Wednesday, April 12, 2006

Naughty?? Okay But Still Funny

THE Revenue Canada GENIE A man has spent many days crossing the desert without water. His camel dies of thirst. He's crawling through the sands, certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case. He opens it and out pops a genie .... But this is no ordinary genie. He is wearing a Revenue Canada ID badge and a dull gray suit. There's a calculator in his pocket. He has a pencil tucked behind one ear. "Well, kid," says the genie. "You know how it works. You have three wishes." "I'm not falling for this" says the man. "I'm not going to trust a Revenue Canada Agent." What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!" The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right. OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful food and drink." ***POOF*** the man finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of cool water, wine and platters of delicacies. "OK, kid, what's your second wish?" "My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams." ***POOF*** the man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems. "OK, kid, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!" After thinking for a few minutes, the man says: "I wish that no matter where I go beautiful women will want and need me." ***POOF*** He is turned into a tampon. The moral of the story? If Revenue Canada offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached.
As an American Veteran who fought for the rights you take for granted today
#1 I will live my life the way I deem fit, screw political correctness.
#2 I have the right to choose my religious path if I choose one at all. Christianity be damned.
#3 If I want to eat a cow, I will eat a cow.
#4 I have the right to hang up on telemarketers midsentence and not have to worry about whether or not I was polite.
#5 If I think someone's an idiot, I will tell them they're an idiot.
#6 I have the right to tell children that their parents aren't raising them correctly. (Think of how many times you've been at a supermarket and heard a screaming child the entire time...what exactly would you want to say that'd be any nicer?)
#7 If you don't know what you're talking about, shut the hell up.
#8 You may have the right to speak, but I don't have to listen to you.
#9 If I want to be rude, loud, and obnoxious, it's a free country.
#10 If I want to go to a bar, destroy my liver with alcohol, clog my arteries with junk, and have unsafe sex with the woman/man I just met, I ought to be able to smoke while I'm at it.
#11 I may be fat, but you're ugly, and I can go to Jenny Craig.
#12 Jerry Springer for President!!!!!!!
#13 Denis Leary should be proclaimed God and given reign over society.
#14 Your daughter just got drunk at a party, made a slut of herself,and you're worried about my religious beliefs?
#15 Before you tell me how to run my life, be certain that your own is squeaky clean.
#16 Just because you work at McDonald's doesn't mean you have an excuse to have an I.Q. under twelve.
#17 (Courtesy of George Carlin) Just because you're a student does not mean that you're any more enlightened than someone that works at Blockbuster.
#18 Speaking of Blockbuster, if I return the tape, you do not have to actually sue me for $15!!
#19 If you're stupid enough to give me credit, deal with the consequences.
#20 It's ignorant to charge someone $25 if they bounce a check for $5. (If I didn't have the $5, what makes you think I'm going to have $25 you retards!!)
#21 If you don't like the way I drive then at the next red light get out from under my car.
#22 If your dog or cat is so smart, then why do you talk to it like it's a newborn baby?
#23 If I shoot you while you're committing a crime, and you try to sue me for it, I'll shoot you again.
#24 Courtesy of Ben Franklin: Anyone who would give up freedoms and liberties for temporary security deserves neither freedom or security.
#25 If you live in Tornado Alley, don't whine when you get hit by a tornado.
Q: What's the difference between a woman and a volcano?
A: A volcano never fakes an eruption.
There were three morticians trading stories in a bar one night. The first one says, "What a day I had today. The guy wasn't wearing his seat belt and his head flew into the windshield. Took me all day to make the face look natural." Not to be outdone, the second mortician says, "You think that's bad? I had this guy in who got hit by a train while he was riding his bike. Took me TWO days to put all the pieces back together!" The third mortician just shook his head. "You guys have it easy," he said. "I had this female parachutist whose chute didn't open. She landed on a flagpole and it took me all week just to wipe the smile off her face!"


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