No News Is Good News
I've been wondering why I feel so tired. I've been blaming it on lack of
sleep, not enough sunshine, too much pressure from my job, earwax
build-up, poor blood or anything else I could think of. But now I found
out the real reason: I'm tired because I'm overworked.
Here's why:. . .
The population of this country is 273 million. 140 million are retired.
That leaves 133 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school.
Which leaves 48 million to do the work.
Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government.
Leaving 19 million to do the work.
2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing Osama
Which leaves 16.2 million to d o the work.
Take from that total the 14.8 million people who work for state and city
And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.
At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.
Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.
That leaves just two people to do the work.
You and me.
And there you are at your computer, reading jokes.
Nice. Real nice
The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind
in his work.
If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
A hawk sat atop a church because it was a bird of pray.
Every calendar's days are numbered.
A hunter raised his rifle and took careful aim at a large bear. When
about to pull the trigger, the bear spoke in a soft soothing voice, "
Isn't it better to talk than to shoot? What do you want? Let's
negotiate the matter." Lowering his rifle, the hunter replied, "I
want a fur coat." "Good," said the bear, "that is a negotiable item.
I only want a full stomach, so let us sit down and negotiate a
compromise." They sat down to negotiate and after a time the bear
walked away, alone. The negotiations had been successful. The bear
had a full stomach, and the hunter had his fur coat!
Some people's noses and feet are build backwards: their feet smell
and their noses run.
The roundest knight at king Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
In democracy its your vote that counts. In feudalism its your count
Math teachers have lots of problems.
The dieter was at his width's end.
Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by, the
traffic slowly built up at an alarming rate. The traffic was so heavy and so
fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day.
So one day Farmer John called the sheriff's office and said, "You've got to do
something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens."
"What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff.
"I don't care, just do something about those crazy drivers!"
So the next day he had the county workers go out and erected a sign that said:
Three days later Farmer John called the sheriff and said, "You've got to do
something about these drivers. The 'school crossing' sign seems to make them
go even faster."
So, again, the sheriff sends out the county workers and they put up a new sign:
CHILDREN AT PLAY
That really sped them up. So Farmer John called and called and called every day
for three weeks. Finally, he asked the sheriff, "Your signs are doing no good. Can
I put up my own sign?"
The sheriff told him, "Sure thing, put up your own sign."
He was going to let the Farmer John do just about anything in order to get him to
stop calling everyday to complain.
The sheriff got no more calls from Farmer John. Three weeks later, curiosity go the
best of the sheriff and he decided to give Farmer John a call. "How's the problem
with those drivers. Did you put up your sign?"
"Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since then. I've got to go. I'm very
busy." He hung up the phone.
The sheriff was really curious now and he thought to himself, "I'd better go out there
and take a look at that sign... it might be something that WE could use to slow
So the sheriff drove out to Farmer John's house, and his jaw dropped the moment he saw
the sign. It was spray-painted on a sheet of wood:
*Go slow and watch out for chicks!!