Mix Match and Laugh A Little (R)ated
Virtual Reality Moon Phase Pictures
"Men have two emotions: Hungry and horny... If you see me without a boner, make me a sandwich..."
Jack and Jill went up the hill, With a little keg of brandy. Jack got stewed, Jill got screwed, Now it's Jack, and Jill, and Andy.
Ode To A Dirty Old Man When I was young and in my prime, I could get a hard on any old time... But now that I'm old and my balls are cold I can't get a hard-on to save my soul.
A businessman entered a tavern, sat down at the bar, and ordered a double martini on the rocks. After he finished the drink, he peeked inside his shirt pocket, then he ordered another double martini. After he finished that one, he again peeked inside his shirt pocket and ordered another double martini. Finally, the bartender said, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long. But you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill." The customer replied, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When the btich starts to look good, then I know it's time to go home."
Little Johnny and two of his friends were sitting on a front porch one day after school. Billy looked down the street and saw a bright red Corvette. "Some day I'm gonna be a lawyer so I can buy me one of those Corvettes," he said. Robbie looked over at the driveway next to the Corvette and saw a brand new Ferrari. "I'm gonna be a doctor," he said, "so I can get me a fast Ferrari." Little Johnny looked over at the other two and replied, "I'm gonna learn how to suck dick when I grow up." The other two jaws dropped. "That's what my sister does, and she owns both of those cars," explained Little Johnny.
A man walks into a therapists office wearing nothing but seran wrap pants, The therapist takes one look at him and says "Clearly, I can see your(you're) nuts."
The clerk showed the guy the store's most expensive perfume. "This is called 'Perhaps,'" said the sales clerk. "It's $285 per ounce." "Listen," the guy shot back, "for $285 an ounce, I don't want something called 'Perhaps'; I want something called, "You Can Bet Your Happy ASS You'll Get Some!"
A young couple were married, and celebrated their first night together, doing what newlyweds do, time and time again, all night long. Morning comes and the groom goes into the bathroom but finds no towel when he emerges from the shower. He asks the bride to please bring one from the bedroom. When she gets to the bathroom door, he opened the door, exposing his body for the first time to his bride where she sees all of him well. Her eyes went up and down and at about midway, they stopped and stared, and she asked shyly, "What's that?", pointing to a small part of his anatomy. He, also being shy, thought for a minute and then said, "Well, that's what we had so much fun with last night." And she, in amazement, asked, "Is that all we have left?"
A guy went to a psychiatrist because he was having severe problems with his sex life. The psychiatrist asked him a lot of questions, but didn't seem to be getting a clear picture of the problems. Finally he asked, "Do you ever watch your girlfriend's face while you're having sex?" "Well, yes, I did once." "Well, how did she look?" "Oh boy, she looked VERY angry!" At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere and he said, "Well that's very interesting, we must look into this further. Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your girlfriend's face once during sex, that seems somewhat unusual. How did it occur that you saw her face that time?" "She was watching us through the window."
Men are like.....Chocolate bars. Sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.
Men are like.....Coffee. The best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night long.
Like many Texas ranchers, my uncle Ferd was a visionary, but after a vacation in Australia he outdid himself. It took months and a little pressure from his favorite senator for him to get all of the permits needed for him to import the marsupials , followed by long months more to get them to crossbreed with wild mustangs and now he has the only herd of buckaroos in the country.
The liquor merchant was heavily invested in a particular brand of popular whiskey but the newly elected governor was looking for a way to enhance revenues. A law was pushed through that levied a special new tax on all hard liquors. The frantic merchant, eager to maintain his large stock of whiskey quickly devised a plan to disguise his product as wine. Late into the night he laboriously soaked every bottle and re-labeled it as red wine. Knowing that this alone wouldn't really fool anyone, he also opened each bottle in the crate, added a bit of red food coloring and re-sealed it with a cork. It was a case of Dewar dye!
There was a crisis at the zoo. A respiratory virus was being spread from one large animal to the other and unless medicine was dispensed quickly, there was the possibility that all of them would die. The problem was that nobody wanted to get into the cages to administer the dosage because they were afraid they would be mauled in the process. A meeting was called and someone came up with the idea that they could vaporize the medicine and send it through the air conditioning ducts. The animals could inhale the medication and nobody would be put in physical jeopardy. And it worked! The procedure was thereafter forever known as ... "Medical air for the cage-ed".
DOCTORS NOTES ON PATIENTS' CHARTS: (ACTUAL NOTES UNEDITED!)
- Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
- On the 2nd day the knee was better and on the 3rd day it disappeared completely.
- She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
- The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993.
- The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
- Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
- Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
- The patient refused an autopsy.
- The patient has no past history of suicides.
- Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.
- Patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
- Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
- She is numb from her toes down.
- While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
- The skin was moist and dry.
- Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
- Patient was alert and unresponsive.
- I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
- Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
- Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
- The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
- The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.
- Skin: Somewhat pale but present.
- The pelvic examination will be done later on the floor.
- Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. X, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
- Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
- Large brown stool ambulating in the hall. - Patient appears responsive, but unable to communicate with me.
- Bladder is under control, but cannot stop urine from seeping.
- Heart problem is fixed. Patient died at 10:07 this morning.
- Complains of chest pain occasionally. Otherwise just a pain.
- Patient is always telling me about her pains and problems. This remains a significant pain to me.
- The blood workup showed no antibodies present. Need the rest of the blood to be sure, however.
- If it weren't for the fact that the patient is dead, I would say he was in perfect health.
- Testicles are missing on this woman.