Dan: When I was working in New York, I gave this girl $400 to have sex with me.
Bob: What!? You gave a girl $400 for sex?
Dan: Yes I did.
Bob: DAMN, what did she look like?
Dan: She had big t*ts and blonde hair.
Bob: Was it worth it?
Dan: Nope, that's why I stopped payment on the check.
Bob: Are you telling me that you found a girl that would take a check for sex? And on top of that, you stopped payment on the check because it wasn't any good?!
Dan: You betcha.
Bob: Does your wife know about this?
Bob: And just what did she have to say?
Dan: She wasn't very happy about it.
Bob: So what did she do?
Dan: She doesn't let me carry the checkbook anymore.
A husband and wife went to the fairgrounds. The wife wanted to go on the Ferris wheel, but the husband wasn't comfortable with that. So the wife went on the ride by herself. The wheel went round and round and suddenly the wife was thrown out and landed in a heap at her husband's feet. "Are you hurt?" he asked. "Of course I'm hurt!" she replied. "Three times around and you didn't wave once!"
The principal was visiting the kindergarten class, as was his daily habit. The teacher was teaching the children about colors. She asked the class if anyone knew what color one got when one mixed blue and yellow. One kid immediately yelled out, "Green!" The teacher, shocked at the child's quick and correct answer, asked how he knew. The child replied, "My mommy puts this blue stuff into the potty, and when I do a pee pee it turns green."
Eliot was about 3 when he and his dad paid a visit to a local mall. Eliot began to misbehave, so his dad picked him up and proceeded to carry him out of the store. As they made their way to the exit, Eliot yelled out, "Hey mister, put me down." You can guess what they taught Eliot in preschool.
One day a man went golfing. On the fourth tee he was separated from his friends momentarily, and bumped into a passing demon. "Hey," said the demon, "How'd you like to make a hole in one?" "What's the catch?" said the man suspiciously. "It will shorten your sex life by five years," replied the demon. "Hmmm . . . okay," said the man, and went on to make a spectacular shot, a hole in one, just as ordered. On the next tee, he again bumped into the demon. "How'd you like to make it two holes-in-one, back-to-back?" said the demon. "It's only been done five times in the history of golf." "What's the pay back this time?" said the man. "It will shorten your sex life by another twenty years," said the demon. "I guess," agreed the man, and again he made an amazing shot. All his friends were amazed and people were coming from miles around to see the man who had made two holes-in-one in the same game! On the next hole, the man again bumped into the demon, who proposed yet again. "Look, another hole-in-one would mean three in a row. It's never been done in the history of the world! C'mon!" "No problem," said the man, agreeing. "What do I have to give up this time?" "You may never touch a person of the opposite sex ever again for the rest of your life." said the demon. "Okay!" said the man. He went on to make his third consecutive hole-in-one. .And that's how Father Jones got into the Guinness Book of Records!
The businesswoman, in town for an important meeting, checked into her room at the swank hotel and unpacked her bags. Noticing that her best suit had been badly wrinkled during her flight, she telephoned the desk and asked the hotel's valet service to pick it up for pressing. Almost immediately after she hung up the phone, a knock sounded at the door, and there stood an elderly Chinaman, waiting. Impressed by the fast service, the career woman exclaimed, "My, you come lickety-split!" "No, ma'am," replied the elderly Chinaman. "Come to get laundry."
A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?" Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough." The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, "If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"
Doctor: "I'm afraid I have some good news and some bad news, Miss Hottwot." Miss Hottwot: "Well, give me the good news first, Doc." Doctor: "Your lab tests came back today, and your crabs are all gone." Miss Hottwot: Gee, that's great! But what's the bad news?" Doctor: "We don't know what killed them."