A tad late for St. Patrick's Day: During WWII and Irish regiment was moved to the front and prepared for battle. They dug in and awaited an attack. However, the Germans made no move. Paddy got quite impatient, and finally asked his captain what would be a favorite German name. "I'd say Hans," the captain replied. Thereafter, each night Paddy would go up and down the trenches calling out "Hans?" Every so often a German would call out "Jah!" giving away his location, and would get shot. One night a German soldier, completely fed up with this situation, asked his commander the most popular name of an Irishman. "Paddy, I'd say." That night the German soldier made his way up and down the trenches calling "Paddy". Finally a voice called out "That you, Hans?" "Jah," Hans replied, and was promptly shot!
A man walks into a dentist's surgery and says, "Excuse me, can you help me? I think I'm a moth." Dentist: "You don't need a dentist. You need a psychiatrist." Man: "Yes, I know." Dentist: "So why did you come in here?" Man: "The light was on."
A congregant asked his Rabbi, "Rabbi, you're a man of God. So why is it that you are always talking business when I, a businessman, am always talking about spiritual matters when I'm not at work?" "You have discovered one of the principles of human nature," the Rabbi replied. "And what principle is that, Rabbi?" "People like to discuss things they know nothing about."
I'm thinking of starting my own church... the Church of Reluctant Pessimism. For spiritual scofflaws, it'll be sort of a Jehovah's Witness Protection Program: we'll hide you from an angry God, if you've got one.
The husband stood in front of the bathroom mirror, carefully flossing his teeth. "Ooh!" he would sigh every once in a while, or "Aaah!" as the little thread did its work. Suddenly and seemingly without provocation, his wife stomped into the bathroom and gave him a swift kick. Bewildered, the husband demanded, "What was that for?" I'm sorry, " his wife replied stiffly, "but I just don't believe in sighing flossers.
A woman decided to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spends$15,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home,she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, shesays to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old doyou think I am?""About 32," is the reply."Nope! I'm exactly 50", the woman says happily.A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the countergirl the very same question.The girl replies, "I'd guess about 29."The woman replies with a big smile, "Nope, I'm 50."Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drugstore on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter toget some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say around 30."Again she proudly responds, "I'm 50, but thank you!"While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waitingnext to her the same question.He replies, Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, whenI was young, there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was.It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my handsunder your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how oldyou are."They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity got thebest of her. She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead."He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feelaround very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs eachbreast leaving nothing untouched.After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay, okay...Howold am I?"He completes one last squeeze and removes his hands and says,"Madam, you are 50 years old."Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, howcould you tell?"The old man says, "Promise you won't get mad?""I promise, I won't." she says."I was behind you in line at McDonald's."
YOOPER CREATION STORY In the beginning dere was nuttin. Den on da first day God created da Upper Peninsula. On da second day He created da partridge, da deer, da bear, da fish, and da ducks. On da third day He said let dere be Yoopers to roam da Upper Peninsula. On da fourth day He created da udder world down below. On da fifth day He said "Let dere be trolls to live in da world down below." On da sixth day he created da bridge so da trolls would have a way to get to heaven. God saw it was good and on da seventh day He went huntin.
FUN THINGS TO KNOW ABOUT THE U.P.... -
One day it's warm, the rest of the year it's cold.
- People who have say "I have half a mind to go to the U.P." have all the right equipment.
- Nearly 30% of residents in Schoolcraft County in the U.P. are graduates of the sixth grade.
- If you fly a straight line from Sault Ste. Marie to Ironwood, you'll see a lot of trees.
- Dollar Bay in the U.P. was named after the annual salary in the area.
- The U.P. is the supplier of mosquitos to the free world.
- There are two seasons in the U.P. -- Swat and Shovel.
- People in the U.P. wear boots because they are in style
- not because there is snow on the ground.
- Michigan's U.P. was never considered as a site for the state capital; however, it does have a town named Ralph. And remember... "Say ya to da U.P., 'eh?"
A bloke was complaining to his mate a few days after scoring a new woman. "Mate," he said, "This new lady of mine is really weird. All she wants me to do is fuck her in the ear." "That is weird," his mate replied. "Yeah," the bloke continued. "Every time I go to stick my dick in her mouth, she turns her head!"