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Tuesday, April 11, 2006

Maybe you can get a giggle




I went to the doctor for my yearly physical. The nurse starts with certain basics. How much do you weigh?" she asks. "115," I say. The nurse puts me on the scale. It turns out my weight is 140. The nurse asks, "Your height?" "5 foot 8," I say. The nurse checks and sees that I only measure 5' 5". She then takes my blood pressure and tells me it is very high. "Of course it's high!" I scream, "When I came in here I was tall and slender! Now I'm short and fat!" She puts me on Prozac.
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Jethro,a young mountaineer, had just come into some money, and decided to buy one of them new-fangled bath-tubs, instead of just the galvanized washtub he usually bathed in. So he went down to the plumber's shop, and arranged for them to install it in his shack. Next day, he was back at the plumber's, complaining. "The water keeps draining out as fast as the faucet will pour it in. I can't take a bath in it if the water won't stay long enough!" The plumber asked, "did you put the plug in?" "What," says Jethro, "you didn't tell me it was electric!"
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Five men were stranded on an island in the middle of the ocean. They'd been there for months, living on coconuts and bananas when they were finally approached by a female gorilla. One man said, "Grab her! I'm gonna f*ck her!" The other four did, indeed, grab her, tie her two arms and two legs to stakes, and shove a half of a coconut shell over her face so that she couldn't bite. After a few minutes of furious f*cking, the gorilla pulled her hands loose and wrapped them around the man. Next she pulled her two feet loose and wrapped them around the man as well. The man began shouting, "GET IT OFF! GET IT OFF!" The other four men told him they couldn't help; HE was the one on top. "I MEAN THE SHELL," he screamed. "I WANNA KISS THE BITCH!"
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Every day Little Johnny went to the park and sat on the park bench to watch the squirrels climb the tree. One day while Little Johnny was sitting on the park bench, Susie walked by and unzipped Little Johnny's fly. He went home and told his mother about it and she said, "Tell the little girl not to do that again because you have a mouse in your pants." The following day Little Johnny was sitting there and Susie did the same thing again. As his mother told him, Little Johnny exclaimed "Don't do that because I have a mouse in my pants." At that remark, Susie lifted her skirt and said, "Go get 'em Pussy."
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Do you know what happened in 1850? California became a state. Back then, the state had no electricity, no money, there were gun fights in the middle of the streets, and almost everyone spoke Spanish. So it was just like California today. Only back then the women had real tits.
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Father to his six-year-old-son: "Words are very important. When you talk to our neighbors, just say your aunt likes to crochet. Don't call her the happy hooker!"
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A recent survey asked married people if they had cheated on their spouse and 26 percent said yes. The other 74 percent asked where they could meet the 26 percent.
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Two ancient occupants of a geriatric nursing home were discussing the merits of this "new-fangled" support pantyhose. "Well, I don't like them," said the first old dear, "every time I fart, I blow my slippers off."
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Free Milk For all those men who believe that there's no reason to buy the cow when you can get the milk free, nowadays 80% of women are against marriage, as they have wised up to the fact that for 8 oz. of sausage it's not worth buying the entire pig!
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Little Johnny was on a bus tour of Castilla that had a stop at this old convent. The tour wasn't that interesting so he managed to slip away and started wandering around by himself. Feeling the urge to pee, he looked around for some privacy. He hid behind a bush and took a leak on the wall of the chapel. While he was doing his business, the Mother Superior came around the corner and surprised him. "OH! I am soooo sorry!" Little Johnny said in embarrassment. "It's OK," she replied. "Actually, I've never seen a man's... You know. Could I take a closer look?" A nun asking to see his unit freaked out Little Johnny but it was kinda kinky in a way, so he figured, what the hell. The nun looked at it for a bit and as he was about to put it away she said, "You know, I always wanted to touch one. Would you mind...?" "This is really weird, but sure." Little Johnny was getting really excited. Who else could say that a nun had tossed you off? "Could you take it all out so that I can get a complete experience?" the nun requested. Little Johnny, sure that he was about to get laid, willingly took down his pants. The nun began fondling his testicles and suddenly straightened, and said... "Don't (SQUEEZE) piss (SQUEEZE) on the (SQUEEZE) church (SQUEEZE) walls (SQUEEZE) again!!!!!!!!!!!"
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A salesman came across a house that had a large number of cars parked outside it. Intrigued, he stopped and decided to sell his double glazing to the owner. Answering the door was a gorgeous young woman, and the salesman started into his banter. After she turned down his offer for double glazing, his curiosity got the better of him and he asked how she came to acquire so many cars. "Well," she said. "I make bets with gentlemen, they lose they give me their car." The salesman becoming more intrigued, asks, "What does the bet entail?" All they have to do is copy exactly what my son does." "Is that all? How old is your son?" "He's only seven." With this the salesman can't resist anymore. "OK, I'll bet you I can do exactly what your son can do and if you win you get my car, but what do I get?" "I'll buy your double glazing and give you a good time in my bedroom." The salesman agrees and the woman calls her son. "Right, Tommy I want you to put your hand up my blouse." Tommy puts his hand up his mother's blouse and the salesman does exactly the same. "Tommy, put your hand in my bra." Tommy puts his hand in his mother's bra and the salesman does exactly the same. "Tommy I want you to put your hand up my skirt." Tommy puts his hand up his mother's skirt and the salesman does exactly the same. "Now Tommy, I want you to bend your dick. The salesman hands her his keys.
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A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and that she and her sister owned the store, so there were no males employed there. She asked if there was something which she could help the gentleman with. The man said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist. The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with the highest level of professionalism. The man agreed and began by saying, "This is tough for me to discuss, but I have a permanent erection. It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. So I was wondering what you could give me for it?" The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister." When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length and the absolute best we can do is, 1/3 ownership in the store, a company car, and $3000 a month living expenses.
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