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Monday, April 17, 2006

As the Kids Say Whatever


+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
A friend was complaining that her boyfriend would not say "I love you," even if explicitly asked to do so. The only exception, she said, was when they were in fact in the act of making love. Then, if asked, he would say the sacred words. I suggested that she should not take too much comfort in the exception. When making love, I explained, men will say anything. "He'd tell you he's the Easter Bunny if that's what he thinks you want to hear," I told her. The conversation rattled on from there. A couple of weeks later, she related the following. "We were in bed, making love and I said, 'Tell me you love me'." He said, "I love you." I said, "Tell me you're the Easter Bunny." He stopped for a second, and said, "I'm the Easter Bunny." "So I slapped him." The poor guy probably still doesn't know what happened.
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
2 convicts were recently released from prison as they stood at the bus stop waiting one ex-con turns to the other and says 'man i'm horny' the other ex-con replies 'yea me too' the first ex-con tells the second 'well hey man we've been locked up for awhile and we know how it works. how about you let me do you and then you can do me?' the second ex-con agrees, pulls down his pants and the first ex-con sodomizes him. so then it's the other's turn, and as he starts to mount his fellow ex-con he starts kissing the back of his neck and gently rubbing his back... when suddenly the bent over ex-con looks back and says 'hey man none of that fag shit'
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
Q. What do you call kids born in whorehouses?
A. Brothel sprouts.
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
Two soldiers are late returning from their leave, and now they're standing before their sergeant: "How could you be late for two whole hours? What if a war broke out?" "Well, comrade Sergeant, we went to the opera and we just got carried away with the performance." "Opera?!" the sergeant exclaims. "I can only imagine how drunk you were to end up in the opera!"
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
A teacher in a rather backward, rural area attempted to broaden the outlook of her class. She asked the students to write an essay on his views of foreigners. All turned in more or less acceptable pieces except for little Billy, whose essay, in full, was "All foreigners are bastards." The shocked teacher made no direct comment but devoted her next lecture to a description of Greek architecture, Roman law, English drama, German music, Italian poetry, Russian novels, Chinese philosophy and African sculpture. She then asked the class to write another essay on foreigners. When she finally got little Billy's paper it said, in full, "All foreigners are bastards. Some are clever bastards."
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
Solidarity
"Mommy, why are you putting out the flag?" "For solidarity, honey."
"What is solidarity, Mom?"
"We are all standing together, and being strong as one."
"Oh. Mommy, why are you giving blood?"
"For solidarity. We need to stand together and help each other."
"Oh. Mommy, why are putting the flag on your car?"
"For solidarity, honey. We all have to know that we are together and love each other." "Oh. Mommy, why are we lighting these candles?"
"For solidarity. We have to remember and love those that were lost."
"Oh. Mommy, what is solidarity?"
"No one FUCKS with Americans."
"Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh."
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
A guy meets a childhood pal. "What are you doing for yourself these days?" "I'm a fireman," his old friend replies. "Yeah? My 15-year-old kid wants to be a fireman," says the guy. "Well," says his friend, "if you want some good advice, you've got to install a pole in your house that will go to the basement so your kid can practice, because the hardest thing for a fireman is to jump off into space and catch that pole in the middle of the night." Ten years later, the two guys happen to meet again. "Well, did your son become a fireman?" "No," moans the guy, "but my daughter is a stripper."
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
There will be a few changes in the annual White House Easter Egg Roll this year:
1) Children will be screened for hidden weapons
2) All children must sign a loyalty oath
3) Children will be pre-recruited for the National Guard
(by Uncle Rummy in a bunny costume)

+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Sign seen on a vending machine in the men's room: "Don't buy this gum. It tastes like rubber."
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
Q: What do you call nuts on a wall?
A: Walnuts
Q: What do you call nuts on a chest?
A: Chestnuts
Q: What do you call nuts on a chin?
A: Blowjob
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Euphemisms For Impotence
1- A few parts shy of an erector set
2- Not rising to the level of impeachable offense
3- Disappointing Miss Daisy
4- Ascension Deficit Disorder
5- Bouncing the Check of Love
6- All Doled up with nowhere to go
7- Serving boneless pork
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
Husband, upon meeting ex- after two years of separation: "Listen honey, why don't we have a few drinks, dinner, go to my apartment and really make love?" Ex-: "Over my dead body!" Husband: "Great! But I see you haven't changed one bit"
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
A woman enrolled in nursing school was attending an anatomy class. The subject of the day was involuntary muscles. The instructor, hoping to perk up the students a bit, asked the woman "Do you know what your asshole does when you're having an orgasm?"
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
"Sure" she said. "He's at home, taking care of the kids" What did Ted Kennedy say to Mary Jo Koepkne when she asked him if he was going to leave his wife and live with her? "We'll cross that bridge when we come to it..."
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
What is a new definitions of amnesia? It's a condition that allows a woman, who has been through childbirth, to have sex again. They don't call it labor for nothing!
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
A man walks into a pharmacy and asks for a pack of condoms. As soon as he has paid for them, he starts laughing and walks out. The next day, the same performance, with the man walking out laughing,fit to bust. The pharmacist thinks this odd and asks his assistant, if the man returns, to follow him. Sure enough, he comes into the store the next day, repeating his actions once more. The assistant duly follows. Half an hour later, he returns. "So did you follow him?" "I did." "And...where did he go?"
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#

Woman goes into a bar with a duck under her arm. Bartender says what'll the pig have." The woman says, "that's not a pig, that's a duck!". "I know," says the bartender, "I was talking to the duck."
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Ode to Alcohol Starkle, starkle, little twink,
Who the hell you are I think,
I'm not under what they call
The alcofluence of incohol.
I'm not drunk as thinkle peep,
I'm just a little slort of sheep.
Tee martoonis make a guy
Fool so feelish, don't know why
Rally don't know who's me yet
The drunker I stay the longer I get
So just one more to full my cup,
I've all day sober to Sunday up.
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
Weird Fact :
Albert Einstein was offered the presidency of Israel in 1952, but he declined.
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+

When I lived in an apartment complex, a good friend of mine lived there also and decided it was time for her to get a boob job. Since I'd been through it, she asked me to go with her. Everything went well, and that summer we were both at the pool getting some sun. One of the regular guys in our group, who'd had his eye on my girlfriend for some time, said to me, "There's something different about your friend this year, but I can't quite put my finger on it." After I finished laughing, I said, "And you probably never will either!"
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Pickup lines and rebuttals...
Man: "Is this seat empty?"
Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.
" Man: "So, wanna go back to my place?"
Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
Washroom Graffiti 9
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
On the inside of a toilet door:
Patrons are requested to remain seated
throughout the entire performance.

+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
The wedding was approaching. Because of her love for Gauguin, they
would spend a week in Tahiti for their honeymoon and she had
purchased the ideal garment for the trip. However, when she tried it
on to show her bridesmaids, she immediately broke out in a horrible
rash over her whole body. She removed the outfit and was taken to her
physician who prescribed steroids to hopefully clear the rash.
However as the wedding date approached the rash showed no signs of
clearing and the wedding had to be postponed. This story has been
immortalized in the lyrics of a familiar song. What are those lyrics?
The sarong is ended but the malady lingers on.
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
In promulgating your esoteric cogitations or articulating your
superficial sentimentalities, and amicable philosophical or
psychological observations, beware of platitudinous ponderosity. Let
your conversational communications possess a compacted conciseness, a
clarified comprehensibility, a coalescent cogency, and a concatenated
consistency. Eschew obfuscation and all conglomeration of flatulent
garrulity, jejune babblement, and asinine affectations. Let your
extemporaneous descantings and unpremeditated expatiations have
intelligibility and voracious vivacity without rodomontade or
thrasonical bombast. Sedulously avoid all polysyllabic profundity,
pompous prolificacy, and vain vapid verbosity. In short: "Be brief
and don't use big words."
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
A friend of ours just moved to the West Coast where he leased a
condominium. He's quite an adventurous cook and to commemorate his
move, he developed a new recipe for a spicy rice dish. He named it,
"condo leaser rice."
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
Six Classic Affairs
The 1st Affair A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM. The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. He put on his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" his wife demanded. "I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon." She looked down at his shoes and said: "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"
The 2nd Affair A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen. He told his wife: "There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?" The wife smiled sweetly and replied: "Not this time!"
The 3rd Affair A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz,about to be cremated and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen! "I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented, "I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity." So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home "I have something to show you won't believe," he said to his wife, opening his briefcase. "My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead!"
The 4th Affair A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner." She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you," she said, " pretend you're a statue." "What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh it's a statue," she replied, "the Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too." No more was said, not even when they went to bed. Around 2 AM the husband got up,went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer. "Here," he said to the statue, have this.I stood like that for two days at t he Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing."

The 5th Affair A man walked into a cafe,went to the bar and ordered a beer. "Certainly, Sir , that'll be one cent." "One Cent?" the man exclaimed. He glanced at the menu and asked: "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?" "A nickel," the barman replied. "A nickel?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?" The bartender replied: "Upstairs, with my wife." The man asked: "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?" The bartender replied: "The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."
The 6th Affair Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly: "I have something I must confess." "There's no need to, " his wife replied. "No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!" "I know," she replied, " now just rest and let the poison work."
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Three blondes died and are at the pearly gates of heaven. St. Peter tells them that they can enter the gates if they can answer one simple question. St. Peter asks the first blonde, "What is Easter?" The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy! It's the holiday in November when everyone gets together, eats turkey, and are thankful and stuff..." "Wrong!," replies St. Peter, and proceeds to ask the second blonde the same question, "What is Easter?" The second blonde replies, "Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and drink eggnog." St. Peter looks at the second blonde, shakes his head in disgust, tells her she's wrong, and then peers over his glasses at the third blonde and asks, "What is Easter?" The third blonde smiles confidently and looks St. Peter in the eyes, "I know what Easter is." "Oh?" says St. Peter, incredulously. "Easter is the Christian holiday, that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper. Then the Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder." St. Peter smiles broadly with delight. Then the third blonde continues, "Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out...and, if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter."
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
Pauly's family is at dinner, the 10-year-old daughter isn't eating much, and she just keeps her head down... After a few minutes, she says, "I have something to tell you." Everyone gets silent and they all listen. "I am no longer the virgin I used to be." And she begins to cry. A long silence, and Pauly speaks to MrsPauly: "It's your fault, you know, always dressed and made up like a tramp. You think that's an example for your daughter? Always wallowing on the sofa; it's just terrible; that's why problems like this come up! Then MrsPauly lights in on Pauly: "And YOU! Do you think that you're a good example? Wasting your scrawny paycheck with your drinking buddies who even come drunk into the house--do you think that's a good example for a little girl 10 years old?" Then Pauly charges back in: "And her sister, that no-good, with her hairy and dope-crazed boyfriend, always with their hands all over each other and screwing in every room in the house--you think that's a good example too?" And it goes on and on, back and forth. Then the grandmother hugs the little girl to console her and asks, "Now, darling, how did this happen? And the little girl answers, trying to hold back her sobbing: "Father Michael chose another girl to be the Virgin in the Christmas pageant this year."
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
A friend was complaining that her boyfriend would not say "I love you," even if explicitly asked to do so. The only exception, she said, was when they were in fact in the act of making love. Then, if asked, he would say the sacred words. I suggested that she should not take too much comfort in the exception. When making love, I explained, men will say anything. "He'd tell you he's the Easter Bunny if that's what he thinks you want to hear," I told her. The conversation rattled on from there. A couple of weeks later, she related the following. "We were in bed, making love and I said, 'Tell me you love me'." He said, "I love you." I said, "Tell me you're the Easter Bunny." He stopped for a second, and said, "I'm the Easter Bunny." "So I slapped him." The poor guy probably still doesn't know what happened.
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
2 convicts were recently released from prison as they stood at the bus stop waiting one ex-con turns to the other and says 'man i'm horny' the other ex-con replies 'yea me too' the first ex-con tells the second 'well hey man we've been locked up for awhile and we know how it works. how about you let me do you and then you can do me?' the second ex-con agrees, pulls down his pants and the first ex-con sodomizes him. so then it's the other's turn, and as he starts to mount his fellow ex-con he starts kissing the back of his neck and gently rubbing his back... when suddenly the bent over ex-con looks back and says 'hey man none of that fag shit'
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
Q. What do you call kids born in whorehouses?
A. Brothel sprouts.
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
Two soldiers are late returning from their leave, and now they're standing before their sergeant: "How could you be late for two whole hours? What if a war broke out?" "Well, comrade Sergeant, we went to the opera and we just got carried away with the performance." "Opera?!" the sergeant exclaims. "I can only imagine how drunk you were to end up in the opera!"
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
A teacher in a rather backward, rural area attempted to broaden the outlook of her class. She asked the students to write an essay on his views of foreigners. All turned in more or less acceptable pieces except for little Billy, whose essay, in full, was "All foreigners are bastards." The shocked teacher made no direct comment but devoted her next lecture to a description of Greek architecture, Roman law, English drama, German music, Italian poetry, Russian novels, Chinese philosophy and African sculpture. She then asked the class to write another essay on foreigners. When she finally got little Billy's paper it said, in full, "All foreigners are bastards. Some are clever bastards."
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
Solidarity
"Mommy, why are you putting out the flag?" "For solidarity, honey."
"What is solidarity, Mom?"
"We are all standing together, and being strong as one."
"Oh. Mommy, why are you giving blood?"
"For solidarity. We need to stand together and help each other."
"Oh. Mommy, why are putting the flag on your car?"
"For solidarity, honey. We all have to know that we are together and love each other." "Oh. Mommy, why are we lighting these candles?"
"For solidarity. We have to remember and love those that were lost."
"Oh. Mommy, what is solidarity?"
"No one FUCKS with Americans."
"Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh."
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
A guy meets a childhood pal. "What are you doing for yourself these days?" "I'm a fireman," his old friend replies. "Yeah? My 15-year-old kid wants to be a fireman," says the guy. "Well," says his friend, "if you want some good advice, you've got to install a pole in your house that will go to the basement so your kid can practice, because the hardest thing for a fireman is to jump off into space and catch that pole in the middle of the night." Ten years later, the two guys happen to meet again. "Well, did your son become a fireman?" "No," moans the guy, "but my daughter is a stripper."
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
There will be a few changes in the annual White House Easter Egg Roll this year:
1) Children will be screened for hidden weapons
2) All children must sign a loyalty oath
3) Children will be pre-recruited for the National Guard
(by Uncle Rummy in a bunny costume)

+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Sign seen on a vending machine in the men's room: "Don't buy this gum. It tastes like rubber."
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
Q: What do you call nuts on a wall?
A: Walnuts
Q: What do you call nuts on a chest?
A: Chestnuts
Q: What do you call nuts on a chin?
A: Blowjob
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Euphemisms For Impotence
1- A few parts shy of an erector set
2- Not rising to the level of impeachable offense
3- Disappointing Miss Daisy
4- Ascension Deficit Disorder
5- Bouncing the Check of Love
6- All Doled up with nowhere to go
7- Serving boneless pork
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
Husband, upon meeting ex- after two years of separation: "Listen honey, why don't we have a few drinks, dinner, go to my apartment and really make love?" Ex-: "Over my dead body!" Husband: "Great! But I see you haven't changed one bit"
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
A woman enrolled in nursing school was attending an anatomy class. The subject of the day was involuntary muscles. The instructor, hoping to perk up the students a bit, asked the woman "Do you know what your asshole does when you're having an orgasm?"
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
"Sure" she said. "He's at home, taking care of the kids" What did Ted Kennedy say to Mary Jo Koepkne when she asked him if he was going to leave his wife and live with her? "We'll cross that bridge when we come to it..."
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
What is a new definitions of amnesia? It's a condition that allows a woman, who has been through childbirth, to have sex again. They don't call it labor for nothing!
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
A man walks into a pharmacy and asks for a pack of condoms. As soon as he has paid for them, he starts laughing and walks out. The next day, the same performance, with the man walking out laughing,fit to bust. The pharmacist thinks this odd and asks his assistant, if the man returns, to follow him. Sure enough, he comes into the store the next day, repeating his actions once more. The assistant duly follows. Half an hour later, he returns. "So did you follow him?" "I did." "And...where did he go?"
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#

Woman goes into a bar with a duck under her arm. Bartender says what'll the pig have." The woman says, "that's not a pig, that's a duck!". "I know," says the bartender, "I was talking to the duck."
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Ode to Alcohol Starkle, starkle, little twink,
Who the hell you are I think,
I'm not under what they call
The alcofluence of incohol.
I'm not drunk as thinkle peep,
I'm just a little slort of sheep.
Tee martoonis make a guy
Fool so feelish, don't know why
Rally don't know who's me yet
The drunker I stay the longer I get
So just one more to full my cup,
I've all day sober to Sunday up.
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
Weird Fact :
Albert Einstein was offered the presidency of Israel in 1952, but he declined.
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+ ~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
When I lived in an apartment complex, a good friend of mine lived there also and decided it was time for her to get a boob job. Since I'd been through it, she asked me to go with her. Everything went well, and that summer we were both at the pool getting some sun. One of the regular guys in our group, who'd had his eye on my girlfriend for some time, said to me, "There's something different about your friend this year, but I can't quite put my finger on it." After I finished laughing, I said, "And you probably never will either!"
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Pickup lines and rebuttals...
Man: "Is this seat empty?"
Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.
" Man: "So, wanna go back to my place?"
Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
Washroom Graffiti 9
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
On the inside of a toilet door:
Patrons are requested to remain seated
throughout the entire performance.

+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
The wedding was approaching. Because of her love for Gauguin, they
would spend a week in Tahiti for their honeymoon and she had
purchased the ideal garment for the trip. However, when she tried it
on to show her bridesmaids, she immediately broke out in a horrible
rash over her whole body. She removed the outfit and was taken to her
physician who prescribed steroids to hopefully clear the rash.
However as the wedding date approached the rash showed no signs of
clearing and the wedding had to be postponed. This story has been
immortalized in the lyrics of a familiar song. What are those lyrics?
The sarong is ended but the malady lingers on.
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
In promulgating your esoteric cogitations or articulating your
superficial sentimentalities, and amicable philosophical or
psychological observations, beware of platitudinous ponderosity. Let
your conversational communications possess a compacted conciseness, a
clarified comprehensibility, a coalescent cogency, and a concatenated
consistency. Eschew obfuscation and all conglomeration of flatulent
garrulity, jejune babblement, and asinine affectations. Let your
extemporaneous descantings and unpremeditated expatiations have
intelligibility and voracious vivacity without rodomontade or
thrasonical bombast. Sedulously avoid all polysyllabic profundity,
pompous prolificacy, and vain vapid verbosity. In short: "Be brief
and don't use big words."
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
A friend of ours just moved to the West Coast where he leased a
condominium. He's quite an adventurous cook and to commemorate his
move, he developed a new recipe for a spicy rice dish. He named it,
"condo leaser rice."
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
Six Classic Affairs
The 1st Affair A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM. The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. He put on his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" his wife demanded. "I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon." She looked down at his shoes and said: "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"
The 2nd Affair A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen. He told his wife: "There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?" The wife smiled sweetly and replied: "Not this time!"
The 3rd Affair A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz,about to be cremated and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen! "I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented, "I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity." So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home "I have something to show you won't believe," he said to his wife, opening his briefcase. "My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead!"
The 4th Affair A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner." She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you," she said, " pretend you're a statue." "What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh it's a statue," she replied, "the Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too." No more was said, not even when they went to bed. Around 2 AM the husband got up,went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer. "Here," he said to the statue, have this.I stood like that for two days at t he Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing."

The 5th Affair A man walked into a cafe,went to the bar and ordered a beer. "Certainly, Sir , that'll be one cent." "One Cent?" the man exclaimed. He glanced at the menu and asked: "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?" "A nickel," the barman replied. "A nickel?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?" The bartender replied: "Upstairs, with my wife." The man asked: "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?" The bartender replied: "The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."
The 6th Affair Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly: "I have something I must confess." "There's no need to, " his wife replied. "No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!" "I know," she replied, " now just rest and let the poison work."
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Three blondes died and are at the pearly gates of heaven. St. Peter tells them that they can enter the gates if they can answer one simple question. St. Peter asks the first blonde, "What is Easter?" The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy! It's the holiday in November when everyone gets together, eats turkey, and are thankful and stuff..." "Wrong!," replies St. Peter, and proceeds to ask the second blonde the same question, "What is Easter?" The second blonde replies, "Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and drink eggnog." St. Peter looks at the second blonde, shakes his head in disgust, tells her she's wrong, and then peers over his glasses at the third blonde and asks, "What is Easter?" The third blonde smiles confidently and looks St. Peter in the eyes, "I know what Easter is." "Oh?" says St. Peter, incredulously. "Easter is the Christian holiday, that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper. Then the Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder." St. Peter smiles broadly with delight. Then the third blonde continues, "Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out...and, if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter."
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
Pauly's family is at dinner, the 10-year-old daughter isn't eating much, and she just keeps her head down... After a few minutes, she says, "I have something to tell you." Everyone gets silent and they all listen. "I am no longer the virgin I used to be." And she begins to cry. A long silence, and Pauly speaks to MrsPauly: "It's your fault, you know, always dressed and made up like a tramp. You think that's an example for your daughter? Always wallowing on the sofa; it's just terrible; that's why problems like this come up! Then MrsPauly lights in on Pauly: "And YOU! Do you think that you're a good example? Wasting your scrawny paycheck with your drinking buddies who even come drunk into the house--do you think that's a good example for a little girl 10 years old?" Then Pauly charges back in: "And her sister, that no-good, with her hairy and dope-crazed boyfriend, always with their hands all over each other and screwing in every room in the house--you think that's a good example too?" And it goes on and on, back and forth. Then the grandmother hugs the little girl to console her and asks, "Now, darling, how did this happen? And the little girl answers, trying to hold back her sobbing: "Father Michael chose another girl to be the Virgin in the Christmas pageant this year."
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
A friend was complaining that her boyfriend would not say "I love you," even if explicitly asked to do so. The only exception, she said, was when they were in fact in the act of making love. Then, if asked, he would say the sacred words. I suggested that she should not take too much comfort in the exception. When making love, I explained, men will say anything. "He'd tell you he's the Easter Bunny if that's what he thinks you want to hear," I told her. The conversation rattled on from there. A couple of weeks later, she related the following. "We were in bed, making love and I said, 'Tell me you love me'." He said, "I love you." I said, "Tell me you're the Easter Bunny." He stopped for a second, and said, "I'm the Easter Bunny." "So I slapped him." The poor guy probably still doesn't know what happened.
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
2 convicts were recently released from prison as they stood at the bus stop waiting one ex-con turns to the other and says 'man i'm horny' the other ex-con replies 'yea me too' the first ex-con tells the second 'well hey man we've been locked up for awhile and we know how it works. how about you let me do you and then you can do me?' the second ex-con agrees, pulls down his pants and the first ex-con sodomizes him. so then it's the other's turn, and as he starts to mount his fellow ex-con he starts kissing the back of his neck and gently rubbing his back... when suddenly the bent over ex-con looks back and says 'hey man none of that fag shit'
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
Q. What do you call kids born in whorehouses?
A. Brothel sprouts.
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
Two soldiers are late returning from their leave, and now they're standing before their sergeant: "How could you be late for two whole hours? What if a war broke out?" "Well, comrade Sergeant, we went to the opera and we just got carried away with the performance." "Opera?!" the sergeant exclaims. "I can only imagine how drunk you were to end up in the opera!"
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
A teacher in a rather backward, rural area attempted to broaden the outlook of her class. She asked the students to write an essay on his views of foreigners. All turned in more or less acceptable pieces except for little Billy, whose essay, in full, was "All foreigners are bastards." The shocked teacher made no direct comment but devoted her next lecture to a description of Greek architecture, Roman law, English drama, German music, Italian poetry, Russian novels, Chinese philosophy and African sculpture. She then asked the class to write another essay on foreigners. When she finally got little Billy's paper it said, in full, "All foreigners are bastards. Some are clever bastards."
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
Solidarity
"Mommy, why are you putting out the flag?" "For solidarity, honey."
"What is solidarity, Mom?"
"We are all standing together, and being strong as one."
"Oh. Mommy, why are you giving blood?"
"For solidarity. We need to stand together and help each other."
"Oh. Mommy, why are putting the flag on your car?"
"For solidarity, honey. We all have to know that we are together and love each other." "Oh. Mommy, why are we lighting these candles?"
"For solidarity. We have to remember and love those that were lost."
"Oh. Mommy, what is solidarity?"
"No one FUCKS with Americans."
"Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh."
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
A guy meets a childhood pal. "What are you doing for yourself these days?" "I'm a fireman," his old friend replies. "Yeah? My 15-year-old kid wants to be a fireman," says the guy. "Well," says his friend, "if you want some good advice, you've got to install a pole in your house that will go to the basement so your kid can practice, because the hardest thing for a fireman is to jump off into space and catch that pole in the middle of the night." Ten years later, the two guys happen to meet again. "Well, did your son become a fireman?" "No," moans the guy, "but my daughter is a stripper."
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
There will be a few changes in the annual White House Easter Egg Roll this year:
1) Children will be screened for hidden weapons
2) All children must sign a loyalty oath
3) Children will be pre-recruited for the National Guard
(by Uncle Rummy in a bunny costume)

+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Sign seen on a vending machine in the men's room: "Don't buy this gum. It tastes like rubber."
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
Q: What do you call nuts on a wall?
A: Walnuts
Q: What do you call nuts on a chest?
A: Chestnuts
Q: What do you call nuts on a chin?
A: Blowjob
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Euphemisms For Impotence
1- A few parts shy of an erector set
2- Not rising to the level of impeachable offense
3- Disappointing Miss Daisy
4- Ascension Deficit Disorder
5- Bouncing the Check of Love
6- All Doled up with nowhere to go
7- Serving boneless pork
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
Husband, upon meeting ex- after two years of separation: "Listen honey, why don't we have a few drinks, dinner, go to my apartment and really make love?" Ex-: "Over my dead body!" Husband: "Great! But I see you haven't changed one bit"
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+

A woman enrolled in nursing school was attending an anatomy class. The subject of the day was involuntary muscles. The instructor, hoping to perk up the students a bit, asked the woman "Do you know what your asshole does when you're having an orgasm?"
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
"Sure" she said. "He's at home, taking care of the kids" What did Ted Kennedy say to Mary Jo Koepkne when she asked him if he was going to leave his wife and live with her? "We'll cross that bridge when we come to it..."
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
What is a new definitions of amnesia? It's a condition that allows a woman, who has been through childbirth, to have sex again. They don't call it labor for nothing!
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
A man walks into a pharmacy and asks for a pack of condoms. As soon as he has paid for them, he starts laughing and walks out. The next day, the same performance, with the man walking out laughing,fit to bust. The pharmacist thinks this odd and asks his assistant, if the man returns, to follow him. Sure enough, he comes into the store the next day, repeating his actions once more. The assistant duly follows. Half an hour later, he returns. "So did you follow him?" "I did." "And...where did he go?"
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#

Woman goes into a bar with a duck under her arm. Bartender says what'll the pig have." The woman says, "that's not a pig, that's a duck!". "I know," says the bartender, "I was talking to the duck."
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Ode to Alcohol Starkle, starkle, little twink,
Who the hell you are I think,
I'm not under what they call
The alcofluence of incohol.
I'm not drunk as thinkle peep,
I'm just a little slort of sheep.
Tee martoonis make a guy
Fool so feelish, don't know why
Rally don't know who's me yet
The drunker I stay the longer I get
So just one more to full my cup,
I've all day sober to Sunday up.
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
Weird Fact :
Albert Einstein was offered the presidency of Israel in 1952, but he declined.
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
A woman enrolled in nursing school was attending an anatomy class. The subject of the day was involuntary muscles. The instructor, hoping to perk up the students a bit, asked the woman "Do you know what your asshole does when you're having an orgasm?"
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
"Sure" she said. "He's at home, taking care of the kids" What did Ted Kennedy say to Mary Jo Koepkne when she asked him if he was going to leave his wife and live with her? "We'll cross that bridge when we come to it..."
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
What is a new definitions of amnesia? It's a condition that allows a woman, who has been through childbirth, to have sex again. They don't call it labor for nothing!
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
A man walks into a pharmacy and asks for a pack of condoms. As soon as he has paid for them, he starts laughing and walks out. The next day, the same performance, with the man walking out laughing,fit to bust. The pharmacist thinks this odd and asks his assistant, if the man returns, to follow him. Sure enough, he comes into the store the next day, repeating his actions once more. The assistant duly follows. Half an hour later, he returns. "So did you follow him?" "I did." "And...where did he go?"
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#

Woman goes into a bar with a duck under her arm. Bartender says what'll the pig have." The woman says, "that's not a pig, that's a duck!". "I know," says the bartender, "I was talking to the duck."
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Ode to Alcohol Starkle, starkle, little twink,
Who the hell you are I think,
I'm not under what they call
The alcofluence of incohol.
I'm not drunk as thinkle peep,
I'm just a little slort of sheep.
Tee martoonis make a guy
Fool so feelish, don't know why
Rally don't know who's me yet
The drunker I stay the longer I get
So just one more to full my cup,
I've all day sober to Sunday up.
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
Weird Fact :
Albert Einstein was offered the presidency of Israel in 1952, but he declined.
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+


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