A guy goes into a drugstore to buy condoms.
"What size?" asks the clerk?
"Gee, I don't know."
"Go see Sophie in aisle 4." He goes over to see Sophie, who grabs him in the
crotch, and yells, "Medium!" The guy is mortified! He hurries over to pay and
Another guy comes in to buy condoms, and gets sent to Sophie in aisle 4.
Sophie grabs him and yells, "Large!" The guy struts over to the register, pays,
A high school kid comes in to buy condoms.
"What size?" The kid embarrassedly says "I've never done this before. I don't
know what size." The clerk sends him over to Sophie in aisle 4. She grabs him
and yells "Clean up in aisle 4!"
She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes,
crates and suitcases.
On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.
On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining
room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music and feasted on a
pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar and a bottle of Chardonnay.
When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few
half-eaten shrimp dipped in caviar, into the hollow of the curtain rods.
She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days.
Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything; cleaning, mopping and
airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steamed.
Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas
canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end even paid to
replace the expensive wool carpeting.
Nothing worked. People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the
house. The maid quit. Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.
A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for
their stinky house. Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return
Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.
The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the
rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly, and would
be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.
Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about
1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day.
She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.
A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack
everything to take to their new home.... .......including the curtain rods.
I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU?????
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What are Politics?"
Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way:
..1. I'm the head of the family, so call me The President.
..2. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the
..3. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People.
..4. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class.
..5 And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future.
"Now, think about that and see if it makes sense."
So, the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to
check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.
So, the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother sound
asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the
door locked, he looks in the peephole and finds his father in bed with
the Nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I
understand the concept of politics now."
The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think
politics is all about."
The little boy replies, "The President is screwing the Working Class,
while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and
the Future is in deep shit."
Recently launched into the "real world" and shocked by the expenses that
came with it, my brother was complaining about the high cost of auto insurance.
"If you got married," teased my dad, "the premium would be lower."
My brother smiled and said, "That would be like buying an airline
just to get free peanuts."