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Tuesday, March 21, 2006

Giggles and Stuff

Top of the news recently has been the mess in France, the spreading insurgency of the populace. CNN news this afternoon reported that President Bush today authorized the Joint Chiefs of Staff to begin drawing up a battle plan to pull France's ass out of the fire again. Facing an apparent overwhelming force of over 400 pissed-off teenagers, and suffering the loss of several key white flag production facilities, President Bush doubts France's ability to hold off the rioting forces. "Hell, if the last two World Wars are any indication, I'd expect Jacky Chirac to surrender any day now", the President said. Hurried due to the fear of French capitulation, General Peter Pace, U.S.M.C., Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, warned the President that it might be necessary to send up to five Marines to get things under control. When asked if such a force might be considered overkill for such a mission, General Pace responded "I understand that sending 5 of my boys might be a bit much, but I want this thing under control within 24 hours of arriving on scene." He went on to say that he was having a hard time finding even one Marine to help "those ungrateful bastards out for a third time," but felt confident he could persuade a few to take the mission during an overnight layover on the way to Iraq . President Bush urged swiftness in the deployment of Marine forces, and reminded General Pace to prohibit our troops from taking any soap, razors or deodorant with them. "The less they stand out from the French, the better off they'll be."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
It was with much wringing of hands that Rachael discovered her husband, Hymie, had a mistress. Rachael, however, was not the sort to kill the goose that lays golden eggs; rather, she decided to find out what the mistress had that she didn't. After a long interrogation Hymie finally relented. "Well, to tell you the truth, Rachael, you are too cold. When we make love you don't do anything. You just lay there, whereas she moans and groans with feeling". "Is that all" thought Rachael, "is that all there is to it?" That night she dressed in her most alluring lingerie, slipped Hymie a shot of his favorite cognac and got him into bed. Half way through the business she decided to give him her most passionate moans and groans. "Oh Hymie, darling" she began. "I've had the most terrible day. Our shares dropped two points. The washing machine broke down. you don't give me enough housekeeping money........"
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship. Little Sally led off: "I sold Girl Scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly. "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success." "Very good," said the teacher. Little Jenny was next: "I sold magazines," she said. "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events." "Very good, Jenny," said the teacher. Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath. Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467.00" he said. "$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?" "Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny. "Toothbrushes," echoed the teacher..."How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?" "I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny. "I set up a Dip & Chip stand. I gave everybody who walked by a sample. They all said the same thing, 'Hey, this tastes like shit!'. Then I would say, 'It IS shit. Wanna buy a toothbrush?'
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter came and took their drink order. "I would like a Sprite," said the first little piggy. "I would like a Coke," said the second little piggy. "I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy. The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner. "I want a nice big steak," said the first piggy. "I would like the salad plate," said the second piggy. "I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy. The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert. "I want a banana split," said the first piggy. "I want a root beer float," said the second piggy. "I want beer, lots and lots of beer," exclaimed the third little piggy. "Pardon me for asking," said the waiter to the third little piggy," but why have you only ordered beer all evening?" The third piggy says - "Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!"
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
A Jewish man was in St. Vincent's Hospital recovering from an operation when a nun walked into his room. She was there to cheer up the sick and ailing.
The man and nun started talking and the nun asked about the man's life. The man talked about his wife and 13 children.
"My, my," said the nun, "13 children . . . You're a good, proper Catholic family man. G-d is very proud of you!"
"I'm sorry, Sister," the man said, "I am not Catholic. I'm Jewish."
"Jewish!?" she replies and immediately gets up to leave.
"Sister, why are you leaving?"
"I didn't realize I was talking to a sex maniac!"

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
A golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the hospital. Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him. "I have some good news and some bad news," says the surgeon. "The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!""Oh God no!" cries the man. "My golfing is over! Please Doc, what's the good news?""The good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman's arm. I'll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant.""Go for it doc" says the man, "as long as I can play golf again."The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon. "Hi, how's the new arm?" asks the surgeon."Just great" says the businessman. "I'm playing the best golf of my life. My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved.""That's great," said the surgeon."Not only that," continued the golfer, "my handwriting has improved, I've learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting landscapes in watercolors.""Unbelievable!" said the surgeon. "I'm so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success. Are you having any side effects?""Well, just one problem," said the golfer, "every time I get an erection, I also get a headache."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation.
When they get there, the guy goes out to chop some wood.
When he gets back, he says, "Honey, my hands are freezing!"
She says, "Well, put them here between my thighs and that will warm them up."
After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and says again, "Man! My hands are really freezing!"
She says again, "Well, put them here between my thighs and warm them up."
He does, and again that warms him up.
After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop some wood to get them through the night.
When he returns, he says again, "Honey, my hands are really freezing!"
She looks at him and says, "For crying out loud, don't your ears ever get cold?"

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Preaching to a Bear A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi all served as chaplains tothe students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette. They wouldget together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop. One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't reallyall that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. Onething led to another and they decided to do an experiment. They wouldall go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt toconvert it. Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience. Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and hasvarious bandages, goes first. "Well," he says, "I went into the woodsto find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him fromthe Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and beganto slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled himand, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishopis coming out next week to give him first communion." Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an armand both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire andbrimstone oratory he claimed, "WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don'tsprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began toread to him from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to dowith me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. Wewrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to acreek. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And justlike you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest ofthe week in Fellowship, and feasting on God's Holy Word." They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in andout of him. He was in bad shape. The rabbi looks up and says, "Youfellows don't even know what trouble is until you try to circumcise abear."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
A woman wanted to reach her husband on his mobile phone but discovered that she was out of credit, She instructed her son to use his own phone to pass across an urgent message to his daddy who was on site. After junior had called, he got back to mummy to inform her that there was a lady that picked up daddy's phone the three times he tried reaching dad on the mobile. (Women!!)
She waited impatiently for her husband to return from work and upon seeing him in the driveway, she rushed out and gave him a tight slap, and she slapped him again, for good measure.
People from the neighbourhood rushed around to find out what the cause of the commotion was. The woman asked junior to tell everybody what the lady said to him when he called.
Junior said "The subscriber you have dialled is not available at present. Please Try Again Later"...

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
It was a small town, and the patrolman was making his evening rounds. As he was checking a used car lot, he came upontwo little old ladies sitting in a used car.He stopped and asked them, "Why are you sitting in that car? Are you trying to steal it?" "Heavens no, we bought it.""Then, why don't you drive it away?""We can't drive.""Then, why did you buy it?""We were told that, if we bought a car here, we'd get screwed; so, we're just waiting."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Weird Fact
An Octopus has 3 hearts!
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Weird Fact
An ear of corn always has an even number of rows because of the genetic formula which divides the cells.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
The first time I hitchhiked I got beat up. I used the wrong finger!
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
A mother traveled 2,000 miles to be with her only son on the dayhe was to receive his Air Force wings and also get married."It was wonderful," she said later. "It isn't every day that amother watches her son receive his wings in the morning and havethem clipped in the evening."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs to be
alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. Many females
use a date rape drug on the market called "Beer."
The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans,
or from taps and in large "kegs". Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties
and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them. A woman needs only to
get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex.
Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several beers, men will often
succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women whom they would never
normally be attracted to. After drinking beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories
of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling
that "something bad" occurred.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Top 10 Reasons E-Mail is Like a Penis:
10. Those who have it would be devastated if it was ever cut off.
9. Those who have it think that those who don't are somehow inferior.
8. Those who don't have it may agree that it's neat, but think it's not worth the fuss that those who have it make about it.
7. Many of those who don't have it would like to try it, a phenomenon psychologists call "E-mail Envy."
6. It's more fun when it's up, but this makes it hard to get any real work done.
5. In the distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it mostly for fun.
4. If you don't take proper precautions, it can spread viruses.
3. We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant.
2. If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you into a lot of trouble. And the number one reason "Why e-mail is like a penis."
1. If you play with it too much, you'll go blind!

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
George has decided to get married, but not just to anybody. He wants to marry a virgine, a good girl that hasn't fooled around and won't ever. After a bit of thinking, he makes up this scheme to tell "good girls" from "bad girls". One day, as he's going down the street, he spots Janice, one of the three young women on his "eligible" list. He walks right up to her, pulls down his pants and flashes her. "Well, Janice," he sais, "what do you reckon this is?" "Why, it's a dick, of course," replies Janice instantly. Obviously, Janice has been with men before, thinks George, and he cuts her off the list. Next on the list is Christine. After finding her, he goes on and flashes her too. "Tell me, Christine, what do you think this is?" "It's your dick, George," answers Christine. Off the list goes Christine. His final hope is in Mary. He finds her and proceeds to the flashing. "Mary, what do you think this is?" asks George. Mary looks at his dick for a whole minute, then finaly answers. "I honestly don't know, George, I'm sorry." "ARE YOU SURE?" asks George again, unbelieving. "Here, study it all you want, just be sure." Mary takes her time and studies George's organ for a full quarter of an hour. "Sorry, George, I still can't tell what it could possibly be." George is thrilled, and proposes to her. A few weeks later, they are married. It's their first night together. They both go to bed, naked, and George feels it's time to explain a few things to his wife. "Mary, I'm going to learn you something very important. See this thing here, between my legs. That's a dick." "THAT is a dick?" gasps Mary. "You should see John's!"
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
My Girl Is So Big....
Her clit has a knee.
She took off all her clothes, lied in bed, spread her legs... I said to myself, "What am I doing in this lane? I don't have exact change."
She was always fat................She was born an only twin.
She used to find money that was left under her pillow by the tusk fairy.
She was built like the Liberty Bell, only her crack was bigger.
Her last gynecologist quit........He was afraid of the dark.
I took her to Mount Rushmore, she couldn't decide which face to sit on...
Of course, she insists that she's not fat, it's just that they built the sidewalks too close to her ass.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee. "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room,
"Why are you down here at this time of night?". The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly. The wife is
touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do" she replies. The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?" "Yes, I! remember" says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continues...
"Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'" "I remember that too" she replies softly. He wipes another tear from his cheek and says..."I would have gotten out today...

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
The American Navy found they had too many officers and decided to
offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered
for retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between
any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be. The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the
tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000. The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the
tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000. The third one was a noncommissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he
would like to be measured replied, "From the tip of my weenie to my testicles." It was suggested
by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the
previous two officers had received. But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along
with him providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer. The medical officer
arrived and instructed the Chief to "drop 'em," which he did. The medical officer placed the
tape measure on the tip of the Chief's weenie and began to work back. Dear Lord!"
he suddenly exclaimed, "Where are your testicles?" The old Chief calmly replied, "Vietnam."


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
My Dear Wife:You will surely understand that I have certain needs that your 54-year-oldbody can no longer supply. I am very happy with you and I value you as agood wife. Therefore after reading this letter, I hope that you will notwrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my18-year-old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be perturbedI shall be back home before midnight.When he came home, he found the following letter on the dining room table:

My Dear Husband,I received your letter and thank you for your honesty. I would like totake this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. Atthe same time I would like to inform you that while you read this, I willbe at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, my tennis coach who, like yoursecretary, is also 18 years old. As a successful businessman and withyour excellent knowledge of math, you will understand that we are in thesame Situation, although with one small difference: 18 goes into 54 a lotmore times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore, I will not be back beforelunchtime tomorrow.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~


2 Comments:

At March 22, 2006 7:31 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

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At March 24, 2006 5:18 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

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