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Sunday, March 26, 2006

Instead of Cooking Gonna Laugh (R)ated




Reminiscing with her girlfriend about their childhood, the young woman asked Jamie, "Did you ever play with Jacks?" "Oh, yes" Jamie replied. "And with Tommy's and Freddy's, too."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
A women's lib speaker was addressing a large group and said,"Where would man be today if it were not for woman?" She pauseda moment and looked around the room. "I repeat, where would man be today if it were not for woman?" From the back of the room came a voice, "He'd be in the Garden of Eden eating strawberries."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

It seems that an elephant got too close to all the baby ducks the circus had brought in for Easter, and accidentally inhaled a bunch of them. The poor elephant was choking on them and no one could help. Finally the trainer goosed him -- and the elephant blew out a whole trunkful of downy feathers. Yep! That's what he gets for snorting quack.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
One night, at the lodge of a hunting club, two new members were being introduced to other members and shown around. The man leading them around said, "See that old man asleep in the chair by the fireplace? He is our oldest member and can tell you some hunting stories you'll never forget." They awakened the old man and asked him to tell them
story. "Well, I remember back in 1944, we went on a lion hunting expedition in Africa. We were on foot and hunted for three days without seeing a thing. On the fourth day, I was so tired I had to rest my feet. I found a fallen tree, so I laid my gun down, propped my head on the tree, and fell asleep. I don't know how long I was asleep when I was awakened by a noise in the bushes. I was reaching for my gun when the biggest damn lion I’d ever seen jumped out of the bushes at me like this: RRROOAARRR!!! ..........I tell you, I just shit my pants." The young men looked astonished and one of them said, "I don't blame you, I would have shit my pants too if a lion jumped out at me." The old man shook his head and said, "No, no... not back then, just now, when I said RRROOAAARRR!!!"

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
"How was your blind date?" a college student asked her room-mate."Terrible!" the room-mate answered. "He showed up in his 1932 Rolls Royce." "Wow! That's a very expensive car. What's so bad about that?""He was the original owner!"
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
The college dorm advisor heard strange noises from Jack's room, well after lights-out. He knocked on the door and said,"Mr. Jack! Are you entertaining in there?"From behind the door, Jack answered, "Just a second -- I'll ask her!"
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

David took his old duck to the Doctor, concerned because the duck wouldn't eat. The Doctor explained that as ducks age their upper bills grow down over their lower bills and make it difficult for the animal to pick up it's food. "What you need to do is gently file the upper bill down even with the lower bill. But you must be extra careful because the duck's nostrils are located in the upper bill and if you file down too far, when the duck takes a drink of water it'll drown." David thanked the Doc and left. About a week later the Doctor runs into him at the store.."Well, how is that duck of yours?" the Doctor inquires. "He's dead," declared a heartbroken David. "I told you not to file his upper bill down too far! He took a drink of water and drowned didn't he?" insisted the Doctor. "No." David replied . "I think he was dead before I took him out of the vise."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
In an American history discussion group, the professor was trying to explain how societies ideal of beauty changes with time. "For example," he said, "take the 1921 Miss America. She stood five feet, one inch tall, weighed 108 pounds and had measurements of 30-25-32. How do you think she'd do in today's version of the contest?" The class fell silent for a moment. Then one student piped up, "Not very well." "Why is that?" Asked the professor. "For one thing," the student pointed out, "She'd be way too old!"
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
During a dinner party, two of my grand daughters entered the dining room totally nude and walked slowly around the table. The parents were so embarrassed that they pretended nothing was happening and kept the conversation going. The guests cooperated and also continued as if nothing extraordinary was happening. After going all the way around theroom, the two sisters left. As they disappeared out of sight, there was a moment of silence at the table, during which one child was heard to say, "You see Kendall, it IS vanishing cream!"
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
God was just about done creating humans, but he had two parts left over and couldn't quite decide how to split them between Adam and Eve. He thought He might just as well ask them. He told them one of the things He had left was a thing that would allow the owner to pee while standing up. "It's a very handy thing," God told them, "and I was wondering if either one of you had a preference for it." Well, Adam jumped up and down and begged, "Oh, please give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that! It seems like just the sort of thing a man should have. Please! Pleeease! Give it to me!" On and on he went like an excited little boy. Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, he could have it. So God gave Adam the thing that allowed him to pee standing up. Adam was so excited he just started whizzing all over the place - first on the side of a rock, then he wrote his name in the sand, and then he tried to see if he could hit a stump ten feet away - laughing with delight all the while. God and Eve watched him with amusement and then God said to Eve, "Well, I guess you're kind of stuck with the last thing I have left." "What's it called?" asked Eve. "Brains," said God
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
The administration of this particular elementary school decided to start a more inclusive policy on which words were "bad" words. Among those initiated to the category was "suck" (when not referring to the principle of suction). One day a child came up to the teacher to inform her that one of the other students had said a bad word. "What was the bad word he said?" asked the teacher. "I can't say it." "It's ok to tell me, you won't get in trouble for it." "No, it's too bad, I don't want to say it." "Well I have to know what he said in order to punish him. Can you tell me what it is without saying it?" "Well... it rhymes with 'fuck'."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
There once was a bear hunter who was having no luck in finding his quarry. All at once, he felt a tap on his shoulder from behind. It was a huge grizzly bear. The hunter's shock was increased when the bear spoke to him. "You are hunting me, I'll bet", said the bear. "You may choose your punishment. Either I will maul you to death or fuck you up the ass!" The hunter didn't want to die, so he consented to give the bear the pleasure of his booty. The bear left satisfied and the hunter returned to his cabin. The next day, the hunter decided to kill the bear for revenge. But, as luck would have it, the grizzly found him first. Once again, the hunter felt the tap on his shoulder and the bear made his request. The hunter dropped his pants, bent over and took what the beast had to offer. The third day, the hunter was really irate and decided he would torture and kill that bear. Once more, though, the bear was the better hunter. When the man felt the familiar tap on his shoulder, he expected to hear the grizzly's offer of a choice again, but this time the bear just said, "You aren't really into this for the hunting anymore, are you?!
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Three blondes are sitting in a café, talking about what to get their boyfriends for Christmas. "It's funny," said Samantha. "Peter's balls are always cold as ice when I blow him! I think I should get him some ball warmers for Christmas." "You know what?" replied Jenny. "It's exactly the same with my Richard!" They turn to the third blonde, Candi, and asked, "When you blow Chris, are his balls cold, too?" "Ugh! That's disgusting! I never put Chris's thing in my mouth!" exclaimed Candi. "You're crazy," Samantha piped up. "A good blowjob is the best way to keep a guy! You should try it! It would make a great Christmas gift for Chris!" Candi says she'll think about it. The next time they meet at the café it is Boxing Day and Candi is sporting a wicked shiner. "Whoa!" the Jenny asked. "How did you get that black eye?" "Chris hit me when I was blowing him," Candi said. "What on earth for?" the Jenny asked. "I don't know," Candi replied. "I was giving him his Christmas present like you two suggested. I mentioned how strange it was that his balls were so warm, when Pete and Richard's were so cold, and he punched me."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
In case you missed the article, someone found a condom in a MacDonald's hamburger a couple of years ago. Here is David Letterman's top ten MacDonald's excuses for the condom in the Big Mac:
10. We were test marketing the new "McRibbed."
9. Condom, Condiment.....What's the damned difference.
8. It still tastes better than the Arch Deluxe.
7. It was either there, or in the vanilla shake.
6. Turns out the rumors about Grimace and Mayor McCheese are true.
5. We're experimenting with a new, even happier meal.
4. Employees too embarrassed to ask "Would you like a condom with that?"
3. So what? A regular Big Mac is 60% latex anyway.
2. Drive-thru speaker broken: "Coke with lots of ice" sounds like "Prophylactic device." And the number one MacDonald's Excuse for the Condom in the Big Mac:
1. When you're serving billions and billions, you can't be too careful.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
A Scotsman is working at a sewerage. It's a warm day, so he takes off his jacket and drapes it over a handrail - where it slips off into a vast tank of shit! He's just about to dive in when his mate shouts "It's nae guid tae do that, the jacket's ruined" He replies "Aye, ah ken, but ma sandwiches are in the pocket"
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
A Scots boy came home from school and told his mother he had been given a part in the school play. "Wonderful," says the mother, "What part is it?" The boy says "I play the part of the Scottish husband!" The mother scowls and says: "Go back and tell your teacher you want a speaking part."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Jock's wife Maggie went to the doctor complaining of pains in the stomach. The doctor told her it was 'just wind'. "Just wind?" she screamed at him. "It was just wind that blew down the Tay Bridge!"
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Five Englishmen boarded a train just behind five Scots, who, as a group had only purchased one ticket. Just before the conductor came through, all the Scots piled into the toilet stall at the back of the car. As the conductor passed the stall, he knocked and called"Tickets, please!" and one of the Scots slid a ticket under the door. It was punched, pushed back under the door, and when it was safe all the Scots came out and took their seats. The Englishmen were tremendously impressed by the Scots' ingenuity. On the trip back, the five Englishmen decided to try this themselves and purchased only one ticket. They noticed that, oddly, the Scots had not purchased any tickets this time. Anyway, again, just before the conductor came through, the Scots piled into one of the toilet stalls, the Englishmen into the other. Then one of the Scots leaned out, knocked on the Englishmen's stall and called "Ticket, Please!" When the ticket slid out under the door, he picked it up and quickly closed the door
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
When Jock moved to London he constantly annoyed his English acquaintances by boasting about how great Scotland was. Finally, in exasperation, one said, "Well, if Scotland's so marvelous, how come you didn't stay there?" "Well," explained Jock "they're all so clever up there I had to come down here to have any chance of making it at all
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Jock and a Englishman were flying from Edinburgh when the stewardess approached. "May I get you something?" she asked. "Aye, a whusky" Jock replied. She poured him a drink then asked the Englishman if he'd like one. "Never!" he said sternly. "I'd rather be raped and ravished by whores allthe way to America than drink whisky!" Jock hurriedly passed the drink back, saying "Och, Ah didna ken there wuz a choice!"
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Jock was traveling by train seated next to a stern-faced clergyman. As Jock pulled out a bottle of whisky from his pocket the clergyman glared and said reprovingly, "Look here, I am sixty-five and I have never tasted whisky in my life!" "Dinna worry, Minister," smiled Jock, pouring himself a dram. "There's no risk of you starting now!"
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Jock once attended a Temperance lecture given by Scotland's top medical man, a noted anti-drink campaigner. The speaker began by placing a live, wriggling worm in a glass of whisky. After a moment or two it died and sank to the bottom. The speaker said quietly to the audience, "Now my friends, what does this tell us?" Jock piped up, "If you drink whisky you'll not be bothered by worms!"
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
A very popular scotsman dies in glasgow and his old widow wishes to tell all his friends at once so she goes to the newspaper and says "I'd like tae place an obituary fur ma late husband" The man at the desk says "OK, how much money dae ye have?" The old woman replies "£5" to which the man says "You wont get many words for that but write something and we'll see if it's ok" so the old woman writes something and hands it over the counter and the man reads "Peter Reid, fae Parkheid, deid" He feels guilty at the abruptness of the statement and encourages the old woman to write a few more things. The old woman ponders and then adds a few more words and hand the paper over the counter again. The man then reads "Peter Reid, fae Parkheid deid. Ford Escort for sale"
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
A couple has a dog that snores. Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife goes to the Vet to see if he can help. The Vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles and he will stop snoring "Yeah, right!" she says. A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring as usual. The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep. Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog's testicles. Sure enough, the dog stops snoring. The woman is amazed! Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep, and begins snoring loudly. The woman thinks that maybe the ribbon will work on him. So she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of ribbon, and ties it around her husband's testicles. Amazingly, it also works on him, and the woman sleeps soundly. The man wakes from a drunken stupor and stumbles into the bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates. He is very confused, and as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees a red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles. He shakes his head and looks at the dog and says, "I don't know where we were or what we did, but, by Damn, we got first and second place."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
One day, Little Johnny, bored out of his mind, went to his father for suggestions on what to do to pass the time. "I'll tell you what," said his father, "take this dollar and run into town and get me a dollars worth of what's what." Little Johnny grabbed the dollar, hopped on his bike and rode into town. Once there, he had to decide what store would have the what's what. He stopped in front of the pharmacy and went in. He went to the pharmacist's desk, held up the dollar and said, "I'd like a dollars worth of what's what, please." The pharmacist knew immediately that Little Johnny was on a wild goose chase and said, "If you go across the street, to the house with the red light on the front porch, they can get you some what's what." Little Johnny ran across the street and knocked on the front door. A tall, stunning blonde, completely naked opened the front door. Her crotch was right in Little Johnny's face. Pointing to it he said, "what's that?" "What's what?" the whore replied. "Good, I'll take a dollars worth," said Little Johnny.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Marilyn had a parrot for a pet, but the parrot would embarrass her whenever she came into the apartment with a man. He would shout all kinds of obscenities, always leading off with "Somebody's gonna get it tonight!" In desperation, Marilyn went to her local pet shop and explained her parrot problem to the pet shop proprietor. "What you need," he said, "is a female parrot too. I don't have one on hand, but I'll order one. Meanwhile, you could borrow this female owl until the female parrot arrives." Marilyn took the owl home and put it near her parrot. It was immediately obvious that the parrot didn't care for the owl. He glared at it. That night, Marilyn wasn't her usual nervous self as she opened the door to bring her gentlemen friend in for a nightcap. Then suddenly she heard the parrot screech and she knew that things hadn't changed. "Somebody's gonna get it tonight! Somebody's gonna get it tonight!" the parrot said. The owl said, "Whoooo? Whooooo?" "Not you; you fat son-of-a-bitch!"
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Why do men prefer blondes? Men always like intellectual company.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Why do men like love at first sight? It saves them a lot of time.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think of? Dating children.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
How can you tell soap operas are fictional? In real life, men aren't affectionate out of bed.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
What should you give a man who has everything?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
A. A woman to show him how to work it.
B. Penicillin

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating? To stop the snoring before it starts.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Why don't men have mid-life crises? They stay stuck in adolescence. How does a man show he's planning for the Future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~




2 Comments:

At May 11, 2006 4:23 PM, Blogger Katie said...

THAT IS SO FUCKING FUNNY!IM BLOWING JOSH RIGHT NOW

 
At May 11, 2006 4:23 PM, Blogger Katie said...

THAT IS SO FUCKING FUNNY!IM BLOWING JOSH RIGHT NOW

 

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