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Saturday, March 04, 2006

Sat Giggles




GOOD SEX FOR GOLFERS:
Here are the Rules:


4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.
5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to the hole.
6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.

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At a party a guy cornered a girl and whispered something in her ear. "You filthy pervert!" she shrieked. "What makes you think I'd let you do a thing like that to me?" Then her eyes narrowed and she said, "Unless you're the creep that stole my diary ..."
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Rooney owned an Irish pub in the Bronx, and in the summertime a swarm of flies seemed to just hover over the buffet table. This had been going on for about a month when O'Malley, the neighborhood mooch, walked in one day. "I'm not giving you another free beer!'' Rooney hollered, as he noticed O'Malley. The drunk was not without a plan, however. He approached Rooney and offered him a deal. ''I been noticing these flies for the last weeks. If you'll give me a shot, I'll kill every one of them for you.'' Rooney gave him the agreed- upon shot. Once he had downed it, O'Malley got up and headed for the door. ''All right,'' he shouted, ''send 'em out----one at a time!''
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There was a nervous patient whose imagination afflicted him with all kinds of ills which never seemed to materialize. - One afternoon he staggered into the house. He was bent forward, and tottering to a chair, and still curled into a half-moon shape, dropped into it. "Honey," he gasped, "it's come at last. There was no warning. All of a sudden he found he couldn't straighten up. and couldn't lift his head." When the doctor had arrived and looked over the patient, the wife inquired, Is there any hope?" "Well," the doctor said, "it will help a good deal if he can unhitch the third buttonhole of his vest from the top button of his trousers."
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The new Vicar was up early one Sunday morning, walking round his new parish, after leaving his wife in bed with the Sunday papers, her cup of tea, and a pack of cigarettes. One of the old villagers came up to him and said. "Good morning Vicar, how be you and the wife?" The Vicar said, "Good morning my man, I am fine, the wife is fine also as I left her in bed smoking." The villager said, "Arr, Vicar, that's the way to screw 'em!"
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A very popular girl went to her doctor and found out that she was pregnant. The doctor says, "I know that you are not married! Do you know who the father of this baby is?" The girl thought, and then asked, "Doc, if you ate a can of 'Baked Beans', would you know exactly which bean made you fart?"
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*I never particularly cared about playing golf until I read this:' Summer is here and it's golfing time....well.....I guess it's golfing time all the time! The Rules of Bedroom Golf:
1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play, normally one club and two balls.
2. Play on course must be approved by the owner of the hole.
3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out.
4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.
5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to the hole.
6. Object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the owner is satisfied play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play again.
7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival. Experienced players will normally take time to admire the entire course, paying special attention to well formed mounds and bunkers.
8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played or are currently playing to the owner of the course being played. Upset owners have been known to damage a players equipment for this reason.
9. Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear, just in case.
10. Players should not assume that the course is in shape to play at all times. Players may be embarrassed if they find the course temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternate means of play when this is the case.
11. Players should assume their match has been properly scheduled particularly when playing a new course for the 1st time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else is playing what they considered a private course.
12. The owner of the course is responsible for the pruning of any bushes, which may reduce the visibility of the hole.
13. Players are strongly advised to get the owners permission before attempting to play the backside.
14. Slow play is encouraged, however, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace at the owners request.
15. It is considered an outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.

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A young fellow at the state fair stood watching an old Indian. Above the old Indian was a sign that read, "$5.00 - If I can't tell you where you're from, I'll pay you $50.00!" The young man watched a cowboy approach the Indian and ask, "Is the sign right?". The Indian says, "yes." The cowboy hands him a five and says, "you're on!" The Indian looks the cowboy up and down, noticing some cow dung on his boots and flatly states, "you're from Wyoming." The cowboy shakes his head and says, "I'll be darned! You're right!" and strolls away. A second cowboy approaches the Indian and goes through the same routine. Handing him the fiver, he stands and watches as the Indian looks him up and down and notices a bit of straw and cow dung on his boots. The Indian says, "you're from Montana!" The cowboy, dejected as all get out, walks away. The young man decides he's going to give the Indian a run for the money. He goes into the man's room, takes his boots off, scrubs them up, dries them off, puts on a coat of polish and approaches the Indian. He hands the Indian a five-dollar bill and says, "do your stuff!" The Indian looks and looks, up and down, and appears to be confused. The young man is now thinking he's gone one up on the Indian. The Indian then says, "You're from Arkansas!" The young man gets really upset and can't for the life of him figure out how the Indian could know that, so he asks, "How in the world did you know I'm from Arkansas?" The Indian replies, "by the wool on your zipper."
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It could happen to you.... I always wanted a hopped up muscle car when I was younger. I couldn't afford one. Now I can, and I have one. It is a '70 Mustang, and her name is Bessie. Bessie is the prototypical juvenile, male-caveman, scratch your crotch and drink cheap beer car. Chromed engine, dual exhaust, 250 horsepower, big tires, tra la la la. I'm driving Bessie on Beach Boulevard behind an ancient guy in a beat up truck. He decides to turn in front of me without a blinker. I accelerate to swerve and avoid him, and this asshole, overaerobicized woman jumps in front of my car with her hand up. Meet Ethel, the neighborhood busybody/nuisance. She proceeds to yell in my window, "Hey, slow down you fucking idiot." I'm a well-bred, mellow guy by nature, so I ignore this. As I drive away, she yells, "asshole" at me again. Twice? Screw that. I turn around and drive up next to her. "Do you have a problem?" I ask. "Yeah, why are you driving like an idiot?" "I was driving like an idiot? How, exactly?" "You were speeding. I watched you." "You were? I see. How did you measure my speed?" (Ever the interrogator, I am.) "I heard you." "So, you measured my speed by ear?" "I can hear." "How fast did you HEAR me going?" "Look," she says, "I don't have to take this. Here comes a cop. I'll wave him down." THE POLICE? This woman is a trip. She waves him down, and proceeds to tell him that she observed me speeding. "What happened?" he asks. I told him the story, and told him that I accelerated to an indicated 33 mph (the speed limit is 35) to avoid a collision. "Are those mufflers legal?" Ethel asks. She's pushing it. I reply, "I have a C.A.R.B. exemption for them" then I give the paperwork to the cop. She tries to find another thing to screw me with. She says "What about those big tires? They CAN'T be legal. " I began feeling little overheated gears in the back of my head start to turn. "These tires were available on the 1970 Boss 429, " I told the cop, " Which makes them street legal as a replacement." Ethel gets angry. She whines, "So you're not going to give out any tickets to this asshole?" The cop says, "No, I am not." I've about had it. So I say, "Sir, this woman told you that she left the street at the corner, and then she met up with my car here. According to Title 39, pedestrians have to cross the street at a right angle. This woman admitted she crossed at a 45-degree angle, which is a ticketable offense." "What?" The cop looks confused. "Also, she told you that she walked in front of my car to stop me. A citizen can't detain someone without probable cause, under Terry vs.. Ohio (My new favorite case). Since she couldn't measure my speed, she had no probable cause to detain me. That is an indictable offense." The cop says, "But, I didn't see any of this." "But," I said, "I did, and, as an officer of the Court, I can demand her arrest. I'll agree to dismiss the Illegal Detention charge, but I want her cited for not crossing at a right angle and Hazardous Conduct on a Public Street." The cop called his Lieutenant, and after the cop told the story, he authorized the summonses. She went home with $215.00 worth of traffic tickets, and they are worth a total of four points against her license, as well as the appropriate insurance surcharge! Of course, if she demands a trial I won't prosecute. But the look on her face as she walked away was more than enough satisfaction for me. Yeah, I've passed the bar, and I'm on a mission from God.
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A curious little boy asks his mom what his younger sister has between the legs; the young mother does not know how to explain to the boy, so she says: "It's like the Garage..." The boy then asks: "What is mine called?" "It's called the Car..." the mother replies. A few days later, the phone rings while the parents are "busy" in the bedroom; the little boy answers it. It's his dad's friend: "Is your father home? Could I speak to him?" "Yes, but he's busy", the boy replies. "What's he doing? I wanna talk to him..." "Wait, let me check..." The boy looks through the bedroom keyhole; then comes back and says: "He's putting the Car in the Garage "Ok, I'll call back..." A short while later, the man calls back: "Can I talk to your dad now?" "He's still busy..." "What? What's he doing? How long does it take him to put the car in the garage anyway?" "Wait, let me check..." The boy, again, looks through the bedroom keyhole, comes back and has this to tell his dad's friend: "He's still trying to put the Car in the Garage; he keeps moving the Car back and forth. He seems to have problem putting the rear wheels of the Car into the Garage..."
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An English major was being released from prison. The nice looking female clerk was about to give him the $100.00 they give to all released prisoners. Since the inmate had not had female attention for a long time, he suggested that she could keep the money if she would have sex with him. He was immediately rearrested and thrown back into jail. Everybody knows you should never end a sentence with a proposition.

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