Thursday, March 23, 2006

Down Dirty and Feeling Bitchy (r)ated

Before Reading the following. This is MY Warning Label.
A) Get paper towels
B) Large Beverage (Irish Coffee recommended)
C) Have fun
D) Clean Keyboard.

How do you know if a woman used a vibrator while she was pregnant?
The kid stutters.

A man and his wife were having an argument in bed. He finally jumped up and took a blanket to the couch. The next day the wife feeling bad about what happened decided to buy her husband a gift, and since he was an avid golfer she went to the pro shop where he usually played golf. She talked with the pro and he suggested a putter and he showed her one of his finest. "How much is it?" she asked. "One hundred and fifty dollars," he replied. She felt that was kind of expensive and told him so. "But it comes with an inscription," he said. "What kind of inscription?" she asked. "Whatever you wish," he explained, "but one of the old golfers favorites is, NEVER UP, NEVER IN.'" "OH, that will never do!" exclaimed the wife. "That's what started the argument in the first place!"
A Young Aussie was enjoying his first night in Rome drinking cappuccino at a pavement cafe when a pretty girl sat beside him. "Hello," he said. "Do you understand English?" "Only a little," she answered. "How much?" he asked. "Fifty dollars," she replied.
This guy goes into a doctors and says "Doctor, Doctor you've gotta help me. I just can't stop having sex!" "Well how often do you have it?" the doctor asks. "Well, twice a day I have sex with my wife, TWICE a day", he answers back. "That's not so much", says the doctor. "Yes, but thats not all. Twice a day I have sex with my secretary, TWICE a day," replies the man. "Well that is probably a bit excessive," says the doctor. "Yes, but thats not all. Twice a day I have sex with a prostitute, TWICE a day," says the man. "Well, that's definitely to much", says the doctor. "You've got to learn to take yourself in hand." "I do", says the man. "Twice a day."
One time when I was visiting Toronto I asked a chap where I could find a good house of ill repute. He gave me an address and said to ask for Sally. I went to the address and requested Sally. She took me to a room, stripped down and said, "Go ahead, but let me know how it is." After a few minutes I said, "It's not bad but a bit loose." She said, "Get off for a moment." I did that and she reached down and fiddled about with her privates. "Try it now." she said. I did and found it better but still a bit loose, so I told her so. She repeated her actions and when I tried it again it was perfect. When we were finished and I was paying her I asked, "How do you manage to adjust it's size to fit anyone?" "Well," she said, "I've been in this business for some time and have developed warts on one side and wormholes on the other. I just button them up."
So one day, Gramma sent her grandson Johnny down to the water hole to get some water for cooking dinner. As he was dipping the bucket in, he saw two big eyes looking back at him. He dropped the bucket and hightailed it for Gramma's kitchen. "Well now, where's my bucket and where's my water?" Gramma asked him. "I can't get any water from that water hole, Gramma" exclaimed Johnny. "There's a BIG ole' alligator down there!" "Now don't you mind that ole' alligator, Johnny. He's been there for a few years now, and he's never hurt no one. Why, he's probably as scared of you as you are of him!" "Well, Gramma," replied Johnny, "if he's as scared of me as I am of him, then that water ain't fit to drink!"
The little boy asked, "Mommy, where do babies come from?" His mother replied, "The stork brings them." The boy, puzzled, asks, "Then who fucks the storks?
Wanna know why I refer to my ex wife as Federal Express? Because when she goes to a guy's house, it's absolutely, positively guaranteed that she'll be there overnight.
Myrddin was in the corner bar having a few when his friend Thorn stopped in and joined him. It didn't take long for Thorn to notice a string hanging out of the back of Myrddin's shirt collar that his friend kept tugging on. Finally Thorn couldn't contain his curiosity, and asked, "What's that string for?" "Two weeks ago I had a date with that dish Rosey," Myrddin explained, "and when I got her into the sack, would you believe I couldn't perform? Made me so mad that I tied this string to my dick, and every time I think of how it let me down, I pull the string and make it kiss my ass."
The kissing booth at the Charity Fair displayed a large sign: "Kisses - $5 to $50." Todd asked Nina, the girl in the booth, if the price range was a matter of duration. "Nope!" she smiled. "Lip placement."
How do you tell if you're in a redneck Amish neighborhood? By the dead horses on cinder blocks in the front yard...

A man in Kentucky had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and
proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind
it. Then he got back in the car to wait.
A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned
around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.
The man replied, "I have a flat tire."
The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"
The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in
the front and flares in the back! I never did understand it either."

On their honeymoon, the blonde bride slipped into a sexy nightie and,
with great anticipation, crawled into bed, only to find that her new
Catholic husband had settled down on the couch.
When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to her,
he replied, "It's Lent."
In tears, she remarked, "Well, that is the most ridiculous thing I have ever
heard! Who did you lend it to, and for how long?"

What The Doctor Really Means

"Well, what have we here...?"
He has no idea and is hoping you'll give him a clue.

"Well, we're not feeling so well today, are we...?"
I'm stalling for time.

"If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call."
I don't know what it is. Maybe it will go away by itself.

"Let me check your medical history."
I want to see if you've paid your last bill before spending
anymore time with you.

"Well, now, we have some good news and some bad news."
The good news is, I'm going to buy that new BMW. The bad news is,
you're going to pay for it.

"This should be taken care of right away."
I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so easy and
profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself.

"Let me schedule you for some lab tests."
I have a forty percent interest in the lab.

"Let's see how it develops."
Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that really
needs to be cured.

"I'd like to prescribe a new drug."
I'm writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig.

"That's quite a nasty looking wound."
I think I'm going to throw up.

"This may smart a little."
Last week two patients almost bit off their tongues.

"This should fix you up."
The drug company slipped me some big bucks to prescribe this stuff.
Hope it works...

"Everything seems to be normal."
Rats! I guess I can't buy that new beach condo after all.

"I'd like to run some more tests."
I can't figure out what's wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one
The reason there are so many problems between men and women is that
they have such different views of sex and relationships.

Women want a relationship without the complication of unnecessary sex;

Men want sex without the complication of an unnecessary relationship.

Husband suspects wife is cheating, tactfully he asks:
Honey I think I'm playing second fiddle.

Wife: With a flute like yours you are lucky to be in the band!

An American businessman was in Japan. He hired a local hooker
and was going at it when she cried out, "Fujifoo, fujifoo", which the
guy took to be an exclamation of pleasure.
The next day, he was golfing with his Japanese counterparts and got a
hole in one. Wanting to impress them, eh yeled, "Fujifoo."
The Japanese businessmen looked confused and said, "No, you got the right hole."

One of the best things about being a high school guidance counselor
is telling these sullen teenagers they can either stop feeling crappy
all the time, or put that talent to good use and continue on their
current path toward a career in proctology.

When the driver of a huge trailer lost control of his rig, he plowed
into an empty tollbooth and smashed it to pieces. He climbed down
from the wreckage and within a matter of minutes, a truck pulled up
and discharged a crew of workers. The men picked up each broken piece
of the former tollbooth and spread some kind of creamy substance on
it. Then they began fitting the pieces together. In less than a half
hour, they had the entire tollbooth reconstructed and looking good as
new. "Astonishing!" the truck driver said to the crew chief. "What
was the white stuff you used to get all the pieces together?" The
crew chief said, "Oh, that was tollgate booth paste."

When my sister teased her four-year-old daughter by suggesting she
liked a certain boy in her kindergarten class, the little girl was
quite indignant. "No mommy, I don't," she replied, "because he's only
interested in one thing." Shocked, my sister cautiously asked what
that might be. "Power Rangers, of course," said the toddler.


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