Not Political Just a Laugh
Links to Peek at.
Farmers Almanac Long Range Forecast
The English-to-American Dictionary
Defragmenting your Hard Drive
Moss Valley Dingbats Links
Austin Powers Pickup Lines
1. I wish you were a door so I could slam you all day long.
2. (Lick finger and wipe on her shirt)....Let's get you out of these wet clothes.
3. Nice legs...what time do they open?
4. Do you work for UPS? I thought I saw you checking out my package.
5. You've got 206 bones in your body, want one more?
6. Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?
7. I may not be the best looking guy in here, but I'm the only one talking to you.
8. I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on Earth tonight.
9. Wanna play army? I'll lay down and you can blow the hell outta me.
10. I wish you were a Pony Carousel outside Superdrug, so I could ride you all day long for a quarter.
11. Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a braille name tag.
12. I'd really like to see how you look when I'm naked.
13. Is that a ladder in your stockings or the stairway to heaven?
14. You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.
15. You must be the limp doctor because I've got a stiffy.
16. If it's true that we are what we eat, then I could be you by morning.
17. You know, if I were you, I'd have sex with me.
18. Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?
19. Hi, I'm Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me.
20. My name isn't Elmo, but you can tickle me anytime you want to.
21. I know milk does a body good, but DAMN, how much have you been drinking?
22. If you were the last woman and I was the last man on earth, I bet we could do it in public.
23. Baby, I'm an American Express lover...you shouldn't go home without me.
24. Do you wash your pants in Windex because I can see myself in them.
Language My cousin Moishe owned one of the biggest and fastest-growing businesses in Miami, a furniture store. I convinced him that he needed to take a trip to Italy to check out the merchandise himself, and because he was still single, he could check out all the hot Italian women, and maybe get lucky. As Moishe was checking into a hotel he struck up an acquaintance with a beautiful young lady... she only spoke Italian and he only spoke English, so neither understood a word the other spoke. He took out a pencil and a notebook and drew a picture of a taxi. She smiled, nodded her head and they went for a ride in the park. Later, he drew a picture of a table in a restaurant with a question mark and she nodded, so they went to dinner. After dinner he sketched two dancers and she was delighted. They went to several nightclubs, drank champagne, danced and had a glorious evening. It had gotten quite late when she motioned for the pencil and drew a picture of a four-poster bed. Moishe was dumbfounded, and to this day remarks to me that he's never be able to understand how she knew he was in the furniture business.
A handyman was working for a Synagogue had asked for a raise and was turned down. He decided to quit and went out to look for work. First he went to a Catholic church and was told that in order to work there he would have to answer one question. The priest asked, "Where was Jesus born"? The man answered, "Pittsburgh", and was thrown out. He then went to a Baptist church. The minister told him that in order to get a job there he would have to answer a question. He was asked, "Where was Jesus born"? The man answered, "Philadelphia". He was tossed out. Walking away he met the rabbi who was looking for him. The rabbi exclaimed, "The board approved your raise. Please come back immediately". The man said to the rabbi, "I will come back only if you answer a question. "Where was Jesus born"? The rabbi says, "Bethlehem". "Damn", cries the man. "I knew it was in Pennsylvania".
Questions Not To Ask In Foreign Lands:
IRELAND "Are you magically delicious or just angry and drunk? This beer is black- did a leprechaun crap in it?"
FRANCE "Can I get a side of Freedom Fries with that? Aren't the French just Germans who can make sauces?"
ITALY "Is the Pope Polish? Does he have super powers like Jesus? I could sure go for a can of Spaghetti-O's! "
POLAND "Do you hire foreigners to screw in your lightbulbs?"
GERMANY "Is this bratwurst kosher?"
TURKEY "Where's the hash at? It's cool to recreationally slaughter Kurds?"
KOREA "Can you watch my puppy for a minute, or must you people deep fry him?" CHINA "This wall isn't so great." E
NGLAND "Did you ever get a piece of ass from that Diana chick?"
SWEDEN "Do you have any normal meatballs? Want to hear a dumb blonde joke?"
YEMEN "Yemen? That's a stupid name for a country. What's it mean -- 'Land Of Fanatics And Dust' ?"
INDIA "You don't live in teepees? Where can I get a good juicy steak around here?"
ETHIOPIA "After a long day of travel, I'm famished. Hey - those flies sure love your pregnant son!"
CANADA "You're like Americans without money."
SPAIN "So, this is the country that's not Portugal? Wow. Your women can shave if they want to, right? Where can I get some Cheez Whiz nachos?"
SOUTH AFRICA "I liked it better the other way."
MEXICO "What's that smell?"
SAUDI ARABIA "Would you like to see my designs for a solar powered car? Is it legal to beat your wives here, or what?"
RUSSIA "Is it always this cold and economically devastated?"
UZBEKISTAN "Can you spell Uzbekistan?"
GREECE "I hear this place is a less expensive version of Italy."
AFGHANISTAN "Seriously, where is the real country. where is everything?"
JAPAN "What's Hiroshima? Is that a kind of sushi?"
AUSTRALIA "How can we stop Mel Gibson? Is there a cure?"
AMERICA "Was John Wayne gay?
SOME MORE CARDS YOU WILL NEVER SEE IN HALLMARK:
"Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your wife."
"How could two people as beautiful you have such an ugly baby?"
"I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you, I've changed my mind."
"I must admit, you brought religion in my life. I never believed in Hell until I met you."
"Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder: What the heck was I thinking?"
"As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you're not here to ruin it for me."
"As you grow older, Mom, I think of all the gifts you've given me. Like the need for therapy..."
"Thanks for being a part of my life!!! I never knew what evil was before this!"
"Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, would you like to take this knife out of my back? You'll probably need it again."
"Someday I hope to get married, but not to you."
"Happy Birthday! You look great for your age...Almost Lifelike! "When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broke up, I think it's time you kept your promise."
"I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend. So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys."
"We have been friends for a very long time, what say we call it quits."
"I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here."
"You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket.... I'd miss you heaps and think of you often."
"Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday - so we're having you put to sleep."
"Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!!" (available only in Arkansas & West Va.)
The cowboy was trying to buy an insurance policy. The insurance agent was going down the list of standard questions. "Ever have an accident?" "Nope, nary a one." "None? You've never had any accidents." "Nope. Ain't never had one. Never." "That's hard to believe. No accidents at all?" "Well, rattler bit me in me pecker one time." "Wouldn't you consider that an accident?" "Hell no. Damned varmint bit me on purpose."