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Saturday, March 25, 2006

Saturday Night Mess






Weird Fact The McDonald's in New Delhi, India makes their burgers with mutton as many Hindus do not eat beef.
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Weird Fact The average American drinks 400 glasses of milk in a year.
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Q. What's the difference between a man and a chimpanzee?
A. One is hairy, smelly and is always scratching it's ass and the other's a chimpanzee.
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4 miracles of a woman
1. Getting wet without taking a shower.
2. Bleeding without getting hurt.
3. Giving milk without eating grass.
4. Making boneless flesh hard.

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Here is a riddle for the intellectually minded. The answer is at the end for those who cannot think this one through!! At the exact same time, there are two young men on opposite sides of the earth: One is walking a tight rope between two skyscrapers. The other is getting a blowjob from an 85 year old woman. They are each thinking the exact same thing. What are they both thinking?
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Jill was out driving her car and while stopped at a red light, the car just died. It was a busy intersection and the traffic behind her grew quickly. The man in the car directly behind her started honking his horn continuously, as Jill continued trying to get the car to started again. Finally, Jill got out of her car and approached the man in the car behind her. She smiled and said to him, "I can't seem to get my car started. Would you be a sweetheart and go and see if you can get it started for me. I'll stay here in your car and lean on your horn for you."
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A man walks into a bar. He sees a beautiful, well-dressed woman sitting on a bar stool alone. He walks up to her and says, "Hi there, how's it going tonight?" She turns to him, looks him straight in the eyes and says, "I'll screw anybody any time, any where, any place, it doesn't matter to me." The guy raises his eyebrows and says, "No kidding? What law firm do you work for?"

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Three small boys were bragging about their fathers. The first boasted that his dad owned a real big farm. The second boy said his dad owned a real big factory. The third boy, a pastors son, replied: "That's nothin'. My dad owns hell." "No way," another boys scoffed. "No man can own hell?" "Sure he can," the preacher's son said. "My mom told my grandma that the elders of our church gave it to him last night."
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"If God doesn't destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom and Gomorrah an apology." ---Jay Leno
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It's not polite to talk with your mouth full, and it's not polite to talk on the phone while you're taking a dump. And that pretty much sums up food etiquette from beginning to end.
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Q: Whats the difference between a churchbell and a politician.... A: The church bell peals from the steeple
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A co-worker told George that George's wife was being unfaithful everyday at 1:30 in the afternoon with George's best friend. Worried and hurt, George ran home at 1:30 to see if this was true. He came back to the office contented and relieved. His co-worker asked him how it went. "Look," said George. "Don't start such terrible rumors! That guy isn't my best friend...I don't even know him."
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An elderly couple are both lying in bed one morning, having just awaken from a good nights sleep. He takes her hand and she responds, "Don't touch me". "Why not," he asks. She answers back, "Because I'm dead." The husband says to her, "What are you talking about? We're both lying here in bed together and talking to one another." The wife says, "No, I'm definitely dead." Her husband insists, "You're not dead. What in the world makes you think you're dead?" His wife answers, "I know I'm dead, damn it, because I woke up this morning and nothing hurts."
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Q: Why do men pay more for car insurance?
A: Women don't get blow jobs while they're driving

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A woman came home from her date and began to undress for bed, unaware that a peeping Tom was watching her through her window. She removed her wig and placed it upon the wig stand. She unhooked her padded bra and pitched it into the hamper. She pulled off her girdle with the padded butt and pitched that too. She removed her contact lenses, cleaned them, and stored them in their case. She pulled off her false eyelashes and stuck them to their holder. Suddenly she noticed the man peeping in at her window. "What do you want?" she screamed. He said, "You know what I want. Take it off and throw it over here."
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Two Swedish housemaids are having their pictures taken. The first one asks, "Why is he lookin' at us like that?" The second replies, "He's got to focus." "Oh no," says the first one, "you tell him he has to take the picture first."
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The first woman recruit in the Army reported for duty and was told that although her quarters would be in a separate building, she was to mess with the men. It wasn't until four weeks later that someone finally told her that meant to eat her meals with them.
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What does the word S-I-N-G-L-E stand for?
Stay Intoxicated Nightly, Get Laid Everyday

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Weird Fact Americans drink over a billion pounds of coffee every year and around five million bottles of soda.
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Weird Fact Americans, on average, eat 18 acres of pizza in one day.
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Q. How do you tell a Polish ladder from a normal one?
A. The Polish one has the word STOP stenciled on the top rung.
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The doctor tells a male patient that he has a case of venereal disease. The man replies "That is impossible, I haven't been with anyone recently. I must have caught it off a toilet seat". Doctor says, " in that case you must have been chewing it because you have got it in your gums!!
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They say a vasectomy doesn't affect your masculinity. So how come they give you Playboy on the way in and Good Housekeeping on the way out?
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Lorraine was driving through a town in Oklahoma and stopped Little Davey, to ask where she could find a taxidermist. Little Davey said he didn't think there was any there. She said, "Are you sure?" At that he admitted he didn't know what the word meant. So she explained that a taxidermist is a man who mounts animals. Little Davey said, "Oh hell, we've got plenty of them around here, only we call them goat herders!"
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Jessica was toweling off in front of the mirror when she noticed a few gray pubic hairs. She bent down and said to her privates... "I know you haven't been getting much lately...but I didn't know you were so worried about it!
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A minister planning a wedding at the close of the Sunday morning service, had planned to call the couple down to be married for a brief ceremony before the congregation. For the life of him, he couldn't think of the names of those who were to be married. "Will those wanting to get married please come to the front?" he asked. Immediately, nine single ladies, three widows, four widowers, and six single men stepped to the front.
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A Doctor was walking down the street and saw Little Johnny with a bottle of iodine that he was spilling on the sidewalk. The Doctor said to him, "Son, you shouldn't waste that iodine, I put some on a lady this morning and she passed a baby." Little Johnny looked up and said, "Hell Doc, that's nothing, I put some on my dogs ass and he passed a motorcycle!"
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The kindergarteners were now in the first grade. Their teacher wanted them to be more grown up since they were no longer in kindergarten. She told them to use grown up words instead of baby words. She then asked them to tell her what they did during the summer. The first little one said, "I went to see my Nana." The teacher said, "No, No, you went to see your grandmother. Use the grown up word." The next little one said "I went for a trip on a choo-choo." The teacher again said, "No, No, you went on a trip on a 'train.' That's the grown up word." Then the teacher asked little Johnny what he did during the summer. Little Johnny proudly stated that he read a book. The teacher asked what book he had read. Little Johnny puffed out his chest and in a very adult way replied, "Winnie the Shit."
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