Friday Funnies and Links To Waste Time
Al, Bill and Hillary
Al Gore and Bill & Hillary Clinton go to Heaven. (NO, NO, this is just the FIRST part of the joke----keep reading.)
God addresses Al first. "Al, what do you believe in?" Al replies, "Well, I believe I won that election, but that it was your will that I did not serve. And I've come to understand that now." God thinks for a second and says, "Okay, very good. Come and sit at my left."
God then addresses Bill. "Bill, what do you believe in?" Bill replies, "I believe in forgiveness. I've sinned, but I've never held a grudge against my fellow man, and I hope no grudges are held against me." God thinks for a second and says, "You are forgiven, my son. Come and sit at my right."
Then God addresses Hillary. "Hillary, what do you believe in?" "I believe you're in my chair."
The Peg Game
Little Johnny was a country boy who had come into some money and decided he would go to town. Having never been to town before he strolled up and down the street looking at the stores, when he came to a barber shop. "Well," he said to himself. "I have never had a city hair cut, I think I will get one." He went in and sat down and the barber said, "What can I do for you?" Little Johnny said, "I want the works, everything, I can pay for it!" So the barber starts cutting, and in a little while he said, "Would you like a singe?" Little Johnny said, "I said I want the works, everything." The shop had a good looking, well built manicurist, wearing a tight knit, almost see through shirt and she walked over and asked if he want a manicure. He said, "I want the works, everything!" So she started working on him, all the while rubbing those big breasts up against him and looking at him with those big eyes. In a few minutes she asked, "Shall I push back the cuticle?" Little Johnny said, "Just kiss me, it will roll back by itself."
15 Biblical Ways to Acquire a Wife, , ,
1. Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim her nails, and give her new clothes. Then she's yours. (Deuteronomy 21:11-13)
2. Find a prostitute and marry her. (Hosea 1:1-3)
3. Find a man with seven daughters, and impress him by watering his flock. -Moses (Exodus 2:16-21)
4. Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as part of the deal. -Boaz (Ruth 4:5-10)
5. Go to a party and hide. When the women come out to dance, grab one and carry her off to be your wife. -Benjaminites (Judges 21:19-25)
6. Have God create a wife for you while you sleep. Note: This will cost you. -Adam (Genesis 2:19-24)
7. Agree to work seven years in exchange for a woman's hand in marriage. Get tricked into marrying the wrong woman. Then work another seven years for the woman you wanted to marry in the first place. That's right. Fourteen years of hard labor for a wife. -Jacob (Genesis 29:15-30)
8. Cut 200 foreskins off of your future father-in-law's enemies and get his daughter for a wife. -David (I Samuel 18:27)
9. Even if no one is out there, just wander around a bit and you'll definitely find someone. (It's all relative, of course.) -Cain (Genesis 4:16-17)
10. Become the emperor of a huge nation and hold a beauty contest. -Xerxes or Ahasuerus (Esther 2:3-4)
11. When you see someone you like, go home and tell your parents, "I have seen a ... woman; now get her for me." If your parents question your decision, simply say, "Get her for me. She's the one for me." -Samson (Judges 14:1-3)
12. Kill any husband and take HIS wife (Prepare to lose four sons, though). -David (2 Samuel 11)
13. Wait for your brother to die. Take his widow. (It's not just a good idea; it's the law.) -Onan and Boaz (Deuteronomy or Leviticus, example in Ruth)
14. Don't be so picky. Make up for quality with quantity. -Solomon (1 Kings 11:1-3)
15. A wife? ... NOT! -Paul (1 Corinthians 7:32-35)
Bill Gates- After Death
Well, Bill," said God, "I'm really confused on this one. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell! After all, you helped society enormously by putting a computer in almost every home in the world and yet you created that ghastly Windows. I'm going to do something I've never done before. I'm going to let you decide where you want to go!" Mr. Gates replied, "Well, thanks, Lord. What's the difference between the two?" God said, "You can take a peek at both places briefly if it will help you decide. Shall we look at Hell first?" "Sure!" said Bill. "Let's go!" Bill was amazed! He saw a clean, white sandy beach with clear waters. There were thousands of beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining and the temperature was just perfect! Bill said, "This is great! If this is Hell, I can't wait to see Heaven!" To which God replied, "Let's go!" and off they went. Bill saw puffy white clouds in a beautiful blue sky with angels drifting about playing harps and singing. It was nice, but surely not as enticing as Hell. Mr. Gates thought for only a brief moment and rendered his decision. "God, I do believe I would like to go to Hell." "As you desire," said God. Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to see how things were going. He found Bill shackled to a wall, screaming among the hot flames in a dark cave. He was being burned and tortured by demons. "How ya doin', Bill?" asked God. Bill responded with anguish and despair. "This is awful! This is not what I expected at all! What happened to the beach and the beautiful women playing in the water?"
"Oh, THAT!" said God. "That was the screen saver"
The mechanical toy dog sparked an airport security alert. A novelty toy dog which breaks wind sparked a major security alert at an American airport. Page designer Dave Rogerson's life-size mechanical terrier set off a security detector at Norfolk Airport in Virginia. Armed security staff were alerted when the toy's wind-breaking mechanism registered as a high explosive on sensitive monitoring equipment. Mr Rogerson, 31, from Thorner, Leeds, was questioned by FBI agents and looked on in amazement as they took a series of swabs from the mechanical toy's rear end. The toy animal was eventually returned to him, but he was not allowed to take his planned flight and had to take an alternative route to North Carolina. Mr Rogerson said: "There's no humour at American check-ins and for about 20 minutes I was quite scared. "They told me it is the highest reading they had for explosives and they took it very seriously. "They were very jumpy and convinced there was something explosive in the dog." Eventually the FBI experts decided the toy was harmless and returned it to him. He has now named the toy dog Norfolk after the airport.
Firefox security Flaws
Susan's Grab Bag Of Graphics
Computers for The Disabled
I hated math. Math teachers would ask me questions: "Can you tell us the common denominator here?" "Yeah, we all think this stinks."
My Dad and I were talking the other night about love and marriage. He told me that he knew as early as their wedding what marriage to my Mom would be like. It seems the minister asked my Mom, "Do you take this man to be your husband." And she said, "I do." Then the minister asked my Dad, "Do you take this woman to be your wife," and my Mom said, "He does."
Q: Did you hear about the blonde who won the gold medal at the Olympics? A: She had it bronzed.
Hank was a not too smart kind of guy. Everyday when he walked home from work, he would get stopped by three nasty men and they would beat him up and steal his money. Finally, Hank decided that it would serve his best interest to walk a different route and then take up some self-defense classes so this wouldn't happen again. He joined a karate class and soon was doing very well to defend himself. So, one day, on the way home from work Hank took his old route home and sure enough there they were. He walked up to them and the battle ensued. The next afternoon Hank went to his karate class with a black eye, a broken nose and a busted lip. His instructor, shocked, asked him what happened. "Well," explained Hank, "I took my old way home last night so I could beat these guys up who were stealing my money, but they beat me up before I could get my shoes and socks off!"
Teacher: Little Johnny, go to the map and find North America. Little Johnny: Here it is! Teacher: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America? Class: Little Johnny!
Teacher: Are you chewing gum? Little Johnny: No, I'm Little Johnny.
Teacher: How can one person make so many stupid mistakes in one day? Little Johnny: I get up early.
Teacher; Didn't you promise to behave? Little Johnny: Yes, sir. Teacher: And didn't I promise to punish you if you didn't? Little Johnny: Yes, sir, but since I broke my promise, you didn't have to keep yours.
Little Johnny: Teacher, would you punish me for something I didn't do? Teacher: Of course not. Little Johnny: Good, because I didn't do my homework.
Teacher: Why are you late? Little Johnny: Because of the sign. Teacher: What sign? Little Johnny: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow. "That's what I did.
Teacher: I hope I didn't see you looking at Don's paper. Little Johnny: I hope you didn't either.
Teacher: Well, at least there's one thing I can say about your son. Father: What's that? Teacher: With grades like these, he couldn't be cheating.
Teacher: Johnny, give me a sentence starting with "I". Little Johnny: I is... Teacher: No, Little Johnny. Always say "I am." Little Johnny: All right. "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."