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Thursday, March 30, 2006



One of my pet peeves as a musician in a symphony orchestra is trying to follow the erratic beat of famous guest conductors. I didn't realize how strongly the rest of the musicians felt until we were talking to someone from a university physics department at a reception. When I asked him what his field was, he answered, "I work with semiconductors." "So do we," I heard a colleague mutter.
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Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
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What's the difference between a dry cleaner and a lawyer? The cleaner pays you if he loses your suit. If a lawyer loses your suit, he will still take you to the cleaners.
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Ricky and his sister walked into the bank and dumped bagfuls ofchange on the counter. "My goodness!" said the teller, "did you two hoard all of this?" "Uh-uh" said Ricky. "My sister whored, I only pimped."
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What do blowjobs and flowers have in common? After the first year they are only given on special occasions.
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Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to every man. Isn't that the darndest time for a guy to get those odds?
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Teacher asks Alice: "What did you do at recess?" Alice says, "I played in the sand box." Teacher says "That's good. Go to the blackboard and if you can write 'sand' correctly, I'll give you a fresh-baked cookie." She does and gets a cookie. Teacher asks Little Johnny what he did at recess. Johnny says, "I played with Alice in sand box." Teacher says, "Good. If you write 'Box" correctly on blackboard, I'll give you a fresh baked cookie." Johnny does, and gets a cookie. Teacher then asks Mustaffa Machmoud what he did at recess. He says, "I tried to play with Alice and Johnny, but they threw rocks at me." Teacher says, "Threw rocks at you? That sounds like blatant racial discrimination. If you can go the blackboard and write 'blatant racial discrimination' correctly, I'll give you a cookie..."
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Drinking makes some husbands see double and feel single.
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Why do men float better than women? Because they are scum.
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Got my phone bill the other day ... What ever happened to free speech.

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"Not a morning person" doesn't even begin to cover it. Have you heard about the new John Bobbit doll?.... Some assembly required. John Bobbit was asked by a reporter how he felt after the attack. His response was "Light-headed". After the trial Lorena Bobbit was released, as the evidence wouldn't stand up in court.
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After his annual physical, the sexually active bachelor was waiting in the doctor's office for the results. "Well," said the doctor, "I have good news and bad news for you." "The way I feel, please give me the good news first," replied the bachelor. "The good news," announced the doctor, "is that your penis has grown an additional four inches since your last exam." "Great!" the man shouted, "What is the bad news?" "It's malignant," replied the doctor.
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After his annual physical, the sexually active bachelor was waiting in the doctor's office for the results. "Well," said the doctor, "I have good news and bad news for you." "The way I feel, please give me the good news first," replied the bachelor. "The good news," announced the doctor, "is that your penis has grown an additional four inches since your last exam." "Great!" the man shouted, "What is the bad news?" "It's malignant," replied the doctor.
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A woman goes to her doctor complaining that she is exhausted all the time. After the diagnostic tests showed nothing, the doctor gets around to asking her how often she has intercourse. "Every Monday, Wednesday, and Saturday," she says. The doctor advises her to cut out Wednesday. "I can't," says the woman. "That's the only night I'm home with my husband!"
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Why don't roosters have hands? Because chickens dont have tits!
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We went to the movie the other night. I sat in an aisle seat as I usually do because it feels a little roomier. Just as the feature was about to start a baby boomer from the center of the row got up and started working her way out. "Excuse me, sorry, oops, excuse me, pardon me, gotta hurry, oops, excuse me." By the time she got to me I was trying to look around her and I was a little impatient so I said, "Couldn't you have done this a little earlier?" "No!!" she said in a loud whisper, "The TURN OFF YOUR CELL PHONE PLEASE message just flashed up on the screen and mine is out in the car."
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