Thursday, March 09, 2006

(R)ated Giggles Enter At Your Own Taste

DAY ONE 6:00 am: Get up early. Shower, shave, dance naked with the curtains open.
6:15 am: Put on my really cool, plaid, wrinkle-free suit. Hide the bodies and wipe off any possible finger prints.
6:30 am: Eat a half-rack of spare ribs and chug a pint of day old Yoo- Hoo. Lock the dog in a small, unlit closet with no food or water.
6:45 am: Leave a dead fish in the mailbox. Depart for the airport.
7:30 am: Check my bags. Chain smoke in the airport lavatory.
8:00 am: Board the plane. Scare the guy sitting next to me by stuffing my hands into my pants and yelling "down boy!"
8:15 am: Collect everyone's airsick bags and weave them into a sexy nighty. Buzz the flight attendant and offer her a can of cocktail weenies.
8:30 am: Take off for Disneyland.
9:00 am: Use my laptop to send "messages from space" to the cockpit. Scream "There's a man on the wing of this plane!" over and over until someone gives me a Valium.
9:05 am: Sleep, perchance to dream.
7:00 pm: Land at LAX Leave a special "ticking package" in the airplane lavatory.
7:15 pm: Be the first one off the plane by declaring that the kidney in my carry on bag must be delivered by sundown.
7:25 pm: While exiting the plane, announce to the folks waiting to transfer "Damn that captain can put away some tequila!"
7:30 pm: Club an airport employee and steal his golf cart. Claim someone else's luggage.
7:45 pm: Hail a cab. When the driver says "Where to?", wink and ask to go back to his place.
7:50 pm: Get some ice for my head wound. Walk to the hotel.
8:30 pm: Check in at the hotel. Go to the hotel bar and stuff beer nuts into my nose until asked to leave.
8:45 pm: Strip down to my dainty underthings and hang out in the lobby. Beg for change in the lobby until asked to leave.
9:00 pm: Pee in the fountain. Proposition the bell hops. Go to my room.
9:15 pm: Unpack.
9:30 pm: Toss the TV over the balcony. 10 pts if it lands in the pool. 50 pts if I kill a pedestrian. 100 pts if I kill a swimming pedestrian.
9:45 pm: Sing to my toothbrush. Cut eyeholes in the bed linens and "haunt" the adjoining guest rooms.
9:50 pm: Use C4 and fishing line to set trip wires for the maid.
10:00 pm: Put on my golf shoes and very little else. Find the roughest cowboy bar in town.
10:30 pm: Drink a shot of Jagermeister for every letter of the Chineese alphabet. Walk from person to person in the bar, point to someone else and say: "You gonna let him talk about your mom like that?"
10:35 pm: Leave quickly and quietly.
11:00 pm: Return to the hotel. Call room service and order poached eggs for everyone on my floor.
11:15 pm: Hide in the hallway and taunt passers by with my anatomically correct sock puppets.
11:30 pm: Do unspeakable things to myself with a hand mixer until the wee hours of the morning.
3:00 am: Sleep...for tomorrow is another day.

Q: What's the definition of "Tender Love?"
A: Two faggots with hemorrhoids.

Nobody is a virgin anymore, life has fucked us all.
"The only differences between lawyers and prostitutes are that prostitutes are generally better looking and more honest about how they make a living."
Q: What do a blonde and an instant lottery ticket have in common?
A: All you have to do is scratch the box to win.

A Viagra delivery truck was high-jacked: The police are looking for two 'hardened criminals'. They expect a stiff penalty under the penal code.
"A blind psychic in Germany claims he can tell people's future by feeling their naked buttocks. I believe this is called 'asstrology.'" - Jay Leno
Please, Lord, let me prove that winning the lottery won't spoil me.
My buddy gave me a tip straight from the horse's mouth, but it was all wet and slimy and disgusting and it smelled awful.

"Great, just what I need," she moaned as he brought home a new microwave oven. "One more thing that heats up instantly and goes off in twenty seconds."
Q. Are birth control pills deductible?
A. Only if they don't work.
Q: Did you hear about the new Vietnamese cookbook?
A: 100 ways to wok your dog.

What is the similarity between an audio cassette and a woman?
You can use them on either side.

A guy walks into a whorehouse and tells one of the girls he wants a blowjob. The girl takes him to a room and proceeds suck him off without a condom. While she does so, the guy sees a half-full bucket of sperm beside the bed. He disregards the strange site as he enjoys the best blowjob of his life. A second later, he shoots long lines of semen into her mouth. She takes every drop, but instead of swallowing, she spits the cum into that damned bucket. The guy wonders aloud, "Don't like swallowing spuzz, huh?" She wipes her mouth and replies, "Another girl and I have a bet. Whoever fills up a bucket first gets to drink both buckets."
This young boy is 10 years old and all he ever wanted to do is go to the circus. Finally one day his mommy goes, "Come on honey, we are going to go to the circus today!" The young boy, Billy, is so overjoyed and he cant wait to go. When they get to the circus they get a good seat right in the front row. Well suddenly the circus clowns come out and start dancing around and such. Billy is so happy and the circus clown asks for a volunteer. Billy raises his hand yelling like cute little kids do: "me me me me me" Well, Bobo the circus clown walks up to little Billy and goes "Hiya kiddo" in that clown voice they have... Billy is so happy and he answers, "HI BOBO"... Then Bobo says to him, "Well kiddo, are you a donkey?" And billy playing along says, "Yes Bobo" Then Bobo goes, "Then you must be an Ass!" All the people in the circus break out into laughter. Little Billy is devastated. Everyone was laughing at little Billy. From that point on, Billy made it his personal mission in life to get back at that clown. As Billy gets older and starts Junior high all he thinks about are ways to get back at that clown. He studies clown books and circus books once he reaches high school. He goes to clown school from High School studying every in and out of being a clown just to one day get back at that clown who ruined his life. Billy, now Bill, graduates clown school with honors. Bill then takes martial arts for a year so he is skilled at kicking ass. Finally the day arrives when Bill decided it was time to get revenge at the clown. So Billy goes back to that same circus and walks up and sits in the front row just like he did 15 years ago. Suddenly as he awaits the start of the circus the clowns come out. Dancing around just like usual Bill instantly spots Bobo, the clown. Bobo jumps around the audience and asks for a volunteer and Bill raises his hand up high...just waiting to be picked. Bobo walks up to Bill and goes, "Hiya mister... Would you like to volunteer?" Bill stands up and walks out into the center of the circus and looks right at Bobo the clown and says, "Sure." Bobo the clown then says to Bill, "Are you a donkey?" Bill answers, "Yes." Then Bobo says, "Then you must be an Ass." And Bill turns all red, the moment he has been waiting for for 15 years. All his training for this one moment... and Bill answers, "Fuck You."
A man sat at a local bar and said, "This is a special day, I'm celebrating." "What a coincidence," said the woman next to him. I'm celebrating, too" she replied, clinking glasses with him. "What are your celebrating?" "I'm a chicken farmer, and for years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally fertile." "What a coincidence, the woman said, for my husband and I have been trying to have a child. Today, my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant! How did your chickens become fertile?" she asked. "I switched cocks," he replied. "What a coincidence," she said. A man rushed into a bar and ordered a double martini. The man downed it with one swallow, put a five dollar bill on the bar, and turned and rushed out of the bar. The bartender picked up the five-dollar bill, and folded it carefully and tucked it in his vest pocket. Just at that moment he looked up at the boss standing in the doorway staring at him. Doing a bit of fast thinking he said, "Hi boss, did you see that fellow just now? Came in here, bought a double martini, gave me a five dollar tip, and rushed out without paying." Two 90-year-olds had been dating for some time, when the man told the woman, "I think it's time we had sex, don't you agree?" The old woman agrees and the two make love that afternoon. Afterward, as they are lying in bed, the man thinks to himself, "My word, if I had known that she was a virgin, I would have been much more gentle!" Meanwhile, the woman was thinking to herself, "My word, if I had known that the old geezer could really get it up, I would have taken off my pantyhose." If the seven dwarfs had the cake cut into seven pieces but with a single cherry in the center piece, which one would get the cherry. The one who got the first piece.
A young man opens a corner grocery in Brooklyn and is fairly successful. After a while he meets and marries a wonderful young woman. A year later she presents him with a healthy baby boy. He then calls the neighborhood Mohel who performs the the bris and charges him $50.00. Now his business grows beautifully and he opens a supermarket in nearby Long Island and even buys a modest home near the supermarket. As fate would have it, his wife delivers another son. For sentimental reasons he calls upon the Mohel from his old neighborhood and happily requests his services. The Mohel charges $250.00 this time. As time goes by he opens several more supermarkets and moves into a big beautiful home way out Long Island. Once again his wife presents him with a third son and once again, for sentimental reasons he requests the services of the same Mohel who this time charges $1000.00. As he is writing out the check he says to the Mohel, "Your charges sure have increased dramatically in the last few years. Why?" The Mohel responds, "The $50.00 charge was for a Bris, the $250.00 charge was for a Luxury Ritual Circumcision and the $1000.00 charge was for a Very Delicate Schmuckelectomy!"



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