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Tuesday, March 21, 2006

Shakespeare

What Shakespeare Really Meant

While Shakespeare was a very wise man. But you'd never know it because he used such fancy-schmancy words. Now our crack team of cunning linguists has translated a number of Shakespeare's quotes into modern day English. It's about time we were all able to enjoy the wit and wisdom of this oddly groomed scribe.
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Self-love, my liege, is not so vile a sin, as self-neglecting. Translation: We should masturbate more.
**
The weakest kind of fruit drops earliest to the ground. Translation: Only fight sissies.
**
Great floods have flown from simple sources. Translation: Never have sex with your girlfriend during her period.
**
The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers. Translation: Let's kill all the lawyers. Really.
**
Be to yourself as you would to your friend. Translation: It's OK to sleep with your sister because your friend sure would.
**
Is the jay more precious than the lark because his feathers are more beautiful? Translation: Good-looking strippers get bigger tips.
**
Have patience, and endure. Translation: Use one of those numbing creams if you have to. Or try wearing five condoms at once.
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I can express no kinder sign of love than this kind kiss. Translation: First base is better than striking out altogether.
**
Men at some time are masters of their fate. Translation: Get married and you're screwed.
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They that thrive well take counsel of their friends. Translation: If your drinking buddies say she's really a man, listen to them.
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That man that hath a tongue, I say, is no man, if with his tongue he cannot win a woman. Translation: If you're desperate to impress her, you can always resort to oral sex.
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O, flatter me, for love delights in praises. Translation: Honesty isn't necessarily the best policy when it comes to penis size.
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The course of true love never did run smooth. Translation: When dumping someone, always wear a protective cup.
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I'll note you in my book of memory. Translation: Don't expect me to call the day after.
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Alas, poor world, what treasure hast thou lost. Translation: Lap dances have actually been outlawed in some parts of the country.
**
Love's gentle spring doth always fresh remain. Translation: With a little help from our friends at Massengill, that is.
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Praising what is lost, makes the remembrance dear. Translation: When you're telling your buddies about your conquests, exaggerate. A lot.
**
'Tis better to be brief than tedious. Translation: Nooners rock. **
My endeavors have ever come too short of my desires. Translation: You've never had twins and you never will. Get over it.
**

3 Comments:

At March 21, 2006 4:12 PM, Blogger Patrick Joubert Conlon said...

I enjoyed the Shakespeare.

 
At March 21, 2006 5:58 PM, Blogger Patty said...

Cool Thought I would put up some jokes and see if everyone can catch up. lol.

 
At March 23, 2006 5:04 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

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