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Monday, March 13, 2006

(G)ated Giggles

The Great Salt Planes in Oklahoma

A lonely girl who was very forward worked in a bookstore where one of the men that provided service for the store was kind of cute. During each service call she made every effort to make sure she told him she was divorced and available. One day she came out and ask him, "Are you married?" He answered her and said, "Well actually, I'm involved with someone." "Oh" she said disappointed, "seems like the good ones always are." "Well", he said, "Actually I'm involved with a married woman." "Oh, really!" she said with a renewed interest. "Yeah," he says, "but unfortunately she's my wife."
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Definition of an Irish husband: He hasn't kissed his wife for twenty years, but he will kill any man who does.
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Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink. Quinn thinks he's very lucky because his own wife makes him walk.
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The late Bishop Sheen stated that the reason the Irish fight so often among themselves is that they're always assured of having a worthy opponent.
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An American lawyer asked, "Paddy, why is it that whenever you ask an Irishman a question, he answers with another question?" "Who told you that?" asked Paddy.
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Question - Why are Irish jokes so simple?
Answer - So the English can understand them.
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Reilly went to trial for armed robbery. The jury foreman came out and announced, "Not guilty." "That's grand!" shouted Reilly. "Does that mean I can keep the money?"
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Irish lass customer: "Could I be trying on that dress in the window?" Shopkeeper: "I'd prefer that you use the dressing room."
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Mrs. Feeney shouted from the kitchen, "Is that you I hear spittin' in the vase on the mantle piece?" "No," said himself, "but I'm gettin' closer all the time."
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Q. What do you call an Irishman who knows how to control a wife?
A. A bachelor.

~~~~#~~~#~~~#~~~~
Finnegin: My wife has a terrible habit of staying up 'til two o'clock in the morning. I can't break her of it. Keenan: What on earth is she doin' at that time? Finnegin: Waitin' for me to come home.
~~~~#~~~#~~~#~~~~
Slaney phoned the maternity ward at the hospital. "Quick!" He said. "Send an ambulance, my wife is goin' to have a baby!" "Tell me, is this her first baby?" the intern asked. "No, this is her husband, Kevin, speakin'."
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"O'Ryan," asked the druggist, "did that mudpack I gave you improve your wife's appearance?" "It did surely," replied O'Ryan, "but it keeps fallin' off!"
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Did you hear about the Irish newlyweds who sat up all night on their honeymoon waiting for their sexual relations to arrive?
~~~~#~~~#~~~#~~~~
Father Guffy roared from the pulpit to his parishioners: "The drink has killed millions-- it rots their stomachs and they die in agony. Smoking has killed millions--it coats your lungs and you die in agony. Overeating and consorting with loose women have also killed millions..." " 'Scuse me, Father," hollered Reagan from the back, "but what is it that kills the people who live right?
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My mother wanted me to be a priest. Can you imagine giving up your sex life and then once a week people come in to tell you the details and highlights of theirs?
~~~~#~~~#~~~#~~~~
An old Jewish man goes to a diner every day for lunch. He always orders the soup du jour. One day the manager asks him how he liked his meal. The old man replies (with Yiddish accent) "Wass goot, but you could give a little more bread." So the next day the manager tells the waitress to give him four slices of bread. "How was your meal, sir?" the manager asks. "Wass goot, but you could give a little more bread," comes the reply. So the next day the manager tells the waitress to give him eight slices of bread. "How was your meal today, sir?" the manager asks. "Wass goot, but you could give a little more bread," comes the reply. So ... the next day the manager tells the waitress to give him a whole loaf of bread with his soup. "How was your meal, sir?" the manager asks, when he comes to pay. "Wass goot, but you could give just a little more bread," comes the reply once again. The manager is now obsessed with seeing this customer say that he is satisfied with his meal, so he goes to the bakery, and orders a six-foot-long loaf of bread. When the man comes in as usual the next day, the waitress and the manager cut the loaf in half, butter the entire length of each half, and lay it out along the counter, right next to his bowl of soup. The old man sits down, and devours both his bowl of soup, and both halves of the six-foot-long loaf of bread. The manager now thinks he will get the answer he is looking for, and when the old man comes up to pay for his meal, the manager asks in the usual way: "How was your meal TODAY, sir?" The old Jew replies: "It wass goot as usual, but I see you are back to giving only two slices of bread!"
~~~~#~~~#~~~#~~~~
Patrick O'Reilly was lucky. Since the day he had found that four-leaf clover, everything good seemed to come his way. He had met the wonderful Rosie, and after a whirlwind romance, they were married. And now, a year later, he was the proud father of beautiful twins, a boy and a girl. At work, the story was the same. He had been promoted and had received a substantial raise, and now the firm had come up with a profit sharing plan. Paddy was certain his good fortune was due to his four-leaf clover. Everywhere he went, he was certain to be carrying the talisman in his suit pocket. One morning, Paddy could not find the clover. He searched the house, but it was not there. In panic, he tried to recall when he had last seen it. He finally recalled it was in his grey suit that he had dropped off at the dry cleaners. He rushed to the cleaners only to find that the work had been completed and his suit was ready to be picked up. He searched the suit and found the four-leaf clover, still in one piece but now flattened from the dry cleaning. From that day on, Paddy's fortunes changed. Life was good but was no longer perfect. The little inconveniences were always there. He had a flat tire as he was driving to an important meeting. The twins developed measles when his boss and his wife were over for dinner. No, Paddy's life had changed. He still carried the amulet, but he was certainly not living under the silver lining he was used to and had come to expect. Finally, he had had enough. He visited the parish priest to see if he could help him understand what had happened. "This certainly should have been expected," he was told. "You should have known that it is never right to press one's luck."
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A Graduate Nurse throws up when the patient does.
An experienced nurse calls housekeeping when a patient throws up.
A Graduate Nurse wears so many pins on their name badge you can't read it.
An experienced nurse doesn't wear a name badge for liability reasons.
A Graduate Nurse charts too much.
An experienced nurse doesn't chart enough.
A Graduate Nurse loves to run to codes.
An experienced nurse makes graduate nurses run to codes.
A Graduate Nurse wants everyone to know they are a nurse.
An experienced nurse doesn't want anyone to know they are a nurse.
A Graduate Nurse keeps detailed notes on a pad.
An experienced nurse writes on the back of their hand, paper scraps, napkins, etc.
A Graduate Nurse will spend all day trying to reorient a patient.
An experienced nurse will chart the patient is disoriented and restrain them.
A Graduate Nurse can hear a beeping I-med at 50 yards.
An experienced nurse can't hear any alarms at any distance.
A Graduate Nurse loves to hear abnormal heart and breath sounds.
An experienced nurse doesn't want to know about them unless the patient is symptomatic.
A Graduate Nurse spends 2 hours giving a patient a bath.
An experienced nurse lets the CNA give the patient a bath.
A Graduate Nurse thinks people respect Nurses.
An experienced nurse knows everybody blames everything on the nurse.
A Graduate Nurse looks for blood on a bandage hoping they will get to change it.
An experienced nurse knows a little blood never hurt anybody.
A Graduate Nurse looks for a chance "to work with the family" An experienced nurse avoids the family.
A Graduate Nurse expects meds and supplies to be delivered on time.
An experienced nurse expects them to never be delivered at all.
A Graduate Nurse will spend days bladder training an incontinent patient. An experienced nurse will insert a Foley catheter.
A Graduate Nurse always answers their phone.
An experienced nurse checks their caller ID before answering the phone.
A Graduate Nurse thinks psych patients are interesting.
An experienced nurse thinks psych patients are crazy.
A Graduate Nurse carries reference books in their bag.
An experienced nurse carries magazines, lunch, and some "cough syrup" in their bag.
A Graduate Nurse doesn't find this funny.
An experienced nurse does.

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LAW OF QUEUE: If you change queues, the one you have left will start to move faster than the one you are in now.
LAW OF TELEPHONE: When you dial a wrong number, you never get an engaged one.
LAW OF MECHANICAL REPAIR: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.
LAW OF THE WORKSHOP: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
LAW OF THE ALIBI: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire.
BATH THEOREM: When the body is immersed in water, the telephone rings.
LAW OF ENCOUNTERS: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
LAW OF THE RESULT: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will!
LAW OF BIOMECHANICS: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
THEATRE RULE: People with the seats at the furthest from the aisle arrive last.
LAW OF COFFEE: As soon as you sit down for a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

~~~~#~~~#~~~#~~~~
Fun things to do in Church
Put stray dogs in coat closets.
Un-tune the piano. Replace the pianist's sheet music with "Stairway to Heaven".
Going through all the hymnals, mark song 666.
Find an empty seat, and ask the person next to it: "Is this seat SAVED?"
Toss around a giant beach ball before service, like at Grateful Dead concerts.
Ten minutes before it starts, find a kid in the front rows, hand him a dollar, and tell him to ask the preacher: "Would you rather be stoned or crucified?"
Hide copies of Hustler inside the pulpit. Point them out.
Start a wave.
Do cool things with the lighting.
Wear an ankh or a new-age crystal pendant.
Make up your own words to the songs.
Twenty minutes into the service, look at your watch, stand up, and say: "HEY. This isn't the wedding!" Run out quickly.
Eat dry Cap'n Crunch through the entire service.
Dress all in camo.
Pierce the body of a tiny animal with stainless-steel wire. Wear it in your ear as jewellery. If you are male, wear two.
Change sets for the evening service.
If it is an Easter service, wear a pastel jacket, tie, and matching shorts. If you are male, wear a floral-print dress instead.
At a church dinner, scoop up a forkful of mashed potatoes. Announce that you can see an image of Jesus.
Place blocks of dry ice near the air ducts.
Take off your shoes and socks.
Hide near the baptismal pool with a block of sodium. At the first mention of "fire and brimstone", throw it in.
Inflate balloons, then send them off.
Mark places in the Bible or hymnal with religious-themed Far Side cartoons.
Turn in the Bible to the Ten Commandments (Exodus 20: 3-17). Draw in asterisks and write exceptions at the bottom of the page.
Make the sun reflect off your watch into the preacher's face.
Make calls to 900 numbers on the phone in the kitchen.
During the service, play with plastic dinosaurs. If someone asks what you're doing, tell them: "These are dinosaurs. They ruled the earth over 65 million years ago."
Discreetly position a number of bottle rockets on the floor. Discreetly light them.
Snicker every time the preacher talks about someone being stoned, especially Stephen.
Dip communion wafers in communion wine. Eat it and exaggerate on how good it is.
When they pass around the collection plate, drop in a piece of paper with Pat Robertson's MasterCard number.
Blow bubbles.
Fake a possession.
Distribute condoms.
Speak in tongues.
Ask where the nearest ashtray is.
Drool in the collection plate.
Ask someone what they think about the Book of Peleponnesians.
After they tell you, inform them that there is no Book of Peleponnesians.
After a Catholic service, stand outside and tell Polish jokes. When someone points out that Pope John Paul II came from Poland, act embarrassed.
Show unusual interest in any reference to the word "Ministry".
At a church supper, bring a casserole with a ring or piece of a wristwatch embedded inside. Write on the bathroom wall:
"The eyes of the LORD are upon you!!!"
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A convicted felon was given ten years without parole for his latest crime. After 2 years in jail, he managed to escape. His escape was the lead item on the six o'clock news. Because he had to be careful, he worked his way home taking little travelled routes, running across deserted fields and taking every precaution he could think of. Eventually he arrived at his house and he rang the bell. His wife opened the door and bellowed at him, "You good-for-nothing bum! Where the hell have ya been? You escaped over six hours ago."
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Two nuns were shopping in a food store and happened to be passing the beer and liquor section. One asks the other if she would like a beer. The other nun answered that would be good, but that she would be queasy about purchasing it. The first nun said that she would handle it and picked up a six pack and took it to the cashier. The cashier had a surprised look and the first nun said, "The beer is used for washing our hair." The cashier, without blinking an eye, reached under the counter and put a package of pretzels in the bag with the beer saying, "Here, don't forget the curlers."
~~~~#~~~#~~~#~~~~
Why Teachers Weep Then Jesus took his disciples up on the mountain and taught them, saying: "Blessed are the poor in spirit, Blessed are the meek, Blessed are the merciful, Blessed are you who thirst for justice, Blessed are you who are persecuted, Blessed are the peacemakers . . ." And Simon Peter said, "Do we have to write this stuff down?" And Phillip said, "Will this be on the test?" And John said, "I'm sorry. Would you mind repeating that?" And Andrew said, "John the Baptist's disciples don't have to learn this stuff!" And Matthew said, "Huh?" And Judas said, "What does this have to do with real life?" Then, one of the Pharisees, an expert in the law, said, "I don't see any of this in your syllabus. Do you have a lesson plan? Is there a summary? Where is the student guide? Will there be any follow-up assignments? How will this affect the bell curve?" And Thomas, who had missed the sermon, came to Jesus privately and said, "Did we do anything important yesterday?" And Jesus wept.
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A blonde came running up to her husband in the driveway as he came home from work just jumping for joy. He didn't know why she was jumping for joy but thought, what the heck, and started jumping up and down with her. When she said, "Honey, I have some really great news for you!" He said, "Great, tell me what you're so happy about!" She stopped jumping and was breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, when she told him that she was pregnant! He kissed her and told her, "That's great! I couldn't be happier!" Then, she said, "Oh, honey, there's more!" He asked, "What do you mean, 'more'?" She said, "Well, we are not having just one baby, we are going to have TWINS!" Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, he asked her how she knew. She said, "Well, that was the easy part. I went to Wal-Mart and bought the TWIN PACK home pregnancy test kit and BOTH tests came out positive.
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A Texan died and ascended into Heaven. St. Peter met him and welcomed him saying "You will certainly enjoy Paradise." The Texan shook his head sadly and said "I always thought that TEXAS was Paradise." St. Peter said "Well, let me show you what we have to offer." He took the Texan to an area that had a beautiful river flowing through it with wildlife and flowers everywhere. "Isn't this beautiful?" said St. Peter. The Texan replied, "Yes, but not as pretty as the area around SAN ANTONIO." Somewhat ruffled, St. Peter took him to another area where there were rolling hills, whitetail deer and bluebonnets and Indian Paintbrush every- where. "Now" said St. Peter "Have you ever seen anything so wonderful?" The Texan paused and said "Yes, it is beautiful but it does not hold a candle to the TEXAS HILL COUNTRY in the springtime." Becoming more upset, St. Peter then took the Texan to a beautiful white beach, with gentle waves, and an azure sky. "Now have you seen anything this beautiful in Texas" said St. Peter. The Texan smiled and said "I guess you've never been to SOUTH PADRE ISLAND". At this point, St. Peter took the Texan to a large rock. On the side of the rock was a huge iron door. St. Peter opened the door and they stepped into an elevator and started going down. As they descended, it grew more and more hot. When the elevator door opened, it revealed the fires of damnation-Hell. St. Peter said, "Now, have you got anything in Texas that can top that?" The Texan thought a moment and shook his head. "No, but I know a couple of old boys from a company called Halliburton that can put that thing out for you."
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Why Teachers Weep Then Jesus took his disciples up on the mountain and taught them, saying: "Blessed are the poor in spirit, Blessed are the meek, Blessed are the merciful, Blessed are you who thirst for justice, Blessed are you who are persecuted, Blessed are the peacemakers . . ." And Simon Peter said, "Do we have to write this stuff down?" And Phillip said, "Will this be on the test?" And John said, "I'm sorry. Would you mind repeating that?" And Andrew said, "John the Baptist's disciples don't have to learn this stuff!" And Matthew said, "Huh?" And Judas said, "What does this have to do with real life?" Then, one of the Pharisees, an expert in the law, said, "I don't see any of this in your syllabus. Do you have a lesson plan? Is there a summary? Where is the student guide? Will there be any follow-up assignments? How will this affect the bell curve?" And Thomas, who had missed the sermon, came to Jesus privately and said, "Did we do anything important yesterday?" And Jesus wept.
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Two lawyers met at a cocktail party. "How's business?" asked the first. "Rotten," replied the other. "Yesterday, I chased an ambulance for twenty miles. When I finally caught up to it, there was already another lawyer hanging on the bumper!"
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Morris bought a Lamborghini. However, after buying it, he feels a bit guilty. So, he goes to the Rabbi of the Orthodox synagogue in his town and asks for a mezuzah for the Lamborghini. "You want a mezuzah for what?" the Rabbi asks. "It's a Lamborghini," the man replies. "What's a Lamborghini?" asks the Rabbi. "A car, an Italian sports car." "What? That is blasphemy!" the Rabbi shouts. "You want a mezuzah for a goyish sports car? Go to the Conserv- atives!" Well, Morris is disappointed, but he waits a few days and finally goes to the Conservative Rabbi and asks for a mezuzah. "You want a mezuzah for what?" the Rabbi asks. "It's a Lamborghini," the man replies. "What's a Lamborghini?" asks the Rabbi. "A car, an Italian sports car." "What? Are you crazy ?" the Rabbi shouts. "You want a mezuzah for a sports car? Go to the Reform Rabbi!" Again, the man feels guilty and disappointed, but he really wants to put a mezuzah on the door of his new car. So Morris goes to the Reform Rabbi. "Rabbi," he asks, "I'd like a mezuzah for my Lamborghini." "You have a Lamborghini?" asks the Rabbi. "You know what it is?" says the Morris. Of course! It's a fantastically expensive Italian sports car.... But what's a mezuzah?", the Rabbi asks.
~~~~#~~~#~~~#~~~~
Signs You've Chosen a "No Frills" Airline You can't board the plane unless you have the exact change. Before you take off, the stewardess tells you to fasten your Velcro. The Captain asks all the passengers to chip in a little for gas. When they pull the steps away, the plane starts rocking. The Captain yells at the ground crew to get the cows off the runway. You ask the Captain how often their planes crash and he says, "Just once." No movie. Don't need one. Your life keeps flashing before your eyes. You see a man with a gun, but he's demanding to be let off the plane. All the planes have both a bathroom and a chapel.
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Max Levy goes to his doctor complaining of aches and pains all over his body. After a thorough examination, the doctor gives him a clean bill of health. "Max, you're in excellent shape for an 85 year old man. But I'm not a magician - I can't make you any younger", says the doctor. "Who asked you to make me younger?" says Max. "Just make sure I get older!"
~~~~#~~~#~~~#~~~~
A woman's husband asked her what she wanted for Mother's Day. She thought for a moment and said, "This year I just want cold, hard cash for a change." The following day her husband filled her request. He put $20 in nickels, dimes and quarters into a quart jar, then filled it with water and placed it in the freezer. On Mother's Day, he handed his wife a solidly frozen bottle of change.
~~~~#~~~#~~~#~~~~
Jeff was married and a philanderer. A friend finally took him to task. "When you run around with other women, doesn't your conscience bother you?" "Yes, for a certain length of time...and then if I don't hear from their lawyers, I feel better."
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Why we don't steal pickup trucks (taken from the South Dakota Magazine)
Horses maybe, and money and Mercedes, but a real South Dakotan won't touch another man's pickup, and here are a few of the reasons why.
South Dakota trucks have a range of 20 miles before they overheat, breakdown or run out of gas
Only the owner knows how to operate the door
It's difficult to escape quickly with all the fencing tools, grease rags, ropes, chains, buckets, boots and paperwork in the cab
Smoke coming up through the rusted floorboard clouds your vision
The Border Collie on the toolbox seems mean
They're too easy for troopers to spot: "ten-four, the driver's side is red, the passenger door is green and the right fender is yellow."
The large round bale in the back hurts your visability when you're being chased
It's hard to commit a crime with everyone waving at you

~~~~#~~~#~~~#~~~~
Because an increasing number of people are having heart attacks while gambling, the big, high-class casinos are now equipped with sophisticated defibrillators. They are computer-controlled to deliver the exact electric shock needed to revive a heart attack victim. That is, if you're at a big, high- class casino. At the cheaper casinos downtown, they just drag you across the carpet and touch your finger to the doorknob.
~~~~#~~~#~~~#~~~~
The girl knelt in the confessional and said, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned." "What is it, child?" "Father, I have committed the sin of vanity. Twice a day I gaze at myself in the mirror and tell myself how beautiful I am." The priest turned, took a good look at the girl, and said, "My dear, I have good news. That isn't a sin - it's only a mistake."
~~~~#~~~#~~~#~~~~
A serious drunk walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her. She jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her." "Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!" she screamed. "Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."
~~~~#~~~#~~~#~~~~
After waiting more than an hour and a half for her date, the young lady decided she had been stood up. She changed from her dinner dress into pajamas and slippers, fixed some popcorn and resigned herself to an evening of TV. No sooner had she flopped down in front of the TV than her doorbell rang. There stood her date. He took one look at her and gasped, "I'm two hours late . . . and you're still not ready?"

The Glass Mountians in Western Oklahoma

3 Comments:

At March 14, 2006 7:10 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey! Very Nice! Check out this website I found where you can get a FREE
GAME SYSTEM. It's not available everywhere, so go to the site and put
in your zipcode to see if you can get it. I got mine and sold it!



href="http://www.degree-programs-online.info/extramoney.html">http://www.degree-programs-online.info/extramoney.htm

 
At March 14, 2006 3:34 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey everyone, very nice! I just found a place where
you can get a FREE Game System! I got mine and sold it.
Just put in your zip code to see if you can get one in your
area. Very cool!

http://www.degree-programs-online.info/freestuff.html

 
At March 16, 2006 7:07 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Very nice! I found a place where you can
make some nice extra cash secret shopping. Just go to the site below
and put in your zip to see what's available in your area.
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