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Sunday, April 23, 2006

Jokes N Things




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One year, my six year old son and twelve year old daughter were in the kitchen helping me boil eggs to color for Easter. The pot of eggs had starting to boil and they were making the strange noises that they sometimes do. My son heard the noise and was walking around the kitchen with his head cocked to one side listening, trying to figure out where the noise was coming from. As he got near the stove and noticed it was coming from the pot of eggs, he asked what was making that sound. Without missing a beat, his older sister immediately answered.... "It's the baby chicks screaming!" His eyes nearly popped out of his head!




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A long time ago, in rural Michigan my family and I were members of a small mission church which met in the building of a small winery. My wife taught the pre-school and Kindergarten class and the children were seated on the cases . We frequently had family visitors , the grown children of the older Parishioners with their children. One of the younger families visiting was a service family, Marines. The three children were all redheads 9 , 7 , and 5 and were mirror images of their father. On Palm Sunday the class was taught about the Crucifixion, and my wife showed the story in a large book sparing nothing of the cruel details of the sad story. The class sat aghast until the five year old, redheaded boy, tears streaming down his face and hands clenched at his sides stood up in rage and shouted, "Where the heck were the Marines?"
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At an Easter mass, at which some young ladies were to take their finals vows to become nuns, the presiding bishop noticed two rabbis enter the church just before the mass began. They were seated at the back of the sanctuary and insisted on sitting on the right side of the center aisle. The bishop wondered why they had come but didn't have time to inquire before the mass began. When it came time for some announcements, his curiosity got the best of him. He announced that he was delighted to see two rabbis in their midst at the mass but, was curious as to why they were present at this occasion where the young ladies were to become the "brides of Christ." The eldest of the rabbis slowly rose to his feet and explained, "Family of the Groom."
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A man having lunch at a Chinese restaurant noticed that the table had been set with forks, not chopsticks. He asked why. The waiter said "Chopsticks are provided only on request." "But," the man countered, "if you gave your patrons chopsticks, you wouldn't have to pay someone to wash all the forks." "True," the waiter shot back, "but we would have to hire three more people to clean up the mess."
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Little Willie asked his mother: "Mamma, don't soldiers ever go to heaven?" "Of course they do!" protested his mother. "What makes you ask?" "There are so many soldiers with beards but I never saw any pictures of angels with beards." "Oh, that's because most MEN who go to Heaven get there by a close shave."
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After shopping at a busy store, another woman and I happened to leave at the same time, only to be faced with the daunting task of finding our cars in the crowded parking lot. Just then my car horn beeped, and I was able to locate my vehicle easily. "Wow," the woman said. "I sure could use a gadget like that to help me find my car." "Actually," I replied, "that gadget's called 'my husband.'"
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Cooking
You consider it a culinary success if the Pop-Tart stays in one piece.
Your dog goes to the neighbors' to eat.
Your family buys Alka-Seltzer and Kaopectate in bulk.
When you barbecue, two of your kids hold water guns and the third stands ready by the phone with 911 on speed-dial.
Your family automatically heads for the dinner table every time they hear a fire truck siren.
The E.P.A. insists that all your garbage cans be marked with biohazard symbols.
Your microwave display reads "TILT!"
Your two best recipes are meat loaf and apple pie, but your dinner guests can't tell which is which.
Your pie filling bubbles over and eats the enamel off the bottom of the oven.
You've used three boxes of scouring pads and a bottle of Drano and a crowbar, and that macaroni and cheese still won't let go of the pan.
Pest control companies keep pestering you for your recipes.
You make tuna noodle surprise and the surprise is that it glows in the dark and melts the silverware.
Your family prays AFTER they eat!
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