Down Dirty and Rated R
The new Vicar was up early one Sunday morning, walking round his new parish, after leaving his wife in bed with the Sunday papers, her cup of tea, and a pack of cigarettes. One of the old villagers came up to him and said. "Good morning Vicar, how be you and the wife?" The Vicar said, "Good morning my man, I am fine, the wife is fine also as I left her in bed smoking." The villager said, "Arr, Vicar, that's the way to fuck 'em!"
The famous sex therapist was on the radio taking questions when a caller asked, "Doctor, I want to know, why do men always want to marry a virgin? To which the doctor handily responded, "To avoid criticism."
John bought his new colleague, Peter, home for dinner. As they arrived at the door his wife rushed up, threw her arms around John and kissed him passionately. "My goodness", said Peter, "and how long have you been married?" "22 years", replied John. "You must have a fantastic marriage if your wife greets you like that after all those years." "Don't be fooled! She only does it to make the dog jealous."
IF MEN GOT PREGNANT
Maternity leave would last two years....with full pay. There would be a cure for stretch marks. Natural childbirth would become obsolete. Morning sickness would rank as the nation's #1 health problem. All methods of birth control would be 100% effective. Children would be kept in the hospital until toilet trained. Men would be eager to talk about commitment. They wouldn't think twins were so cute. Sons would have to be home from dates by 10:00 PM. Breifcases would be used as diaper bags. Paternity suits would be a fashion line of clothes. They'd stay in bed during the entire pregnancy. Restaurants would include ice cream and pickles as main entree's. Women would rule the world.
Pickup lines and rebuttals...
Man: "Your place or mine?" Woman: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."
Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?" Woman: "It's in the phone book."
Man: "But I don't know your name." Woman: "That's in the phone book too."
Weird Fact :
Adolf Hitler wanted to be an architect, but he failed the entrance exam at the architectural school in Vienna.
Q: What's the definition of the ideal man?
A: One with a twelve-inch tongue and a broom-handle
through his ears.
A young woman and young man were at he beach one moonlit night.
They were lying there looking at the night sky in each others arms.
The young man looked over and asked the young lady, "If you could
be on any planet up there, just you and I, which one would you want
to be on."
The young woman lies there for a minute staring up and thinks and then
replies, "I think it would be Venus, it sounds like a place of romance."
She then turns to him and asks him the same question.
He lies there and with a sly smile replies, "Uranus".
The phone rang as I was sitting down to my evening meal, and as I
answered it I was greeted with "Is this Karl Brummer?"
Not sounding anything like my name, I asked who was calling.
The telemarketer said he was with The Rubber Band Powered Freezer Company or something like that.
Then I asked him if he knew Karl personally and why was he calling this number.
I then said off to the side, "get some pictures of the body at
various angles and the blood smears",
I then turned back to the phone and advised the caller that he had entered a murder scene and must stay on the line because we had already traced this call and he would be receiving a summons to testify in this murder case.
I questioned the caller at great length as to his name, address, phone number at home, at work, who he worked for, how he knew the dead guy and could he prove where he had been about one hour before he made this call.
The telemarketer was getting very concerned and his answers were given in a shaky voice.
I then told him we had located his position and the police were entering the building to take him into custody, at that point I heard the phone fall and the scurrying of his running away.
My wife asked me as I returned to our table why I had tears streaming down my face and so help me, I couldn't tell her for about fifteen minutes. My meal was cold, but it was the best meal in a long, long time.