WHAT HALLMARK DOESN'T PRINT!
1. So your daughter's a hooker, and it spoiled your day. Look at the bright side, it's really good pay.
2. My tire was thumping. I thought it was flat. When I looked at the tire...I noticed your cat. Sorry!
3. Heard your wife left you, How upset you must be. But don't fret about it... She moved in with me.
4. Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder? What the hell was I thinking?
5. Congratulations on your wedding day... too bad no one likes your husband.
6. How could two people as beautiful as you... have such an ugly baby?
7. I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you... I've changed my mind.
8. I must admit, you brought religion into my life... I never believed in Hell till I met you.
9. As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am... that you're not here to ruin it for me.
10. Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go... would you like to take this knife out of my back? You'll probably need it again.
11. Someday I hope to get married... but not to you.
12. Happy birthday! You look great for your age... almost lifelike!
13. When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise.
14. We have been friends for a very long time... what say we stop?
15. I'm so miserable without you... it's almost like you're here.
16. Congratulations on your new bundle of joy... did you ever find out who the father was?
17. Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday... so we're having you put to sleep. 1
8. Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad! (Available only in Tennessee, Kentucky and West Virginia)
How can one *not* love Irish men after so much honesty? From a 'personals' section from a Dublin newspaper: Heavy drinker - 35 Cork area. Seeks gorgeous sex addict interested in a man who loves his pints, cigarettes, Glasgow Celtic Football Club and has been known to starting fights on Patrick Street at three o'clock in the morning. Bitter, disillusioned Dublin man, lately rejected by long time fiancée, seeks decent, honest, reliable woman, if such a thing still exists in this cruel world of hatchet-faced bitches. Ginger haired Galway man, a born troublemaker, gets slit-eyed and thirsty after a few scoops, seeks attractive, wealthy lady for bail purposes, maybe more. Bad tempered, foul-mouthed old bastard, living in a damp cottage in the arse end of Roscommon, seeks attractive 21-year-old blonde lady, with a lovely chest. Limerick man, 27, medium build, brown hair, blue eyes, seeks alibi for the night of February 27 between 8 PM and 11:30 PM. Optimistic Mayo man, 35, seeks a blonde 20-year-old double-jointed supermodel, who owns her own brewery, and has an open-minded twin sister.
A few years ago, Charlie Brown and the PEANUTS gang made a new friend who developed leukemia in an animated special entitled,
WHY, CHARLIE BROWN, WHY?
Recently, Metropolitan Life Assurance Company has put out a series of instructional pamphlets which feature the PEANUTS gang dealing with such issues as the loss of a loved one, writing a will, and dealing with a permanent disability. Now that Charlie Brown is dealing with important issues, how about some PEANUTS specials for the kids of the '90s?
We could learn about V.D. in, IT BURNS WHEN I PEE, CHARLIE BROWN.
Chuck and the Little Red-Headed Girl find out about unwanted pregnancy in, IT'S BLUE,
CHARLIE BROWN! Is Linus gay? Find out in, IT'S A DIFFERENT KIND OF LOVE,
CHARLIE BROWN Explore the real problems of child abuse in America in, YOU MADE ME DO THAT, CHARLIE BROWN!
See how the PEANUTS gang deals with date rape in, NO MEANS NO, CHARLIE BROWN!
Discover a father's forbidden love in, IT'S OUR LITTLE SECRET, CHARLIE BROWN.
Franklin speaks The PEANUTS gang gets a lesson in Ebonics in, IMO BUSTA CAP INYO ASS, CHARLIE BROWN!
What goes on in the mind of a serial killer? Discover the inner workings of Pig Pen's twisted psyche and meet his murderous alter ego Mr. Clean in, GOD TOLD ME TO DO IT, CHARLIE BROWN.
Charlie Brown peddles his body for crack money while stealing Social Security checks and boosting automobiles in GO BLAME SOCIETY, CHARLIE BROWN!
A Texan went up to the airline check-in counter and boomed, "howdy, ma'am. My name's Brown, spelled B-R-O-W-N. Ah'm from Dallas, Texas. Ah'm 6-foot 3-inches tall. Ah'm white from th' top of mah head to th' tip of mah toes, and I hate the Irish." Well, she didn't know what else to do, so she took his ticket and showed him onto the plane. He sat down in his seat, and turned to the fellow next to him, "howdy, suh. My name's Brown, spelled B-R-O-W-N. Ah'm from Dallas, Texas. Ah'm 6-foot 3-inches tall. Ah'm white from th' top of mah head to th' tip of mah toes, and I hate the Irish." The little fellow turned to him, "well now, how d'ye do. My name is Patrick Michael O'Donnell. I'm from Dublin, Ireland. I'm 5-foot 6-inches tall, and I'm white from the top o' me head to the tip o' me toes, except for me rectum, which is brown. Spelled B-R-O-W-N."
Let's just imagine Let's just say, "hypothetically," that I decided to flog my dolphin last night just before retiring for the evening. And let's just say that when I went to pee in the morning, some dried manchowder might have dried up around the opening to my prick, blocking the flow of urine. And let's just say that that blockage, might have caused urine to back up inside my rod for a second or two, creating an unusually fierce spray of piss pressure once said blockage was busted. And let's just say that this high velocity piss-stream shot off at a 45-degree angle to the left because of said blockage. Let's just imagine that this 45-degree angle cause me to hit the ear of the cat who was perched not too far away, causing said cat to FLIP OUT, screech, and perform a 4-legged leap with a half-twist and quarter roll (difficulty of 6.8). Let's just say there may have been an empty glass resting on the back of the toilet, which may or may not have been tossed off the back of the toilet by said cat in the aforementioned jump. That glass, we might say, falls really close to my foot, lodging a small shard of glass into my left foot. This lodging of said glass shard may have caused me to immediately grab said left foot, creating a situation of hopping on one leg (while still relieving myself, mind you) on a tile surface which is becoming increasingly wetter by the second. Let's just say that it only takes a few hops on one foot on a slippery surface to end a physical event of such fashion. AND LET'S JUST SAY that once my foot was taken out from underneath me, that I crashed into the shower door, knocking it off it's tracks and causing me to fall in the shower and somehow ending in a back down, face up position, legs elevated, with blood running down my leg, pee streaming down my body to my neck, and a new head-welt with massive headache to boot. Let this be a lesson to you, next time you feel like rubbing your pole.
A bunch of guys were sitting around the break room talking about sex and women of course and in comes Joe Schmo. One guy says to the other guys, "Man I just don't understand it. That guy Joe is just an average ordinary looking guy who doesn't have a lot of money and he gets all the women he wants with the snap of his fingers." "What the hell does he got that I haven't got?" And this other guy who is an old timer and has been around awhile looks at the guy and says, "Son let me ask you a question. When you go to the bathroom and you get done whizzing, do you shake your penis with your hand to get off the excess urine?" And the other guy is kind of puzzled but he says "Well yeah. Of course I do." "But what does that have to do with Joe getting all the women?" The old timer looks him in the eye and says "Well son, Ol' Joe over there when he gets done taking a piss, he doesn't shake it, He Kicks It!"
What is it? I would be glad to fence in the state of Ca