Thursday, April 06, 2006

No News In This One

A Kentucky farmer of advanced years took a lovely young bride. At first the marriage was very passionate and the couple made love frequently. After a few months, however, the wife suddenly became disinterested in sex and the farmer began to worry.
After another few months had passed, the farmer started suspecting foul play, that maybe his wife was fooling around. So one day, he left the tractor running out in the field and crept back to the house where he caught his wife and her young lover in the act.
While his wife and the young man were scrambling for their clothes, the farmer fetched his shotgun and burst into the room. The understandably hysterical young man pleaded for his life. The farmer lowered the barrel and pointed toward the barn.
The farmer led the man at gunpoint out to the barn where he proceeded to secure the man's "unit" in a bench vise. The farmer then welded the vise screw so it could not be loosened. He then pulled out a gleaming sharp bowie knife.
The man was screaming by now and begging the farmer not to cut off his manhood. The farmer just smiled, handed the man the knife and said, "Oh, I'm not gonna cut it off. I'm just gonna set the barn on fire."

Weird Fact
A man filed a lawsuit against his doctor because he survived longer than what the doctor had predicted.

Weird Fact
It took approximately 2.5 million blocks to build the Pyramid of Giza, which is one of the Great Pyramids.

There was a crisis at the zoo. A respiratory virus was being spread
from one large animal to the other and unless medicine was dispensed
quickly, there was the possibility that all of them would die. The
problem was that nobody wanted to get into the cages to administer
the dosage because they were afraid they would be mauled in the
process. A meeting was called and someone came up with the idea that
they could vaporize the medicine and send it through the air
conditioning ducts. The animals could inhale the medication and
nobody would be put in physical jeopardy. And it worked! The
procedure was thereafter forever known as ... "medical air for the
The liquor merchant was heavily invested in a particular brand of
popular whiskey but the newly elected governor was looking for a way
to enhance revenues. A law was pushed through that levied a special
new tax on all hard liquors. The frantic merchant, eager to maintain
his large stock of whiskey quickly devised a plan to disguise his
product as wine. Late into the night he laboriously soaked every
bottle and re-labeled it as red wine. Knowing that this alone
wouldn't really fool anyone, he also opened each bottle in the crate,
added a bit of red food coloring and re-sealed it with a cork. It was
a case of Dewar dye!

Not that I need reminding, but time flies much too fast. When I
was a teenager, I used to whine to my parents, "Just once I would
like to see Aerosmith in concert before I die."
The other day my 13-year-old son, an aspiring rock star, blew my
mind with this: "Dad, I'd like to see Aerosmith just once before they die."
The Discovery Channel had a fascinating show on the mating habits
of hyenas. They said that the male hyena often will get angry at
the female hyena while they are having sex. It doesn't help that
the female hyena is laughing at you all the time.

Weird Fact:
Just by recycling one aluminum can, enough energy would be saved to have a TV run for three hours.
Weird Fact :
On average, Americans move to a new place eleven times in their lifetime.
Ralph works hard at the plant and spends two nights each week bowling and plays golf every Saturday. His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club. The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Ralph! How ya' doin"? His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no," says Ralph. "He's on my bowling team." When they are seated, a waitress asks Ralph if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,"How did she know that you drink Budweiser?" "I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have Bud at the end of the 1st nine, Honey." A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Ralph, starts to rub herself all over him and says, "Hi Ralphy. Want your usual table dance, big boy?" Ralph's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Ralph follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. Ralph tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every four letter word in the book. The cabbie turns around and says, "Geez Ralph, you picked up a real bitch this time."
A fancy lady on vacation took a stroll through the woods. Suddenly a little white duck, all covered with shit, crossed her path. "Oh, dear," the lady said, "come on, I'll clean you!" She took a Kleenex from her purse and did a good job. After that she urged the duck away. "Be careful next time!" She walked on and another duck, with shit all over it, crossed her way. Again she took a Kleenex and cleaned the little animal. She warned this one as well and the duck took off. Then she encountered a third duck, with the same problem. "Now I have had it!" She screamed. "What have you been doing?" And for the third time she acts like a Florence Nightingale. She walked on - suddenly she heard a voice from the bushes. "Hey, you, lady!" sounded a male voice in distress. "Yes?" she replied. "Do you have a Kleenex?" "Not anymore, no." she answered. "Too bad. I'll have to use another duck."

An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared an office with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients. As he approached the receptionist desk he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. He gave her his name. In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?" All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man. He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied, "NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS." DON'T MESS WITH OLD FOLKS!
Two men, Dan and Bob, were sitting in a bar, talking over a few beers. Dan was noticing how down Bob looked. "What is wrong Bob, you look like hell." Bob agreed with him. "Yeah and I feel like it too, I caught my wife with my best friend today." Dan was stunned. "My God, Bob, what did you say to her?" "I told her to pack her stuff and get out, it was over." "Good for you, and what did you say to that so called friend of yours?" Bob looked at Dan dead in the eyes. "I grabbed him by the collar, pulled him up and said...Bad Dog."
A guy is brought before the judge's bench because he is on trial for paying a prostitute for sex. "How do you plead?" asks the judge, to the defendant. "Not Guilty, your honor." Showing him a videotape of the alleged act, the prosecutor responds,"How can you possibly convince the court of your innocence, if we have both the sex act, plus your subsequent payment to the alleged prostitute right here on tape?" "Easy," says the defendant, "I'll admit to the court that although I wasn't engaged in an act of prostitution, I was committing another 'heinous' crime ... gambling." "Gambling?" responds the prosecutor. "How so?" "Well you see," answers the defendant, "I went up to the young lady earlier that night as she was working in a topless bar and said to her, 'I'll bet you $200 that you don't get to have sex with me tonight.' "That videotape is just footage of me losing the bet!"

HEY..My Town Was So Tough... Hotels that ask your name, address and next of kin to register. Ice-cream trucks that play "taps" Gun shops that have "Back to School" sales. High school newspapers with obituary columns. Restaurants that serve broken leg of lamb. Bowling alleys where most people bowl overhand. Schools that require a sick note co-signed by a parole officer. Christmas pageants that feature the three Wise Guys. Advice columns with hints like how to get blood off of a chain saw. A 911 emergency service with a two day waiting list. "Honor students" who practice saying, "Yes/No, your honor". Mothers who give their kids $5 every day for the holdup man. The Girl Scouts sell nookie door to door. Forgery 101 and Advanced Counterfeiting are required subjects.


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