Monday, March 27, 2006

Here ya go

A taxpayer received a strongly worded "second notice" that his taxes were overdue. Hastening to the collector's office, he paid his bill, saying apologetically, that he had overlooked the first notice. "Oh," confided the collector with a smile, "we don't send out first notices. We have found that the second notices are more effective."
The two men stood on the lonely lighthouse. Through the fog they could see a small boat making its way toward them, with a lonely occupant. Suddenly a squall lifted the craft and tossed the man into the water. The two men on shore sprang into action. Hurriedly they launched their own craft and fought their way through perilous and treacherous waters to reach the man. At last they got him aboard their boat. "It's a good thing you rescued me," the dripping man said gratefully. "I was coming out to see you about your income taxes."

1. A daughter sent a telegram to her father on passing her B.Ed exams,Which the father received as "Father, your daughter has been successful in BED."
2. A husband, while on a business trip to a hill station sent a telegram to his wife "I wish you were here." The message received by the wife was "I wish you were her."
3. A man wanted to celebrate his wife's Birthday by throwing a party. So he ordered a birthday cake. The salesman asked him what message he wanted put on the cake. He thought for a moment and said, "put getting older but You are getting better".
The salesman asked, "How do You want me to put it?" The man said' well...put "You are getting older" at the top and "but you are getting better" at the bottom. When the cake was unveiled at the party all the guests were aghast at the message on the cake. It read: "You are getting older at the top, but you are getting better at the bottom"
The residents of Silicon Valley are more confused than usual after a billboard campaign by the National Multiple Sclerosis Society of America used this line in an ad slogan: "MS: It's not a software company" exploiting the fame of a certain company to draw attention to an altogether worthier cause. Requests to comment on the campaign have been met by a surly silence by Microsoft, which doesn't relish the association of ideas but is painfully aware that it can't afford to appear insensitive over such an issue. Seasoned information technology professionals will have no trouble telling the two MS's apart: One is a debilitating and surprisingly widespread affliction that renders the sufferer barely able to perform the simplest task. The other is a disease.
It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized. "Well," said the director, "We fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub." "Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup." "No" said the director, "A normal person would pull the plug ... Do you want a room with or without a view?"
Monica was standing at the kitchen sink thinking about how long it had been since she and Michael had had time to themselves what with all the stress of moving the entire household hundreds of miles from their old home, getting the kids enrolled into a new school, finding a new Doctor, etc. Just then Michael stepped into the kitchen and said, "Would you like to go out, girl?" Without even turning around Monica quickly replied, "Oh, yes, I'd love to!" In Monica's eyes the evening was perfect. Dining and dancing, taking a slow walk looking into all the shop windows, holding hands like a couple of teenagers. She just knew that Michael had realized how stressed she had been and wanted to give her a perfect evening. As they stepped in the front door their dog greeted them. Michael patted her head and said, "Okay girl, now it's your turn. I asked you earlier when I walked into the kitchen but I guess you didn't hear me." Michael should be able to see out of his right eye in a few days.
Mr. Jacobson decided to take a week off from the pressures of the office and went skiing. Alas, no sooner did he reach the slopes than he heard an ominous rumbling: moments later a sheet of snow came crashing toward him. Fortunately, Mr. Jacobson was able to jump into a cave just before the avalanche hit. Just as fortunately, he had matches with him and was able to light a fire. Hours later, when everyone but Mr. Jacobson had returned, a rescue team was sent to search for him. After several hours they saw smoke curling from the cave and went to investigate. Poking his head into the entrance, one of the rescuers yelled, "Mr. Jacobson, are you there? It's the Red Cross." Bristling, the harried executive called back, "Get lost. I gave at the office!"
Q. If you had 12 piñon nuts in one hand and 13 piñon nuts in the other hand, what would you have? A. A difference of a piñon.
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.
A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.
First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.
The optician showed him a card with the letters: 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z. "
Can you read this?" the optician asked.
"Read it?" the Polish guy replied,"I know the guy.

*A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful ... CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT! The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?" The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."
I pulled up to the drive-thru of a fast-food restaurant and ordered coffee. I asked the clerk to put some ice cubes into the cup so that I could drink the cool coffee quickly. At the window, there was a delay. Finally, a teen-aged blonde girl came to the window looking frustrated, "I'm having a problem," she announced. . . "The ice keeps melting."
Max sat at the bar totally dejected. The bartender served him his second drink and said, "What's wrong, pal?" "I'll never understand women!" Max said. "The other night my wife threw me a birthday party. She told me that later, as her gift to me, I could do with her whatever I wanted." "Wow!" said the bartender, but why so unhappy? That sounds like quite a gift to me." "Well," Max went on, "I thought about it and sent her home to her Mother. NOW she won't even speak to me."
Golfer: "I've played so poorly all day; I think I'm going to go drown myself in that lake."
Caddy: "I doubt you could keep your head down that long."
Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to be able to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven. You've already moved most of the earth."
Golfer: "Well, I have never played this badly before!
Caddy: "I didn't realize you had played before, sir."
Golfer: "Caddy, do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Oh yes, sir! You miss the ball much closer than you used to."
Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time, caddy. It's distracting!"
Caddy: "This isn't a watch, sir, its a compass!"
Golfer: "Caddy, do you think it is a sin to play golf on Sunday?"
Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it's a sin any day of the week!"
Golfer: "This golf is a funny game."
Caddy: "It's not supposed to be."
Golfer: "That can't be my ball, caddy. It looks far too old."
Caddy: "It's a long time since we started, sir."
Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5-iron?"
Caddy: "Eventually."
Golfer (screaming): "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world!"
Caddy: "I doubt it. That would be too much of a coincidence!"

Q: How many Microsoft tech support people dies it take to change a light bulb?
A: Four: One to ask "What is the registration number of the light bulb?" One to ask, "Have you tried rebooting it?" Another to ask, "Have you tried reinstalling it?" And the last one to say, "It must be your hardware because the light bulb in our office works fine."
Q: How many Microsoft vice presidents does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Eight. One to work the bulb, and seven to make sure that Microsoft gets $2 for every light bulb ever changed anywhere in the world.
Q: How many Microsoft testers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We just determine that the room is dark; we don't actually change the bulb. Since we have a dead-bulb result on file from a previous test, rest assured that Development is working on a bug fix.
Q: How many Microsoft shipping department personnel does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We can change the bulb in 7 to 10 working days. If you call before 2 PM, and pay an extra $15, we can get the bulb changed overnight. Don't forget to put your name in the upper right hand corner of the light bulb box.
Q: How many Windows users does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One. But he'll swear up and down that it was JUST as easy as it would be for a Mac user.
Q: How many Microsoft managers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We've formed a task force to study the problem of why light bulbs burn out, and to determine what, exactly, we as supervisors can do to make the bulbs work smarter, not harder
. Q: How many Microsoft executives does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We can see no need for un-installation and have therefore made no provision for light bulbs to be removed.
Q: How does Bill Gates change a light bulb?
A: He holds the bulb in place and lets the world revolve around him.



At March 28, 2006 5:22 PM, Blogger Bushwack said...

LOL, I needed a good laugh today Mind if I steal the golf one?

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