Late Night Giggles and Reruns?
Be excellent to each other,
May the road rise to meet you
May the wind be always at your back
May the sun shine warm upon your face
The rain fall soft upon your fields
And until we meet again
May God hold you in the palm of his hand
Woman's Quote of the Day:"Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something with which you'd like to have dinner with."
Men's Counter-Quote of the Day:"Women are like fine wine. They all start out fresh, fruity and intoxicating to the mind and then turn full-bodied with age until they go all sour and vinegary and give you a headache."
A woman once said that a man is like a deck of playing cards.
You need:a HEART to love him,
a DIAMOND to marry him,
a CLUB to smash his fucking head in, and
a SPADE to bury the bastard!
Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?A: 45 lbs.
Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?A: 45 minutes.
Q: Why is the part between the bottom of a woman's boobs and the top of her vagina called 'a waist'?A: Because you could easily fit another set of tits in there!
Q: What's the definition of a gynecologist?A: He is the only fool on the earth who looks for problems in a place where most other people find pleasure!
Q: A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think of?A: Dating children!
Q: What is the similarity between a wife and a chewing gum?A: Both are sweet in the beginning and become tasteless and shapeless later.
Q: What is the strongest muscle?A: The tongue. It can raise a woman's hip with just one lick!
Q: Why is the 69 position like driving in rush hour?A: The asshole is always in front of you.
Q: What is the difference between a panty & a stage curtain?A: When you pull down the stage curtain, the show is over... but when you pull down the panties, it's SHOWTIME!
A divorced man meets his ex-wife's new husband at a party. Later after knocking back a few drinks, he goes over to the new guy and asks him: "So... how do you like using second hand stuff?"The new husband replied: "It isn't that bad. Past the first three inches,it's all brand new."
A lady bought her ex a present for his birthday. He opened it and said, "What the hell do I want with a rocket?"She said, "You wanted space... now fuck off!"
It's funny how, as we get older, our priorities change. The other morning I awoke to see my wife standing beside the bed, dressed in very skimpy underwear and holding several pieces of velvet rope."Tie me up and you can do anything you want", she purred.So I tied her up and went fishing.
Relationships are sometimes difficult to handle.It's like a full time job, and we should treat it as one: if your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, he/she should give you two weeks notice and, they should organize you a TEMP!!!!
Dennis arrived at his Internal Revenue Service audit accompanied byAnother man. Going over his records, the IRS official said, "Well, sir, it appearsThat you live at a much higher level than your reported income. How doYou explain that?" Dennis replied, "I love to gamble and I always win."The skeptical official gave him a disbelieving look"I can prove it," said Dennis. "How about a demonstration?"The official thought a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead." Dennis said, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my ownEye."The auditor thought a moment and said, "No way! It's a bet!" Dennis removed his glass eye and bit it. The official's jaw dropped.Dennis said, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite myOther eye." The official could tell Dennis wasn't blind, so he took the bet. DennisThen removed his dentures and bit his good eye. The stunned official was now three grand in the hole! "Want to go double or nothing?" Dennis asked. "I'll bet you six thousandDollars that I can stand on your desk and pee into that wastebasket byThe door over there and never get a drop anywhere in between." The auditor, twice burned, was cautious now, but there's no way this guyCould manage that stunt, so he agreed again! Dennis climbed up on the auditor's desk, missed the wastebasketCompletely, and pretty much got pee all over the desk. The official grinned. He had just turned a huge loss into a huge win!But then he noticed that Dennis's friend looked ashen and was visiblyShaking. "Are you okay?" he asked. The man replied, "Not really. Yesterday Dennis bet me twenty thousandDollars he'd pee on your desk and you'd be happy about it!"
A fellow is getting ready to tee-off on first hole when a second fellow approaches and asks if he can join him. The first says that he usually plays alone but agrees to let the second guy join him. Both are even after the first couple of holes. The second guy says "Say, we're about evenly matched, how about we play for a $5 a hole?" The first fellow says that he usually plays alone and doesn't like to bet but agrees to the terms. Well, the second guy wins the rest of the holes and as they're walking off of the eighteenth hole and while counting his $80.00, he confesses that he's the pro at a neighboring course and likes to pick on suckers. The first fellow reveals that he's the Parish Priest at the local Catholic Church to which the second fellow gets all flustered and apologetic and offers to give the Priest back his money. The Priest says, "No, no. You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings." The pro says, "Well, is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"The Priest says, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation. Then, if you bring your mother and father by after Mass, I'll marry them for you."
On the evening of their 50th anniversary, a reminiscing wife found the negligee she wore on her wedding night and put it on. She went to her husband and said "Honey, do you remember this?" He looked up from his newspaper and said, "Yes dear, I do. You wore that same negligee the night we were married." She said, "Yes, that's right. Do you remember what you said to me that night?" He nodded and said, "Yes dear, I still remember." Well, what was it?" she asked. He was not much in the mood for this, but he sighed and responded, "Well, honey, as I remember, I said, 'Oh baby, I'm going to suck the life out of those boobs and screw your brains out' ." She giggled and said, Yes dear, that's it. That's exactly what you said. So now it's fifty years later, and I'm in the same negligee. What do you have to say tonight? He looked her up and down and replied, "Mission Accomplished!"
A New Jersey man claims penis-enlargement pills he bought didn't work, and he's filing a multi-million dollar lawsuit. The manufacturer is shocked, not because it believes in the pill, but because it thought it was safe to assume that no man in the world would be willing to tell everyone he has a small penis.
I don't understand.After the last child was born, she told me we had to cut
back on expenses - I had to give up drinking beer. I was
not a big drinker, maybe a 12-pack on weekends.Anyway, I gave it up but I noticed the other day when
she came home from grocery shopping. The
receipt included $45 in makeup.I said, "Wait a minute I've given up beer and you
haven't given up anything!"She said, "I buy that makeup for you, so I can
look pretty for you."I told her, "Hell, that's what the beer was for!"I don't think she'll be back.
TOP TEN WORST THINGS TO HEAR IN BED
10) Wait! I saw this in a Three Stooges flick once.
9) How come I hear an echo down there?
8) You said you'd like to try some toys in bed, so I brought Mr. Potatohead.
7) I'd like to buy a vowel.
6) You haven't seen my garden gnome, have you?
5) Yeah, it's a duck. Once you go quack, you never go back.
4) It burns! It burns!
3) No, that's a snail.
2) Ummm. Is it supposed to look like that?
1) Release the Manatees!
When we decided to sell our house, we nailed "FOR SALE BY OWNER" signs on two trees in our front yard. Before long, the doorbell rang. "How much do you want for the trees?" a young man asked.
Two ladies were talking over the back fence. One asked, "Do you use oral contraceptives?" The other said, "Oh, no! Don't tell me you can get pregnant THAT way!"
When I was a kid, we walked 10 miles to school every day, sometimes in the rain or snow. Man, did we feel stupid when we found out there was a bus.
Several years ago a 45 year-old woman was arrested in San Antonio, Texas, after a mechanic reported to police that 18 packages of marijuana were packed in the engine compartment of the car which she had brought to the mechanic for an oil change. According to police she said that she didn't realize that the mechanic would have to raise the hood to change the oil.
Seen On a Plumber's truck: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
When short hemlines came back into fashion, I dug an old miniskirt out of my closet. I tried it on, but couldn't figure out what to do with my other leg.
There was a young man of DumfriesWho said to his girl, "If you please,It would give me great blissIf, while playing with this,
You would pay some attention to these!"
This is an actual job application that a 17-year-old boy submitted at a McDonald’s
restaurant in Florida; and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!
Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.
Company’s President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever’s available.
If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn’t be applying here in the first place.
$185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package.
If that’s not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
LAST POSITION HELD:
Target for middle management hostility.
Less than I’m worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT:
My incredible collection of stolen pens and ‘post-it’ notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING:
AVAILABLE FOR WORK:
Of course. That’s why I’m applying.
1:30 – 3:30pm., Monday, Tuesday and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?:
Yes, but they’re better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?:
If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD
PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UPTO 50lbs?: 50lbs. Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?:
I think the appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?:
I may already be the winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?:
On the job, no, on my breaks, yes.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?:
Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb blond supermodel who
thinks I’m the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I’d like to be doing
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE
BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.
My girlfriend just got a tattoo of a seashell on the inside of her thigh.If you put your ear to it, you can smell the ocean.
HEALTH QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolonglife; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it...
don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually.Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like
saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster.
Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay
and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more
than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system.
Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass(green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of yourrecommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, thatmeans they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of thegoodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. Ifyou have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exerciseprogram?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil.In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be badfor you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You shouldonly be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO . Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best
feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had aboutfood and diets.And remember:"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arrivingsafely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid insideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming"WOO HOO, What a Ride"
The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavilyagainst a wall. He asks the clerk: "What's with that guy overthere by the wall?"
The clerk responds: "Well, he came in here this morning to getsomething for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so Igave him an entire bottle of laxative."
The owner, wide-eyed and excited shouts: 'You idiot! You can'ttreat a cough with a bottle of laxatives!"
The clerk calmly responds: "Of course you can! Look at him; he'safraid to cough!"
In a relationship with a woman, a man can either be right or get laid, but never both.
Old guy comes home in the middle of the day, finds his young blonde wife standing in the middle of their deluxe apartment wearing a red G-string, 7 inch steel heels, and the whole apartment is flooded. "What happened here?" he asks. "I think the waterbed busted," says the trembling wife. Just then a naked guy floats by. "Who's that?" demands the husband. "I dunno. Must be a lifeguard."