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Wednesday, March 22, 2006

Retro Giggles (R)ated


Well, dear what's it to be tonight?" said the amorous hubby. "Hmmm....I'm in the mood for something special tonight, how about turkey style?" replied his mate. "Turkey style? I've heard of 'doggy style,' but what in the world is turkey style?" "Gobble, gobble, gobble!"
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Q: What did god say after making Adam?
A: I can do better.
Q: Then what did he say after creating Eve??
A: Fuck, guess I was wrong.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
"Understanding Men"
Men claim women control them because women understand men, while men know nothing about women. Let's see if women really understand men...
1. The nice men are ugly.
2. The handsome men are not nice.
3. The handsome and nice men are gay.
4. The handsome, nice and heterosexual men are married.
5. The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men, have no money.
6. The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men with money think we are only after their money.
7. The handsome men without money are after our money.
8. The handsome men, who are not so nice and somewhat heterosexual, don't think we are beautiful enough.
9. The men who think we are beautiful, that are heterosexual, somewhat nice and have money, are cowards.
10. The men who are somewhat handsome, somewhat nice and have some money and thank, heaven, are heterosexual, are shy and
NEVER MAKE THE FIRST MOVE!
11. The men who never make the first move, automatically lose interest in us when we take the initiative. Now...
Who In On Earth Understands Men?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Morris and his wife were vacationing in Hawaii when a violent earthquake occurred at 3 AM. As soon as morning came, the man went down to the hotel lobby to read the newspaper about what had happened. As he was reading the newspaper, a local gentlemen step up and ask him if he had felt the earthquake during the night. "I sure did. My wife and I are here on vacation from the mainland, and I have felt other earthquakes, but I have never felt a quake like that one, it was terrible. I thought the building was going to come down on us." The guy asks, "What were you doing during the earthquake?" "Gee, I was having the best sexual performance of my life as that earthquake was happening." "Is that right?" "And what did your wife think about it?" Morris said, "Well, it damn near woke her up!"
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Three geezers are sitting on a porch in Miami Beach. Suddenly the first sighs and says, "Gentlemen, isn't life horrible. Here I am at an age that I can afford the best steaks and what? Bad teeth and gums. I have to eat ground or soft foods." The second answers, "Yeah, life is a real bummer. Why here I am at an age where I can buy the finest wines, champagne but what? Ulcers, I have to drink milk." The third sighs loudly and adds, "Gentlemen, I know exactly what you mean. Last night at 2 am I nudged my wife and asked her if she's interested. She screams at me, "What is wrong with you Sam? We just got finished doing it for the second time tonight!" After a long pause the first man says, "So what is your problem?" The third one grunts and says, "Can't you see? My memory is going."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
One morning a woman was walking out of her front door, when she notices a strange little man at the bottom of her garden. "You're a goblin," she says, "I caught you and you owe me three wishes!". So the goblin replies "OK, you caught me fair and square, what's your first wish?". The woman stops and thinks for a second, "I want a huge mansion to live in.", goblins replies "OK, you've got it.". Woman again thinks it over, "My second wish is a Mercedes." "OK, you've got that too." "My last wish is a million dollars!". The goblin then says "OK, you've got it. But to make your wishes come true you have to have sex all night with me." "OK then, if that's what it takes..." Next morning the little man wakes the woman up. "Tell me," says the man, "how old are you?" "I'm 27", she replies "Fuck me", says the man, "27 and you still believe in goblins"
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Little Johnnie sees his Daddy's car passing the playground and go into the woods. Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace. Johnnie finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly about what he saw: "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane layed down on the seat, then Daddy..." At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnnie, this is such an interesting story. Suppose you save the rest of it for suppertime. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight." At the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnnie to tell his story, so Johnnie starts his story, describing the car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and... "...then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
These three guys die in a car wreck, and they all go to Hell. When they arrive, the Devil asks each of the men what their sin was. The first guy says "It's gotta be the booze. I'm always drunk." The Devil decides to lock him in this room for 100 years with nothing but shelves of every kind of alcohol you could dream of. The guy's thinking, "Fuck yeah! Look at all this alcohol!" and runs into the room. The second guy says, "It's the women. I could never stay faithful to my wife." The devil opens the second door and nothing but the finest-looking naked women that you have ever seen. And he would be the only guy in there for 100 years. He couldn't believe it. His dick was instantly hard and he went hauling ass into the room and the Devil shut the door. The third man said "It's gotta be the bud. I'm always tokin' up." The Devil opens the third door to reveal nothing but fields of 10-foot tall, icky, sticky, take-a-toke, make-ya-choke, chronic, green, death bud. The stoner can't believe it. He goes in and takes a seat Indian style with his back to the door and the Devil shuts the door behind him. One hundred years go by and the Devil comes back to check on the three men. He opens the first door and the man comes crawling out. He's got an empty bottle in one hand, he's completely naked, hasn't shaved or showered in years, and is covered in his own puke, shit and piss. "I'll never drink again!" he says. The devil tells him that at least he learned something and decides to give him a second shot at life. The devil then opens the second door and the man comes running out even faster than when he went in. "I'm fucking gay!" he screams. The devil decides that at least he learned not to cheat on his wife and gives him another chance as well. The devil then comes to the third door. He opens it and nothing has changed. The stoner is still sitting in the same position that he was 100 years ago. The devil asks him if he learned anything. The stoner turns around as a tear rolls down his cheek. "You gotta a light man?"
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
A husband and his wife advertised for a live-in maid to cook and do the housework. They hired a most comely young woman for the job. he worked out fine, was a good cook, was polite, and kept the house neat, and also kept the gentleman of the household most satisfied indeed!. One day, after about six months, she came in and said she would have to quit. "But why?" asked the disappointed wife. She hemmed and hawed and said she didn't want to say, but the wife was persistent, so finally she said, "Well, I'm pregnant." The wife said, "Look, we don't want to lose you. I am not able to have children and my husband and I would dearly love children, so we'll adopt your baby if you will stay." She talked to her husband and of course he readily agreed, and the maid said she would stay. The baby came, they adopted it, and all went well. After several months though, the maid came in again and said that she would have to quit. The wife questioned her, found out that she was pregnant again, talked to her husband, and offered to adopt the baby if she would stay. She agreed, had the baby, they adopted it, and life went on as usual. In a few months, however, she again said she would have to leave. Same thing. She was pregnant. They made the same offer, she agreed, and they adopted the third baby. She worked for another two months, but then said, " I am definitely leaving this time." "Don't tell me you're pregnant again?" asked the lady of the house. "No," she said, "there are just too many bloody kids here to pick up after!"
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
(David Jones is an exclusive Aussie Department store) This guy walks into a bar with this really great shirt on. The bartender says, "Where'd you get the great shirt mate?" The man replies, "David Jones." This 2nd guy walks into the bar with really good pants on and the bartender says "Where'd you get the great pants mate?" The man replies, " David Jones." This 3rd guy walks into the bar with really great shoes and sock on. The bartender says, "Where'd you get the great shoes and socks mate?" The man replies, "David Jones." Then this 4th guy runs in stark naked and the bartender goes, "Hey! Wait a minute! Who the hell do you think you are, mate?" The naked guy sneers and says, "Who the heel do you think? - I'm David Jones!"
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Playing guitar is like fucking -- you never forget it. Unless you're really, really stupid.
- Frank Zappa ```````````
The real question is: Is it possible to laugh while fucking?"

- Frank Zappa
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Debra and Jenny were having lunch together, and discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery. Debra says, "I need to be honest with you, I'm getting a boob job." Jenny says "Oh that's nothing, I'm thinking of having my asshole bleached!" To which Debra replies, "Whoa I just can't picture your husband as a blonde!"
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Joe pulled over the car by the side of the road and showed Kevin where he'd first had sex. "It was right down there by that tree. I remember the day plainly. It was a warm summer day. She and I were so much in love. We walked down to the tree and made love for hours," Joe recalled. "That sounds wonderful," said Kevin. "Yes. It was ok until I looked up and noticed her mother was standing right there watching us." "Oh my God!!! What did her mother say when she saw you making love to her daughter?"..... "Baaaaaaa." said Joe.


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