Trivia & Giggles (R)ated
Q: What's the worst thing about being an atheist?
A: No one to talk to during orgasms.
LATE NIGHT Doug and Bill went out drinking one night and didn't get home until the wee hours. They see each other the next day at work and Bill asks,"Did your wife have much to say when you got home last night?" Doug replies, "No, but that didn't keep her from talking for two hours."
PARKING PLACE A guy was frantically driving down the street in a panic because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking uptoward heaven, he said "Lord, take pity on me. If you find me aparking place, I will go to mass every Sunday for the rest of my life,and not only that, I'll give up tequila." Miraculously, a parking place appeared. The guy looked up again and said, "Never mind. I found one."
IMPOTENT A woman goes to her doctor, complaining that her husband is 300% impotent. The doctor says, "I'm not sure I understand what you mean."She says, "Well, the first 100% you can guess. In addition, he burnedhis tongue and broke his finger."
SCREWDRIVER A screwdriver walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey, we have adrink named after you!" The screwdriver responds, "You have a drink named Murray?"
GOOD GUESS Bessie, 80-years-old, bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!" An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?" Bessie thinks aminute and says, "Close enough."
DIFFERENCES One day, a class of third graders from the city was taking a fieldtrip to the country to visit a small farm. The kids were amazed to seeall the different kinds of animals on the farm. So, the farmer asks one little girl, "What's the difference between a rooster and a hen?""The hen lays eggs," replies the little girl. "Very good," says the farmer. Then the farmer asks another little girl, "What's thedifference between a duck and a turkey?" "Well," replies the littlegirl. "Turkeys can't swim and turkeys are what we have on ThanksgivingDay." "Very good," exclaimed the farmer. Then he asks little Johnny,"Do you know the difference between a bull and a cow?" "Yes, I do,"replies little Johnny from the city. "Bulls smile when you milk them."
PREGNANT PAUSE Brenda, pregnant with her first child, was paying a visit to her obstetrician's office. When the exam was over, she shyly began, "My husband wants me to ask you a question." "I know, I know," the doctor said, placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder. "I get asked all the time. Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy." "No, that's not it atall," Brenda confessed. "He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn."
MISSING WIFE A man calls into the police station and says, "My wife is missing."The officer asks, "How long has she been gone?" "A month," the man replies. "Why did you wait so long to report it?" "Well," says the man, "until yesterday I thought it was just a dream."
* From development to ejaculation, the lifespan of a sperm is about2.5 months.
* Qantas, the Australian airline, stands for Queensland and NorthernTerritories Aerial Service.
* The Backstreet Boys have sold more than 200 million books worldwide.
* For every older brother a man has, his chances of being gay increaseby one-third.
* The Supremes started out as a quartet known as the Primettes.
* A recent survey showed 75% of women made their bed every day, while45% of men do so.
* About a quarter of the world still drives on the left side of the road.
* "Synesthesia" is a rare condition where the human senses arecombined. Synesthetes can "see" words, "taste" colors and shapes, and"feel" flavors.
* It is estimated that around 10% of Americans have picked someoneelse's nose.
* In Italy, a man can be arrested if he wears a skirt in public.
* Hugh Hefner had ancestors on the Mayflower.
* At various times, Casanova was employed as a clergyman, secretary,soldier and violinist.
Ways to Tell Someone They Have a Hygiene
Problem Begin speaking to them in French. Ask if they have another piece of "that ass-flavored gum."
"Waste Management Magazine called; they're looking for a centerfold."
"Captain Hazelwood is under investigation for the condition of your hair."
"I bet dogs love rolling in you."
Remember that Police video with all the candles? Re-create that in their cubicle, but instead of candles, use air fresheners.
Give her/him a necklace of little pine trees.
Report all the dead canaries and let PETA handle it.
"Which word didn't you understand: lather, rinse, or repeat?"
By phone or e-mail.
When Felix, the regional sales manager for a machine tools company, got home from the office, his wife couldn't help noticing that his tie was loose, his fly unzipped, his hair dishevelled, he smelled of perfume, and his collar was covered with lipstick. "Rough day at the office?" she commented. "Not too bad," he said non chalantly. "Had to break in a new sales associate, but I think she'll work out." "Does she take shorthand?" asked his wife. "No," blurted Felix, "but she gives it."
A teacher asked one of the boys in her class, "Can people predict the future with cards?" His response was, "My mother can." The teacher replied, "Really?" The young boy was quick to explain, " Yes, she takes one look at my report card and tells me what will happen when my father gets home."
Teacher: Alfred, how can one person make so many mistakes in one day?
Alfred: I get up early.
Hygiene Teacher: How can you prevent diseases caused by biting insects?
Jose: Don't bite any.
Gary: I don't think I deserve a zero on this test.
Teacher: I agree, but it's the lowest mark I can give you.
Sylvia: Dad, can you write in the dark?
Father: I think so. What do you want me to write?
Sylvia: Your name on this report card.
Teacher: Bob, I hope I didn't see you looking at Don's paper.
Bob: I hope you didn't either.
Mother: Why did you get such a low mark on that test?
Junior: Because of absence.
Mother: You mean you were absent on the day of the test?
Junior: No, but the kid who sits next to me was.
Teacher: Well, at least there's one thing I can say about your son.
Father: What's that?
Teacher: With grades like these, he couldn't be cheating.
1. The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.
2. Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail.
3. If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably don't have any sense at all.
4. Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.
5. A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.
6. How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?
7. Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.
8. Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?
9. Scratch a dog and you'll find a permanent job.
10. No one has more driving ambition than the boy who wants to buy a car.
11. There are no new sins; the old ones just get more publicity.
12. There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 AM. It could be a right number.
13. Think about this..., No one ever says "It's only a game." when his team is winning.
14. I've reached the age where the happy hour is a nap
15. Be careful reading the fine print. There's no way you're going to like it.
16. The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.
17. Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos? (And RAP music will be the Golden Oldies!)
18. Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than in a Yugo.
19. After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead.
There were two men who played golf together frequently. One was several strokes better than the other. The lesser player was very proud, and never wanted to take any strokes to even up the game. One Saturday morning, he shows up with a gorilla at the first tee. He says to his friend, "I've been trying to beat you for so long that I'm about ready to give up. But, I heard about this golfing gorilla, and I was wondering if it would be alright if he plays for me today. In fact if you're game, I'd like to try to get back all the money I've lost to you this year. I figure comes to about a thousand bucks. Are you willing?" The other guy thought about it for a minute, and then decided to play the gorilla. "After all, how good could a gorilla be at golf?" he thought. Well, the first hole was a straightaway par 4 of 450 yards. The guy hits a beautiful tee shot, 275 yards down the middle, leaving himself a 6 iron to the green. The gorilla takes a few powerful practice swings and then laces the ball 450 yards, right at the pin, stopping about 6 inches away from the hole. The guy turns to his friend and says "That's incredible, I would have never believed it if I hadn't seen it with my own eyes. But, you know what, I've seen enough. I've got no interest in being totally humiliated by this gorilla golfing machine. You send this gorilla back to where he comes from. I need a drink, better make it a double, and I'll write you a check." After handing over the check, and well into his second double the guy asks, "By the way, how's that gorilla's putting?" The other guy replies, "Same as his driving." "That good, huh?" "No, I mean, he hits putts the same way - 450 yards, right down the middle!"
John had a new dog, but he didn't want to deal with puppies so he got her fixed. However, some how the gal still got pregnant, and even had identical twins! The media loved it and soon she was a celebrity. John wrote a book about her entitled, "Two Dachshunds in One: A Spayed Oddity".
Q: What did the grandfather do when the truck got old?
A: He retired it.
A girl was visiting her blonde friend who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?" "HelOOOooo," answered the blonde. "They're watch dogs."
The Top 15 Complaints of Modern Day Vampires
15 Grunge look makes it tough to tell living from the undead.
14 Nutrasweet or not, fat-free blood tastes like crap.
13 Hard to get a decent puncture with latex on your fangs.
12 Three Words: Daylight Savings Time
11 Can't enjoy a meal at Burger King without some redneck yelling, "Look Ma! It's Elvis!"
10 After 45 years of Communist rule, it's impossible to find clean, uncontaminated Transylvanian soil for bottom of coffin.
9 After 100 years of trying, still can't score with Elvira.
8 No bat is safe with Ozzy Ozbourne around.
7 With all those crucifix-wearing Madonna clones, junior highs are suddenly off-limits.
6 No warm blood for miles around DC.
5 Exhausted from all those Calvin Klein photo shoots.
4 No small task beating F. Lee Bailey to a warm body.
3 Buxom wenches of old have been replaced by aerobicized "hardbodies."
2 Baboon heart makes everything taste gamey.
and the Number 1 Complaint of Modern Day Vampires...
1 Sick and tired of being mistaken for Keith Richards.
Amanpreet heard a rumor that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all walked on water on their 21st birthdays. So, on his 21st birthday, Amanpreet his good friend Brian headed out to the lake. "If they did it, I can too!" he insisted. When Amanpreet and Brian arrived at the lake, they rented a boat and began paddling. When the got to the middle of the lake, Amanpreet stepped off of the side of the boat... and nearly drowned. Furious and somewhat shamed, he and Brian headed for home. When Amanpreet arrived back at the family farm, he asked his grandmother for an explanation. "Grandma, why can I not walk on water like my father, and his father, and his father before him?" The feeble old grandmother took Amanpreet by the hands, looked into his eyes, and explained, "That's because your father, grandfather, and great-grandfather were born in January... you were born in July, dear."
Donald was convinced that he is a mouse! All his family and friends were trying to convince him otherwise, but to no avail. So the final option was to take him to a psychologist. The doctor and Donald spent a bit over a year on the treatment, 12 hours a day, 7 days a week. Finally one day: Doctor: What are you, my son? Donald: I am a man, Doc. Doctor: So you not a mouse? Donald: A mouse? Ha! Ha! Ha! No way, Doc. I am human! Everybody along with the psychologist went out that night for a party to celebrate this great achievement. On the way to the bar, Donald sees a cat on the street. He gets all scared and hides behind the car. Doctor: Oh my God Donald! Don't you know that you are not a mouse? Donald: Yes Doc. I know I am not a mouse. But does the kitty know I am not a mouse too?
An account executive at a stock-and-bond firm telephoned an elderly Jewish woman client who had purchased her first stock -- one hundred shares of Proctor & Gamble. He told her that he had just heard they were going to split. "Oy! Vat a shame." she lamented. "I'm so sorry to hear that. And, they've been together for so long too."
A little compact car smashed into the rear of Cohen's Cadillac as he made a left turn. The driver of the little car was furious. "Why didn't you put out your hand?" he demanded. "What's the point?" shrugged Cohen. "If you can't see my Cadillac, how could you see my hand?"
Three people were trying to get into heaven. Peter asked the first, "Who's there?" "It's me, Albert Jones," the voice replied. St. Peter let him in. Then St. Peter asked the second one the second same question, "Who's there?" "It's me, Charlie Jones." And St. Peter let him in. Finally he turns to the third, asking the same question, "Who's there?" "It is I, Verla Chapman," answered the third. "Oh, great," muttered St. Peter. "Another one of those English teachers."