Monday, April 17, 2006

Giggles For Monday

The farm had been mortgaged, and gladly, to give daughter a college education. Now, driving home from the station after meeting her at the train, farmer Johnson was greatly disturbed when his daughter whispered, "I have a confession to make, Paw - I ain't a virgin no more." The old man shook his head sadly. "After all the sacrifices your Maw and I made to give you a good education, you still say ain't!"
The pro quarterback was petitioning the court to have his recent marriage annulled. "On what grounds?" questioned the judge. "This court does not take annulments lightly." "Non-virginity," replied the quarterback, "When I married her, I thought I was getting a tight end. But instead I found that I had married a wide receiver
There was this man who was 81 years old and loved to fish. He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, "Pick me up." He looked around and couldn't see any one. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, "Pick me up." He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog. The man said, "Are you talking to me?" The frog said, "Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up. Then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll then give you more sexual pleasure that you ever could have dreamed of." The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket. Then the frog said, "What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will give you sexual pleasures like you have never had." He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, "Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog."!!!!!!!

The lowly stableboy could only watch and dream about the beautiful girl who came to ride her horse every afternoon. It was a case of unrequited love. One day he was painting the empty stables and day-dreaming about his girl when he realised that he was painting the stall that her horse was kept in. the horse shied, coming into contact with the fresh paint and smearing it all over itself. "What will I do?" he wondered. "I know - I'll continue to paint the stall and horse too. When she arrives to ride, she'll wonder who painted her horse green. I'll say I did it accidentally. As her horse dries I'll suggest we might ride double on the horse in the next stall. She'll agree and we'll ride together to the little pond out by the waterfall. We'll admire the scenery for a while, then she'll say, 'I'd love to go swimming but I didn't bring my suit.' I'll tell her that no-one ever comes here at this time of day so we can safely swim in the nude. We'll skinny-dip for a while then lie close together on the grass. One thing will lead to another and we'll make mad, passionate love. That's what I'll do." It was almost time for the beautiful girl to arrive so he hid in the next stall, eager to carry out the next stage of his plan. The girl came to the stall, opened the door and exclaimed, "Who painted my horse green?!" Excitedly, the boy leapt from his hiding place and shouted, "I did! Let's fuck!"
Long ago, somewhere east of Hughsonville, there was a small town with a big problem. Almost all of the inhabitants were men. In fact, there was only one "eligible" woman in the entire town. And so it happened that all of the men lined up to arrange dates with Elizabeth. After the first few men went out with her, it became no secret that Beth was less than desirable. She ate with her mouth open, always ordered the most expensive meal, made crude jokes about her companion, and rarely bathed. A man who had spent an evening with Beth had a distinctive look to him. He would have an ashen complexion, sunken eyes that stared straight ahead, uncomprehending, and he would have a tendency to shudder from time to time. It became commonplace for the townfolk, upon encountering such a person, to remark "You look like you've just had a date with Beth!" And then one day everything changed; Norma moved into town. T he menfolk all fell to their knees, offering praise to the deity of their choice, and flocked to Norma's door to seek an evening with her. Chester, the town's most eligible bachelor, was the first to be granted an evening with Norma. The evening was a disaster. Norma, like Beth, ate with her mouth open, but had far fewer teeth. That was, perhaps, one of her more graceful attributes. She didn't use a knife or fork. In fact, she didn't even use her hands. She ate with her feet. And she liked to toss her food about the room, all the while spouting vulgarities that would make a sailor blush. And the rude noises... well, suffice it to say that a description would violate the norms of acceptable discourse. Chester barely got through the meal, and gratefully deposited Norma at her home. As he made his way back to town, he encountered many of his friends, all of whom were curious about his evening. As he got closer, however, they all saw the unmistakable signs - the ashen pallor, the halting gait. One of them approached Chester, put a hand on his shoulder, and said "Jeez, Chester, you look like you've had a date with..." "No, my friend," Chester interrupted, "this was a date worse than Beth."
You're an Extreme Redneck If...
1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.
3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
4. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.
5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean. 6. Someone in your family died right after saying, "Hey, guys, watch this."
7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
9. Your junior prom offered day care.
10. You think the last words of the "Star-Spangled Banner" are "Gentlemen, start your engines."
11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
12. The Halloween Pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.
13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge. 14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.
15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.
17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

There once was a third grader named Little Johnny. Every time the teacher would say something, Little Johnny would say, "How about that!" One day, the teacher said, "And then George Washington crossed the Delaware." Little Johnny said, "How about that!" The teacher told Little Johnny, "If you say that one more time, you are going out into the hall, mister!" To that, Little Johnny replied, "Well, how about that!" Taking him by the arm, the teacher marched Little Johnny into the hall and said, "While you're out here, I want you to write a poem to tell the class." Twenty minutes later, the teacher came out to get Little Johnny and said, "Before we go back in, I want to hear your poem." Little Johnny said, "As I stood in the hall, I saw a cockroach go up the wall. How about that!" The teacher said, "That's fine, Little Johnny, but I want you to leave the cock out." She took him back into the classroom and announced that Little Johnny had a poem for the class. Little Johnny stood up and said, "As I stood in the hall, I saw a roach go up the wall with his cock out. How about that!"
Arlene was walking down North Main Street in Danville. As she walked past the delicatessen, she glanced into the shop window. There, nestled in amongst the salami, was a sign proclaiming "Fresh from Warsaw- World's largest (commercially available) Sausage". Hanging on a large hook above it, was the most enormous sausage she had ever seen. It must've been at least eight inches in diameter, and two feet long. "That's a two-man zeppelin, not a sausage" she thought, "Oh well, I'll try anything once". So she walked into the shop, heaved the 20 lb. monster down off the hook and, thunking it down on the counter, presented it to the shopkeeper, who immediately wrestled it onto the machine and started slicing it up. "Hey what the Hell are you doing!!??" cried Arlene in dismay, "What do you think my pussy is? a coin-slot???"
Hi! I'm Mr. Right! I was told you were looking for me?
There you are! Where have you been?
You were supposed to be in my bed five minutes ago!
I'm here, you're here -- we already have something in common!
What's a nice girl like you doing in a dirty mind like mine?
Wanna swap microorganisms?
I don't want to kiss you -- I just want to tell your lips a secret!
Want to come over and meet my sheets?
I bet my tongue can beat up your tongue.
Are you busy tonight around 3am? Would you like to be?
I like your smile, but I'd probably rather see you scream.

Two trains are leaving their stations at the same time. Both need to travel 1000 miles. If Train A is going 95 miles an hour, and Train B is going 85 miles an hour, how long will it take for you to go out with me?
Dateline Washington DC: In an attempt to stem the tide of bird flu, US President GW. Bush ordered the bombing of the Canary Islands.

Grand Moment....
Five-year-old Mark excitedly told his grandfather about the movie he had watched on television, 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea. Mark was describing the scenes with the giant octopus when Grandpa interrupted to ask how the submarine had sunk. Surprised that Grandpa would ever ask such a question, Mark replied, "Don't you know? It was the 20,000 leaks!"
As different as we are from one another, as unique as each of us is, we are much more the same than we are different. That may be the most essential message of all, as we help our children grow toward being caring, compassionate, and charitable adults.

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic
responded to the call. The house was very,
very dark, so the paramedic asked Kathleen,
a 3-year-old girl, to hold a flashlight
high over her Mommy so he could see while
he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently,
Kathleen did as she was asked.

Heidi pushed and pushed, and after a little
while Connor was born. The paramedic
lifted him by his little feet and spanked
him on his bottom. Connor began to cry.
The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her
help and asked the wide-eyed 3-year old what
she thought about what she had just witnessed.
Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't
have crawled in there in the first
place......... smack his butt again!"
If you didn't laugh on this one,
there's no help for you.

Love is like infinity: You can't have more or less infinity, and you can't compare tow things to see if they're 'equally infinite.' Infinity just is, and that's the way I think love it, too.
LIVE TO GIVE... You may say, “I don’t have anything to give.” Sure you do! You can give a smile. You can give a hug. Somebody needs what you have to share. Somebody needs what you have to share. Somebody needs your friendship. Somebody needs your encouragement. God didn’t make us to function as “Lone Rangers.” He created us to be free, but He did not intent for us to be independent of each other. We really do need one another.
It’s time to allow emotional wounds to heal, to let go of your excuses and stop feeling sorry for yourself. It’s time to get rid of your victim mentality. Nobody, not even God, ever promised that life would be fair. Quit comparing your life to somebody else’s, and quit dwelling on what could have been, should have been, or might have been. Quit asking questions such as, “Why this?” or “What that?” or Why me?”

On their honeymoon, the blonde bride slipped into a sexy nightie and, with great anticipation, crawled into bed, only to find that her new Catholic husband had settled down on the couch.

When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to her, he replied, "It's Lent."
In tears, she remarked, "Well, that is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard! Who did you lend it to, and for how long?"
"What hour is it?"
"What hour is it?" the old man whispered.
"There is still time."
"Hmmm. You are still here."
"I told you I would not leave you."
There was silence in the room.
"I know. But I really didn't expect you to stay."
"Why? Why would I leave you?"
The old man struggling with the words, his mouth dry, his lips quivering, he cleared his throat and said, "You know why."
"It makes no difference now. It is done. It is over."
"Why did you stay?"
"I promised you."
The man swallowed hard, blinked his eyes a few times nervously and continued.
"Where were you when Mildred died?"
"Right there waiting."
"I never saw you."
"She smiled right before she passed. I was there in her smile."
"Where were you when my son overdosed on drugs?"
"I was there when he was healed of his addiction."
"Where were you when the neighbor boy was killed in the war?"
"I was there on the roadside waiting for the final roll call."
"Where were you...."
"I have always been there. I am there in the pain. I am there in the sorrow. I am there in the joy and laughter, today and tomorrow. I am there when you think you are alone. I am there when you are lost and can't find your way home. I am there at the crossroads and the turns in your life. I am there in the struggle, anguish and strife. I am there when you're standing I am there when you fall. I am there when you are sleeping. I am there when you call. I was there in the beginning. I'll be there in the end.
I made you a promise that I will not fail you."
The old man was still.
"What hour is it now?"
"It has been a long way for you to come home. It is the hour now."
The old man reaches out his hand and says, "Take my hand God, please?"
"I never let it go."
QUOTE FOR TODAY "Do what we can, summer will have its flies." Ralph Waldo Emerson
Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait for a table. Young man, we're both 90 years old," the husband said. "We may not have 45 minutes."
They were seated immediately.

As the remaining Beatles actually approach the age of 64, several acts from the Golden Oldies Tour have decided to pitch some of their hits to their equally aging fan base. To wit:
James Brown--"Papa's Got A Brand New Foley Bag"
The Who--"Talkin' 'Bout My Medication'
Herman's Hermits--"Mrs. Brown You've Got a Lovely Walker"
The Rolling Stones--"You Can't Always Pee When You Want"
Paul Simon--"Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver"
Carly Simon--"You're So Varicose Vein"
The Bee Gees--"How Can You Mend a Broken Hip?"
Roberta Flack--"The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face"
Johnny Nash--"I Can't See Clearly Now"
The Temptations--"Papa's Got a Kidney Stone"
Nancy Sinatra--"These Boots Give Me Arthritis"
ABBA--"Denture Queen"
Leo Sayer--"You Make Me Feel Like Napping"
Commodores--"Once, Twice, Three Trips to the Bathroom"
Procol Harem--"A Whiter Shade of Hair"
The Beatles--"I Get By with a Little Help From Depends"
Credence Clearwater Revival--"Bad Prune a-Rising"Marvin Gaye--"I Heard It Through the Grape Nuts"


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