Not the News
Why do men die before their wives? They want to.
Two fellows from Kentucky were sitting around talking one afternoon. After a while the first fellow says to the second, "If'n I was to sneak over to your trailer Saturday and make love to your wife while you was off huntin', and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?" The second fellow crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head, and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question. Finally, he says, "Well, I don't know about that, but it sure would make us even."
Speaking of fences reminds us of the man who bought a horse but then went back to the farmer and complained, "I thought you said this horse you sold me could jump as high as an eight-foot fence." "I did, and he can," said the farmer. "Well," replied the man, "he can't jump at all." The farmer added, "Neither can a fence."
My wife thinks I'm too nosy. At least that's what she keeps scribbling in her diary.
During his freshman year Adrian couldn't get home for Christmas. So he sent his dad a set of inexpensive cuff links and a note reading: "Dear Dad, This is not much, but it's all you could afford."
"Exxon recorded record profits for 2005. Over $36 billion dollars in profits. I'm as shocked as you are. Who would have thought they would have benefited from selling gas for three dollars a gallon?"
My wife just got a tattoo of a seashell on the inside of her thigh. If you put your ear to it, you can smell the ocean.
Many of you don't know it, but I am a licensed dermatologist. One of the most frequent questions I'm asked is: "What's the best way to pop a zit so it doesn't leave a scar?" Well, the answer has remained the same over the oh so many years since I was a med student at Haaarvard. You simply DO NOT want to pop it. Instead, clean with a mild soap and warm water up to three times a day starting as soon as you know it's on its way. The bacteria is what is causing it to rise. If you pop it, you may spread the bacteria. It may also cause scarring. Now, Many of you don't know that I am also a licensed gynecologist, so women, please feel free to send me questions relating to your yoohoos and I will supply an immediate and accurate diagnosis. Sending pictures will speed up the response.
"[Bush] was working on some trade issues down there. We have a big dispute with Canada about tariffs on softwoods. I don't know what softwoods are, but I know they were never a problem when Clinton was president."
A very naive British sailor is in a bar in London. He meets a wild girl, and she takes him upstairs. She takes off her pants and her panties. He looks between her legs, and he says, "What's that?" She says, "It's me lower mouth." He says, "What do you mean, 'your lower mouth?'" She says, "Just what I said, it's me lower mouth t's got a moustache... It's got lips..." He asks, "Has it got a tongue in it?" She says, "Not yet. . ."
There was this family who's last name was Fantastic. They were all
pretty portly. All except one. He was so skinny that if he sucked to
hard on a malted, he'd suck himself into the straw. The local bullies
thought it was much fun to stick their feet out in front of him
causing him to fall, because he fell so funny. Finally, it got so bad
that the City Council passed an ordinance making it against the law
to 'trip the light Fantastic.'
By following the simple advice I heard on a Dr. Phil show, I have
finally found inner peace. Dr. Phil proclaims, "The way to achieve
inner peace is to finish all the things you've started." I looked
around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished.
So, before leaving this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a
bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey's, a bottle of Kahlua,
a package of Oreos, a pint of Ben&Jerry's, the remainder of the
Valium prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, and a box of
chocolates. You have NO idea of how good I feel!!!