Thursday, March 30, 2006

Sex Laws?

Fellow employees at the international company where I work know I'm a notary public and have me certify personal documents. One day, two Swedish men asked me to witness signatures on an automobile title. "I'm selling my car to this guy," one of them explained. "We came here because we heard you were notorious."
In Ventura County, California, cats and dogs are not allowed to have sex without a permit.
If a police officer in Coeur d'Alene, Idaho, suspects a couple is having sex inside a vehicle they must honk their horn three times, and wait two minutes before being allowed to approach the scene.
A law in Oblong, Illinois makes it a crime to make love while fishing or hunting on your wedding day.
A Helena, Montana law states that a woman cannot dance on a saloon table unless her clothing weights more than three pounds, two ounces.
Hotel owners in Hastings, Nebraska are required by law to provide a clean, white cotton nightshirt to each guest. According to the law, no couple may have sex unless they are wearing the nightshirts.
Any couple making out inside a vehicle, and accidentally sounding the horn during their lustful act, may be taken to jail according to a Liberty Corner, New Jersey law. (In other words, don't honk when you'er horny.)
During lunch breaks in Carlsbad, New Mexico, no couple should engage in a sexual act while parked in their vehicle, unless their car has curtains.
In Nevada sex without a condom is considered illegal.
Hotels in Sioux Falls, South Dakota, are required by law to furnish their rooms with twin beds only. There should be a minimum of two feet between the beds, and it is illegal for a couple to make love on the floor between the beds.
A Tremonton, Utah law states that no woman is allowed to have sex with a man while riding in an ambulance. In addition to normal charges, the woman's name will be published in the local newspaper. The man does not receive any punishment.
In the state of Washington there is a law against having sex with a virgin under any circumstances. (including the wedding night)
In Connorsville, Wisconsin no man shall shoot off a gun while his female partner is having a sexual orgasm.
The only acceptable sexual position in Washington D.C. is the missionary-style position. Any other sexual position is considered illegal. (So this is how they plan on getting Clinton)
In Harrisburg, Pennsylvania there is a law against: having sex with a truck driver in a toll booth. (For a law to have been passed, it must have been a big problem.)
In Willowdale, Oregon it is illegal for a husband talking dirty in his wife's ear during sex. In Clinton,
Oklahoma there is a law against masturbating while watching two people have sex in a car.
In Newcastle, Wyoming it's illegal to have sex in a butcher shop's meat freezer. (So, you can't coldcock her in Newcastle.)
In Alexandria, Minnesota there is a law against a man having sex with his wife with the odor of onions, sardines, or garlic on his breath. In every state in the union there is a law against having sex with a corpse.
In Ames, Iowa there is a law against drinking more than three slugs of beer while lying in bed with a woman.
In Fairbanks, Alaska it is against the law for two moose to have sex on the city sidewalks.
In Kingsville, Texas there is a law against two pigs having sex on Kingsville airport property.

Some phrases are only used when they are untrue.
"I'm not racist, but ..."
"I'm sure I ..."
"I don't want to contradict you..."
"With all due respect"
"Far be it from me ... "
"It goes without saying..."
"... not to mention ..."
"No offence"
"Oh no, I couldn't possibly"
"Oh go on then - just one."
"I shan't make this a long speech."
"Nothing, darling."
"Serves 4"
"I'm no prude, but ..."
"Family planning"
"Network upgrade"
"Care in the community"
"Back in 5 min"
"I'll just put you on hold for a moment."
"Congratulations! You have been specially chosen/selected ..."


Two mathematicians were having dinner in a restaurant, arguing about the average mathematical knowledge of the American public. One mathematician claimed that this average was woefully inadequate, the other maintained that it was surprisingly high. "I'll tell you what," said the cynic, "ask that waitress a simple math question. If she gets it right, I'll pick up dinner. If not, you do." He then excused himself to visit the men's room, and the other called the waitress over. "When my friend comes back," he told her, "I'm going to ask you a question, and I want you to respond `one third x cubed.' There's twenty bucks in it for you." She agreed. The cynic returned from the bathroom and called the waitress over. "The food was wonderful, thank you," the mathematician started. "Incidentally, do you know what the integral of x squared is?" The waitress looked pensive; almost pained. She looked around the room, at her feet, made gurgling noises, and finally said, "Um, one third x cubed?" So the cynic paid the check. The waitress wheeled around, walked a few paces away, looked back at the two men, and muttered: " a constant."
There was an attorney who got home late one evening after a very taxing day trying to get a stay of execution for a client, named Wilbur Wright, who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last minute plea for clemency to the state governor had failed and he was feeling tired and depressed. As soon as he got through the door his wife started on about, "What time of night do you call this? Where the hell have you been?" and so on. Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a very large whisky and headed off to the bathroom for a long hot soak -- pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks. While he was in the bath the phone rang, which the wife answered to be told that her husband's client had been granted his stay of execution after all. Realizing what a day he must have had, she relented a little and went upstairs to give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door she was greeted by the sight of her husband's rear view as he bent naked over the bath cleaning the tub. "They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said, at which the attorney whirled round and screamed hysterically, "For crying out loud woman, don't you ever stop?"
A guy applied to join a nudist club. "Exactly what do you do here?" he asked. "It's quite simple," said the club secretary, "We take off all our clothes and commune with nature." "Cool," said the guy, "...count me in!" So he paid his membership fee, took off his gear and strolled off. As he walked along a path, he saw a big sign which read, "Beware of Gays." A little further along he saw another sign which read the same thing, "Beware of Gays." He continued walking until he came to a small clearing which had a bronze plaque set in the ground. He bent over to read the plaque and it said, "Sorry... You've had two warnings!"
1. Q. What should you do if you see your ex-husband rolling around in pain on the ground? A. Shoot him again.
2. Q. How can you tell when a man is well-hung? A. When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
3. Q. Why do little boys whine? A. Because they're practicing to be men.
4.How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? A. One - he just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him. OR Three - one to screw in the bulb, and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.
5. Q. What do you call a handcuffed man? A. Trustworthy.
6. Q. What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? A. You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
7. Q. Why does it take 100,000,000 sperm to fertilize one egg? A. Because not one will stop and ask directions.
8. Q. Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after mating? A. To stop the snoring before it starts .
9. Q: Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet? A: Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
10. Q: What is the difference between men and women... A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.
11. Q: How does a man keep his youth? A: By giving her money, furs and diamonds.
12. Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? A: Rename the mail folder to "instruction manuals"


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