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Saturday, March 18, 2006

Mix and Match (R)ated

Pat O'Leary left Cork for Philadelphia where he found a job on a building site. When payday rolled around Pat went out on the town, got drunk as a goat and spent the night with a prostitute. The following day (Saturday) Pat decided to go to confession and tell all. When the priest heard his confession he told Pat to say twenty Our Fathers, twenty Hail Marys, and twenty decades of the Rosary and to put $20 in the poor box. Two weeks later Pat's mate, Rory O'Brien, told Pat he was leaving for San Francisco because there was tons of work there and the money to be made was more than twice what could be made in Philly. After a little coaxing Pat decides to go with Rory. At the end of his first week on his new job Pat's wages were more than double anything he'd made before. Off he goes for a night on the town. Gets drunk as a lord and spends the night with a prostitute. Come morning remorse sets in and Pat goes to Mission Dolores for confession. After hearing Pat's confession the priest tells him to say a couple of Our Father's and drop a dollar in the poor box. "But, Father. I did the same thing in Philly and had to say twenty Our fathers, twenty Hail Marys, twenty decades of the Rosary and I had to fork over $20." "Ah, sure," the priest responded, "what do they know aboout drinkin' and fuckin ' in Philadelphia."
@>`~~~~>,~~~
Two English ladies were discussing their vacation plans on a London street corner near an Irish lady. "We're planning a lovely holiday in Devon this year," said one. "Oh you oughtn't to do that," said the other, "there are Irish there! It would be awful." "Dear me!" said the first lady. "Well, where are you going?" "Salisbury," she replied. "But Salisbury crawls with Irish, luv!" At this point the Irish lady could no longer hold her tongue. "Why don't ye go t' hell. There be no Irish there!"
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Two Irishmen were adrift in a life boat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, one of the men stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of the castaways, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought to the matter the man blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into beer!" The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the men considered their circumstances. One man looked disgustedly at the other whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going idiot! Now we're going to have to piss in the boat."
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The Top 13 Signs That You're Being Stalked By A Leprechaun Generic-looking green van parked across the street with Notre Dame bumper sticker. Every time you turn around the pitter-pattering stops and that green fire hydrant seems to have gotten a little closer. Green lipstick marks on the butt of your Dockers. You're being followed by a large woman with a sultry voice and a dying career. (Oops! That's a sign you're being stalked by Chaka Khan.) You don't recall owning an anatomically correct lawn gnome. Card delivered with the bouquet of 4-leaf clovers reads, "I bet you're magically delicious!" When you come home from work, the potatoes are missing from the cupboard and your parrot is singing "Danny Boy." Prank caller has a really corny Irish accent, and Richard Gere has an airtight alibi. Those tiny green hairs on your toilet seat. Sultry voice from shower soap dish asks, "Is that your shillelagh, or are you just happy to see me?" Pink hearts, yellow moons, blue diamonds scratched on your car at knee-level, and Ross Perot is nowhere to be found. Them little green pellets in the litter box ain't M&M's, Chester. Every day this week you've noticed the same buckle shoes dangling just above the floor in the stall next to you.
@>`~~~~>,~~~
Two young Irishmen in a Canadian regiment were going into the trenches for the first time, and their captain promised them fifty pence for every German they killed. Two young Irishmen in a Canadian regiment were going into the trenches for the first time, and their captain promised them fifty pence for every German they killed. Pat lay down to rest, and Mick performed the duty of watching. Pat had not lain long when he was awakened by Mick shouting, "They're comin'". "Who's comin'?" shouts Pat. "The Germans," replies Mick. "How many are there?" "About fifty thousand." "Begorrah," shouts Pat, jumping up & grabbing his rifle, "our fortune's made."
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Tim Kelly was walking through a dim passageway when someone spoke to him. "Good evening, Kelly," said the muffled figure. " Dont ye be knowin' your old friend Grogan anymore?" Kelly stared at Grogan, whose face was a patchwork of bandages and adhesive plaster. One arm was in a sling and he was leaning on a crutch. "Saints!" cried Kelly. "was ye hit by a train, Grogan, or did ye merely jump from a trestle?" " It could've been both," said Grogan, " considering the feel of it. But the truth is, I was in bed with Murphy's wife when Murphy himself comes in with a murtherin' big shillelagh in his hand, and the inconsiderate bastard beat the livin' bejazus outa me!" " He did indade," said Kelly. " But could'nt ye defend yourself, Grogan? Hadn't ye nothin' in your hand?" "Only Mrs Murphy's ass " said Grogan. "Its a beautiful thing in itself, but, not worth a pinch of shit in a fight!
@>`~~~~>,~~~
There was this newly arrived novitiate, young, fresh and eager to please, who was summoned by her Mother Superior to assist the aging Sr. Maureen on her daily round of errands in the local village.. So 'tis off they go with young Sr. Bridget studiously taking note of each and every road and stop they made as they pedaled their way about,on the convents two ancient bicycles. After a time they finished their tasks and stopped for a spell for the customary cup o' tay. Upon heading back to the convent, Sr. Bridget took the lead only to find that a road they had taken was now impassable, due to heavy repairs going on.Sr Maureen tells her not to worry she knows another way, so off they go again winding and careening down some obscure back roads in a manner that gives young Sr. Bridget cause for concern. Somewhat breathlessly she calls out to Sr Maureen and says "I've never come this way before". "Don't you be alarmed now" says Sr. Maureen " 'Tis those lovely cobble stones....."
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An Irish man is sittin in a pub one night when 3 Englishmen walked in. The men sit down, and start to talk about how they can anger the Irishman... The first man says, "Watch this..." He gets up, walks over to the Irishman, and says, "Hey man, I hear your St. Patrick was a faggot." The Irishman just replies, "Oh, is that so now?" The Englishman, goes back to his seat perplexed, when his friend jumps up and says, "Here, lemme try that." So he goes over to the Irishman and says, "Hey man, I hear your St. Patrick was a transvestite faggot!" The Irishman only replies, "Oh, is that so now?" So the Englishman, frustrated goes and sits down with his friends. When the 3rd Englishman jumps up and says, "Well, now, I gotta try that!" So he walks over to the Irishman ans says, "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was an ENGLISHMAN!" And the Irishman replies, "Aye, that's what your friends were sayin."
@>`~~~~>,~~~
A guy is walking along the strip in Las Vegas and a knockout looking hooker catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the hooker, "How much do you charge?" Hooker replies, "It starts at $500 for a hand-job." The guy says, "$500 dollars! For a hand-job! Jesus Christ! No hand-job is worth that kind of money!" The hooker says, "Do you see that Denny's on the corner?" "Yes." "Do you see the Denny's about a block further down?" "Yes." "And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's?" "Yes." "Well," says the hooker, smiling invitingly, "I own those. And, I own them because I give a hand-job that's worth $500." The guy says, "What the hell? You only live once. I'll give it a try." They retire to a nearby motel. A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realizing that he just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500. He is so amazed, he says, "I suppose a blow-job is $1,000?" The hooker replies, "$1,500." "I wouldn't pay that for a blow-job!" The hooker replies, "Step over here to the window, big boy. Do you see that casino just across the street? I own that casino outright. And I own it because I give a blow-job that's worth every cent of $1,500." The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, decides to put off the new car for another year or so, and says, "Sign me up." Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before. He can scarcely believe it but he feels he truly got his money's worth. He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and unforgettable experience. He asks the hooker, "How much for some pussy?" The hooker says, "Come over here to the window, I want to show you something. Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us, all those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and showplaces?" "Damn!" the guy says, in awe, "You own the whole city?" "No," the hooker replies, "but I would if I had a pussy."
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This woman is driving into a small town and slams on the brakes as a coyote runs across the road in front of her. Just as she regains her wits and gets ready to proceed, a cowboy runs right in front of her and catches the coyote by the hind legs and starts screwing it. 'Oh my God!' she exclaims and drives into town to find the local law. She sees the local sheriff's car parked in front of the town bar. 'It figures,' she says as she storms inside. The first thing she notices is an old, old man with a long white beard sitting in the corner jacking-off. She runs up to the sheriff who's sitting at the bar with his drink. "What kind of sick town are you running here?! I drive into town and almost run over some cowboy sodomizing an animal... and then... I come in here.... and see this old man in the corner jacking-off right in public!!!!??' 'Well, ma'am,' the sheriff slowly replies, 'You don't expect him to catch a coyote at his age, do ya?'
@>`~~~~>,~~~
Every Friday afternoon, a mathematician goes down to the bar, sits in the second-to-last seat, turns to the last seat, which is empty, and asks a girl who isn't there if he can buy her a drink. The bartender, who is used to weird university types, always shrugs but keeps quiet. But when Valentine's Day arrives, and the mathematician makes a particularly heart-wrenching plea into empty space, curiosity gets the better of the bartender, and he says, "I apologize for my stupid questions, but surely you know there is NEVER a woman sitting in that last stool. Why do you persist in asking out empty space?" The mathematician replies, "Well, according to quantum physics, empty space is never truly empty. Virtual particles come into existence and vanish all the time. You never know when the proper wave function will collapse and a girl might suddenly appear there." The bartender raises his eyebrows. "Really? Interesting. But couldn't you just ask one of the girls who comes here every Friday if you could buy HER a drink? Never know --she might say yes." The mathematician laughs. "Yeah, right -- how fucking likely is THAT to happen?"
@>`~~~~>,~~~
A priest is hearing confession at his church in County Cork. "Forgive me father" says the penitent, "for I have sinned. I am a single man and I have had sexfour times in the last week with Fanny Green" He is blessed by the priest who tells him to say five Hail Marys and go in peace. The next penitent arrives. "Forgive me Father" he prays, "I have sinned. It has been a month since my last confession and in that time I have had sex twenty times with Fanny Green" The priest tells him to say five Our Fathers and ten Hail Marys and go in peace But the next parishioner comes to confess "Forgive me Father, I am a married man. It has been two months since my last confession and in thattime I have had sex every day with Fanny Green" The priest by this time is very much perturbed but blesses the man and sends him on his way. However he cannot but wonder about Fanny Green. It is, after all, only a small parish in which the priest knows every soul. But he has never, before today, heard of this Fanny Green. Nonetheless, it's time for mass and the priest heads off to lead the service. Just as he is about to offer the host, the doors of the chuch burst open, and a statuesque vision of loveliness the likes of which he has never seen, walk into the church. She is dressed in green. Green shoes, green dress, green coat and a green hat, topped off with a green feather. This apparition confidently walks down the centre aisle to the front pew where she takes a seat an fixes the priest with a seductive smile....all the time her legs slightly just like that sinful hussy Sharon Stone....and he can see...almost.....he thinks....her pussy. The priest is completely flustered and in the middle of mass too He turns to the alter boy, wondering if this is the woman of whom he has heard in confession. "Tell me, lad" he asks, "is tat Fanny Green?" "Noooooo Father, I tink 'tis just t' reflection from her shoes"

@>`~~~~>,~~~
Little Johnny was left to fix lunch. When his mother returned with a friend, she noticed that Johnny had already strained the tea. So the two women sipped their tea happily while having lunch and chit-chatted. Afterwards, when her friend had left, Little Johnny's mother talked to him. "Was it hard finding the tea strainer in the kitchen?" his mother asked. "Ma, I couldn't find it, so I used the fly swatter." replied Johnny. His mother nearly fainted, so Johnny hastily added, "Don't get excited, Ma, I used the old one!"

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New studies show that women who drink tea are twice as likely to get pregnant. Related studies have revealed that women who drink Long Island Ice Tea are twice as likely to wake up in the back seat of a Camaro with sticky hair.

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At a local high school, on their football team was a great player named Bubba. One night after a game his coach noticed Bubba leaving with four girls on his arm. The coach stopped him and asked, "Bubba, how is it that you have all of these women? Don't you ever, ya know, get tuckered out from all of the sex?" Bubba tells his coach, "See, all I do is when I know I'm gonna be getting some, I whip it out and pound it against something like a table, to numb it all real good and then I can go on for hours." So one day, coach came home early and his wife was in the shower. He enters the bathroom and thought, "Hey, here's my oppertunity to try that". So he whips it out and starts pounding his penis on the bathroom vanity. His wife hears this and yells out, "Is that you Bubba?"
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A man was in court for a double murder, and the judge said, "You are charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer." A voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You bastard!" The judge continued, "You are also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer." Again, the voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You damned bastard!" The judge stopped, looked at the man in the back of the courtroom, and said, "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime, but I will not have any more of these outbursts from you, or I shall charge you with contempt! Now is that a problem?" The man at the back of the court stood up and responded, "For fifteen years, I have lived next door to that bastard, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he never had one!"
@>`~~~~>,~~~

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