The president sends congrats on your baby
Weird Fact Benjamin Franklin invented the rocking chair.
Nearing the parish church during his daily walk, a young man saw that some shrubbery was on fire. He banged on the rectory door and told the woman who opened it to call the fire department. She ran to the phone, and he heard her place the call. She identified herself, gave the location, and explained the situation. "You mean to tell me," said the emergency dispatcher, "that there's a burning bush on the church lawn, and you want to put it out?"
The doctor explained to Jenkins that he had a serious ailment for which an operation was absolutely imperative. The patient turned pale and asked, "Isn't it very dangerous?" "Yes," the doctor replied. "Five out of six who undergo this operation die, but as for you, you have nothing to worry about." "Why not?" eagerly inquired the patient. "Well, you're sure to recover because my last five patients died," the doctor reassured him.
Teams of Indian and Jamaican students from the English "public school" Harrows came over to France to help save the windows. They stored them in a barn, under dried cornstalks. Yes, that's right by Harrows colored classes used arroz-colored grasses to cover rose colored glasses.
A nearsighted minister glanced at the note that Mrs. Jones had sent to him by an usher. The note read: "Bill Jones having gone to sea, his wife desires the prayers of the congregation for his safety." Failing to observe the punctuation, he startled his audience by announcing: "Bill Jones, having gone to see his wife, desires the prayers of the congregation for his safety."
This had to be written by a man and I am thinking of composing one with 20 ways.... What do you think ladies contributions anyone?
THE 17 WAYS WOMEN FAIL IN BED:
1. MILKING IT: When stroking a guy's dick don't grab it like a bus rail and start jerking it like you were milking a cow. Don't use the love sword as if it's a piece of gym equipment to strengthen the forearms. The male organ is a thing of wonder and beauty, and should be awed, worshiped and held tenderly at all times. The sensitive part is at the top (where your face should be), not two thirds of the way down.
2. ROBOTS: When sucking a guy's dick don't just get on the end of the thing and jam your head back and forward. It's a beautiful instrument; it should be caressed, inspected, kissed and licked from every possible angle.
3. SILENT FRIGHT: If you've come and cannot be coerced to scream to show your appreciation, at least make some sort of sign to inform the guy that he's done his duty and can blow his biscuits whenever he wants.
4. NO LAUGHING MATTER: Don't laugh if your creative male lover gets carried away and says things like, "Ride my hard cock you filthy cock sucking slut" or "I want to rinse your mouth with my fresh, white love potion." Laughter at any aspect of the male performance will not enhance it. Just be grateful you've got a guy who can speak whole sentences.
5. CLOSING UP: If a man is willing to take the trouble to come on your face, don't close your eyes. He wants you to share this ecstatic moment of joyful union and love with him. Semen is not likely to cause permanent blindness in most cases but this is a risk you should be prepared to take for his happiness.
6. POOR PRESENTATION: Presentation is all important. Don't wait to be asked to get it doggy style. Roll over and present. You know you love it.
7. HANGING AROUND: When he is done, you should not kiss and cuddle, he does not want to touch you. You should leave the bed and leave him in peace. If you are a one night stand you should leave the premises without thieving anything or asking for a phone number. His work is done.
8. BEING SHY: Always offer the Hershey Highway. You know you love it. If you don't like it that much, still offer it as you can quite easily play with yourself as he rams away.
9. BEING A DRIP: You always have tissues in your bag, use them to clean his sheets and any ball bag drippage if you have misbehaved and not swallowed everything.
10. CLOCK WATCHING: Never, ever, ever, ever even think of saying: "Are you going to come soon?" If you're doing a blowie, you'd have to take your mouth off to utter the question. If you're giving a hand job, you should have gone to the gym to work your biceps. If he's shagging you and takes more than 10 minutes you should be grateful. This is not a time trial but a blissful act of union between two sexually aware and gifted human beings.
11. FISHING FOR COMPLIMENTS: Don't ask him if you're the best lover he's ever had. Most men have had so many sexual partners that it is unlikely that you are. Please don't ask a man to lie about such an important thing.
12. PLAYING DEAD: Don't just lie there, do something. Good sex is not a spectator sport and it helps if both parties move around a bit. I know you expect the men to do all the hard and skillful work. We don't mind that and we're blessed with the equipment and know how to do it but at least put some effort into the act to show your appreciation.
13. BEING POSSESSIVE: If you are lucky to have an imaginative lover who can satisfy two women at a time don't sneer at or reject his exciting suggestion that one of your friends joins you to make up a threesome. If he's a real man he's probably shagging her anyway. Plus you might learn something from her to keep your man really happy.
14. NOT KEEPING YOUR HAIR ON: Don't shave all your pubic hair off. It makes your pussy look like a piece of poultry past its sell-by date. At best, it looks like the snatch of a ten-year-old. If you want to trim, go for a nice sexy racing stripe in the manner favored by the Playboy models that your man would rather be shagging.
15. SPITTING IT OUT: When a man has gone to so much trouble to ejaculate and get his aim right into your mouth, it is rude to spit it out without savoring the taste and gluey texture. You should play with semen like a block of Hubba Bubba, blowing bubbles, chewing and throwing from side to side. A line like "I love it when you come in my mouth" makes for a happy finale to fun and games.
16. BEING UNGRATEFUL: Never forget to thank a man for all the effort and energy he has expended on making love to you - especially if A) sex has lasted more than five minutes and/or B) you managed to achieve an orgasm. A man's role in sex is far more demanding than a woman's so it is always nice when one's prowess is appreciated.
17. SEEKING FAVORS: Never contemplate taking advantage of your man's warm after sex glow to seek favors or make requests. As he drops off into well deserved slumber, resist the urge to ask, "Do you think I should buy that dress, skirt, sofa, Mercedes, country cottage?" There is a name for the practice of mixing sex and business. It's called whoring.
A couple was watching a Discovery Channel special about an African bush tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long. When males reach a certain age, a string is tied around the penis and on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 24 inches. Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked down at him and said, "How about we try the African string-and-weight procedure?" The husband agreed and they tied a string and weight to his penis. A few days later, the wife asked the husband, "How is our little tribal experiment coming along?" "Well, it looks like we're about half way there," he replied. "Wow, you've grown to 12 inches??" "No...it's turned black."
Little Johnny is visiting his cousin in the country and they decide to go for a walk down the back roads. After about three miles they find a used rubber lying by the road. "Hey," Little Johnny, the dumbass city boys says, "look, some cow lost one of its titties!" "Let's go give it to the farmer!" says his cousin. So, they work they way up to the farmhouse. They knock on the door and out comes the farmer. "Hey, Mister, we found a cow titty. Ya want it back?" says Little Johnny. The farmer didn't feel like conducting a mini sex ed seminar, said, "Sure, uhhh, here's a dollar for your trouble." Little Johnny hands over the rubber and head on back down the road. After a little while Little Johnny says "You know, I bet we could have got more than a buck if I hadn't drank the milk out of it!"
Bill's friend Harry went into a nightclub and saw a gorgeous honey sitting by herself at the bar, so he asked her to dance. She agreed and they took to the dance floor for a slow one. While they were cheek to cheek, Harry said, "You really smell terrific. What's that you have on?" The flattered girl told him it was Channel #5. Then wanting to return the compliment, she said, "You smell good, too. What is it that you have on?" Honest Harry replied: "Well, I've got a hard on, but I didn't think you could smell it."