"A Dummies' Guide"
Don't throw a brick straight up.
Don't take long naps while driving.
Walk around toxic waste dumps, not through them.
Your body has the correct number of holes in it.
Don't make any more.
Don't microwave yourself too often.
Don't stick body parts into electrical outlets.
When using an acetylene torch, don't feel the flame to see if it's sufficiently hot.
If you're on a ball field and someone shouts "Heads up!" don't actually raise your head up.Cover it with your arms and duck.
Don't tie yourself to an airplane propeller.
When you are in bed remember to close your eyes.
No matter how tempting it is to be one with nature, stay on the outside of all fences at the zoo.
When sticking thumb tacks into bulletin boards, press on the flat end.
Under no circumstances should you ever reproduce.
When you find a prize in a box of " Crackerjacks " there is no need to report it on your income tax return.
"Time" magazine is not suitable to wear on your wrist. Get a watch.
One + one = two. Try to remember that.
Don't count the peas in a can. It is not an exact science.
If you discover that February only has 28 days, don't report it to the Consumer Fraud Department. Likely they will ignore your complaint.
For faster elevator service press the elevator button many times.
April 1st is Your special high holy day.
There was a terrible bus accident. Unfortunately, no one survived the accident except a monkey which was on board and there were no witnesses. The police try to investigate further but they get no results. At last, they try to interrogate the monkey. The monkey seems to respond to their questions with gestures. Seeing that, they start asking the questions. The police chief asks, "What were the people doing on the bus?" The monkey shakes his head in a condemning manner and starts dancing around; meaning the people were dancing and having fun. The chief asks, "Yeah, but what else were they doing?". The monkey uses his hand and takes it to his mouth as if holding a bottle. The chief says, "Oh! They were drinking, huh??!" The chief continues, "Okay, were they doing anything else?" The monkey nods his head and moves his mouth back and forth, meaning they were talking. The chief loses his patience, "If they were having such a great time, who was driving the stupid bus then?" The monkey cheerfully swings his arms to the sides as if grabbing a wheel.
He was not well-educated and rather rough and crude around the edges, but he was recently converted and now on fire for the Lord. He was constantly pestering the pastor to give him some work that would be helpful to the church. Finally the pastor agreed. He gave the man a list of ten people who hadn't been in church for years nor made any financial contribution. Some of these were quite prominent in the community. The pastor said, "What I want you to do is get these people back to church, however you can. You can use church stationery if you want, but get these people back to church." Three weeks later the pastor got an envelope in the mail from a prominent doctor whose name had been on the list, along with a check for $1,000 and a note that read, "Dear Pastor, Please excuse my inactivity at church. I really have no excuse. Accept this check as a partial contribution for all the Sundays I've missed, and be assured I will never, by choice, miss worship again.
Sincerely, J. B. Jones, M.D.
P.S. - Will you kindly tell your secretary that there is only one "t" in dirty and no "c" in skunk?
SIXTEEN STEPS TO BUILD A CAMPFIRE
Building a campfire is easy. just follow these sixteen steps (in order):
Split dead limb into fragments and shave one fragment into slivers.
Bandage left thumb.
Chop other fragments into smaller fragments.
Bandage left foot.
Make structure of slivers (include those embedded in hand).
Repeat "a Scout is cheerful" and light match.
Apply match to slivers, add wood fragments, and blow gently into base of fire.
Apply burn ointment to nose.
When fire is burning, collect more wood.
Upon discovering that fire has gone out while out searching for more wood, soak wood from can labeled "kerosene."
Treat face and arms for second-degree burns.
Relabel can to read "gasoline."
When fire is burning well, add all remaining firewood.
When thunder storm has passed, repeat steps.
A guy is walking along the strip in Las Vegas and a knockout looking hooker catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the hooker, "How much do you charge?" Hooker replies, "It starts at $500 for a hand-job." The guy says, "$500 dollars! For a hand-job! Jesus Christ! No hand-job is worth that kind of money!" The hooker says, "Do you see that Denny's on the corner?" "Yes." "Do you see the Denny's about a block further down?" "Yes." "And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's?" "Yes." "Well," says the hooker, smiling invitingly, "I own those. And, I own them because I give a hand-job that's worth $500." The guy says, "What the hell? You only live once. I'll give it a try." They retire to a nearby motel. A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realizing that he just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500. He is so amazed, he says, "I suppose a blow-job is $1,000?" The hooker replies, "$1,500." "I wouldn't pay that for a blow-job!" The hooker replies, "Step over here to the window, big boy. Do you see that casino just across the street? I own that casino outright. And I own it because I give a blow-job that's worth every cent of $1,500." The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, decides to put off the new car for another year or so, and says, "Sign me up." Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before. He can scarcely believe it but he feels he truly got his money's worth. He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and unforgettable experience. He asks the hooker, "How much for some pussy?" The hooker says, "Come over here to the window, I want to show you something. Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us, all those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and showplaces?" "Damn!" the guy says, in awe, "You own the whole city?" "No," the hooker replies, "but I would if I had a pussy."
This woman is driving into a small town and slams on the brakes as a coyote runs across the road in front of her. Just as she regains her wits and gets ready to proceed, a cowboy runs right in front of her and catches the coyote by the hind legs and starts screwing it. 'Oh my God!' she exclaims and drives into town to find the local law. She sees the local sheriff's car parked in front of the town bar. 'It figures,' she says as she storms inside. The first thing she notices is an old, old man with a long white beard sitting in the corner jacking-off. She runs up to the sheriff who's sitting at the bar with his drink. "What kind of sick town are you running here?! I drive into town and almost run over some cowboy sodomizing an animal... and then... I come in here.... and see this old man in the corner jacking-off right in public!!!!??' 'Well, ma'am,' the sheriff slowly replies, 'You don't expect him to catch a coyote at his age, do ya?'
Every Friday afternoon, a mathematician goes down to the bar, sits in the second-to-last seat, turns to the last seat, which is empty, and asks a girl who isn't there if he can buy her a drink. The bartender, who is used to weird university types, always shrugs but keeps quiet. But when Valentine's Day arrives, and the mathematician makes a particularly heart-wrenching plea into empty space, curiosity gets the better of the bartender, and he says, "I apologize for my stupid questions, but surely you know there is NEVER a woman sitting in that last stool. Why do you persist in asking out empty space?" The mathematician replies, "Well, according to quantum physics, empty space is never truly empty. Virtual particles come into existence and vanish all the time. You never know when the proper wave function will collapse and a girl might suddenly appear there." The bartender raises his eyebrows. "Really? Interesting. But couldn't you just ask one of the girls who comes here every Friday if you could buy HER a drink? Never know --she might say yes." The mathematician laughs. "Yeah, right -- how fucking likely is THAT to happen?"
A priest is hearing confession at his church in County Cork. "Forgive me father" says the penitent, "for I have sinned. I am a single man and I have had sexfour times in the last week with Fanny Green" He is blessed by the priest who tells him to say five Hail Marys and go in peace. The next penitent arrives. "Forgive me Father" he prays, "I have sinned. It has been a month since my last confession and in that time I have had sex twenty times with Fanny Green" The priest tells him to say five Our Fathers and ten Hail Marys and go in peace But the next parishioner comes to confess "Forgive me Father, I am a married man. It has been two months since my last confession and in thattime I have had sex every day with Fanny Green" The priest by this time is very much perturbed but blesses the man and sends him on his way. However he cannot but wonder about Fanny Green. It is, after all, only a small parish in which the priest knows every soul. But he has never, before today, heard of this Fanny Green. Nonetheless, it's time for mass and the priest heads off to lead the service. Just as he is about to offer the host, the doors of the chuch burst open, and a statuesque vision of loveliness the likes of which he has never seen, walk into the church. She is dressed in green. Green shoes, green dress, green coat and a green hat, topped off with a green feather. This apparition confidently walks down the centre aisle to the front pew where she takes a seat an fixes the priest with a seductive smile....all the time her legs slightly just like that sinful hussy Sharon Stone....and he can see...almost.....he thinks....her pussy. The priest is completely flustered and in the middle of mass too He turns to the alter boy, wondering if this is the woman of whom he has heard in confession. "Tell me, lad" he asks, "is tat Fanny Green?" "Noooooo Father, I tink 'tis just t' reflection from her shoes"
A white house source stated Congress is considering awarding Vice-President Dick Cheney the Medal of Freedom, the nation's highest civilian commendation, for his act of bravery in shooting an attorney. The source was quoted to say, "All Americans have wanted to shoot a lawyer at one time or another and Cheney actually had the guts to do it". In a related story, the Texas Parks and Wildlife Department, which issues hunting licenses, said that it will start requiring hunters, wishing to bag a lawyer, to have the new "lawyer's stamp" on their hunting license. Currently Texas hunters are required to carry stamps for hunting birds, deer, and bear, at a cost of $7 annually. The new "lawyers stamp" will cost $100, but open season will be all year long. The department further stated that although the "lawyers stamp" comes at hefty price, sales have been brisk and it is believe it will generate annual revenues in excess of $3 billion dollars the first year. Other states are considering similar hunting stamps.
Saturday morning a fisherman gets up early, dresses quietly, gets hislunchmade, puts on his long johns, grabs the dog and goes to the garge tohook uphis boat to the truck and head down to his favorite fishing area.Coming out of his garage, rain is pouring down; it is like a torrentialdownpour. There is snow mixed in with the rain, and wind is blowing 50mph.Minutes later, he returns to the house and turns the TV to the WeatherChannel. He finds it's going to be bad weather all day long, so he putshisboat in the garge, quietly undresses and slips back into bed.There he cuddles up to his wife's back, now different anticipation, andwhispers, "The weather out there is terrble."To which she sleepily replies, "Can you believe my stupid husband is outfishing in that shit?"
A old man stops by a cafe for breakfast. After paying the tab, he checks his pockets and leaves three pennies for a tip.As he strides toward the door, his waitress muses, only half to herself, "You know, you can tell a lot about a man by the tip he leaves."The old man turns around, curiosity getting the better of him. "Oh, really?Tell me, what does my tip say?""Well, this penny tells me you're a thrifty man."Barely able to conceal his pride, the man utters, "Hmm, true enough.""And this penny, it tells me you're a bachelor."Surprised at her perception, he says, "Well, that's true, too.""And the third penny tells me that your father was also a bachelor."
Advantages and Disadvantages for Having a Threesome
1 It can get really weird
2 Someone can go for beer without interrupting the proceedings
3 There's always a hand or mouth free when you need one
4 Motel rooms split 3 ways are only $13
5 You get to watch your best friends making love
6 You get to get watched making love
7 Simultaneous enjoying intercourse and oral sex has to be experienced to be believed
8 You get strange looks when you all go out dancing
9 You get really strange looks when you all go out comparison shopping for condoms 1
0 Enough people to play gin rummy if things don't work out
11 You can safely check yourself for any homosexual tendencies without actually doing anything about it
12 Calling out the wrong name during climax isn't as much of a problem, the "wrong name" is probably the one on your left
13 Three-person showers are fantastic
14 Three-person naked belly laughs are even better 15 Three-person kisses are best
1 It can get really weird
2 Tougher for three people to decide on pizza toppings
3 Simultaneous orgasms are even trickier to pull off
4 You may harbor paranoid thoughts that while you're in the bathroom, the other two are giggling over the pimple on your butt
5 Trying to find safe places to put your elbows
6 You get to find out what kind of really sick things your friends like
7 Queen-sized beds are suddenly smaller than you remember them
8 Trying to fit 3 names in the little heart when drawing on your notebooks
9 Morning breath multiplied by 3
10 You might discover homosexual tendencies you didn't suspect or want 1
1 You might discover homosexual tendencies in one of your friends you didn't suspect or want
12 You have the option of wrecking twice the normal number of relationships 13 The odds of boyfriends/spouses walking in on you triple
14 Sorting clothes quickly when the boyfriend/spouse walks in assumes comical proportions
15 Now there's two wet spots to avoid.
Pappy sees Little Johnny walking with a lantern and asks, "Where ya going boy?"
Little Johnny smiled and replied, "I'm a-going courting Peggy-Sue."
The Father said, "When I went a-courtin', I didn't need me no dang lantern."
"Sure Pa, I know." Little Johnny said. "And look what you got!
A woman goes to the supermarket. She starts walking up and down the aisles.
Each aisle she goes to she touches her head, her ears, her breasts, and her crotch.
After doing this a number of times, a man approaches her and ask if she is having a problem. She tells him, "No, why?"
He says that he would like to know what she is doing at the beginning of each aisle.
She says she is trying to remember her grocery list.
He seems puzzled and asks for an explanation, so she goes thru the motions again.
She touches her head and says, "Head of lettuce."
She touches her ears. "Two ears of corn."
Breasts. "Two chicken breasts."
TOP TEN SIGNS WHEN YOUR RELATIONSHIP IS ON THE ROCKS
Her term of affection for you is "You Bastard."
She shaves your eyebrows off while you are asleep.
She rushes to answer the phone each time it rings, and puts it down saying, "I can't talk now... I'll call you later."
Your picture on her wall has darts in it.
She reads books like "Women are From Venus, Men Are Complete Assholes."
She falls asleep while having sex with you .
When you call her, she answers your voice with, Oh. It's only you."
She cancels your date because she has to clean out the septic tank.
She makes inquiries about going on the Witness Protection Program.
And the Number One Sign Your Relationship Is On The Rocks
Is her cat pees on you and receives a reward
Three sisters wanted to get married, but their parents couldn't afford it so they had all of them on the same day. They also couldn't afford to go on a honeymoon so they all stayed home with their new hubbies. That night the mother got up because she couldn't sleep. When she went past her oldest daughter's room she heard screaming. Then she went to her second daughters room and she heard laughing. Then she went to her youngest daughter's room and she couldn't hear anything. The next morning when the men left the mother asked her oldest daughter, "Why were you screaming last night?" The daughter replied "Mom you always told me if something hurt I should scream." "That's true." She looked at her second daughter. "Why were you laughing so much last night?" The daughter replied "Mom you always said that if something tickled you should laugh." "That's also true." Then the mother looked at her youngest daughter. "Why was it so quiet in your room last night?" The youngest daughter replied "Mom you always told me I should never talk with my mouth full."