A Swiss guy, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Englishmen are waiting. "Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he says. The two Englishmen just stare at him. "Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?" The two continue to stare. "Parlare Italiano?" No response, "Hablan ustedes Espanol?" Still nothing. The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted. The first Englishman turns to the second and says, "Y'know, maybe we should learn a foreign language...." "Why?" says the other, "That bloke knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good."
A blonde, a redhead and a brunette are having a holiday at the North Pole. The blonde's weight is 110 pounds, the red's is 130 pounds, the brunette's is 150 pounds. One day, the three of them are having a trip on a sleigh. Suddenly, they see a polar bear behind them. Quickly, they throw out all the luggage behind them, but this doesn't help....the bear comes closer. They realize that one of the three will have to sacrifice herself so that the 2 others will be able to escape. "You should do it," the blonde says to the brunette. "The bear will need more time to eat you then to eat me or the redhead." "I guess you're right," the brunette says. She jumps out of the sleigh and gets killed by the bear. "Thank God for my brains," the blonde says, but the bear reopens the chase. "Now it's your time, red," the blonde says. "Your weight is bigger than mine." "I guess you're right," the red says and she also jumps out and gets killed. "Thank God for my brains," the blonde says. But still the bear won't stop hunting the sleigh. The blonde really gets mad and she cries out, "You stupid animal!! Just wait a minute!! I'll take my gun and I'll blow you to pieces!!"
GOD THE COMPUTER PROGRAMMER
You know, many important theological questions are answered if we think of God as a Computer Programmer:
Q: Does God control everything that happens in my life?
A: He could, if he used the debugger, but it's tedious to step through all those variables.
Q: Why does God allow evil to happen?
A: God thought he eliminated evil in one of the earlier versions.
Q: What causes God to intervene in earthly affairs?
A: If a critical error occurs, the system pages him automatically and he logs on from home to try to bring it up. Otherwise things can wait until tomorrow.
Q: Did God really create the world in seven days?
A: He did it in six days and nights while living on cola and candy bars. On the seventh day he went home and found out his girlfriend had left him.
Q: How come the Age of Miracles Ended?
A: That was the development phase of the project, now we are in the maintenance phase.
Q: Who is Satan?
A: Satan is a MIS director who takes credit for more powers than he actually possesses, so people who aren't programmers are scared of him. God thinks of him as irritating but irrelevant.
Q: What is the role of sinners?
A: Sinners are the people who find new an imaginative ways to mess up the system when God has made it idiot-proof.
Q: Where will I go after I die?
A: Onto a DAT tape.
Q: Will I be reincarnated?
A: Not unless there is a special need to recreate you. And searching those tar files is a major hassle, so if there is a request for you, God will just say that the tape has been lost.
Q: Am I unique and special in the universe?
A: There are over 10,000 major university and corporate sites running exact duplicates of you in the present release version.
Q: What is the purpose of the universe?
A: God created it because he values elegance and simplicity, but then the users and managers demanded he tack all this senseless stuff onto it and now everything is more complicated and expensive than ever.
Q: If I pray to God, will he listen?
A: You can waste his time telling him what to do, or you can just get off his back and let him program.
Q: What is the one true religion?
A: All systems have their advantages and disadvantages, so just pick the one that best suits your needs and don't let anyone put you down.
Q: How can I protect myself from evil?
A: Change your password every month and don't make it a name, a common word, or a date like your birthday.
Q: Some people claim they hear the voice of God. Is this true?
A: They are much more likely to receive email.
"GOOD OLE TEXAS...
Texans needn't fear O'Sammy Been Lodding or Sodamn Insane. Shucks, they ain't nothing. As a Texan for more than 50 years and an honorably discharged veteran, I'm getting a big laugh over the statements of O'Sammy Been Lodding, Sadam, the Taliban, our politicians and the media. They talk of what to expect from terrorists, but we Texans have lived with greater dangers for years and survived. I'll bet O'Sammy has never seen a Texas tornado that levels homes and peels up the asphalt on the roads. How about hailstones as big as golf balls, or a blue norther that drops the temperature 40 degrees in minutes? O'Sammy has probably seen 100-plus-degree summers in Afghanistan, but I bet he doesn't have fire ants. He and his buddies talk about the pain and suffering they're going to inflict upon us. He doesn't know what pain is until he gets kicked by a green-broke, 2-year-old colt in the dead of winter. You've heard of anthrax. I've been around cattle for years and have never seen a case, but I have seen "mad cow disease." Every old mama cow that we worked, and separated from her calf, got mad. They talk of germ warfare. Texas ticks will give you Rocky Mountain spotted fever and Lyme disease, and our mosquitoes seem to be direct descendants of woodpeckers. We have blister beetles that can kill your horse and green bugs that will destroy a wheat crop. West Texas prairie dogs carry the plague, our armadillos carry leprosy, and skunks carry rabies. Maybe we should send over a few of our varmints and show the Taliban what the word terror really means. Texas has goat-heads, cactus, mesquite, honey locust thorns, bull nettle and poison ivy. Everything that grows in our pastures will either stick you or stab you. I'll bet O'Sammy has never seen a cottonmouth water moccasin, a diamondback rattler or a copperhead. We have squadrons of yellow jackets, bumblebee bombers, and killer bees. Have you ever stepped on a Texas scorpion in your bare feet? O'Sammy talks of gas and biological warfare. He has never pulled in behind a cattle truck while it's raining, or ridden in the cab of a pickup truck between two other cowboys after they've just eaten a big bowl of Texas red. No, O'Sammy, you and all your buddies can't terrorize Texas or Texans. If you think you can, come on over. You will find out right quick why we buy U.S.A. tools made by Ruger, Colt, Remington and Smith & Wesson. We load them with U. S. products made by Winchester, Remington, Speer and Federal. We use these tools on varmints; and for protection. We also buy US tools made by Case, Buck and Schrade. We use these tools to change ornery bulls into calm steers and rank studs into gentle geldings. We call it..."attitude adjustment." We have an abundance of good tools in Texas, and we know how to use them. Texans, and my kinfolk have dealt with your kind for hundreds of years. The fact that I'm here tells me that we can survive. We have posted signs all over the state that say, "Don't Mess With Texas". Consider yourself warned."
A sailor boasted to be able to read any flag signal. He was asked about a beflagged ship near at anchor. "Strange, they say they are on the rocks. It's quarantine. We're surrendering." Then a boat from the ship in distress was lowered and brought some sailors to the pier. They were asked by frightened spectators who had heard the ominous interpretation of the signals by the great expert of flag communication. "What do you mean by your terrible signals?" "Those aren't signals. The crew had a wash day and now they are drying up their underwear."
The soldier was tired and sleepy from a long train ride in a miserable old-day coach. On top of this, two fussy old ladies were keeping him awake with argument about a window. One wanted it closed and the other wanted it open. This fuss finally brought the conductor. "Conductor," said one, "if that window is opened, I'll just freeze to death!" "And if it is kept closed," whined the other, "I'll suffocate." The poor conductor didn't know what to do and finally turned to the GI for help."What would you do, soldier, if it were a military problem?" "In the Army we handle such problems like a double-prong attack. Open the window and freeze one of them, then close it and suffocate the other."
A drunken sailor on liberty got into a big mud puddle in the street and was looking for something there. Soon two other sailors came over and asked him: "Hey, bud, what are you looking for?" "You better give me a hand, men," said the drunk. The new arrivals walked into the puddle too and set about searching something unknown. At last the first drunk got out of the puddle and exclaimed: "I've found it!" "What did you find?" "The shore... ."