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Friday, April 28, 2006

Midlife



Midlife is when the growth of the hair on our legs slows
down. This gives us plenty of time to care for our newly
acquired mustache.

Midlife women no longer have upper arms, we have wingspans.
We are no longer women in sleeveless shirts, we are flying
squirrels in drag.

Midlife has hit when you stand naked in front of the mirror
and can see your rear end without turning around.

Midlife is when you bounce (a lot), but you don't bounce back.
It's more like splat!

Midlife is when you want to grab every firm young lovely in a
tube top and scream, "Listen, honey, even the Roman Empire fell,
and those things will too"!

Midlife is when you realize that if you were a dog, you would
need a control top flea collar.

Midlife is when you go to the doctor and you realize you are
now so old, you have to pay someone to look at you naked.

You know you are getting old when you go for a mammogram and
you realize it is the only time someone will ask you to appear
topless in a film.

Midlife brings the wisdom that life throws you curves and
that you're now sitting on your biggest ones.

Midlife can bring out your angry, bitter side. You look at
your latte-swilling, beeper-wearing know-it-all teenager and
think, "For this I have stretch marks?"

Midlife is when your memory really starts to go: the only
thing you still retain is water.

The good news about midlife is that the glass is still
half-full. Of course, the bad news is that it won't be
long before your teeth are floating in it.

You know you've crossed the midlife threshold when you're in
the grocery store and you hear a Muzak version of "Stairway to
Heaven" in the produce department.

It's very hard to "get jiggy with it" in midlife. Jiggly,
yes; jiggy, no.

Midlife is when your 1970's Body-by-Jake now includes
Legs-by-Rand McNally (more red and blue lines than an
accurately scaled map of the state of Wisconsin).

Midlife is when you start to repeat yourself and your chins
follow suit.

You become more reflective in midlife. You start pondering
the "big" questions: what is life, why am I here and how much
Healthy Choice ice cream can I eat before it's no longer a
healthy choice?



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