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Thursday, April 06, 2006

New And Used (Ya gotta Find It)

Note I added a new gaget to the middle of this blog. HEHEHEHEHEHE What No comments?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
"I married a younger woman. Fifteen years younger than I am. I figure it like this:
If you can't find a good woman, raise one."

=-=-=-=-=-==-=-=-=-
Still not grasping just how important hockey was to my new husband, I plunked myself down next to him on the couch while he watched a game and began to chat. After being shushed a few times, I gave him a look. Immediately contrite, he picked up the remote. "I'm sorry, honey," he apologized. "I'm being rude. You go ahead and talk--I'll just turn up the volume."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle. For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. However, if she is menstruating or menopausal, she tends to prefer a man with scissors lodged in his temple and a bat jammed up his ass while he is on fire.

Further studies in this area have been canceled.
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I finally talked my wife into doing ahome porn movie, but she insisted on bringingthis guy she knows from work to be her co-star.As I was watching them in action, I couldn't help but think, "Man, actresses can be so picky!"
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Two rather drunk gentlemen stood at the bar near closing time. "I've gotanidea," said one, "let's have one more drink and then go and find us somegirls." "No," replied the other one, "I've got more than I can handle at home." "Great," replied the idea man, "then let's have one more drinkand go up to your place."
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This guy is really into blow up dolls and calls a mail order supplier and says he wants something absolutely realistic. The supplier says, "I have just the thing, 'Life-like Tina', So realistic you can't tell the difference!" The guy orders one. Meanwhile the supplier is lookingat the box and cannot believe how realistic 'Life-like Tina' looks, so he decides to blow it up. Once inflated he gets really turned on and thinks, "What the hell!" and has sex with the doll.Washing it afterwards, he neatly packages it and sends it out to the guy. A month later the guy calls up, "You know that 'Life-like Tina' blow up doll you sent me? I cannot tell you how happy I am." Supplier, "That's great! Guy, "Yeah, it's a totally believable experience."Supplier, "Realistic then?" Guy, "Yeah, so realistic I got syphilis."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks. "I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum." The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech. "And what if I swallow it?" "No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."
=-=-=-=-=-==-=-=-=-
Grandpa was always going on about the good old days, and the lower cost of living, in particular... "When I was a kid, my mom could send me to the store, and I'd get a salami, two pints of milk, 6 oranges, 2 loaves o' bread, and a magazine, some new blue jeans... all for a dollar!! Then Grandpa said sadly ..."You can't DO that any more... they got those darn video cameras everywhere you look......"
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There was a little old man who had a bit of a speech impediment. One day he wentshopping, his first stop was at a hardware store. He went up to the shopassistant and asked, ......"Could I have a fucket please?" The assistant asked, "Pardon sir?""Can I have a fucket please?" replied the man."Oh, you mean a bucket!" the shop assistant replied.The old man said, "Yes, that's what I said". So the man paid for his bucketand went into the antique shop.In the antique shop he went to the cashier and asked, "Can I have a cock please?"The cashier looked very puzzled and asked, "Pardon?"The man again asked, "Can I have a cock please?"The cashier replied, "Oh, you mean a clock! Yes, certainly sir." So the man paid for the clock and walked out of the shop.The next stop was to the bakers. He went to the assistant and asked, "Can Ihave a bum please?"The assistant said, "Sorry sir? What did you say?" So he repeated himself, "Can I have a bum please?"The assistant said, " Oh right, you mean a bun!"The old man said, "Yes that's what I said in the first place." So the man bought a bun and walked out of the shop.As he was walking down the street a little old lady came up to him andasked, "Excuse me sir, but do you know the time?"The man replied, "Yes certainly, hold my bum and fucket while I get my cockout."
=-=-=-=-=-==-=-=-=-
Police in Kinshasa, Zaire have arrested a duck suspected of sorcery. The duck was taken into custody after shattering the windshield of a minibus. Passengers apparently blamed the "evil duck" for the accident. Police suspect fowl play.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Did you hear about the research at MIT? Scientists there have reportedly announced that they have discovered a new species of weevil that feeds solely on the cotton fibers in men's shorts. The researchers have no idea where the species originated, and are appealing to the general public, as well as the rest of the scientific community for any information that would help identify the insect. They are anxious to identify what weevil lurks in the shorts of men.
=-=-=-=-=-==-=-=-=-
A couple of ghosts were sitting in the bar. Hal and Fred were trading war stories. Finally Fred spoke up. "I've dated this chick a couple of times lately. Says she knows you. Pretty well. Ever meet someone named Evelyn?" Hal laughed. There could only be one. "Of course. My first wife. Pretty ornery, not so pretty. A bit on the "easy" side, but nothing much to offer. I have to ask, Fred. How does that ex- spector rate with you?" Fred joined in the chuckle. "She ain't worth spit!"

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