Politically Un-Correct and (R)ated
A doctor is making his rounds in the hospital when he comes upon a guy with the worst case of sunburn he has ever seen. The poor guy is burnt raw from head to toe and is in agony. He says to the doctor, "Is there anything you can give me to ease this terrible pain?" So the doctor says, "Yes, I'll prescribe you some Viagra." "Viagra?" asks the guy. "How will that help my sunburn?". "It won't help your sunburn much" the doc says, "but at least it'll keep the sheets off it!"
Older than the hills....
At about 3 a.m., a guy was home rather late. He came home just in time to hear the cuckoo clock cuckoo three times. Quickly coming up with a plan, he cuckooed nine more times, hoping his wife would think it was midnight. He was very proud of himself. The next day, his wife asked what time he got home, and he replied, "Midnight, just like I said." She said that was good, and for some reason she said they needed a new cuckoo clock. When he asked why, she answered, "Last night when it cuckooed midnight, it cuckooed three times, said 'Crap!,' cuckooed four more times, farted, cuckooed three times, cleared its throat, cuckooed two more times and then started giggling."
The following ad appeared in a newspaper. SBF Seeks Male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I'm a svelte good looking girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods. Riding in your pickup truck. Hunting Camping Fishing trips. Cozy winter nights spent lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. Rub me the right way and watch me respond. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Kiss me and I'm yours. Call 555-XXXX and ask for Daisy. (The phone number was the Humane Society and Daisy was an eight week old black Labrador Retriever.)
A man woke up in a hospital bed and called for his doctor. He asked
"Give it to me straight, doc. How long have I got?" The physician
replied that he doubted that his patient would survive the night. The
man then said "Call for my lawyer." When his lawyer arrived, the man
asked for his physician to stand on one side of the bed, while the
lawyer stood on the other. The man then laid back and closed his
eyes. When the man remained silent for several minutes, the lawyer
asked what he had in mind. The man replied "Jesus died with a thief
on either side, and I thought I'd check out the same way."
A generously endowed young lady at college often got teased by her
sorority sisters for being so top-heavy. At a fraternity party, a
young man asked her what she would like to drink. "Diet soda,
please," she replied. "Oh, you must be the double D." he said. The
girl was furious, wondering which of her so-called friends had
divulged such personal information. "And just what do you mean by
that?" she snapped. Surprised at her angry response, the young man
meekly answered, "Oh, you know -- the Designated Driver."
A big bull, a middle-sized bull, and a little bull were walking down
a country lane. They came to a beautiful field of alfalfa ? tall,
juicy and delicious. There was a hole in the fence, and the big bull
shouldered the other two aside and went in to eat his fill. The other
two bulls went on down the lane and came to a clover field ?
fragrant, tender and inviting. The middle-sized bull noticed that the
gate was open, so he pushed the little bull to on e side and went in
to enjoy the clover. The little bull continued down the lane. Finally
he came to the village suburbs, then to the business area, to the
heart of the village ? and finally to the countryside beyond. The
moral of the story: a little bull goes a long way.
While I was attending a law course, the 'Audiatur et altera pars'
rule was explained to us. Translated it means, "Also the other party
has to be heard." After discussing the subject at great length, the
lecturer asked if anyone did NOT understand the rule. From the
auditorium a man shouted, "My wife!"
One day a 5th grade class was taking a field trip but the weather was extremely bad and the trip was to be delayed and they had to stay in a hotel for the night. So Little Johnny was sleeping in the same room as his teacher. In the middle of the night the teacher woke up and was frightened by the sight of Johnny standing right over her. He asked if he could sleep with her cause he couldn't sleep. She said okay, then Johnny asked to lay a little closer and she said okay. Then he asked if he could put his finger in her belly button and she said "NO" "But my mommy lets me do it when I can't sleep and it helps." So the teacher says, "Okay fine, do whatever your mom lets you do." A few minutes later the teacher says "OH. that's not my bellybutton." And Johnny says, "that's not my finger."
Two IT guys were chatting in a pub after work. "Guess what, mate," says the first IT guy, "yesterday, I met this gorgeous blonde girl in a bar." "What did you do?" says the other IT guy. "Well, I invited her over to my place, we had a couple of drinks, we got into the mood and then she suddenly asked me to take all her clothes off." "You're kidding me!" says the second IT guy. "I took her miniskirt off, and then I lifted her and put her on my desk next to my new laptop." "Really? You got a new laptop?"
Little Johnny was walking along the railroad tracks when suddenly he got his foot caught under one of the railroad ties. He tried to get it out but it was really stuck. As he struggled to free his foot, he heard a noise and turned around. To his horror he saw a train coming. Panicked he started to pray, "God, please get my foot out of these tracks and I'll stop being bad!" Nothing happened, his foot was still stuck. He looked up to see the train getting closer! He prayed again, "God, please get my foot out and I'll stop swearing AND being bad!" Still nothing his foot was wedged tight. The train was just seconds away! Little Johnny struggled frantically as the train's horn blared. He tried his plea one more time, "God, please, if you get my foot out of the tracks, I'll quit being bad, I'll stop swearing, AND I'll stop trying to look up little Mary's dress." Just as the train was about to hit Johnny, his foot broke free and he fell backwards, the train narrowly missing him. He got up, dusted himself off, l ooked toward Heaven and said "Thanks anyway God, I got it myself..."