why don't you let him up? Don't you hear him say that he's had enough?" "I do," says Casey, "but he's such a liar, you can't believe him."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Tim O'Rourke was walking his Irish Setter in the country side. He picked up a stick and threw it, the dog went and retrieved it and brought it back. Tim then threw it in a different direction and the dog once again went and retrieved it and brought it back. Tim then threw it in another direction and it landed in a small lake. The dog went down to the water's edge, walked across the water, picked up the stick and brought it back. Well, Tim was astounded. He couldn't believe what he had seen and threw stick in the lake again, and the dog once again walked across the water to bring the stick back. As he went into town, he promised that he would show his dog's wonderful new trick to the first person he came across. Once in town the first person the dog owner came across was the town drunk Declan Dunphy. Tim dragged Declan to the lake to show him what his dog could do. Once again, the dog owner threw the stick into the small lake and the dog went to the water's edge, walked across the water, picked up the stick and brought it back to it's owner. Once the drunk saw that, he turned to the dog owner and said; "Why that's great, mister! But when are you going to teach your dog how to swim?"
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
A Democrat went to London and found himself in the Underground late one night. Seeing a notice "DOGS MUST BE CARRIED ON THE ESCALATOR", he moaned to himself, "And where am I going to find a dog at this hour of the night?"
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
What do you call a Democrat on a bicycle? A dope peddler.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
A Democrat was suffering from pains in his knees, so he visited the doctor. "You're suffering from a disease that we medical experts call "kneeitis", said the doctor. "Take it easy for a month or so and above all don't climb any stairs. That puts a terrible strain on the knees." A month later the Democrat returned and after a brief examination was found to have recovered completely. "Can I climb the stairs now Doctor?" "Certainly," replied the Doctor. "Thank Heavens," said the Democrat, "I was getting a bit tired of climbing up the drainpipe every time I wanted to go to the toilet."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
How do you recognize a Democrat pirate?
He's got a patch over each eye.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Two Democrats went on a holiday to France and stayed at a country farmhouse. They were disgusted to find that everybody in France, even the kids, spoke French. One morning they were awoken by a cock crowing. "Do you know," said one Democrat to the other, "That's the first word of English we've heard spoken since we arrived!"
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
A Democrat rang Aer Lingus and asked how long it took to fly from Dublin to London. "Just a minute sir," said the girl on the desk. "Thank you," said the Democrat and hung up.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
A fellow walked into a bar and asked the barman if he had heard the latest Democrat joke, "I'm warning you," said the barman, "I'm a Democrat myself." "That's allright," said the fellow, "I'll tell it slowly."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
A man hired a Democrat as an assistant to take phone calls. One day the phone rang and when the Democrat answered he hung up immediately. "Who was that?" asked his boss. "Some fool saying it was a long distance from New York. I told him everybody knew that."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
How do you recognise a Democrat on an oil rig? He's the one throwing crusts of bread to the helicopters...
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
A Democrat attended a concert where a ventriloquist who fancied himself as a comedian told about twenty Democrat jokes in a row. "Look," shouted the Democrat, standing up in the audience, "I'm fed up being insulted by all these jokes. We're not as stupid as you make out." "Please sit down sir & be calm," said the ventriloquist, "after all it's only a joke, and don't tell me that Democrats haven't got a sense of humor." "I'm not talking to you," said the Democrat, "I'm talking to the little fellow on your knee..."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
It was only to be expected that Democrat wouldn't take all of our jokes lying down. Scarcely had the echoes of the last Democrat joke died away when the counter-attack began. Nobody was spared and the Democrat as usual had the last laugh... What do you call an intelligent Democrat? Lucky
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
What is red and white and floats upside down on the River?
A Republican caught telling Democrat jokes.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Why do Democrats always carry a little rubbish in their pockets? Identification
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
What's the difference between a Democrat and a bucket of fertiliser? The bucket.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
A Democrat rushed into a barber's shop with a pig under his arm.
"Where did you get that?" asked the barber. "I won him in a raffle," said the pig.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
How do you save a Democrat from drowning? You don't know? Good.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back." The room is quiet, and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks the Irishman. The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses, drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?" The Irishman replies, "Oh... I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."

7 Comments:

At March 19, 2006 11:02 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

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At March 19, 2006 11:13 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

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At March 19, 2006 11:19 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

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At March 20, 2006 6:48 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

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At March 20, 2006 6:51 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

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At March 20, 2006 6:55 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

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At March 20, 2006 7:53 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

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