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Thursday, April 13, 2006

Not To Laugh Its Gotta Be Someones Fault




Links to play with and kill some time.

Trisha w/Music In My Soul
http://www.hiddentreasuresofcolorado.com/MusicInMySoul.html
PoofCat w/Teddy Roosevelt
http://www.poofcat.com/tr.html
Peggy w/Egg Shells
http://community-2.webtv.net/rotag28/eggshell/
Joyce Ann w/Reflections Of Time
http://www.poetnmysol.com/Reflections.html

Spice & Herb Encyclopedia
http://www.culinarycafe.com/Spices_Herbs/
Brain Teasers
http://www.greylabyrinth.com/puzzles.htm
National Museum of Naval Aviation
http://naval.aviation.museum/intro.html
Armchair Travels
http://community-2.webtv.net/jgoj1/ARMCHAIRTRAVELS/

Page Control w Tables
http://autumnweb.com/Roxys/2WebPageHelp/4PageControl.html
Free MySpace Layouts, Animations, Glitter Graphics
http://www.mycutegraphics.com/
MIDI and Karaoke Software for Windows
http://www.vanbasco.com/

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You have a cow and a bull. The bull is depressed. It has spent its life living a lie. It goes away for two weeks. It comes back after a taxpayer-paid sex-change operation. You now have two cows. One makes milk; the other doesn't. You try to sell the transgender cow. Its lawyer sues you for discrimination. You lose in court. You sell the milk-generating cow to pay the damages. You now have one rich, transgender, non-milk-producing cow. You change your business to beef. PETA pickets your farm. Jesse Jackson makes a speech in your driveway. Cruz Bustamante calls for higher farm taxes to help "working cows". Hillary Clinton calls for the nationalization of 1/7 of your farm "for the children". Gray Davis signs a law giving your farm to Mexico. The L.A. Times quotes five anonymous cows claiming you groped their teats. You declare bankruptcy and shut down all operations. The "cow" starves to death. The L.A. Times' analysis shows your business failure is Bush's fault.
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When I came into the office this morning, I noticed a sort of general feeling of unfriendliness, and since several of you have called me a "dirty son of a bitch" to my face, I knew I must have done something wrong at the office Christmas Party. The Office Manager called me from the hospital today and as this is my last day, I'd like to take this way of apologizing to all of you. I would prefer speaking to everyone personally, but all of you seem to go deaf and dumb whenever I try to talk to you. First, to our dear and beloved boss, I am sorry for all the things I called you Friday afternoon. I'm very much aware that your father is not a baboon, nor your mother a Chinese whore. Your wife is a delightful woman, and my story of you buying her for 50 cents in Tijuana was strictly a figment of my imagination. Your children are undoubtedly yours, too. About the water cooler incident, you'll never know how badly I feel about it, and I hope you didn't hurt your head when they were trying to get the glass jug off. To Mary, I express my deepest regrets. In my own defence, I must remind you that you seemed to enjoy our little escapade on the stairway as much as I did until the banister broke and we fell eight feet to the second floor landing. In spite of the rupture you incurred when I landed on top of you, I am sure you will admit that when we landed it was one of the biggest thrills you have ever had. Sam, you old cuss, you've just got to forgive me for that little prank I played on you. If I had known you were goosey, I'd have never done it. It would have been a lot worse if that fat lady hadn't been standing right under the window you jumped through. She really broke your fall a lot. People have been killed falling three stories. Gene, I regret telling the fireman it was you who turned in the false alarm. But, of course, I had no way of knowing they would make such a bad report of it. Those fire hoses sure have a lot of pressure don't they? And the water is cold!! Don, I know how you must feel about me. Opening the door to the broom closet suddenly must have startled you and Millie quite badly, and to think how hard you bumped your chin on the shelf when you bent over to pull up your pants, it makes me sick. We'll have to get together for dinner some night after the dentist finishes your plates. Mary, the only excuse I can offer for stealing all your clothes and hiding them when I found you passed out in the ladies room, is that I was drunk. Also, I want you to know I was very embarrassed when I couldn't remember where I hid them and you had to go home in that old sofa cover. Running your falsies up the flag pole was a bit too much, but like I said, I was a little drunk. To all of you, I am sorry. Setting Jan's panties on fire seemed funny at the time, and it makes me sad to hear that her husband is divorcing her because of it. Urinating in everyone's drink was in bad taste, and not telling them about it until all the drinks were gone was even worse. Now that I have apologized to all of you, I know that I am forgiven. Even though I no longer work there, I will do my darnest to come to the picnic next Friday
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A little boy is walking to school one day and hears some kids talking about the yellow flower. He decides he wants to find out what it is. He gets to school and says to his teacher, "I was on my way to school and I heard some kids talking about the yellow flower. What is it?" His teacher says, "I will not tolerate that kind of talk in my classroom! Go to the principal's office!" The little boy goes up to the principal's office, and the principal asks him, "What are you doing up here, son?" The little boy replies, "I was on my way to school and I heard some kids talking about the yellow flower. I asked my teacher what it was and she sent me up here. What is it?" The principal says, "I will not have that kind of talk in my school! You are expelled from this school and every other school in the state! Get out!" So the little boy goes home. His mother asks, "What are you doing home so early?" "I was on my way to school and I heard some kids talking about the yellow flower. I asked my teacher what it was, and she sent me to the principal's office, and the principal expelled me from every school in the state. What is the yellow flower?" His mother says, "Go up to your room! You're going to bed without dinner. I'll send your father up to talk to you when he gets home." So the little boy goes up to his room, soon after, his dad gets home from work. He goes up to the boy's room and says, "Your mom tells me you've been a bad boy. What did you do?" "Well, I was on my way to school and I heard some kids talking about the yellow flower. I asked my teacher what it was, and she sent me to the principal's office, the principal expelled me from every school in the state, and mom sent me to bed without dinner. What's the yellow flower?" His dad says, "Get out of my house son! I don't ever want to see you again!" The little boy is walking down the street, and a few hours later a policeman stops him. He asks him why he is walking by himself so late at night. The little boy says, "Well, I was on my way to school and I heard some kids talking about the yellow flower. I asked my teacher what it was, and she sent me to the principal's office, the principal expelled me from every school in the state, mom sent me to bed without dinner, and dad kicked me out of the house. Can you tell me what the yellow flower is?" The policeman says, "That's enough of that! You're going to jail for 99 years!" 99 years later, he comes back an old man, and decides he wants to try to find out what the yellow flower is. So he heads to his old school where it all started. As he is crossing the street, he gets hit by a car and dies. What's the moral of the story? Look both ways before crossing the street....
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Boot camp. Duluth, Minnesota. February. Six A.M. Six below zero. The Sergeant bellows "Outta those bunks! Birthday suit inspection! I want you *@$&*s$% to fall in outside, NOW! Buck nekkid! Stand close enough to make the man in front of you smile! MOVE, YOU #@$&*s!" The barracks quickly empty, the men fall in and shiver at attention. The Sergeant hollers "LOOSEN RANKS!" The ranks separate a bit. The Captain approaches, carrying a swagger stick. With the stick, he swats one of the men across the chest. "Did that hurt, Mister?" the Captain demands. "No, SIR!" the recruit shouts. "Why not?" barks the Captain. "Because I'm a U.S. Marine, SIR!" The Captain nods, and moves on down the front rank a bit. He whacks another man across the butt. "Did that hurt, Mister?" "No, SIR!" "Why not?" "Because I'm a U.S. Marine, SIR!" Satisfied, the Captain continues on down the rank. He notices that one of the men is sporting a huge erection, and brings his stick down sharply on the proffered target. "Did that hurt, Mister?" "No, SIR!" "Why not?" "Because it belongs to the fellow behind me, SIR!"
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Osama walks into a bar, with a huge pair of lumps in the front of his trousers. The barman says, "Hey Osama, what are those lumps in your pants?" Osama replies "They're Grenades." "Grenades!" shouts the barman. "What do you want grenades in your pants for?" And Osama replies "If Queer Atta tries to feel me up again today, I'll blow his hand off!"
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A notorious hooker named Shore Would allow horny sailors to score, But employed every means Of avoiding Marines- She was rotten, they claimed, to the Corps.
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SIGNS TO HANG IN THE OFFICE
I don't have an attitude problem.
You have a perception problem.
If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves.
On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
I have not yet begun to procrastinate.
I don't suffer from stress. I'm just a carrier.
Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.

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There was this 5-year-old boy named Johnny, and he was very wise in the ways of the world. His problem was that he was a compulsive gambler and couldn't resist making all these outrageous wagers. "Hey Dad! Behind that pine tree you'll see two squirrels doing it!" The father was understandably shocked. "Son, how could you say such things? There are no squirrels doing anything." "Hey Dad, I just speak the facts. If I win, you pay me 5 dollars, if I lose, I pay you 10 dollars. That is a very reasonable offer." The father agrees to the wager. They walk over to the pine tree, and sure enough two squirrels are coupling. So the father forks over the five dollars as he promised. It so happened that September was just around the corner, and Little Johnny had to start kindergarten. Needless to say, the father did not want Johnny making his wagers with other innocent children. So he calls the kindergarten teacher to warn her of his son. "Err... Ms. Smith, I want to tell you that my son Johnny is prone to make explicit sexual remarks and even wager money on such. Could you please disabuse him of such a filthy habit by any means necessary?" The teacher says she will try. So the first day of class starts. Not even five minutes pass on the first day when Little Johnny pipes up. "Hey Ms. Smith! I will bet 50 dollars that you have brown pubic hair!" Obviously the teacher was flabberghasted by Little Johnny's remarks. She grabs his ear and hauls him to a side room. "I oughta spank you and wash out your mouth with a bar of Lava soap, you filthy little boy!" Little Johnny took this all in stride. "Hey Ms. Smith, I just speak the facts. If I win, you don't owe me anything. If you win, I will pay you fifty dollars." Little Johnny even pulls out the wad of bills to show the teacher he is not bluffing. Now Ms. Smith has blonde pubic hair and she is a severely underpaid kindergarten teacher. Besides, the father did request that she put an end to his wagers. What more appropriate way to end them than to prove him wrong for once in his life? So she peeks out the door to make sure nobody is at the door. She then locks the door and doffs her drawers in front of Little Johnny. Sure enough he can see that her pubic hair is blonde. Downcast he begrudgingly forks over the wad of money he bet. "Now Johnny, I trust that you will never make any bets ever again." Now Ms. Smith is quite proud of her little victory (and making a little change on the side). She calls up the father to tell of her success. "I am pleased to report that your son will never be wagering again." The father is quite curious as to how she did it. "Well, err... You did say use any means necessary. Johnny bet me that I had brown pubic hair and, well... err... I proved him wrong." "Just how did you prove Johnny wrong?!" "Well, uhhh... I took Johnny into a side room and I showed him my genitalia." Ms. Smith was quite nervous at this point. "That goddamn son-of-a-bitch! He bet me 100 dollars that you'd take your underwear off on the first day of class....!"
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The teen-aged beauty was telling a friend that she was really worried about her mother. The friend inquired as to the reason for her worrying. The teen-aged beauty informed her friend that her mom was always fatigued from staying up all night long. Her friend asked, "What's she doing staying up all night? At her age, that's not good at all!" The beauty replied, "Waiting for me to come home."
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OK, there's a fellow who is an avid golfer. Actually he's a golf fanatic. Every Saturday morning he has an early tee time, gets up very early and plays golf all day long. Well, this one Saturday morning, he gets up early, dresses quietly, gets his clubs out of the closet, and goes out to his car to drive to the course. It is raining a torrential downpour. There is snow mixed with the rain and the wind is blowing 50 mph. He comes back into the house and turns the TV to the weather channel. From there he finds it's going to be bad weather all day long. So he puts his clubs back into the closet, quietly undresses and slips back into bed where he cuddles up to his wife's back, and whispers, "The weather out there is terrible." To which she replies, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out golfing?"
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Dave had tried to be particularly careful about his language as he played golf with his preacher. But on the twelfth hole, when he twice failed to hit out of a sand trap, he lost his resolve and let fly with a string of expletives. The preacher felt obliged to respond. "I have observed," said he in a calm voice, "that the best golfers do not use foul language." "I guess not," said Dave, "what the hell do they have to cuss about....?"
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If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball. --Jack Lemmon
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DEAR ABBY: What can I do about all the sex, nudity, language and violence on my VCR?
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Washroom Graffiti 6~(written high upon the wall)If you can piss above this line, the Singapore FireDepartment wants you.

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